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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for their dinners... or should I?

377 replies

YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 16:02

A social etiquette question.

I have a landmark birthday next year and I'd like to celebrate it by having a dinner at a restaurant with a bunch of friends - I'm thinking about 25 people and booking a private room at somewhere really nice.

If I do this, though, does that mean that me and DH would be expected to pay for everyone's food? Or would we just make a contribution and split the rest between the guests at the end of the night?

We're probably the least well off of our friends, a lot of them are a bit posher than us in terms of background, so I'm not sure what will be expected/assumed by an invitation like this?

If this is the expectation that it's paid for (kind of like a wedding I guess) then we probably can't afford it and I'll have to do something different. Which is a shame. But I also don't want to put my foot in it and leave an awkward situation when the bill comes

OP posts:
Ozanj · 06/12/2021 16:12

I wouldn’t expect to pay if you hired a room. If it was a casual pub or restaurant dinner then yes, but not if you’ve hired somewhere and got catering in.

TheChild · 06/12/2021 16:12

Everytime I've been invited for a birthday meal I have always paid for myself/my family. I've never gone to a meal expecting someone else to pay for me.

ChessieFL · 06/12/2021 16:12

It depends what’s normal in your circle of friends. I would always assume I’m paying for myself because that’s what always happens with birthday nights out. I would never expect to be paid for. However, if it’s normal for your friends to treat everyone then that’s what they will be expecting from you. As others have said as long as it’s made clear then it’s up to them whether to come or not and don’t choose anywhere ridiculously expensive!

Tal45 · 06/12/2021 16:12

Are these people that would all buy you a present? Could you ask if they would pay for their meal rather than get you a present? Perhaps run it by a few people first and see what they think?

steppingout · 06/12/2021 16:13

My friend had a big birthday limke this, we all paid for our own food and they paid for some wine for the tables (but as a surprise afterwards). I think completely fine as long as its clear - I.e. we'd love you to come, there's a set menu cost of X, understand if you can't.

Newnews · 06/12/2021 16:13

What @ErickBroch said.

In upper middle class circles, inviting people out for dinner for your birthday = paying for everyone = having a spare £500 knocking about. No one I know has this.

If any one of my friends invited me out for dinner for their birthday there is no way I’d assume they’d pay for everything. I would only assume they were covering the cost if they invited me to their house, and even then I’d offer to bring drinks or whatever.

BigYellowHat · 06/12/2021 16:13

MN is another planet to me. Aside from weddings, I’ve never been somewhere ‘posh’ for a celebration where I haven’t paid for myself.

Horriblewoman · 06/12/2021 16:13

I organised a surprise dinner for my husband's 30th, there was a set menu so I let everyone know in advance the cost when I invited them. I covered wine for the table though.

Crazycrazylady · 06/12/2021 16:13

I think its all in the phrasing, Proper invite i think people will expect you to pay,
A text along the lines, " Anyone fancy meeting up next month in x restaurant for dinner " its around Yukos birthday so any excuse" I think something like that makes it clear that its a meet up as opposed to party,...

AmIgoinghomeforXmas · 06/12/2021 16:14

I think it is fine to get others to pay for themselves if you are very clear about it and it is the norm in your social group.
It is the norm in lots of social groups but not all.

pigsDOfly · 06/12/2021 16:14

Very much depends on the sort of friendships you have and the ages of the people involved to a lesser extent, I think.

My adult children tend to do the large restaurant meal thing on their birthdays but they are very relaxed sort of people, everyone pays for themselves and closer friends pay for the birthday person's meal.

If your friendships are of the more formal type and you are more formal types of people then I think you need to expect to pay for your guests.

KirstenBlest · 06/12/2021 16:14

When I've gone to these, the guests pay for their own meals

CrimbleCrumble1 · 06/12/2021 16:16

I went to a restaurant 50th and the host paid for 2 courses (we preordered as a large group). Everyone bought there own drinks and we had cake after at the hosts house. It was ok but would have been so much better if it was a buffet so we could talk to more people and mingle.

