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Moral dilemma about xmas
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WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:19

I’ve had a hell of a time of it over the past 2 years (NHS worker blah blah blah), DC struggling with lockdowns, trying to look after parents and DH and everything else. Over the summer I realised something had to change and applied for a job (out of NHS) and got it.

I started that job last week, having no time off between ending the last job. It’s a completely new sector and I’m absolutely shattered.

Leave year runs Jan -Dec and because I’ve started in Dec I only have 2.5 days of leave. I assumed these would need to be used for the Xmas bank holidays and I would need to work between Xmas and new year. All fine.

My husband said he would take DC to visit his family (5 hours away) that week. I said I wouldn’t come as I would need to work, his family is huge and rowdy and I know I would not be able to work with them around.

I don’t really want to go there anyway, which brings me to the point.

I’ve found out that I don’t need to use my leave to cover the bank holidays. So I have 2 days leave to use during the 3 working days between Xmas and new year. I have been offered the third unpaid if I want the week off. Or I can work if I prefer and carry the extra 2 days into next year (which then would match my entitlement from the NHS).

So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working) given I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years. He has taken breaks and trips on his own over that time leaving me with DC, including 2 weeks in the summer. I have not had any breaks on my own.

I may still work between Xmas and new year and carry the leave. 🤔

YABU - you shouldn’t take this much needed but sneaky break to recharge your batteries
YANBU - do it.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

babouchette · 05/12/2021 22:54

I'd do it in a heartbeat and wouldn't feel the slightest bit guilty about it. Of course in an ideal world you'd be honest and he'd be supportive, but you already know that's not going to happen. It's only a couple of days.

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SpiderinaWingMirror · 05/12/2021 22:56

I would do this without a second thought. When my now grown up daughters were small but school age I would take secret flex days. I would tell no one I was having the day off. Would dress for work, take them to breakfast club then go home and go back to bed. If anyone had the slightest hint that I wasn't at work, there would always be something else to do. Or a child would get ill.
Take the hols. Tell no one.

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GorgonzolaSouffle · 05/12/2021 22:56

Stay quiet and take the break

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timeisnotaline · 05/12/2021 22:58

I’d probably work the Xmas days then take 2-3 days proper leave as soon as he’s back and go away on my own to recharge. If he has issues with that then the relationship shit would hit the fan and I’d probably take his bike to a friends and hide it and tell him support for his activities would resume when support became two way again.

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HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 05/12/2021 22:59

Absolutely take the days and absolutely don’t tell your DH.

I’d have absolutely no problem taking some time out for myself in your circumstances and the fact that you feel you’re better off not telling your DH is his problem not yours.

You’re not doing anything wrong by not telling him. You don’t need his permission to have a few days to yourself.

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Cattipuss · 05/12/2021 22:59

Work a day in the middle and have the others off? Then you are being honest when you say gosh how incontinent I have to work right in the middle so it makes it unworkable to join you. And then you aren't using a day over your leave entitlement, aren't lying to him but get time to yourself.

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Shannonz · 05/12/2021 22:59

Take the break
Don’t tell your husband
Enjoy every second of it Smile

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Cattipuss · 05/12/2021 22:59

Omg inconvenient lol

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Atla · 05/12/2021 23:00

I would take the break without a second thought. Sounds like you absolutely need s break.

What kind of role did you go into? I'd love to escape the NHS!

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Cavagirl · 05/12/2021 23:00

@CSJobseeker

The thing is, if you lie, it's not just one lie, is it? It's several days of continuous lying.

When he calls or texts you on the evening of those days, are you going to pretend to be knackered from a days work? What will you say when he asks how your day was?

I couldn't do it. If he ever finds out, it will be the deceit as a whole that will really fuck things up.

This

If he finds out, seriously - what on earth are you doing to say to justify all your lies? Lying about it has got disaster written all over it.
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headspin10 · 05/12/2021 23:00

Don't even think about this anymore! You more than deserve the break, if by telling him it'll hurt him, then don't, just enjoy it.

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greenlynx · 05/12/2021 23:01

How good is he at keeping secrets?
My concern is that he might tell children or won’t be able to keep it off his relatives. I don’t mean that he will tell them straight away but he might tell something while drunk or accidentally and DC would be upset (my DD would).
For this reason I would take a break but wouldn’t tell him. I would just spend time at home on my own and then mention to him that you’ve got a chance to work from home while they’re away.

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Ourlady · 05/12/2021 23:02

I would tell him and I would tell him why I wouldn't be going to visit his family. They sound bloody awful, why should you keep your mouth shut just because he cannot accept and admit their faults. I would also mention that you deserve a break as he has had loads of breaks and you have had none. You need to recharge your batteries and this is your chance to do it.

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Livelovebehappy · 05/12/2021 23:03

Can’t be a good relationship if you feel the need to lie to him. Marriage is based on trust and honesty.

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Burnamer · 05/12/2021 23:04

I would take the break, tell DH and let him be upset. It’s ok for that to happen. It’s ok for him to know that you don’t want to see his family and are sticking to the decision you made on an important issue.
I couldn’t lie to my DH but I also wouldn’t be in a marriage where I felt I had to.

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MrsMiddleMother · 05/12/2021 23:14

Have a break and don't tell husband the truth.

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windmill26 · 05/12/2021 23:16

Take the break and don't say anything. I wouldn't advocate to lie to your husband but sometimes there are "battles that are not worth the fight".You have already said that he would expect you to go with them in spite of knowing how much you need this break .

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BeetyAxe · 05/12/2021 23:16

I would take the days off and say absolutely nothing to your husband. Stay in bed, eat junk, watch telly without any in law guilt issues or giving a shit about anyone else . Just do it.

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PyongyangKipperbang · 05/12/2021 23:18

This is not a moral dilemma. Its a no brainer.

Ok so yes you probably should be honest with him but given that he is a sulker and likely to kick off, I wouldnt. At best I would tell him after he has arrived that you were sent home on your first day as it turned out you werent scheduled to work after all... Somene cocked up the rota.......oh who knew....shame I only found out when it was too late....blah blah.

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PyongyangKipperbang · 05/12/2021 23:20

Although....part of me would want to say "You still owe me a week for that trip in the summer so I am booking X week off and going to....insert destination/friends home here..... so you can take them to your mothers then too if you like :) "

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Redshoeblueshoe · 05/12/2021 23:20

In fact I'm going to send you a crate of wine and a mountain of cheese. You can binge watch MAFSA then catch up with the thread on here about it. Have a total break Wine

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WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 23:23

MAFSA?

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Hoesbeforebroes · 05/12/2021 23:24

You 100% deserve the break but I couldn't lie about it in your shoes.

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worriedmum20000 · 05/12/2021 23:25

I'd work and enjoy a peaceful week at home but then carry over this bonus holiday into the NY and book a long weekend and actually go away somewhere.

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me4real · 05/12/2021 23:26

Totally go for it OP and have a lovely relaxing time. xx

But if you need a break and are able to take it in future, tell him that you're going to do it. He shouldn't be able to go swanning off and leave you having to do everything, without it ideally sometimes cutting both ways.

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