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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for their dinners... or should I?

377 replies

YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 16:02

A social etiquette question.

I have a landmark birthday next year and I'd like to celebrate it by having a dinner at a restaurant with a bunch of friends - I'm thinking about 25 people and booking a private room at somewhere really nice.

If I do this, though, does that mean that me and DH would be expected to pay for everyone's food? Or would we just make a contribution and split the rest between the guests at the end of the night?

We're probably the least well off of our friends, a lot of them are a bit posher than us in terms of background, so I'm not sure what will be expected/assumed by an invitation like this?

If this is the expectation that it's paid for (kind of like a wedding I guess) then we probably can't afford it and I'll have to do something different. Which is a shame. But I also don't want to put my foot in it and leave an awkward situation when the bill comes

OP posts:
BrimfulOfBaba · 06/12/2021 16:21

The responses to this question always varies so dramatically!

People are used to paying for their own meals for birthday celebrations - it's not a wedding! Just be clear in the wording of your invitation. So 'I'd like to celebrate my birthday here, here's the menu and prices, are you up for it?' Rather than 'my birthday celebration will be here, please join me'.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 06/12/2021 16:23

I’ve always paid for my own meal and drinks at birthday dinners, even milestone ones

CrimbleCrumble1 · 06/12/2021 16:23

It’s tricky though because the if the host wants nice and special then is it fair to pass the costs onto guests? I went round and round in circles with this for my 50th and ended up having a catered party at home so my guests didn’t have to spend a penny. They were ultra generous with their presents though which I really didn’t expect.

AmIgoinghomeforXmas · 06/12/2021 16:23

Maybe a pub function room with a buffet would be a good middle ground OP?

bowlingalleyblues · 06/12/2021 16:24

If I were invited to a restaurant or spa or similar as in: I’m going to x for my birthday, want to come? I’d assume that I’d pay my share. If I’ve been invited to a ‘party’ at a venue I’ve assumed food and probably some drinks were catered for. Either is fine, but either make it clear that the cost is or isn’t covered.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/12/2021 16:24

It’s generally not “inviter pays” among people I know, nor would I ever expect it

It’s the way it’s worded I think

You can say “we’re going out for dinner, would you like to come too?” Which means everyone pays for themselves

Or you can “invite” people in a way that suggests you are paying, “we’d like to invite you” etc. The private room, I think, makes it seem a bit like you’re paying unless you say “it’ll be £46.50 a head” or whatever it might be.

Getabloominmoveon · 06/12/2021 16:25

We recently had big birthdays and invited friends for dinner/s which we paid for because we can (now - wasn’t always the case). We also went to a friend’s birthday where they paid for the food from a set menu, but everyone paid for their own drinks. They’d organised this in a private room in a sort of gastro pub, so although everyone has a sit-down meal, and there were speeches, there was also lots of table hopping and mixing. It was very relaxed and a lot of fun.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 06/12/2021 16:25

@TeenMinusTests. I think if you are taking your own cake to Les Souers Heureuses you'd better make sure its not flapjack.Grin

OP, I think it's OK for guests to pay for their own meal as long as its absolutely crystal clear when you invite them. If you can afford it, buying the wine would be a nice idea but it's not absolutely necessary.

Pedalpushers · 06/12/2021 16:25

My circle are relatively well off upper middle class with various old money folks and I have never, outside of mumsnet, heard of this supposed etiquette that if you invite you pay, unless as someone said, you hire a room and put out food. Most people i know would be horrified at someone paying for everyone on THEIR birthday and would probably insist the birthday person doesn't pay for their meal at all.

bellsbuss · 06/12/2021 16:26

We've been invited and paid for, invited and had out drinks paid for and also invited and paid for everything ourselves. I always expect to pay and if I don't then it's a bonus. If you can't afford to pay for everyone could you afford to pay for some wine for the table ? If you can't you can still go ahead but maybe just say to your guests that they have to pay if you think they would be expecting you to.

Totalwasteofpaper · 06/12/2021 16:26

In case there is any doubt from your DH...
I think if you invite people you pay.

The only half way house we have ever done for this was hiring a PDR and paying for the meal any beers and a set amount of wine.

