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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for their dinners... or should I?

377 replies

YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 16:02

A social etiquette question.

I have a landmark birthday next year and I'd like to celebrate it by having a dinner at a restaurant with a bunch of friends - I'm thinking about 25 people and booking a private room at somewhere really nice.

If I do this, though, does that mean that me and DH would be expected to pay for everyone's food? Or would we just make a contribution and split the rest between the guests at the end of the night?

We're probably the least well off of our friends, a lot of them are a bit posher than us in terms of background, so I'm not sure what will be expected/assumed by an invitation like this?

If this is the expectation that it's paid for (kind of like a wedding I guess) then we probably can't afford it and I'll have to do something different. Which is a shame. But I also don't want to put my foot in it and leave an awkward situation when the bill comes

OP posts:
bordermidgebite · 06/12/2021 16:37

You don't have to pay for everyone
You should be clear about that since clearly some people should expect you to
In my circle the most likely set up is that you won't pay anything

ClaireEclair · 06/12/2021 16:37

And as a few people say we often pay for the birthday girl/boy too. Not always but if it’s a big birthday we would.

whynotwhatknot · 06/12/2021 16:37

my siste rlooked into a private dining room at a resturant seemed to be twice the price as normal even for a set meal so id look at prices first

dont think i could ask other people to pay more than usual for a meal

Funkyslippers · 06/12/2021 16:39

With the invitation you could say "here's a link to the menu with prices". That's a roundabout way of letting people know they'll be paying for themselves. I'd probably pay for everyone's first drink or pay for a few bottles of wine

Sirzy · 06/12/2021 16:39

Whatever you do just splitting the bill between everyone is the worst option. That will never be a fair way.

If everyone is paying for themselves then each party needs to order and pay for themselves

sillysmiles · 06/12/2021 16:40

I'd always expect to pay for my own and split the cost of the birthday person's meal.
Only on MN have I heard of this thing of having the birthday person pay for everyone's meal

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 06/12/2021 16:40

You will get a mixed response here…. There are always posters who think it’s the most ghastly faux pas to ask people to pay and then there are those whose friendship group always split the bill and it’s fine.

I think the main thing it to be crystal clear when you invite people so that they can make an informed decision.

Personally I’d be fine with it and it wouldn’t put me off going at all.

BitterPeach · 06/12/2021 16:40

We go out for friends birthdays multiple times a year, I have always paid for my meal and drinks. Sometimes its been causal places, but this has also been the case when its a fancy or expensive place.

The only exception to this was if the person has hired a hall and buffet food has been provided. Even then we paid for our own drinks.

I think if you're worried about it being implied that you will pay, when inviting your friends just let them know 'By the way its likely to be X amount each'

MegaClutterSlut · 06/12/2021 16:41

In my circle of friends we all pay for ourselves no matter who invites us where but if your friends do it differently you need to make it clear that they pay for themselves

Dixiechickonhols · 06/12/2021 16:41

I think it’s fine to arrange and them pay but be crystal clear it’s £x a head on invite. Maybe a set menu. Then you could buy wine for table, cake for dessert etc.

Seemssounfair · 06/12/2021 16:41

Being host at a bigger event for your birthday in a private venue but asking others to pay to attend doesn't sit right with me. I wouldn't do it.

Any events I've been to like this has been a set menu/buffet and host payed for food (not drinks). We did get them a decent gift though.

WhenSepEnds · 06/12/2021 16:42

I've always been of the understanding if it was a party with a private hired room then the host would pay, same as if they had a party, they would provide food/ a buffet etc. If it was just popping out for a more casual lunch/tea etc then I would normally pay for me and the host. That said, I would always make sure I had enough money to pay my way in all instances, just in case. Think the best advice is to make it very clear beforehand so everyone knows what to expect

fromdownwest · 06/12/2021 16:42

If friends go out for my birthday, or vice versa, we pay our own way. If anything, my friends will cover the cost of my meal.

Inviting 25 people out for food and drink and then being expected to pay for it is madness!

DownToTheSeaAgain · 06/12/2021 16:43

I just had a big birthday and chose an expensive restaurant so paid for my guests. If you are inviting them somewhere £££ it's not really fair to make them pay.

I had saved for a while to make this happen and also it wasn't loads of people.

fromdownwest · 06/12/2021 16:43

@sillysmiles

I'd always expect to pay for my own and split the cost of the birthday person's meal. Only on MN have I heard of this thing of having the birthday person pay for everyone's meal
Same here, thankfully I have never encountered this in the real world!
Beautiful3 · 06/12/2021 16:44

If you invite people to a special occasion, then you pay. If you don't want to do that, tell them upfront that they pay for the meal themselves.

BungleandGeorge · 06/12/2021 16:44

In your scenario I think you should pay and I think your circle will expect it. A more informal, it’s my birthday next week does anyone fancy coming out for a meal somewhere, where it’s a joint decision of venue etc is different.
I’d look at inviting a smaller number that you can afford or have a party

Briony123 · 06/12/2021 16:44

25 people seems a lot for a sit down meal - you'd only be able to speak to a few of them. A catered party where you can mingle would be far more fun, and probably a lot cheaper than standing them all an averaged priced meal.

starfishmummy · 06/12/2021 16:44

I've been to both where we have been paid for and where we have paid for our own. You need to let people know!!

Triffid1 · 06/12/2021 16:45

I haven't read all responses except page 1 and I see that there's a mix. I think this is because there is no ABSOLUTE right or wrong. There are things to be taken into consideration.

  1. Whatever you decide, invitations must be 100% clear on what you are doing.
  1. If you ask people to pay, do not be offended if they choose not to come/don't bring their partner etc.
  1. Be sensitive to who you are inviting and what is affordable for them. I don't mind paying for my own meal at an event like this but I do take it badly when wealthy friends expect me to pay £50 per head for food, and another £50 for drink. x 2 if it's for me AND DH.
  1. Ideally, aim to provide at least something - eg cocktails on arrival, some wine etc. There are ways to word this on the invite so that people know that you aren't just taking taking taking.
  1. If you ask people to pay, please specify that you don't expect nor want gifts.
Bexxe · 06/12/2021 16:45

i think this is a generational thing!

I am 26 and would never expect someone to pay for my meal. If they invite me, i would be expecting to pay for my own.

I dont think you need to revisit plans - just make it lcear on invitation

CrimbleCrumble1 · 06/12/2021 16:46

To all the people that have been to birthday meals for a largish number is working out how to split the bill tricky?

WhenSepEnds · 06/12/2021 16:46

@HeyArnoldHey

What?!!! I'd never not pay for my meal?!

If I accept to go out and celebrate I accept that I'm paying my meal and drinks .

How would anyone afford this?! Pay for all the guests???? Must be rich Grin

You would just save and invite as many people as you afford?
TwinklyBranch · 06/12/2021 16:47

@Swonderswoman

I have NEVER not paid when going out for someone's birthday. Decades of birthday meals out and never had the "inviter" pay.
This is my experience too. I would always expect to pay.
INeedNewShoes · 06/12/2021 16:47

A good friend celebrated her 40th at a nice restaurant. She paid for a private room and for everyone's drinks but made it clear at the outset that everyone would pay for their food, which was straight forward as it was a set menu at £60 a head.

I think to do it that way is absolutely fine.