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Moral dilemma about xmas
339

WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:19

I’ve had a hell of a time of it over the past 2 years (NHS worker blah blah blah), DC struggling with lockdowns, trying to look after parents and DH and everything else. Over the summer I realised something had to change and applied for a job (out of NHS) and got it.

I started that job last week, having no time off between ending the last job. It’s a completely new sector and I’m absolutely shattered.

Leave year runs Jan -Dec and because I’ve started in Dec I only have 2.5 days of leave. I assumed these would need to be used for the Xmas bank holidays and I would need to work between Xmas and new year. All fine.

My husband said he would take DC to visit his family (5 hours away) that week. I said I wouldn’t come as I would need to work, his family is huge and rowdy and I know I would not be able to work with them around.

I don’t really want to go there anyway, which brings me to the point.

I’ve found out that I don’t need to use my leave to cover the bank holidays. So I have 2 days leave to use during the 3 working days between Xmas and new year. I have been offered the third unpaid if I want the week off. Or I can work if I prefer and carry the extra 2 days into next year (which then would match my entitlement from the NHS).

So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working) given I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years. He has taken breaks and trips on his own over that time leaving me with DC, including 2 weeks in the summer. I have not had any breaks on my own.

I may still work between Xmas and new year and carry the leave. 🤔

YABU - you shouldn’t take this much needed but sneaky break to recharge your batteries
YANBU - do it.

OP's posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Lalliella · 06/12/2021 00:23

Don’t lie to your DH. Once you do this, the trust between you is gone and it could wreck your marriage.

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NoSquirrels · 06/12/2021 00:25

Do you know what? If I found out my DH did this to me, I wouldn’t end my marriage. I would think ‘Fucking hell, why couldn’t he tell me?’

We’d approach truth & reconciliation on that basis.

Clearly if your relationship is in balance, and you love your in laws, this wouldn’t be an issue. OP would say “DH, work told me I can take 2 days extra holiday. I’d love to use them to recharge when you’re with your parents - you know I’m exhausted.” And DH would happily say “Good plan. Enjoy the downtime.”

But given that both relationships with DH and in-laws seem shaky, why wouldn’t OP stay home and be economical with the truth?

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Shallwegoforawalk · 06/12/2021 00:37

Definitely take the time.

I'd go with the option of telling him after he's arrived and when it's too late for you to go. So not outright lies but still get the peace you deserve.

And use a bit of the time to reflect on why you've flogged yourself to death for 2 years while he's been having many weeks of lad fun. Not fair. Needs addressed.

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mellicauli · 06/12/2021 00:53

I think you need to get this out there. Even if it leads to a row. You need to quietly and calmly assert your right to have needs and have those needs met. These are the facts:

  • you really need this
  • you have provided him with 10x the space you are asking for yourself
  • it's not about his family, it's about what you need
  • you are an adult and as an adult you can and will decide how you spend your time
  • that you considered having to lie to get this tiny thing you want points to an imbalance in your marriage: you are not his facilitator, it's supposed to be a partnership and that means you facilitate each other. That doesn't appear to be happening right now.
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PermanentTemporary · 06/12/2021 01:00

I'm trying to imagine what I would really have done when married, and the answer probably is that I wouldn't have taken the break, because I would have felt too guilty. Not that dh would ever have taken an entire week with dc and family anyway (he did do a long weekend once). Also I would have imagined him finding out I was at home aline and just coming back so that we could be together, thereby ruining my break and making me secretly cry with frustration . It seemed to me that in our last 3 years together I had a total of 20 minutes at home on my own and that nearly drove me insane.

There's no good answer. You need a break, your in-laws ate horrible to your kids, there is no good option. If you can, try to talk to him about the lack of bearable options. But I get why you don't want to.

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Namenic · 06/12/2021 01:05

I would tell him the truth but say you want a break. You have facilitated his cycling breaks, so you want this one.