This was because my DH has two pisstaker friends who he insisted on inviting. I predicted they would take the piss and they were mildly outraged when they got £80 each bills for their extras (in addition to ordering the most expensive starter, main, dessert AND cheese course they had turned up early for pre dinner cocktails, ordered more at dinner with the wine and insisted on digestif liqueurs having forgotten the invite details. The restaurant staff were discrete but insistent Grin)

Zilla1 · 06/12/2021 16:27

HNRTT but perhaps one way around would be for your best friend to arrange this and invite everyone on the basis they each pay their own bills and possibly chip in for your meal. This might make some nuanced setting up but if you have your heart set on this and can't afford inviting everyone then getting a friend to invite everyone on a crystal clear basis each guest will pay their own way might work?

Good luck and enjoy your birthday.

Cloudyzebra · 06/12/2021 16:27

I swear this is something that only happens on MN. Whenever I've been out for dinner for someone's birthday, I have always paid for my food. In fact generally everyone puts in a bit and pays for the birthday persons food too. I think you'd be fine, just make sure you make it clear beforehand that everyone is paying for themselves. If people don't like it they can always decide not to come.

Zilla1 · 06/12/2021 16:28

One way of looking at this is that, In effect, your friend would arrange more of a surprise party for you.

MyAnacondaMight · 06/12/2021 16:28

Happy to pay for myself, but ideally I want a set menu so that I know what I’m in for.

“Join to celebrate my birthday at [nice restaurant]. Two courses are £35 - wine and birthday cake provided.” is great with me.

But I’m always wary of big dinners at expensive restaurants when there’s no structure. Someone inevitably orders the lobster and bottles of champagne, and then there’s an expectation at the end to split the bill and pay for the birthday girl too.

Blossom64265 · 06/12/2021 16:29

I’ve been to birthday dinners where we all paid for our own meals. It didn’t bother me at all. They didn’t even make it clear one way or another ahead of time, but we are lucky enough to have that not really matter in our budget so I didn’t worry about it.

25 people in a private room feels like a hosted event though so I would find a way to make it clear that it is not. Also work with the restaurant ahead of time on how people paying for themselves is going to work as it can get complicated with that big of a crowd. The restaurant may want to do a smaller menu. If they do, make sure that is clear to your guests before they decide if they are going to attend.

helpadvicewhateverneeded · 06/12/2021 16:29

This is a MN only thing, OP. Every dinner I've been to for birthdays big or small I've paid for myself AND chipped in extra to pay for the birthday haver's meal! If you could chip say an extra £100 in for some extra booze and pay for yourself, people I think would be very happy!!

Just10moreminutesplease · 06/12/2021 16:30

There are massive differences in expectations around who pays for what. In my circles everyone chips in to pay for the person whose birthday it is.

Despite what mumsnet would have us believe, there’s no right or wrong. Just set expectations early and you can’t go wrong.

Original poster
YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 16:30

That's a really good point @MyAnacondaMight - and a good way to word it too

OP posts:
lynxca16 · 06/12/2021 16:32

As you are hosting and inviting guests to attend then you pay.

ClaireEclair · 06/12/2021 16:34

I’ve never expected someone to pay for a meal I’ve been invited to. I’m coming to celebrate them and I’m happy to pay my way. If people don’t want to pay they don’t have to come. Something like a wedding is different or a christening but to celebrate your birthday with friends I would ever expect my friends to pay for my meal.

freezingtoes12 · 06/12/2021 16:34

In my group, it would not be expected that I would pay.

Original poster
YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 16:34

Lots of responses - and lots to consider, thank you. I probably need to decide on a restaurant first and work back from that.

OP posts:
TimeforaGandT · 06/12/2021 16:35

I suspect if you’re doing it in a private room for a reasonable number of people that you will have to pay in advance as the venue will need additional staff for your event and don’t want to get them in to suddenly find there are only six of you rather than 26. That certainly been my experience - I have had to pay for all food in advance (on basis of set menu price) and then drinks bill gets settled on night.

Happy1982ish · 06/12/2021 16:36

You have arranged a celebration that you can’t afford
Sorry OP but to invite people to a celebration dinner and not pay is peculiar and tight

And just like on this thread - some of the 25 will think that, others won’t

Either way - you can’t afford it so should have arranged something you could

Seeing you all divvy up the bill at the end… now that I’d pay to watch! Grin

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