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Moral dilemma about xmas
339

WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:19

I’ve had a hell of a time of it over the past 2 years (NHS worker blah blah blah), DC struggling with lockdowns, trying to look after parents and DH and everything else. Over the summer I realised something had to change and applied for a job (out of NHS) and got it.

I started that job last week, having no time off between ending the last job. It’s a completely new sector and I’m absolutely shattered.

Leave year runs Jan -Dec and because I’ve started in Dec I only have 2.5 days of leave. I assumed these would need to be used for the Xmas bank holidays and I would need to work between Xmas and new year. All fine.

My husband said he would take DC to visit his family (5 hours away) that week. I said I wouldn’t come as I would need to work, his family is huge and rowdy and I know I would not be able to work with them around.

I don’t really want to go there anyway, which brings me to the point.

I’ve found out that I don’t need to use my leave to cover the bank holidays. So I have 2 days leave to use during the 3 working days between Xmas and new year. I have been offered the third unpaid if I want the week off. Or I can work if I prefer and carry the extra 2 days into next year (which then would match my entitlement from the NHS).

So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working) given I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years. He has taken breaks and trips on his own over that time leaving me with DC, including 2 weeks in the summer. I have not had any breaks on my own.

I may still work between Xmas and new year and carry the leave. 🤔

YABU - you shouldn’t take this much needed but sneaky break to recharge your batteries
YANBU - do it.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

readingismycardio · 06/12/2021 05:14

Definitely do it, but don't lie to him...

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JuJuPanda · 06/12/2021 05:17

I'd take the break but I'd tell my DH the truth. Why are you married to him OP? Do you like him?

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GAHgamel · 06/12/2021 05:52

Have a chat with your colleagues about what it's usually like in your office between Christmas and New Year. If it's generally not that busy, because the vast majority of staff/clients/customers are off on holiday, then I'd work then and carry the leave forward. With a lot less scope for interruptions you'll probably get a lot more done than you would otherwise. Then use those carried forward days to take some time off as soon as the kids have gone back to school, so you can have some guaranteed time to yourself.

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ProperVexed · 06/12/2021 06:07

Don't tell him. But on the "working days" say that you were allowed to come home early as it was quiet.

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Sorchamarie · 06/12/2021 06:12

This is a no brainer for sure. Definitely do it!

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GoodnightGrandma · 06/12/2021 06:22

Do it. I wouldn’t want to visit my DH’s family either !
I haven’t seen any of them since a funeral 5 years ago, and that’s the way I like it.

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couchparsnip · 06/12/2021 06:26

You absolutely deserve to take days off over Christmas. You have earned them. If your DH won't let you rest then don't tell him your plans. Will he ask anyway?
It's not lying if he doesn't ask what you plan to do while he's away.

Most of the people saying not to lie probably have nicer ILs and more reasonable partners.

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MomOfBoyz2 · 06/12/2021 06:29

I would totally take the break!
And not say a word until the day and then I'd make out that the Rota was messed up and I've not got to work.. oops!
Enjoy some time to yourself you deserve it!

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violetbunny · 06/12/2021 06:29

Won't he find out you were off though, given it's going to be unpaid? Or are your finances not joined?

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Wotsitsits · 06/12/2021 06:31

Taking 3 days secretly to yourself isn't going to change the pattern of him taking the piss and you being burnt out OP.

He has abdicated responsibility and you're letting him

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madisonbridges · 06/12/2021 06:31

How would you feel if he said, I'm working away for a week so could you have the kids? And you agreed. Then he rang when he got there and said, actually I never had any work here. I've a booked a week's holiday and I'm going cycling.
If you'd shrug and say, good for you, then you might have a case for lying. If you'd be cross, then you should tell him the truth.

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FallonCarringtonWannabe · 06/12/2021 06:36

DH is a cyclist
That’s all I need to know. Take the break. And make sure you take more in future.

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HighlandCowbag · 06/12/2021 06:37

I would compromise and work the 3rd day. That way its not worth going to inlaws but you get the 2 days off. Just don't tell him it's an option for having it unpaid.

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PlumManor · 06/12/2021 06:39

I wouldn’t say a word or have a conscience over it.

I don’t tell my family when I book sneaky days off as you can absolutely guarantee they will find something to fill that day for me to do or somewhere to go.

I stay quiet and enjoy the peace.

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OhamIreally · 06/12/2021 06:40

If you tell him he might decide not to go, or to come back early. And, oh, since you're at home anyway you won't mind if I go out cycling will you? Thanks love.