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Nasturs · 06/12/2021 01:09

  • I think you need to get this out there. Even if it leads to a row. You need to quietly and calmly assert your right to have needs and have those needs met. These are the facts:
  • you really need this
  • you have provided him with 10x the space you are asking for yourself
  • it's not about his family, it's about what you need
  • you are an adult and as an adult you can and will decide how you spend your time
  • that you considered having to lie to get this tiny thing you want points to an imbalance in your marriage: you are not his facilitator, it's supposed to be a partnership and that means you facilitate each other. That doesn't appear to be happening right now*

    That’s all really sound advice. But I could understand why it would feel like a lot of hard work in the short term. Either way... take the time off.
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PyongyangKipperbang · 06/12/2021 01:23

@Lalliella

Don’t lie to your DH. Once you do this, the trust between you is gone and it could wreck your marriage.

Given that he is a selfish shit and she is left feeling the need to lie, I am not at all confident that this marriage isnt already wrecked. Its just that the OP hasnt realised yet.
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Wingedharpy · 06/12/2021 01:40

Serendipity OP.
This opportunity has come about through an honest assumption on your part.
DH accepted the situation and has made his own arrangements accordingly.
Don't upset the apple cart now and upset everyone's plans.
Wave them off, crack open the Baileys and enjoy your rest.

Truth, can be overrated IMHOXmas Wink

DH still thinks I iron his non-iron shirts.
I haven't for the last 15 years, but he doesn't need to know this.

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MincePiesAreAMeal · 06/12/2021 02:55

There’s being a selfish twat and there’s lying to your partner - both are shit and relationship breakers.
Personally I would tell dh the truth but only at the very last minute when you are ‘too tired’ to travel up and can justify staying at home. I just couldn’t lie to my dh for days at a time and if he could lie to me like that I’d be devastated and it would make me question our whole marriage.

Don’t get me wrong, you sound like you need a break (divorce) but I would tell dh where you are without being ‘able’ to get up to his family in time.

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Silvershroud · 06/12/2021 03:18

Take the break and don't tell him. If he finds out, tell you had to work from home for some reason. It is a white lie, to keep family harmony. He is not your lord and master, you don't have to "confess" everything to him.

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nocnoc · 06/12/2021 03:49

God no. Don’t waste precious holiday on crap family. Stay home, say nothing. Have a couple of days to yourself

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DBI78 · 06/12/2021 04:06

I agree with time off not sure I agree with lying. But totally understand pressure to go with them if you are off. Yeah I'm leaning towards little white lie.

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Userevermore · 06/12/2021 04:08

Just tell him and do what you want to do, I certainly wouldn't be travelling with him though

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daisychain01 · 06/12/2021 04:16

@WouldIBeATwat

No bother covering school hols.

DH is a cyclist and has done 3 major cycle trips (1000 miles each, taking 2 weeks each time, plus all the training (2 hrs per day for around 2 months before hand)) in the last 2 years and has another planned for March. I’ve facilitated all of that, missing out on my own workouts to give him that time.

So your DH has done all this, but you're worried about him being really offended by not wanting to go to stay with his rowdy family.
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CanIPleaseHaveOne · 06/12/2021 04:24

@Wingedharpy

Serendipity OP.
This opportunity has come about through an honest assumption on your part.
DH accepted the situation and has made his own arrangements accordingly.
Don't upset the apple cart now and upset everyone's plans.
Wave them off, crack open the Baileys and enjoy your rest.

Truth, can be overrated IMHOXmas Wink

DH still thinks I iron his non-iron shirts.
I haven't for the last 15 years, but he doesn't need to know this.

Every single word of this is very wise (except for Baileys Grin)!

Seriously OP, if there would be a big drama then use your head, say nothing and take a very well deserved quietness break. Rather than break the marriage it may save it!
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DustyMaiden · 06/12/2021 04:30

You think your wishes are reasonable so tell him. Lying to get your own way is not reasonable. I’m surprised how many think it is.

