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Moral dilemma about xmas
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WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:19

I’ve had a hell of a time of it over the past 2 years (NHS worker blah blah blah), DC struggling with lockdowns, trying to look after parents and DH and everything else. Over the summer I realised something had to change and applied for a job (out of NHS) and got it.

I started that job last week, having no time off between ending the last job. It’s a completely new sector and I’m absolutely shattered.

Leave year runs Jan -Dec and because I’ve started in Dec I only have 2.5 days of leave. I assumed these would need to be used for the Xmas bank holidays and I would need to work between Xmas and new year. All fine.

My husband said he would take DC to visit his family (5 hours away) that week. I said I wouldn’t come as I would need to work, his family is huge and rowdy and I know I would not be able to work with them around.

I don’t really want to go there anyway, which brings me to the point.

I’ve found out that I don’t need to use my leave to cover the bank holidays. So I have 2 days leave to use during the 3 working days between Xmas and new year. I have been offered the third unpaid if I want the week off. Or I can work if I prefer and carry the extra 2 days into next year (which then would match my entitlement from the NHS).

So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working) given I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years. He has taken breaks and trips on his own over that time leaving me with DC, including 2 weeks in the summer. I have not had any breaks on my own.

I may still work between Xmas and new year and carry the leave. 🤔

YABU - you shouldn’t take this much needed but sneaky break to recharge your batteries
YANBU - do it.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Double3xposure · 06/12/2021 12:51

For someone who wants an “ unconventional “ relationship you’ve ended up with the very definition of convention - the woman does most of the wifework / housework, whether she works outside the home or not.

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WouldIBeATwat · 06/12/2021 12:53

Only in the past couple of years, to be fair. And who can truly say nothing has changed for them over that period?

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Double3xposure · 06/12/2021 12:55

I’m not blaming you , just making an observation. Now you have noticed the change you are able to make choices, if it’s not what you want.

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WouldIBeATwat · 06/12/2021 12:56

He stopped working at the start of the pandemic because I was out of the house 16/18 hours a day 7 days a week. Did most of the home learning/childcare during lockdowns etc. And I do very little housework.

It’s just the time for cycling that has been an issue really.

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AlexaIWillNeverSayDucking · 06/12/2021 12:59

I wouldn't lie completely but I'd set it up a little bit before telling him.

For example, I would make plans to meet friends while he and DCs are away, book theatre tickets etc.

Then, when you find out you have some "bonus" holiday, you are already too scheduled at home to go to ILs, what a shame.

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Twixxed · 06/12/2021 12:59

Yanbu to do what you want with the time. But personally I think I'd work the days (it'll be a quiet time anyway and you'll still get the bank hols/evenings to yourself) and carry over the days.

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Bexxe · 06/12/2021 13:02

I would take your leave off and tell him you have 2.5 days off.

Then bite the bullet and work the third day so you can honestly say you can’t come because you still have to be in work 1 day.

So you get a few days off (some to yourself)
Your working 1 day so technically it’s not a lie to DH!

Win win!

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Ohbotherpiglet · 06/12/2021 13:10

I would work and carry the leave over. It’s a much smaller lie and normally the time between Xmas and new year is dead quiet. You’ll still get a rest having house to yourself.

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Booklover3 · 06/12/2021 13:23

It’s your life OP. Only you know what it’s like to live it. Do what you think is best. If you don’t talk about work then you aren’t lying really are you? Yes it’s a lie by omission I suppose but you really sound like you need a break. He isn’t taking your feelings into consideration if he’s extended the trip away anyway. Flowers

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Borderterrierpuppy · 06/12/2021 13:32

Take the week for yourself, you absolutely need it.
As your dh has had so much time for his hobbies I would tell him but don’t tolerate any attempt to make you feel guilty.

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Fanacapan · 06/12/2021 13:33

@Ohbotherpiglet

I would work and carry the leave over. It’s a much smaller lie and normally the time between Xmas and new year is dead quiet. You’ll still get a rest having house to yourself.

This 💯
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rookiemere · 06/12/2021 13:34

Ok my views on things change somewhat with your latest update . I can see why if he was doing basically solo parenting and housework during lockdown, why perhaps he felt he deserved a number of child free breaks. Although it does still seem an excessive amount and duration.

That's not to say you weren't working extremely hard at your critical role, just that I'd somewhat assumed you were picking up all the domestic and childcare slack.

I still don't think you should go and a Boxing Day to NYE trip seems more than long enough, but maybe you should work the unpaid day so you're not withholding the truth, or some of the truth.

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Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 06/12/2021 13:44

It isn’t great to lie to your children either tbh.

