Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

Moral dilemma about xmas
339

WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:19

I’ve had a hell of a time of it over the past 2 years (NHS worker blah blah blah), DC struggling with lockdowns, trying to look after parents and DH and everything else. Over the summer I realised something had to change and applied for a job (out of NHS) and got it.

I started that job last week, having no time off between ending the last job. It’s a completely new sector and I’m absolutely shattered.

Leave year runs Jan -Dec and because I’ve started in Dec I only have 2.5 days of leave. I assumed these would need to be used for the Xmas bank holidays and I would need to work between Xmas and new year. All fine.

My husband said he would take DC to visit his family (5 hours away) that week. I said I wouldn’t come as I would need to work, his family is huge and rowdy and I know I would not be able to work with them around.

I don’t really want to go there anyway, which brings me to the point.

I’ve found out that I don’t need to use my leave to cover the bank holidays. So I have 2 days leave to use during the 3 working days between Xmas and new year. I have been offered the third unpaid if I want the week off. Or I can work if I prefer and carry the extra 2 days into next year (which then would match my entitlement from the NHS).

So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working) given I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years. He has taken breaks and trips on his own over that time leaving me with DC, including 2 weeks in the summer. I have not had any breaks on my own.

I may still work between Xmas and new year and carry the leave. 🤔

YABU - you shouldn’t take this much needed but sneaky break to recharge your batteries
YANBU - do it.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/12/2021 23:27

I assume that those saying that they couldnt lie about it are married to men that would have a strop and expect the OP to visit people like her in laws? Basically she shouldnt have to lie to him, but whose fault is it that she feels she needs to?

Thats why I suggested telling him when it is too late for her to go, she isnt lying just delaying the truth!

Please
or
to access all these features

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/12/2021 23:28

That should be "that wouldnt have a strop"

Please
or
to access all these features

JeffThePilot · 05/12/2021 23:29

If you take the leave at a later time you’ll probably only end up using it to facilitate your husbands fun time. So take it now. And really have a long think about whether it’s actually ok for him to use all his holidays abdicating from his family responsibilities.

Please
or
to access all these features

ZenNudist · 05/12/2021 23:30

If I couldn't be honest with my dh about this I'd be reconsidering my relationship. It sounds unsupportive and there's no trust or honesty. If you were my partner and you did this I'd be incredibly hurt. And I don't really think it's that hard to give some time over to each others family but as you really don't want to do that your dh should accept you don't want to come. As long as you don't expect him to support you either.

Please
or
to access all these features

oviraptor21 · 05/12/2021 23:30

Given the circumstances, I think it's actually quite helpful to tell him.
Kind of kills two birds with one stone
a) yes it's OK for you to go off on your cycling jollies but I deserve some time to myself too
b) I've already told you I'm not prepared to accept your family any more. I won't be going with you.
Gets you out of this tiptoeing around him mode you seem to have got into it.

Please
or
to access all these features

oviraptor21 · 05/12/2021 23:31

*got into.

Please
or
to access all these features

Redshoeblueshoe · 05/12/2021 23:31

Married At First Sight Australia. It's junk TV at its absolute finest. If you watch it follow the thread - but at the same pace !

Please
or
to access all these features

WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 23:31

@JeffThePilot

If you take the leave at a later time you’ll probably only end up using it to facilitate your husbands fun time. So take it now. And really have a long think about whether it’s actually ok for him to use all his holidays abdicating from his family responsibilities.

He’s self employed. So works when he wants to (earns a lot). He’s behaving as though a week away with the DC will put him in the running for “man of the year” at the moment. Hmm
OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

YouGotThisKeepGoing · 05/12/2021 23:33

I think you definitely need the break. In an ideal world I’d say be honest with your DH about it. But it sounds like what you’re dealing with in terms of hai family is far from ideal so understand why you want to steer clear of that one.

So two things. Would it be too much of a stretch to say that with your new role you’re allowed to be at home at Christmas but have to be “on call” or
“on standby” in case someone else can’t come in/there’s an emergency or similar. Like there is a skeleton staff in the workplace and you’re the backup. So you have to be available and not drunk etc but available to go in at an hour’s notice the days you are off.

Also though, this year, you need to get a fortnight to swan off somewhere whilst he looks after the kids. And day to day, he needs to look after the kids to facilitate your workouts too, in equal measure. The larger .pattern there needs to be addressed and openly. The family stuff can be dealt with largely by sidestepping but this needs to be rectified as it’s just unsustainable.

Please
or
to access all these features

Redshoeblueshoe · 05/12/2021 23:33

Well tell him to book a fortnight away with the DC's in the summer - and you can have another break Xmas Grin

Please
or
to access all these features

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 05/12/2021 23:37

Take the break but YABU if you lie about it to your husband.

Please
or
to access all these features

NoSquirrels · 05/12/2021 23:39

If he finds out, seriously - what on earth are you doing to say to justify all your lies? Lying about it has got disaster written all over it.

Personally I’d be saying what the OP has said on this thread - that she’s exhausted, that he’s had absolutely shit loads more time off than she has, that she knew he’d sulk if she didn’t come but she couldn’t face it and perhaps this would force a conversation she’s currently too wood-for-the-trees to deal with.

