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Moral dilemma about xmas
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WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:19

I’ve had a hell of a time of it over the past 2 years (NHS worker blah blah blah), DC struggling with lockdowns, trying to look after parents and DH and everything else. Over the summer I realised something had to change and applied for a job (out of NHS) and got it.

I started that job last week, having no time off between ending the last job. It’s a completely new sector and I’m absolutely shattered.

Leave year runs Jan -Dec and because I’ve started in Dec I only have 2.5 days of leave. I assumed these would need to be used for the Xmas bank holidays and I would need to work between Xmas and new year. All fine.

My husband said he would take DC to visit his family (5 hours away) that week. I said I wouldn’t come as I would need to work, his family is huge and rowdy and I know I would not be able to work with them around.

I don’t really want to go there anyway, which brings me to the point.

I’ve found out that I don’t need to use my leave to cover the bank holidays. So I have 2 days leave to use during the 3 working days between Xmas and new year. I have been offered the third unpaid if I want the week off. Or I can work if I prefer and carry the extra 2 days into next year (which then would match my entitlement from the NHS).

So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working) given I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years. He has taken breaks and trips on his own over that time leaving me with DC, including 2 weeks in the summer. I have not had any breaks on my own.

I may still work between Xmas and new year and carry the leave. 🤔

YABU - you shouldn’t take this much needed but sneaky break to recharge your batteries
YANBU - do it.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Yearonebesties · 19/12/2021 15:14

I wouldn’t be allowing my kids near such toxicity full stop
What did you decide to do @WouldIBeATwat

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tallduckandhandsome · 06/12/2021 20:42

Definitely don’t go up to see in laws, enjoy the well earned break.

Definitely tell DH he needs to be back by NYE as that’s your time with DC.

Definitely make sure you get equal child-free holiday time as DH.

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lololololollll · 06/12/2021 20:21

I would defo do it. Order takeaway, drink the wine and watch the shit tv. Ooh sounds like heaven

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userwhatever01 · 06/12/2021 20:02

I am not sure why you are even asking. Work one day, take the others off, and be vague.

Let your dh deal with his family, if they are rude and play favourites then sod them.

Chill out, have a relax, take it easy ! It is not a very hard dilemma.

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LuluBlakey1 · 06/12/2021 19:48

What would you do? Stay at home?

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Rainartist · 06/12/2021 19:43

I'd do it without telling DH if he was going to be a dick over not seeing enduring his family. If it alleviates your guilt go in for a day or part of a couple of days.

Sometimes that's all the break you need, pop in for a couple of hours, get a few bits done hassle free then go home relax on your own. That way you aren't lying when you say you've been at work.

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onceandneveragain · 06/12/2021 19:13

Some posters are being right dicks. YA 100% not unreasonable not to go to your ILs, however I personally would carry the days over into next year.
advantages:

  • You won't be lying to DH and saying you're working when you're not
  • everywhere I've worked other than retail those days have been dead anyway so you can still have a relaxed day/get work done without loads of phone calls etc interrupting you. particularly if you're going to be 'informally' on call anyway you may as well get paid for it.
  • you'll still get a nice break having a few days and every evening for a week to yourself
  • 2 extra days holiday next year
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neverbeenskiing · 06/12/2021 17:47

Yeh, her DP has been selfish. But he hasn’t been dishonest and equally it doesn’t sound like OP told him not to go on these
Trips at the time.


Oh I agree. I'm not advocating lying. Apart from anything else it means nothing will change. I just think that it's the inequality in the relationship that's the real issue here.

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Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 06/12/2021 17:44

@neverbeenskiing

Yeh, her DP has been selfish. But he hasn’t been dishonest and equally it doesn’t sound like OP told him not to go on these
Trips at the time.

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MrsLargeEmbodied · 06/12/2021 17:43

Is there a reason you’re so determined to be shitty? @WouldIBeATwat

i just said do what you want!

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neverbeenskiing · 06/12/2021 17:42

Also I would like to say that my understanding of “a break” from your initial post was that you hadn’t had any time off work for 2 years. Now I understand it as you haven’t had a child free holiday? You had 2 weeks off but with the children? Tbh that’s what most people have to do.

Her DH doesn't have to though, does he? He's had several weeks of childfree time, which is why OP feels hard done by in comparison.

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Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 06/12/2021 17:34

OP really not sure why you’re getting a hard time on here.

Take a bloody break - from one healthcare worker to another (and I didn’t even do your sorts of shifts, I have had breaks and even then I’m considering quitting). No need to tell DH until after he’s gone, and even then be liberal with the details, eg ‘finishing early’ ‘on call from home’. Have some quiet time, go out for brunch, go shopping, watch movies. You will feel good for it - just shove the guilt away, it has no place in this decision.