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Ragwort · 06/12/2021 04:33

Of course you should take the break, and is your DH really going to quiz you about how many days AL you get and what you are doing with them? You not telling a "lie" you are just choosing not to tell him you get the extra days.
And if he does, just stay firm ... if necessary remind him he's had his 'breaks' and now you need your's. My DH hasn't got a clue how many days AL I have and what I do with them ... but then he's not an unreasonable twat who expects me to spend my free time with him or his family.

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aloris · 06/12/2021 04:37

"DH still thinks I iron his non-iron shirts.
I haven't for the last 15 years, but he doesn't need to know this."

Still working on finishing the thread but just had to give this some applause. Brilliant!

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AmaryllisNightAndDay · 06/12/2021 04:46

Tell him about the holiday after he had departed with the kids - unless there is any chance he'd be able to pressure you into joining him, in which case keep quiet altogether. Yes, tell him the extra leave was a last-minute announcement if you need to, otherwise keep it vague.

You probably do need to get it out there, but only after you have had the break and when he gets back from visiting his horrible parents. Otherwise there's every chance either he will guilt trip you into visiting them or he will have been talking to them about it and blaming you. Or both.

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PyongyangKipperbang · 06/12/2021 04:47

@aloris

"DH still thinks I iron his non-iron shirts.
I haven't for the last 15 years, but he doesn't need to know this."

Still working on finishing the thread but just had to give this some applause. Brilliant!

still after 5 hours, trying to work out why he expects anyone but him to iron his shirts at all. And wh y you finding a "work around" is somehow a win.

My son has Cerebal Palsy and still irons when needed.....was your husband born without arms?
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mathanxiety · 06/12/2021 04:47

He’s behaving as though a week away with the DC will put him in the running for “man of the year” at the moment.

That's OK. There's only a little bit of the year left. He'll have to start all over again when 2022 rolls around.

Tell him you're not going with him and that you'll be taking a few days off for your own rest.

If he kicks up a stink, emphasise that you have facilitated his breaks over the last twelve months and you expect cheerful reciprocity on his part.

If there is still visible resentment on his part, then try to book the two of you into marriage counseling.

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AngeloMysterioso · 06/12/2021 04:50

Take the time off, and if you really feel you have to tell your DH, wait til he’s already left Grin

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PurplePeopleEater76 · 06/12/2021 05:02

I wouldn’t lie to him because that would suggest you are doing something you are ashamed of, like having an affair (not that people necessarily should be ashamed of affairs, but you know what I mean),
But I would definitely tell him you want a couple of days rest and if he gets the hump remind him of his trips.

Don’t fall into the trap I did of being automatically expected to visit his mother every time he did, despite the fact she’s never liked me, so now if he goes without me she adds it to the reasons to complain to him about me (23 years down the line).

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aloris · 06/12/2021 05:09

Well I would lean on the side of telling him, because I do think lying would cause problems and make an already problematic situation more so.

At the root of your problem, as you describe it, is that if he knows about your plan, then he will likely punish you by his reaction, to ensure you go with him. And yet he himself has had, not one, but three separate hobby holidays (on his own) for a total of six weeks during the pandemic, while you have had two weeks "holiday" looking after the children without him. That is very unequal, and for him to get upset about your staying behind, would be very controlling on his part. Essentially, the dynamic you describe is that he takes holidays as he wishes but exerts veto power over your holidays to prevent you from having the same rest as he gets. That is not ok.

I think this is a big marriage issue and if it's not resolved in a way that is fair to you then it's probably not a great sign for the marriage. Lying about it only delays that discussion but also means when you DO discuss it, you put yourself in the wrong and give him ammunition to further control or blame you. I don't think things can really go on like this indefinitely, it's too unequal and unfair. If talking about it is going to be a big conflict (which it probably will), then I think you should try to make choices that keep the argument simple: you have supported him in having holidays from the rigors of family life, and if your marriage is to survive then he needs to reciprocate that. Don't add factors like lying that will muddy the waters.

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