The children aren't heading off to a work camp. They're going to be with family, including cousins their own age. They'll be fine. And their mother will be getting some much-needed rest meaning that she will be refreshed and happier when they come home


Yes but why the need to lie? It’s horrible

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BessieBlue · 06/12/2021 13:47

You have 2.5 days leave to take so go in Wednesday morning and tell him that work informed you that you actually had leave to take before New Year so you’re off Thursday/Friday. Not all companies like staff to carry leave over.

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JuicySatsuma85 · 06/12/2021 13:58

@JaniieJones

'I’ve spent the last 104 weeks with my DC.'

Well done. That is however fairly normal when you're a parent Grin.

I don't get it tbh. Lie, stay at home whatever just stop trying to justify it with your cycling moans.

This!

You don’t have to make DH out to some kind of heartless monster just to take some holidays. Just take the bloody holidays coz you want to take them.
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GrumpySausage · 06/12/2021 13:59

@WouldIBeATwat

No bother covering school hols.

DH is a cyclist and has done 3 major cycle trips (1000 miles each, taking 2 weeks each time, plus all the training (2 hrs per day for around 2 months before hand)) in the last 2 years and has another planned for March. I’ve facilitated all of that, missing out on my own workouts to give him that time.

God do it.
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Landof · 06/12/2021 14:28

Just read all of your updates.

I think you deserve this free time but I don't think you should lie to your DH. If he wants to pretend to his family that you're working then that's up to him, but I think you should say what you've said here. You're exhausted from the whole pandemic and could really do with some time to refresh, dh gets to see family, the kids can see their cousins and you can relax. I'd let them leave early on boxing day but ask them to be back on NYE.

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JaniieJones · 06/12/2021 15:32

'Ok my views on things change somewhat with your latest update . I can see why if he was doing basically solo parenting and housework during lockdown, why perhaps he felt he deserved a number of child free breaks. Although it does still seem an excessive amount and duration.'

Yes I think the moral to the story is you both pull your weight, you're both entitled to free time but there's no need to make stuff up.

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Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 06/12/2021 16:11

Also I would like to say that my understanding of “a break” from your initial post was that you hadn’t had any time off work for 2 years. Now I understand it as you haven’t had a child free holiday? You had 2 weeks off but with the children? Tbh that’s what most people have to do. I get your husband didn’t hurt I do agree with a PP about having agreed he could go snd then complaining after / it’s the sort of thing my husband would do and it drives me crackers. Just say no at the time. Or then say you want some time. Lying is not acceptable.

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AryaStarkWolf · 06/12/2021 16:20

I've read all of your updates and absolutely think based on what you said say nothing and enjoy your break!

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WouldIBeATwat · 06/12/2021 16:31

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

Also I would like to say that my understanding of “a break” from your initial post was that you hadn’t had any time off work for 2 years. Now I understand it as you haven’t had a child free holiday? You had 2 weeks off but with the children? Tbh that’s what most people have to do. I get your husband didn’t hurt I do agree with a PP about having agreed he could go snd then complaining after / it’s the sort of thing my husband would do and it drives me crackers. Just say no at the time. Or then say you want some time. Lying is not acceptable.

You’re clearly someone who has not been on the NHS frontline during a pandemic. No rest days, never ending shifts, staff absence and patient expectation has been completely overwhelming. Humans can generally manage up to 6 months of trauma. This has been over 3 times that.

Add to that child well-being, home schooling, trying to stay healthy and in touch with isolated family and friends. It was relentless.

A 2 week break at home with the DC was no break, I can assure you. Different stresses, certainly, but not a bloody break. Even over the summer when I would just work my standard 13 hour shift, the 4 hour a day cycle training pushed the limits of reasonableness several times.
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Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 06/12/2021 16:49

I don’t understand why you’re asking? You have made up your mind/you are quite short with posters snd think you are right so what’s the point of this thread?

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Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 06/12/2021 16:50

A 2 week break at home with the DC was no break, I can assure you. Different stresses, certainly, but not a bloody break

But this is what most people have as a holiday - time with their children. That’s life with children.

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MrsLargeEmbodied · 06/12/2021 16:54

you have just changed jobs though?

tell you what op, you do what you want

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rookiemere · 06/12/2021 17:11

OP I'm on your side, I totally don't think you should go to visit the IL family and you deserve a rest.

But I do wonder if what we're witnessing here is a microcosm of real life, where you take on an unbearable load silently seething and then snap when it becomes too much.

I just wonder why you didn't call out your H when he sodded off on his 4 hour cycles after your lengthy working days, or point out to him that you all needed some family time off together?

I get that you wanted to support him in his quest to be fit, but it does seem to have come at the cost of your mental and possibly physical well-being.

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