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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not pay for their dinners... or should I?

377 replies

YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 16:02

A social etiquette question.

I have a landmark birthday next year and I'd like to celebrate it by having a dinner at a restaurant with a bunch of friends - I'm thinking about 25 people and booking a private room at somewhere really nice.

If I do this, though, does that mean that me and DH would be expected to pay for everyone's food? Or would we just make a contribution and split the rest between the guests at the end of the night?

We're probably the least well off of our friends, a lot of them are a bit posher than us in terms of background, so I'm not sure what will be expected/assumed by an invitation like this?

If this is the expectation that it's paid for (kind of like a wedding I guess) then we probably can't afford it and I'll have to do something different. Which is a shame. But I also don't want to put my foot in it and leave an awkward situation when the bill comes

OP posts:

CrimbleCrumble1 · 06/12/2021 16:47

Triffid I agree 💯% with everything in your post.

Tee20x · 06/12/2021 16:48

It's your birthday...I've never been to a birthday dinner where the birthday person has paid for us to eat. We all pay for our individual meals/drinks.

Why would you want to pay for people to celebrate your birthday with you ?!

Juliecloud · 06/12/2021 16:50

I’ve always paid for myself at friends birthdays.

I think the set menu with a note on the invite about how much it will be is a good idea so it is very clear!

BarbaraofSeville · 06/12/2021 16:50

I'd expect to pay for myself as a guest, but whatever you do, if you book a private room and you're not paying for everyone, make sure you fill it.

We went to a 'private room' birthday party for a type of restaurant that I really don't like (Brazillian BBQ, stuff yourself with meat or else it's a bit of a rip off, I have a small appetite and don't really like meat) and we were told it was £40 ph, which is more than we usually spend, but they didn't fill the room and then it transpired that it wasn't £40 ph, but £X00 for the room but there were a few people short, which meant that everyone's share was about £50, not £40.

Hellolittlestar · 06/12/2021 16:51

You don’t have to pay for the meal, but make it clear in the invitation.

comingintomyown · 06/12/2021 16:51

Expensive private venue you pay , more normal restaurant or pub guest pays

Samedaysame · 06/12/2021 16:52

If I were invited to a celebration meal I would expect the host to pay. I always pay for invited guests and for their drinks but maybe that is just my way. Happy birthday x

sillysmiles · 06/12/2021 16:53

@WhenSepEnds
You would just save and invite as many people as you afford?

So you can only go out for birthday dinner with your friends if you can afford to pay for all your friends? That's mad!

RowanAlong · 06/12/2021 16:53

I think these relies show you it’s really up to you. If you fancy the fine dining then I think you trim the numbers and stump up, or if you want the numbers, go somewhere casual and everyone pays their own way.

RowanAlong · 06/12/2021 16:53

*replies

Amandasummers · 06/12/2021 16:54

I’m going against the grain here but if I were invited out for dinner to celebrate someone’s birthday it wouldn’t even occur to me that I wasn’t supposed to pay for myself!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 06/12/2021 16:55

I've always expected to pay when I've received an invite like this. Just make it clear when you invite them. Maybe buy a few bottles of wine to put on the table beforehand.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 06/12/2021 16:56

The only instance where I’ve not paid for my own meal for a birthday meal out was my fiend’s 40th and she did a buffet.
And also our parents birthdays but that’s cos they’re our parents and still think we’re poor.
Every other time we’ve paid and I’ve always expected to pay.
I guess it’s different in different friendship circles but it’s only since joining mumsnet that I realised it’s a thing.

PinkAndPurpleClouds · 06/12/2021 16:57

@HaggisBurger

I went (indeed flew over) for a friends milestone birthday recently. I wondered if her and her husband would pay for the dinner for 14 people. They didn’t and I guess I was mildly 🤔. The husband did let everyone know they’d paid for the fizz on arrival which was a little cringe tbh. But overall I wouldn’t assume it would be paid for.

This reminds me of a time - some 8 years ago - when our DCs partner said 'my mum and dad wants you to come around for a meal so they can get to know you better' (cringe) 'so how about next Thursday?' We said 'ummm OK then.' Even though we were not keen. Then a few days before we were told we would all be going out for a meal instead.

So off we went to this restaurant they had chosen, and the meal cost us £63 between us. Not including drinks! We were like So we were asked for a meal at someone's house, then the goalposts were moved, and it ended up costing us almost £75 quid with drinks, as we were expected to pay for ourselves! We tried to order the cheapest stuff too!

Needless to say, we never took them upon any invitations again, and our DC is no longer with the same person. They finished about 6 months later after 18 months. Mutual separation.

@YukoandHiro If you are inviting someone YOU should pay IMO.

emmathedilemma · 06/12/2021 16:58

Unless it was a party hosted at someone's house I've always paid myself when I've been invited out for a birthday meal. I went to one birthday meal where the birthday boy sent us all the menu to pre-order but it didn't have prices on it so we all wondered if he was generously picking the bill but no, we all got hit with a £70+ bill per person and we went home hungry as it was such small fancy portions!