Original poster
YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 16:16

Agree with those saying a party would be easier but I just can't really be arsed with the amount of hoopla that a party involves, plus due to covid backlogs a lot of spaces are already reserved for weddings etc (I have a summer birthday). Fancied something a bit more grown up than just loads of booze and cavorting about. However I do actually agree that if you invite people you pay. I posted this because my DH said he didn't think so.
Ok, back to the drawing board, or trim the potential invite list...

OP posts:
Earwigworries · 06/12/2021 16:17

I’m used to paying for myself at birthday meals - I only have one friend who pays for everyone - presumably because she can afford to

lastqueenofscotland · 06/12/2021 16:17

It’s fine for people to pay for themselves as long as it’s clear - but if you are going somewhere “really nice” it may be out of peoples budgets and you may end up with very limited numbers.

MadeItOut21 · 06/12/2021 16:17

You need to phrase it as "join us for a meal" and attach the menu. Maybe something like first round of drinks are on us.

I went to a birthday party at a restaurant recently, the host booked the place and made it clear she would pay for the first 2 rounds (from a specific list of drinks, so no one could be an arse and order sth too expensive). It meant the party got off to a good start quickly and everyone had a good time

girlmom21 · 06/12/2021 16:18

I would always expect to pay for myself but it depends on how you word the invitation.

cookiemonster2468 · 06/12/2021 16:18

I would generally expect to pay for myself at a friend's birthday meal, if it's at a restaurant.

If it's a party venue or something and there is a buffet then obviously the host pays for that sort of thing. But at a restaurant I'd normally expect to just split the bill.

I've only once been to a friend's big birthday at a restaurant where everyone was paid for by the host - they were quite wealthy. I wouldn't expect it of most of my friends.

Maybe it's also partly an age thing - they were in their 50s/60s and had established careers and very well off. I have lots of friends in their 30s who simply wouldn't be able to do it. I think either way is fine as long as it's clear.

Mumsnet opinion can be a bit skewed to be honest - there do seem to be lots of wealthy people on this forum. I don't think your average person goes around splurging £1000's on paying for everyone who comes to their birthday meal.

Original poster
YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 16:19

To those asking what usually happens, I've never been invited to a dinner like this before - most of my friends have had huge parties for birthday celebrations or just pub drinks which are more causal. I guess I was just hoping for something in between.
I've been to meals like this for older relatives but they are far wealthier than us and they always paid no question.
I do think if I do what I had in mind it would have to be me paying, so will need to work out if that's feasible

OP posts:
southlondoner02 · 06/12/2021 16:19

This is one of those MN topics where there's a big divide between people who think it's awful not to pay for everything if you invite people to a birthday dinner, and those who would never expect it.

FWIW I'm in the latter category, and have never been to a dinner where the host pays for everyone. As pp said as long as it's clear from the outset I think it's fine. Maybe sound out a few friends on the venue? If it's very fancy that may be a problem if people don't have much money, so I would choose accordingly.

HeyArnoldHey · 06/12/2021 16:19

What?!!! I'd never not pay for my meal?!

If I accept to go out and celebrate I accept that I'm paying my meal and drinks .

How would anyone afford this?! Pay for all the guests???? Must be rich Grin

WaitingForSanity · 06/12/2021 16:20

I'm really surprised people on here are saying that you should pay for everyone.
If I went to a friends birthday meal, I would NEVER expect them to pay for me.
Surely you can all have a get together at a lovely restaurant and they can pay for themselves?
I've been for many big birthday meals and we have either paid for ourselves individually or split the bill.

edin16 · 06/12/2021 16:21

If I was going to an event in a private room with 2 dozen people I think I'd think it was going to be payed for. Whereas if I was going to dinner with a few friends for one of their birthdays I would expect do pay...and if anything but the birthday person a couple of rounds of drinks or something.

LittleGwyneth · 06/12/2021 16:21

I would be inclined to ask the restaurant to do a set menu so it's a certain amount per head and people order ahead of time, then you can let people know how much it would be. It would be nice if you were willing to pay for some of the alcohol.

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