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shreddies · 06/12/2021 17:21

OP. You clearly need a break. Tell your DH you are on call and let him go. Tbh though I would be pissed of at his selfishness in wanting to keep the dcs with him for New Year's Eve, in your shoes I would take it as extra chill time. Get some nice food and drink in and do what the fuck you like.

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WouldIBeATwat · 06/12/2021 17:13

@MrsLargeEmbodied

you have just changed jobs though?

tell you what op, you do what you want

Yeah. Just changed jobs (with no break in between). Not stressful at all changing sectors, taking on more responsibility and learning a completely new organisation, largely remotely (my team is spread across the entire country). It’s a piece of piss.

Is there a reason you’re so determined to be shitty?
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rookiemere · 06/12/2021 17:11

OP I'm on your side, I totally don't think you should go to visit the IL family and you deserve a rest.

But I do wonder if what we're witnessing here is a microcosm of real life, where you take on an unbearable load silently seething and then snap when it becomes too much.

I just wonder why you didn't call out your H when he sodded off on his 4 hour cycles after your lengthy working days, or point out to him that you all needed some family time off together?

I get that you wanted to support him in his quest to be fit, but it does seem to have come at the cost of your mental and possibly physical well-being.

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MrsLargeEmbodied · 06/12/2021 16:54

you have just changed jobs though?

tell you what op, you do what you want

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Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 06/12/2021 16:50

A 2 week break at home with the DC was no break, I can assure you. Different stresses, certainly, but not a bloody break

But this is what most people have as a holiday - time with their children. That’s life with children.

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Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 06/12/2021 16:49

I don’t understand why you’re asking? You have made up your mind/you are quite short with posters snd think you are right so what’s the point of this thread?

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WouldIBeATwat · 06/12/2021 16:31

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

Also I would like to say that my understanding of “a break” from your initial post was that you hadn’t had any time off work for 2 years. Now I understand it as you haven’t had a child free holiday? You had 2 weeks off but with the children? Tbh that’s what most people have to do. I get your husband didn’t hurt I do agree with a PP about having agreed he could go snd then complaining after / it’s the sort of thing my husband would do and it drives me crackers. Just say no at the time. Or then say you want some time. Lying is not acceptable.

You’re clearly someone who has not been on the NHS frontline during a pandemic. No rest days, never ending shifts, staff absence and patient expectation has been completely overwhelming. Humans can generally manage up to 6 months of trauma. This has been over 3 times that.

Add to that child well-being, home schooling, trying to stay healthy and in touch with isolated family and friends. It was relentless.

A 2 week break at home with the DC was no break, I can assure you. Different stresses, certainly, but not a bloody break. Even over the summer when I would just work my standard 13 hour shift, the 4 hour a day cycle training pushed the limits of reasonableness several times.
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AryaStarkWolf · 06/12/2021 16:20

I've read all of your updates and absolutely think based on what you said say nothing and enjoy your break!

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Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 06/12/2021 16:11

Also I would like to say that my understanding of “a break” from your initial post was that you hadn’t had any time off work for 2 years. Now I understand it as you haven’t had a child free holiday? You had 2 weeks off but with the children? Tbh that’s what most people have to do. I get your husband didn’t hurt I do agree with a PP about having agreed he could go snd then complaining after / it’s the sort of thing my husband would do and it drives me crackers. Just say no at the time. Or then say you want some time. Lying is not acceptable.

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JaniieJones · 06/12/2021 15:32

'Ok my views on things change somewhat with your latest update . I can see why if he was doing basically solo parenting and housework during lockdown, why perhaps he felt he deserved a number of child free breaks. Although it does still seem an excessive amount and duration.'

Yes I think the moral to the story is you both pull your weight, you're both entitled to free time but there's no need to make stuff up.

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Landof · 06/12/2021 14:28

Just read all of your updates.

I think you deserve this free time but I don't think you should lie to your DH. If he wants to pretend to his family that you're working then that's up to him, but I think you should say what you've said here. You're exhausted from the whole pandemic and could really do with some time to refresh, dh gets to see family, the kids can see their cousins and you can relax. I'd let them leave early on boxing day but ask them to be back on NYE.

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GrumpySausage · 06/12/2021 13:59

@WouldIBeATwat

No bother covering school hols.

DH is a cyclist and has done 3 major cycle trips (1000 miles each, taking 2 weeks each time, plus all the training (2 hrs per day for around 2 months before hand)) in the last 2 years and has another planned for March. I’ve facilitated all of that, missing out on my own workouts to give him that time.

God do it.
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JuicySatsuma85 · 06/12/2021 13:58

@JaniieJones

'I’ve spent the last 104 weeks with my DC.'

Well done. That is however fairly normal when you're a parent Grin.

I don't get it tbh. Lie, stay at home whatever just stop trying to justify it with your cycling moans.

This!

You don’t have to make DH out to some kind of heartless monster just to take some holidays. Just take the bloody holidays coz you want to take them.
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