Take the break. Reframe it in your mind that you have decided you need a break.

I understand what PP are saying about lying but just view it to yourself that you have agency in this.

If he finds out simply say you realised you were exhausted and decided to take a break.

Word of warning you may get ill when you finally stop - always happens to me.

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speakout · 06/12/2021 06:45

Don;t go.Be honest.
He needs to knw you need a break.
Let him get shirty if he wants to.

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HeartsAndClubs · 06/12/2021 06:46

Can you imagine the thread here if someone posted that they’d gone away with the kids leaving DH behind because he had to work and that they subsequently found out he’d taken the time off without telling them? Posters would be saying he’s probably seeing someone else and to get ducks in a row etc.

There are clearly bigger issues at play here, but none of these are going to be resolved by continuing to perpetuate dishonesty and lack of communication.

You need to have a frank discussion with your DH about the inequality within your relationship and how that needs to be resolved. If that isn’t possible then I would be reconsidering the whole relationship.

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NumberTheory · 06/12/2021 06:48

I voted YANBU on the basis of the first post but was going to encourage you to tell him. Subsequent posts make me think you should still take the time but that telling him wasn't a priority. Thinking about the state of your relationship should be. You may be in denial about how bad the state of your marriage is. You don't actually say you're happily married so maybe your eyes are wide open and you're just biding your time. But you sound like you are constantly putting your needs behind your DHs because he makes it so much work for you to fight for equal standing and you sound like you are, if not resentful, at least well aware of the disparity.

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WeDidntMeanToGoToSea · 06/12/2021 06:50

@oviraptor21

Given the circumstances, I think it's actually quite helpful to tell him.
Kind of kills two birds with one stone
a) yes it's OK for you to go off on your cycling jollies but I deserve some time to myself too
b) I've already told you I'm not prepared to accept your family any more. I won't be going with you.
Gets you out of this tiptoeing around him mode you seem to have got into it.

Agree with this.
If you tell them after they've gone, there'll be constant calls trying to get you to follow them and/or the mother of all sulks when they're back home.
The alternative is maintaining the lie and also prolonging the situation in your home where he gets to set the agenda.

Tell him now so he has a chance to get used to it (i.e. can't pretend it was sprung on him). Make it clear it's non-negotiable, if he ever wants you to facilitate one of his cycling jaunts again.
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Beachgirl33 · 06/12/2021 06:56

Hello OP. I totally get it having been working flat out in public sector for whole of pandemic. You need a break. I was going to say tell your husband the truth and get him to say you’re working to his family to save the grief. However, doesn’t sound like he would do that and would expect you to go and suck it up. Don’t. Take the time off. But nice food. Laze about. Relax. Read a book. Watch crappy telly. Do whatever helps you recharge. And most of all - enjoy xFlowers

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gingerbiscuits · 06/12/2021 06:56

Having read all your updates, he sounds like a complete twat! I'd 100% take a few days for yourself!! You're not short-changing your children in any way & you clearly deserve the break. I'm normally a 'truth is best' advocate but your husband continually buggering off, for large chunks of time, to indulge his hobby, for weeks at a time, while you look after the children & hold down a full time, stressful job...well, he can get stuffed!! And as for him thinking he deserves some sort of parenting award for actually just parenting for a few days...words fail me.

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Frankzappa22 · 06/12/2021 07:01

Just seen about the multiple cycling holidays. Definitely take the break!! Ideally not lying to your DH though. I just think it might end up stressing you out. How about waiting to tell him after he’s already told his family you’re working, then he doesn’t have to lie to them as they will assume you’re still working

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crystaltips98 · 06/12/2021 07:03

Could you see the inlaws for a couple of days and get the train home by yourself?

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Beautiful3 · 06/12/2021 07:05

Yes do it. Tell him a few days into it, while he's there that they've allowed your leave as its so quiet! That way you're not lying and it's too late to go.

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rookiemere · 06/12/2021 07:11

Is there another option where you stay at home and work as planned - will still be 1000x more relaxing without childcare or many household chores ? But only if you take the time off for yourself at another time, which I sense you won't.

Where is your righteous rage in all of this? why let your H disappear for weeks on end for solo holidays when you both chose to have a family? When he acts like he is father of the year for one solo week of parenting- and let's face it his DM will pick up the slack with you not being there - why don't you say, do another 5 weeks and we're even ?

Book something for yourself in 2022, no matter what happens over this Christmas break. Your H takes you for granted and you've allowed it to happen. I couldn't love or respect a man who put that much of a burden on me.

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