Please
or
to access all these features

SinoohXaenaHide · 05/12/2021 23:40

I would take one day off solo while DH & DC are away - the middle day of their absence. Carry the rest over into the new year. Don't hide your decision from your DH though. That would signal that your relationship is doomed.

Please
or
to access all these features

1300cakes · 05/12/2021 23:42

Do it OP.

As for pp saying how will you lie when he rings, that really depends on what the DH is like and what your phone habits are like. I know if it was my DH, he wouldn't ring, if he happened to text (not guaranteed) he wouldn't ask about work, and if he did happen to ask simply saying "it was fine" would more than satisfy.

Please
or
to access all these features

Whitefire · 05/12/2021 23:46

So a possible half day so you can truthfully say you will have Wednesday morning off, then on Wednesday just say that you don't have to work after all.

Please
or
to access all these features

tortoiselover100 · 05/12/2021 23:47

TAke the break. You deserve it.

Please
or
to access all these features

Starseeking · 05/12/2021 23:47

You sound in desperate need of that break, I would definitely take it if I were you.

I had a similar EXDP to your DH, so I can imagine the guilt trip your DH would try and lay on you if you dared suggest you aren't going to see his family.

I'd wait until DH rang in the evening to say they'd arrived safely, then say you've found out from work that you don't need to work the days in between Christmas and NY. You can't follow them up as it's too far for you to go on your own/no transport/on reflection prefer to stay home.

The key thing to do in conversation with your DH is not say when you found out. If he pushes the point, just say "they made an announcement/sent an email at work because everyone's been working so hard", and quickly change the subject.

That way, you'll be able to have your much needed time off to yourself, and you'll have told your DH as well. As bad as my EXDP was, I couldn't have outright lied to him about something like this.

Please
or
to access all these features

frazzledasarock · 05/12/2021 23:48

Do it.

Don’t tell him and don’t feel in the least bit guilty.

As is said so often on here apparently menz need to spend time away with their children to bond with them.
Let them bond away. And have calm relaxing quiet week.

I wouldn’t give it a thought if not telling him meant no guilt trip or being forced to go see people who mistreated me.

Please
or
to access all these features

Newgate · 05/12/2021 23:55

You know your family circumstances better than anyone and how your husband would react. So based on this I would say take the break, don’t tell him. And have a fab and well rested Christmas

Please
or
to access all these features

Teenagehorrorbag · 05/12/2021 23:55

Definitely take some time, but I don't think you should lie if it can be avoided. Can you work the first day after Christmas and then - after he's left - say they just told you you could have some additional time off so you are going to take two unplanned days and are really looking forward to some R&R?

But if you have to lie then do. If he thinks he gets brownie points for having his children for a week then let him earn his points....Grin. From what you've said he won't even know, and if he does you have a genuine reason for the subterfuge.

PPs are saying it will affect your relationship forever. I think that depends on the relationship. It's not that big a deal - and your motives are only to keep the peace and have some rest. My DH wouldn't question it and wouldn't be that bothered if he found out later. But others might. You know the dynamics of your relationship and if you think it wouldn't be a major deal, then I would say definitely go for it!

But even if you don't and you still go to work - you will have a week of no DH, no DCs (....Sad) , no cooking, cleaning, running around after them all - it will be wonderful! Enjoy, whatever you decide...Xmas Smile!

Please
or
to access all these features

SofiaMichelle · 05/12/2021 23:58

@WouldIBeATwat
...I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years.

You've had no holidays in almost 2 years?!

That's shocking!

I wouldn't lie to him. I'd tell him I was doing it and I'd make the most of it.

Please
or
to access all these features

RobertaFirmino · 06/12/2021 00:13

The way I see it is this: When you told DH you had to work, you did so in good faith. You had not lied.

I would keep this new knowledge to yourself. It sounds like you desperately need this break and quite frankly, it's probably the only way you are going to get one. Use this time to take stock of your life.

OK, some would see this as lying by omission and say this is not something that should happen in a healthy marriage. I'm really sorry but your marriage does not sound like a healthy one.

Say bollocks to the holier-than-thous. You must take care of yourself and if this is the only way you can do so then so be it.

Please
or
to access all these features

hopeso · 06/12/2021 00:14

Take the break. Don't tell your husband until it's too late for you to travel there. It's not about the 'lying', it's about self-preservation. Your hubby has no issues about putting himself first, you are not harming anyone by having some well deserved time off to rest and recharge. You can say, as someone else has mentioned, that you went to work and got it wrong.

Please
or
to access all these features

ChubbyMorticia · 06/12/2021 00:14

I'd tell him and take the time off. If he throws a tantrum, that's his problem to deal with. You've been clear about not wanting to visit his parents due to their and his behaviour, you're exhausted, you're staying home.

I hate lying. And I wouldn't allow the potential fit throwing from him to turn me into something I hate.

Please
or
to access all these features

DontBeCatty · 06/12/2021 00:15

I really hate lies but id be ok manipulating things so I didn’t have to go on the trip. As PPs have suggested maybe work from home or just book one or two days off.

Good luck!

Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.