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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for their dinners... or should I?

377 replies

YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 16:02

A social etiquette question.

I have a landmark birthday next year and I'd like to celebrate it by having a dinner at a restaurant with a bunch of friends - I'm thinking about 25 people and booking a private room at somewhere really nice.

If I do this, though, does that mean that me and DH would be expected to pay for everyone's food? Or would we just make a contribution and split the rest between the guests at the end of the night?

We're probably the least well off of our friends, a lot of them are a bit posher than us in terms of background, so I'm not sure what will be expected/assumed by an invitation like this?

If this is the expectation that it's paid for (kind of like a wedding I guess) then we probably can't afford it and I'll have to do something different. Which is a shame. But I also don't want to put my foot in it and leave an awkward situation when the bill comes

OP posts:
KosherDill · 07/12/2021 23:29

@KarmaStar

I don't agree with the pp saying you invite,you pay. That's pretty poor form. Invite them,send them copied of menus,request deposits and add each individual(s) bill will be paid by them rather than dividing the final bill at the end of the evening. It makes it Crystal clear they must pay their way. Have a lovely time
Poor form?

Poor form is inviting people to a party and then handing them a bill.

Better to celebrate generously with beer & popcorn than to put friends on the spot to spend scarce extra funds.

KosherDill · 07/12/2021 23:34

@Lovely13

Remember my dad telling me I should have paid for all guests at my 30th dinner. Honestly hadn’t occurred to me! Weddings are different. But birthdays are more casual, surely.

"Hey I'm going to be round the pub having a few drinks for my birthday if you care to stop by!" is casual.

"Please join us at 7pm at Restaurant Henri for my birthday celebration dinner " is not a casual meetup. It's a hosted party & hosts pay the bill.

Feelingoktoday · 07/12/2021 23:49

Exactly as above!

me109f · 08/12/2021 03:06

Why on earth would you want to celebrate with a restaurant dinner which you feel you cannot afford?

If they are your real friends, just have a do at your own home or some where else, like a friends sprawly place. A catered buffet would be more imaginative and enables everyone to circulate, a pile of chinese or smorgesbord would be different and loads of fun, and would suit a variable party group turning up.

After all, meeting up with all your friends is really the important thing.

ElftonWednesday · 08/12/2021 03:15

I've been to meals which were all paid for, and have treated people myself, but I would never go along assuming I didn't have to pay.

lousanne · 08/12/2021 03:21

No way I'd want a bday person to pay for a fancy meal for 25 people! It's $200 per person here at restaurants (with cocktails), that's $5,000!

We're the opposite here in Aus - all the guests pay and they cover the bday girl's dinner 😀

Lynz78 · 08/12/2021 06:56

I wouldn't expect anyone to pay for my meal unless it was stated beforehand. Though I normally ask beforehand that we are just paying for ourselves after once going out and they expected the bill to be paid equally well off friends with DH and kids but all had adult meals and lots and lots of alcohol. My Dh was away with work and I was driving so did say no I was paying just for our meals.

inkworks273 · 08/12/2021 07:27

If I was invited out to a birthday meal I would expect the bill to be split between everyone.

CocoHeart · 08/12/2021 07:56

I did this and everyone paid for their own.
Close family & friends who I felt comfortable enough to make the circumstances clear when it was first arranged.

Marimaur · 08/12/2021 07:56

If I was invited to a meal in a restaurant, I would expect to pay for myself in all instances except a wedding or maybe an anniversary.

Hopefullywaiting01234 · 08/12/2021 08:22

I think if you are expecting people to pay their own it needs to be a middle of the road restaurant for example an Italian that does steaks/chicken etc also.

You can’t invite people to private fine dining and expect them to pay £100 per head for a tasting menu when they don’t like guinea fowl or beef tartare.

I wouldn’t mind paying £200 per couple for food and drinks (and have often done it in a big group of out for dinner drinks) but I would certainly grudge it if it was a set menu which I didn’t like

rookiemere · 08/12/2021 08:33

@Hopefullywaiting01234 but if people don't like the fine dining menu, they can politely decline. Conversely I'd far rather have an expensive but set price tasting menu, than go mid range and pay for someone else's steak whilst I ate chicken.

007Stocko · 08/12/2021 10:05

As long as your clear on the invite then their is no issue with people paying for themselves, they know before they choose to accept. As someone else said, include a copy of the menu.