WonderfulYou · 06/12/2021 16:59

We went out for my nieces big birthday this month, her mum said that they were going out for dinner to celebrate and she would love us to come and we were to let them know. Each family paid their own meals.

However if i was sent an official invite to a big birthday then I would expect the host to pay for it

I agree.

Shall we all go out for a meal for my/dads/mums birthday? - we all pay for ourselves.

You’re invited to my large birthday meal/party - the food is provided/paid for.

Campervan69 · 06/12/2021 17:01

My family/friends are all working class (if that is relevant) and always have paid for ourselves as meals out for birthdays etc. I would be amazed to be in a situation where it's different - I don't know anyone with that kind of money

This. Never been out for a meal ever and been hosted. Doesn't stop us going out and having fun.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 06/12/2021 17:03

When I had a big birthday I invited friends and family to an Indian restaurant where we had a fixed menu, and I advised everyone of the price in advance. As it was a BYO place I took wine, fizz and beer for everyone. I wouldn't expect to pay if I attended someone else's birthday tbh and quite happy to pay my way as I would be honoured to be asked to celebrate with them.

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 06/12/2021 17:04

I don’t think you have to pay. It’s all about the wording of the invite. I.e For my 40th this year James and I are headed to the xxx restaurant. We’d love it if our friends and family wanted to join us. Here is the menu. Just let me know if you can come so I can book at table. We’ll provide the fizz, but please pay for what you want to eat at the bar. If you don’t fancy a meal out, no problem, hope to see you all soon.

BoredZelda · 06/12/2021 17:04

Only on MN have I heard of this thing of having the birthday person pay for everyone's meal

I’m not sure what the difference is from hosting a celebration party or organising a celebration sit down meal. If you had a party at a function room and there was a hot buffet, would you expect people to pay? What if it were a cold buffet? What if you threw the party at your house but got caterers in to provide a meal, would you charge?

If I am inviting people to a restaurant to celebrate any occasions with me, I pay, just as I would if I invited them to my home.

This is different from organising a night out with a few friends for your birthday where people would generally pick a meal and pay for it. This is a large booking with a set menu and as the host I’d pay for that. As a guest, I wouldn’t expected to have to pay for a meal when it is being dictated to me what I can eat. Especially as large event catering is over priced and rarely decent.

SlipperyLizard · 06/12/2021 17:05

I wouldn’t expect anyone to pay for a birthday meal - perhaps that’s because I grew up pretty poor, so no way would my family or anyone I know be able to afford that! Even now I’m ok financially I would expect my friends to pay for themselves. If it was a catered party of course I’d pay, but a meal out is (for me) a different matter.

Communication is key, so as long as everyone knows then if anyone is offended surely they aren’t really a friend?

BungleandGeorge · 06/12/2021 17:05

@Tee20x

It's your birthday...I've never been to a birthday dinner where the birthday person has paid for us to eat. We all pay for our individual meals/drinks.

Why would you want to pay for people to celebrate your birthday with you ?!

It’s the normal thing to pay for your guests’ refreshments at a celebration you’ve invited them to. Birthdays are about the only exception where you can get away without paying! But only if it’s an informal and less costly run of the mill meal. Big formal, expensive meal with invitation months before, private dining room- it will be considered a bit off. Especially if your friends are the type who invite you to lavish parties that they fund.

iloveheater · 06/12/2021 17:07

With that kind of set up, the default expectation is for the birthday person doing the inviting to pay.

However, as long as you worded the invitation carefully, you wouldn't have to pay. As with most things, it's in the delivery.

'It's my XXth birthday on DD MM YYYY and I'd love it if you could join me for a meal at XX restaurant, because I've had my eye on trying that one for ages! Here's a copy of the sample menu, hopefully there should be something there to suit everyone's budgets. Please let me know if you can make it by DD MM YYYY so I can book us a table - and if enough of us fancy going, I might even be able to organise a private room!'

spongedog · 06/12/2021 17:09

@mewkins

I think I would have a party instead and make it less fancy but pay for people. If you are set on the private dining thing would it be possible to get a set menu from the restaurant so that you can say to people up front it will be xx per head or whatever. That way they can decide up front and less pain at the end to get the bill paid. Could you cover drinks ?

This is exactly what we did years ago - covered appetisers, nibbles and welcome drink, then all drinks during and after the meal, and the tip to staff. Our guests paid for their food - all chosen from a small fixed menu. About £30 per head. I reckon our share was about half the cost of the evening.

BoredZelda · 06/12/2021 17:09

So you can only go out for birthday dinner with your friends if you can afford to pay for all your friends? That's mad!

Does anyone have 25 close friends they really feel it’s important to celebrate with?

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