To not pay for their dinners... or should I?

[YukoandHiro]

A social etiquette question.

I have a landmark birthday next year and I'd like to celebrate it by having a dinner at a restaurant with a bunch of friends - I'm thinking about 25 people and booking a private room at somewhere really nice.

If I do this, though, does that mean that me and DH would be expected to pay for everyone's food? Or would we just make a contribution and split the rest between the guests at the end of the night?

We're probably the least well off of our friends, a lot of them are a bit posher than us in terms of background, so I'm not sure what will be expected/assumed by an invitation like this?

If this is the expectation that it's paid for (kind of like a wedding I guess) then we probably can't afford it and I'll have to do something different. Which is a shame. But I also don't want to put my foot in it and leave an awkward situation when the bill comes

I’ve had 2 birthday parties at posh restaurants, I paid because it was £££. I’ve been to friends birthdays, say at Cote, about £17 for 2 courses and the wine was paid for by the host.
I’d go somewhere with a set price menu, then send everyone the menu. Provide some welcome drinks, perfectly acceptable.

@BoredZelda

So you can only go out for birthday dinner with your friends if you can afford to pay for all your friends? That's mad!

Does anyone have 25 close friends they really feel it’s important to celebrate with?

25 would be just immediate family for me.

I would never expect the host to pay if I went out for a birthday dinner. I find it mad that people would expect this. Who has enough money to spend hundreds of pounds on everyone's meals? Definitely not the norm in my group of friends. In fact I'd expect to, and happily do so, offer to pay a contribution to the birthday person's meal.

You need to make it clear in advance, but in terms of etiquette it totally depends on you and your friends' usual way of doing things.
For me and my friends, it's always 'everyone shares the bill except the birthday boy/girl'. (there are usually minor adjustments for those, like me, who don't drink; we'll usually ask for a separate booze bill for ease).

The notion that because you've invited people, you pay, is valid if that's how your circle does it, but by no means the 'right' or only way. IMO it's a bit old-fashioned as well as a bit upper-crust.

God, when I’ve been to someone’s birthday meal everyone there has always paid for themselves and if anything we’ve all clubbed together to pay for the meal of the person whose birthday it is as a gift.

It’s outrageous that people expect the person whose birthday it is to pay, nobody is obligated to attend if they can’t afford it.

In our group we pay for our own meals and in fact we usually split the bill for whoevers birthday it is between us so that they don't pay.

I think for a meal in a restaurant I'd assume each guest would pay, for a private room with a set menu I'd probably assume the hosts would pay. But I genuinely think it's OK either way, it's just important to be clear at the invitation stage if you want your guests to pay.

My DH did this for a big bd, everyone paid their own, I felt really awkward, it didn’t feel right. I’d have much preferred he had a party, that way at least people expect to pay for own drinks at the bar but he was adamant he wanted a meal but no way we could afford to pay for everyone.

Maybe I'm unusual but I would never expect my meal to be paid for by the host at something like this, I think it would be incredibly, incredibly cheeky to expect it! Of all the meals I've attended within my friendship groups, no one has ever not paid for themselves, and I've not noticed anyone expecting the host to pay for everything either.

@5keletor

Maybe I'm unusual but I would never expect my meal to be paid for by the host at something like this, I think it would be incredibly, incredibly cheeky to expect it! Of all the meals I've attended within my friendship groups, no one has ever not paid for themselves, and I've not noticed anyone expecting the host to pay for everything either.

Same here! It's more someone arranging a time and place or whatever and coordinating it which is a pain in the ass, and then everyone orders and pays for their own. If it's a buffet or something then maybe different but I wouldn't see a meal as a party type thing. As long as clear from the beginning it's up to people if they come or not.

@SeaToSki

Well whatever you decide, make sure it is crystal clear with everyone before you show up

Exactly this and it depends on how you phrase the invitation.

A : Please join me for a meal to celebrate my 99th birthday at The Kings Head pub on 31st March at 7pm.

This is ambiguous, you might be paying, you might not. People may assume you are, like a wedding.