However, the logistics of so many people paying for themselves can equally be a huge nightmare. Some will want to pay cash, some card. Some will only want to pay for what they had, others will suggest an equal split of the bill............ etc etc.

I suggest you have a chat with the venue your looking to use in advance, see what they can offer given you are bring decent custom and talk to them about collecting the money individually rather than trying to form a huge pot of money otherwise you need a nominated 'treasurer'!

Original poster
YukoandHiro · 08/12/2021 10:36

Lot of people saying "just invite them round to your place". Well we live in a flat so not enough space plus I have two young children who will be being babysat for the evening (probably by my parents). Plus it's just not what I want to do!
Always bemused by people on here ignoring the question and responding with a totally softener thing instead...
Anyway thanks for all the responses. Lots of divided opinion. Im going to start by speaking to some restaurants

OP posts:
MintLampShade · 08/12/2021 10:36

OP, if you are still around and reading this. Why don't you word it differently? Rather than hiring a room somewhere and inviting people etc, why don't you make it more casual and message a group of people and saying something like "shall we all go out for my birthday / do you guys fancy going out for my birthday, are you free on xyz date, we can book a table at xyz restaurant.

This is what normally happens in me & DH's friendship group and never has anyone ever paid for the entire thing. It's the other way around, people normally offer to pick up and split the cost of the BDay person's meal.

So I sort of agree with your DH, as long as you keep the invites and organisation casual. If you go down the room hire / sending invitation out route, that's more of a signal that it's going to be a "paid for" party.

Hopefullywaiting01234 · 08/12/2021 10:57

@rookiemere yes I get both sides of the coin but if it were a good friends birthday I probably wouldn’t decline and would attend (wouldn’t make it known I was unhappy). Others might also feel like that and not want to be seen as the couple who didn’t make the effort or were being difficult.

Personally don’t think a tasting menu is a good idea for a group of 25 when it’s not being their choice

lap90 · 08/12/2021 12:18

All the talk about splitting the bill equally vs paying for what exactly you had is exactly why ideally if you invite, you pay.

Going out as a big group for a meal can be a headache.

Happy1982ish · 08/12/2021 12:25

@lap90

All the talk about splitting the bill equally vs paying for what exactly you had is exactly why ideally if you invite, you pay.

Going out as a big group for a meal can be a headache.

I want to be sat at another table watching the divvying up! Would be like watching a comedy sketch
Original poster
YukoandHiro · 08/12/2021 12:36

Yeah I kind of agree @lap90 - that's what I said to my DH.

I might trim the guest list and then work extra hard next year (I'm self employed) so that I can afford to splash out

OP posts:
CrimbleCrumble1 · 08/12/2021 12:39

Or you could set a budget, say a £1000 for your 50th celebration and work backwards as to what you can afford.

Happy1982ish · 08/12/2021 12:42

@YukoandHiro

Yeah I kind of agree *@lap90* - that's what I said to my DH.

I might trim the guest list and then work extra hard next year (I'm self employed) so that I can afford to splash out

Better yet

Spend the money on investing in your pension! Saving for your kids! A wonderful family holiday!

Pr1mr0se · 08/12/2021 14:48

Personally I would resent being asked to pay - if I hadn't seen the menu beforehand at least but then I'm skint as it's just before Christmas. Hopefully as you're inviting friends they are all comfortable having this sort of conversation with you about who is paying. Just be upfront before the event.

FrenchBulldogsareFab · 08/12/2021 16:45

You pay, no other option is acceptable. If you cannot afford to you need to cut your cloth according to your purse.

BetsyBigNose · 09/12/2021 04:09

I have never been out for a friend's birthday meal and not paid for my own food and drink - none of us is rich enough to afford to pay for everyone and we wouldn't let that stop us from getting together for a decent dinner to celebrate!

I would choose the restaurant and decide on a menu with a few options, for a set price per head. I think you should probably pay for the wine everyone drinks with dinner, which would make paying the bill at the end much easier, especially if the price is a nice, round figure, like £30 or £40, and people can easily pay cash for their food, as the wine is being paid for by you. When you invite people, enclose a copy of the menu and say something along the lines of...

"It's my 40th coming up and I'd love for you to join me for dinner to celebrate at Restaurant. I've enclosed a copy of the menu, it's £XX for 3 courses, but I'll provide the wine! It would be fabulous to have your company for the meal, but if you'd prefer to join us for drinks afterwards, we will be in XX from 9pm"

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you have a wonderful birthday OP!