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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for their dinners... or should I?

377 replies

YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 16:02

A social etiquette question.

I have a landmark birthday next year and I'd like to celebrate it by having a dinner at a restaurant with a bunch of friends - I'm thinking about 25 people and booking a private room at somewhere really nice.

If I do this, though, does that mean that me and DH would be expected to pay for everyone's food? Or would we just make a contribution and split the rest between the guests at the end of the night?

We're probably the least well off of our friends, a lot of them are a bit posher than us in terms of background, so I'm not sure what will be expected/assumed by an invitation like this?

If this is the expectation that it's paid for (kind of like a wedding I guess) then we probably can't afford it and I'll have to do something different. Which is a shame. But I also don't want to put my foot in it and leave an awkward situation when the bill comes

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 06/12/2021 16:04

Well whatever you decide, make sure it is crystal clear with everyone before you show up

oneglassandpuzzled · 06/12/2021 16:04

Yes, I would pay for my guests. I would only invite the number I could afford.

TheFoz · 06/12/2021 16:04

You are inviting guests to come and celebrate with you, it’s up to you to pay I’m afraid.

2pinkginsplease · 06/12/2021 16:05

We went out for my nieces big birthday this month, her mum said that they were going out for dinner to celebrate and she would love us to come and we were to let them know. Each family paid their own meals.

However if i was sent an official invite to a big birthday then I would expect the host to pay for it,

nannybeach · 06/12/2021 16:05

Agree,you can invite,you pay.

RosieGuacamosie · 06/12/2021 16:06

I think if it’s “somewhere really nice” then yes you should pay as it’s probably more than people would choose to spend.

I personally pay for guests on big birthdays etc but I think it can be acceptable if you’re going to a mid price restaurant and make it very clear beforehand that people are covering their own costs.

Original poster
YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 16:06

Ok, that's what I though. My DH said I was being silly. Glad you've confirmed it. Will have to review my plans I think.

OP posts:
peboh · 06/12/2021 16:07

If I'm planning it myself and asking people to come, then yes if pay for it. However I also wouldn't be offended if a friend asked but I had to pay for myself, nor would I hesitate to go. You just have to make it very clear when inviting people if you're expecting them to cover their own costs.

Swonderswoman · 06/12/2021 16:07

I have NEVER not paid when going out for someone's birthday. Decades of birthday meals out and never had the "inviter" pay.

mewkins · 06/12/2021 16:07

I think I would have a party instead and make it less fancy but pay for people. If you are set on the private dining thing would it be possible to get a set menu from the restaurant so that you can say to people up front it will be xx per head or whatever. That way they can decide up front and less pain at the end to get the bill paid. Could you cover drinks ?

LemonKitten · 06/12/2021 16:07

As a guest, I would automatically expect to pay for my own meal and a contribution towards yours.

But you would need to make it clear on the invitations, maybe by adding an approx price per head.

HangOnToYourself · 06/12/2021 16:08

I hate the idea of you have to pay for everyone you invite, basically poor people cant have fun. Just invite people but make it clear that its pay for your own (I'd never expect my meal paid for to celebrate a friends bday, if anything I'd expect the guests to split the birthday persons meal cost).

arethereanyleftatall · 06/12/2021 16:08

You can just word the invite accordingly...

We would like to invite you all to dinner to celebrate my birthday at ...implies you will pay

Would you like to join us for dinner at...implies each pays their own

LockdownCheeseToastie · 06/12/2021 16:08

I would expect you to be paying if invited to something like this- my richer relatives do it for their landmark birthdays. Could you do a buffet at home if you want something cheaper?

dudsville · 06/12/2021 16:08

I always anticipate paying my way, but I have been hosted by the birthday person before. Just be clear that you're not inviting them financially.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 06/12/2021 16:08

That's entirely up to you.

The only etiquette is that everyone knows what the score is before they accept your invitation. All the 'You invite you pay' stuff confuses me. That's not how real life works.

ErickBroch · 06/12/2021 16:08

lol my family/friends are all working class (if that is relevant) and always have paid for ourselves as meals out for birthdays etc. I would be amazed to be in a situation where it's different - I don't know anyone with that kind of money!

IncompleteSenten · 06/12/2021 16:09

The important thing is to be clear.

You give people the menu up front and tell them how much it costs.

There is no absolute right and wrong here re who should pay.

I would not hire a private room and tell people to pay for their dinner but that doesn't mean nobody should do it that way! People have different views and that's fine.

Word the invitation very clearly to avoid misunderstandings

HaggisBurger · 06/12/2021 16:09

I went (indeed flew over) for a friends milestone birthday recently. I wondered if her and her husband would pay for the dinner for 14 people. They didn’t and I guess I was mildly 🤔. The husband did let everyone know they’d paid for the fizz on arrival which was a little cringe tbh. But overall I wouldn’t assume it would be paid for.

tallduckandhandsome · 06/12/2021 16:09

I don’t think it’s necessarily ‘you invite, you pay.’ In fact, in my circle, the norm is to assume you pay for your own meal, unless the meal is at someone’s house or a wedding. People would never meet up if they had to pay for everyone’s meals!

As long as you make it clear on the invite that everyone needs to pay for themselves, it’s absolutely fine.

Have they not invited you out where you’ve paid for your own meals?

StruggleStreet · 06/12/2021 16:09

I wouldn’t expect to be paid for at something like this, and I’m pretty sure none of my friends would. I feel like the expectation that the host pays for everyone is just one of those weird mumsnet things.
Could you maybe ask one of your closer friends to sense check if it would be a faux pas in your social circles.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 06/12/2021 16:10

Yep, as per PP - just be clear when you invite. "Itll be my xxth birthday on xyz. I would love it if you could join me to celebrate at abc restaurant. Sadly Im not able to offer to pay for everyone!"

I had the opposite problem of wanting to pay, and getting everyone to accept and understand that. Nice problem to have, of course Grin

CrimbleCrumble1 · 06/12/2021 16:11

I’d pay as I think that’s an expensive invite for friends however If I went to this kind of do and had to pay for my own meal then I wouldn’t think anything of it and would be happy to be invited.

Fizzgigg · 06/12/2021 16:11

@Swonderswoman

I have NEVER not paid when going out for someone's birthday. Decades of birthday meals out and never had the "inviter" pay.
Yep. Me too. Usually got sent details of menu on advance to see prices etc but always all paid for ourselves
TeenMinusTests · 06/12/2021 16:12

I think it is OK for guests to pay provided you make it clear up front.

Would you like to join me celebrating my 40th at Les Soeurs Hereuses?
The current menu is . People will need to pay for themselves, but I am supplying cake in lieu (or as well as) dessert.