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Moral dilemma about xmas
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WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:19

I’ve had a hell of a time of it over the past 2 years (NHS worker blah blah blah), DC struggling with lockdowns, trying to look after parents and DH and everything else. Over the summer I realised something had to change and applied for a job (out of NHS) and got it.

I started that job last week, having no time off between ending the last job. It’s a completely new sector and I’m absolutely shattered.

Leave year runs Jan -Dec and because I’ve started in Dec I only have 2.5 days of leave. I assumed these would need to be used for the Xmas bank holidays and I would need to work between Xmas and new year. All fine.

My husband said he would take DC to visit his family (5 hours away) that week. I said I wouldn’t come as I would need to work, his family is huge and rowdy and I know I would not be able to work with them around.

I don’t really want to go there anyway, which brings me to the point.

I’ve found out that I don’t need to use my leave to cover the bank holidays. So I have 2 days leave to use during the 3 working days between Xmas and new year. I have been offered the third unpaid if I want the week off. Or I can work if I prefer and carry the extra 2 days into next year (which then would match my entitlement from the NHS).

So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working) given I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years. He has taken breaks and trips on his own over that time leaving me with DC, including 2 weeks in the summer. I have not had any breaks on my own.

I may still work between Xmas and new year and carry the leave. 🤔

YABU - you shouldn’t take this much needed but sneaky break to recharge your batteries
YANBU - do it.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

BookShark · 05/12/2021 22:35

But he told you about the cycling and you agreed to it, so that's not the same thing. I don't think you're at all unreasonable to want to take some time for yourself (I take the odd day here and there) but you're entirely unreasonable to lie about it.

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Mrsmch123 · 05/12/2021 22:36

I think it's unfair that you are not going to tell him and take the days off. By all means take the days off but tell him. I would be upset if my husband done this to me. If you don't want to go traipsing across the country don't buy don't lie to your husband about it.

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LadyCatStark · 05/12/2021 22:36

Oh you definitely deserve a few days to yourself for putting up with a cyclist DH! Just make sure you can’t get found out, eg if you have a ring doorbell. If you don’t want to/ can’t pretend you’re working it, wait til they’ve gone and say you’re ill.

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Chillyjellytotty · 05/12/2021 22:36

I would take the time off, after he has left tell him a white lie about how work have let you have the time off/to many staff/they can’t open for some reason/the person calculating holiday got it wrong.


I understand the family drama so know why you would want to avoid it.

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NoSquirrels · 05/12/2021 22:36

@WouldIBeATwat

MAM revelation?

Sorry- typo!

MAMIL - Middle-Aged Man In Lycra Grin
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slippersockgrey · 05/12/2021 22:36

@WouldIBeATwat

MAM revelation?

Middle aged man.

Or more aptly MAMIL - middle aged man in Lycra!
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GreenClock · 05/12/2021 22:37

He sounds like the husband in Motherland. Completely self-absorbed. I think you need an honest conversation.

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CSJobseeker · 05/12/2021 22:38

The thing is, if you lie, it's not just one lie, is it? It's several days of continuous lying.

When he calls or texts you on the evening of those days, are you going to pretend to be knackered from a days work? What will you say when he asks how your day was?

I couldn't do it. If he ever finds out, it will be the deceit as a whole that will really fuck things up.

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NoSquirrels · 05/12/2021 22:40

MAMILs are (in my opinion) known for being quite self-centred and happy to leave dull parenting to their spouses, and a week-long solo parenting stint in the bosom of their family is an excellent antidote to their spouse’s growing resentment.

Wait till he’s gone then tell him judiciously at the appropriate moment (when it would be a waste of time to head up there). Enjoy the time off.

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CrimbleCrumble1 · 05/12/2021 22:41

I’d take the days off and chill at home, I wouldn’t tell him, if he thinks you have to work there’s no reason to think you aren’t working. Men take time for themselves all the time and you may not get this opportunity again.

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gah2teenagers · 05/12/2021 22:42

Omg. No enjoy your time off. You can’t function on empty and he has had his jollies away.