B : Thinking of celebrating my 99th birthday at the King's Head on 31st March at 7pm. The pub will be doing a special/set menu at £25 per person, please let me know ahead of time if you're interested and I'll be in touch to get your menu choices/deposit.

Crystal clear what the expectation is.

If hiring a private room then you should cover the cost at a private dinner party.

A restaurant is a grey area with the bill arriving at the table.

Would you ask people to chip in before hand? Have a buffet lunch instead or a restaurant meal.

So you invite a load of people and not only do you expect them to pay for themselves you expect them to pay for most of yours too?

That's not good etiquette .

It's fine to ask guests to pay AS LONG AS YOU MAKE IT CLEAR at the outset.

I have been out for several landmark birthdays and everyone pays for their own food, or agrees in advance that it will be split equally.

People round here invite their friends to join them if they want to, they are not inviting them as a paid guest.

In my experience people pay for their own meal or its divided up between the guests. Im pretty sure not many people would expect you to pay for 25 peoples meal at a restaurant unless it was a wedding or something. That would be quite extravagent

For me it's about the way it is organised, if you want something extra special that is outside of the norm for your circle (which this sounds like) then you host the event and pay. A casual arrangement where it's a small group going to celebrate a friends birthday that you do for all the friendship groups birthday is different and in those circumstances it's appropriate for everyone to pay themselves and cover the birthday person. The question is what is the norm for your friendship circle?

For my 50th I paid for my friends. But I made it clear beforehand that I was doing it. As my birthday is in Dec if I expected people to pay, on top of Xmas, parties, NYE etc no one would come out.

Wow as a birthday party guest I've never had the host pay. I'm not sure this is the norm! Often people at the party would pay for the host so the other way around!

I’ve both invited and been invited to dinner for birthday celebrations, I’ve always settled my own bill and I’ve never footed the bill.

Maybe send an invite with a menu, and ask if people would like to pre order before the day to make ‘the bill’ easier at the end and people can get their own drinks from the bar.

I would much prefer this set up, people know before they go how much it’s likely to cost, they can spend as little or as much as they like and leaves no awkward silences when splitting the dreaded bill

I think it's absolutely fine not to pay, provided you make it clear on the invite.
Please then pick somewhere that is fixed price, or have a set price menu and ensure that the drinks bill is fairly shared amongst those actually drinking, as my main worry attending a big pay your own event is that I end up inadvertently paying for some cheeky fuckers champagne cocktails and lobster dinner.

@TheOpportuneMoment

I would never expect the host to pay if I went out for a birthday dinner. I find it mad that people would expect this. Who has enough money to spend hundreds of pounds on everyone's meals? Definitely not the norm in my group of friends. In fact I'd expect to, and happily do so, offer to pay a contribution to the birthday person's meal.

Same. Genuinely surprised how many people would expect the birthday guy/gal to pay for everyone. If I couldn't afford to pay for my own dinner I wouldn't go.

Have been invited to both ways, equally happy to do either! Just make it clear on the invitation. "Was thinking about booking x restaurant to celebrate my birthday, looks like it would be about £xx each. Let me know if you want to join me!"

I've had that, always happy to pay my own way when I've been able to afford to.

I think if you don't mention cost people do expect you to pay.

I was once invited to a surprise big birthday meal at a hotel. We paid for our room (fair enough) but we also paid for the birthday girls meal, drinks and our own. Her H sat there getting all the praise for organising a surprise meal. I think my friend would have been fuming if she realised her H hadn’t even bought us a drink. I also had to pay for a baby sitter so it was a very expensive meal. I was not pleased.

If you make it crystal clear it would probably be fine ……but in all honesty dh & I do always slightly raise our eyebrows if we receive an ‘invitation’ where we’re expected to pay for the posh meal (and buy a gift obv because it would be rude not to!). HOWEVER, if a friend creates a whatsapp group and says ‘hi guys, shall we go out for a nice meal to celebrate with @YukoandHiro to celebrate her b’day - is anyone free on X date?’ then that would work and not be so awkward…