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ouchmyfeet · 05/12/2021 22:43

I would definitely take the break

If you not going will cause drama then don't tell him, just enjoy the peace. Happy New Year OP!

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CSJobseeker · 05/12/2021 22:44

IMO the key issue here is not whether you should take the time off for some rest (you definitely should), but why he would object to you doing so.

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WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:44

@CSJobseeker

The thing is, if you lie, it's not just one lie, is it? It's several days of continuous lying.

When he calls or texts you on the evening of those days, are you going to pretend to be knackered from a days work? What will you say when he asks how your day was?

I couldn't do it. If he ever finds out, it will be the deceit as a whole that will really fuck things up.

He won’t call and unlikely to text much. He goes full “little boy” when with his family.
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ShortDaze · 05/12/2021 22:45

Will they be very short work days with little to do. Maybe wfh? If so, I’d work, save the leave, but have a good rest as well. I wouldn’t lie to my DH, but it’s your marriage and your decision.

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Drunkpanda · 05/12/2021 22:45

6 weeks of solo holidays for him? Do you get anything even close to that? Do the dc get time with him on holidays? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.
He can spend those days being close to his own children and in the bosom of his extended family.

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TokyoSushi · 05/12/2021 22:46

I wouldn't lie. Can you just take the 2 days but not say about the offer of the unpaid day to make it a week. If you just take the 2 days off, you wouldn't be able to go on the trip anyway I assume? Not lying, and you still get a mini break?

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CrimbleCrumble1 · 05/12/2021 22:46

I’d lie and I wouldn’t feel bad.

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Lasair · 05/12/2021 22:48

I was in the be honest camp until I read he wouldn’t be supportive. Take the time you need to recharge we all need breaks, partners should be supportive of that, if he’s not then you may have bigger issues?

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WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:48

@Mrsmch123

I think it's unfair that you are not going to tell him and take the days off. By all means take the days off but tell him. I would be upset if my husband done this to me. If you don't want to go traipsing across the country don't buy don't lie to your husband about it.

He genuinely doesn’t understand why I no longer want to make any effort to see his family. (We went every 6 weeks when DC was a baby/toddler, being made to stay in hotels, them standing us up, “forgetting” her birthday and Xmas whilst showering their local grandchildren with gifts.).

DH and I almost split up over it and I said I would never make any effort for them again and it was for him to maintain DC’s relationship with them.

Even so, he would be upset that I had the chance to go there and chose not to. He just doesn’t get that I can’t sit and watch them treat our DC that way. Sad
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StoneofDestiny · 05/12/2021 22:50

Can't believe your husband could be so narrow minded not to understand you need a break - away from everything. His family don't need to see you. You need to have a break.

You shouldn't have to be secretive about it.
But if you think you have to be - do it.

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mistermagpie · 05/12/2021 22:51

I'd do it but I wouldn't lie. I thought that straight away but after the cycling holiday revelations I think it even more so!

If he isn't supportive then, 'oh dear', you're realising that with the commitments of your new job you aren't going to be able to support his cycling stuff anymore. Oh well...

I mean, none of this is the behaviour of people in a good and healthy relationship, obviously, but the fact that you are considering lying about the leave in the first place already tells me more than enough about the state of things anyway.

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StoneofDestiny · 05/12/2021 22:52

Just read your update OP after posting.

In that case, I'd tell him what you are doing and take the break. He needs to prioritise your health needs over his thoughtless family.

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Allsorts1 · 05/12/2021 22:53

I would work and carry over the days - it sounds like you can WFH? Being alone and WFH for a couple of days in a pretty quiet time of year (depending on where you work of course) would be pretty much the same level of break as taking the days would be. You’d still get the rest and not need to lie. And then you’ll have more days next year to use for a proper holiday.

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MrsFezziwig · 05/12/2021 22:54

OP I’m voting YABVVU because you have admitted that your DH is a cyclist. Don’t you know that on Mumsnet you are only allowed to refer to this activity as his “hobby” in case it is “outing”. Smile

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