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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Biological Dad

140 replies

MyBioDad · 03/12/2021 21:44

This might be long so I apologise in advance, I’ve also NC as potentially outing.

I am 26 and I’ve not long had my first baby. My Mum and bio Dad split up when I was 1 years old and I haven’t seen him since I was 3. That was his choice, my Mum asked him to start paying for me and he refused. It was around that point he met his current wife and slowly he stopped turning up to see me. I don’t have any memories of him at all but I do remember sitting at the window waiting for him to come and pick me up and him not coming. I know my Mum sent him a solicitors letter asking him to resume contact as I’ve seen a copy but nothing came of it.

When I was 5 my Mum met my stepdad who I refer to as my Dad (my own choice) and he has raised me as his own. Just before I went to high school I changed my surname by deed poll as it upset me to be called after my bio Dad. When I was 13 he wrote me a very short letter asking to meet me, my Mum went to meet up with him to see what his intentions were and I decided I didn’t want to see him and I haven’t heard from him since.

After he refused to give my Mum money and stopped seeing me she chose not to claim CSA as she didn’t want anything to do with him, however when I was 15 I told her to claim it as he should have been. He then quit his job because of this and had to pay the minimum amount out of his benefits which was around £5 a week. My Mum saved this in a separate bank account and gave it to me when I went to uni and it was a total of about £800. That’s all he’s ever paid for me.

He has two sons who are younger than me (I believe 19 and 21) who have never contacted me but follow me on social media as I use Instagram to promote my business and have quite a big following on there.

Last night I received a message from my biological dads Wife’s Facebook (he doesn’t have one) saying he would like to meet me and be part of his grandchild’s life. She said he loves me and has hated not being part of my life and would like to start here. Apparently he talks about me all the time. I am absolutely furious. First of all, that’s not his Grandchild he doesn’t even know me! Second of all, how dare me! We are from a very small town which I moved out of when I went to uni but all those years he only lived ten minutes away from me and never made any contact.

I have no idea what to do. Part of me wants to reply saying piss off. WIBU to just ignore the message? Do I owe him a meeting? I went through an angsty teenage period where I was mad about him but I’m over it now and this has reignited old feelings. Having my own child now I have no idea how you can abandon your own. I know there are two sides to every story and he probably has a different one to tell me but frankly, I don’t think I care what he has to say.

OP posts:
FortniteBoysMum · 03/12/2021 22:39

You owe him nothing. However as a child who had nothing to do with my bio dad since 6 months old I know I have no siblings as looked online. Maybe meeting them will help you see things clearly. Siblings was the big thing in why I looked into my bio dad's life. It is not their fault your dad was an arse. Reality is mind his side may be very different. Think long and hard about it you don't need to decide today.

Pinkchocolate · 03/12/2021 22:41

You don’t owe him anything, your feelings are perfectly justified. Ignore, he doesn’t deserve your time or stress so do whatever YOU want.

zoemum2006 · 03/12/2021 22:51

This is 100% my life history and I would just ignore him. He’s nothing to you; you have a dad.

tillytown · 03/12/2021 23:55

You have a public instagram that is clearly easy to find as your brothers found it, if he actually wanted to contact you he would have made an account and messaged you himself. Ignore the loser, he has nothing to add to your life except lies and sob stories.

tillytown · 03/12/2021 23:57

Infact, block his wife too. She knew you existed and did nothing to help form some sort of relationship between your siblings and you.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 04/12/2021 00:10

@MyBioDad I can relate my bio dad is an utter scum bag who behaved appallingly when my mother divorced him and he still blames everything on her, never paid a penny for me or my siblings and has never taken responsibility for his spiteful behaviour. I point blank refuse to have contact with him and I never will.

If you're 100% sure you don't want to resume contact then either ignore the message or reply bluntly "fuck off I'm not interested" it worked for me when a relative tried to pressure me into resuming contact they never dared bring my bio dad up in conversation with me again.

This may sound harsh OP but to be honest that's really cheeky of his wife to contact you and ask, if you're bio dad really wants to have a relationship with you then why didn't he contact you himself? Especially as he lives 10 minutes away! Sounds to me like he's sent a flying monkey in to do his dirty work and he just wants to show off and play grandad of the year because he was an absent father. Don't waste your time on a selfish twat who couldn't even be bothered to contact you himself and enjoy your family 😊

DeadoftheMoon · 04/12/2021 04:55

I cried because I put my brew down and couldn't find it

I can so identify with this, and my baby is nigh on forty. Grin

Disfordarkchocolate · 04/12/2021 05:49

You don't owe him anything. He on the other hand owes you a lifetime of love and support but that not something you can pay back.

I'd be hard pushed to think of a reason he deserved contact with my child.

Myshitisreal · 04/12/2021 06:20

I don't know the answers. You seem to have a lot of very understandable pent up anger. You could write him a letter (not to send, as a way of trying to dump out some feelings). Maybe revisit it in a few days time and see if you feel the same way.

I had a "father" who was present (I guess?) but he was an incredibly bad person and has left me with a range of unresolved trauma (now dead). I don't know what it's like to have a normal family or a father figure, so I don't think I'm best placed to comment on what you should do - apart from be true to yourself, be kind to yourself and don't be in any rush to reply. ♥

Lochroy · 04/12/2021 06:30

I don't have direct experience and reading everyone else's replies it seems I'm wide of the mark, but FWIW, I would:

  1. Do absolutely nothing until your baby is 4/5 months old at least and you've adjusted to being a mum
  2. Be clear he can't be part of your DC's life just like that. For that to work you would have to have some sort of peace and you understandably don't
  3. If you want to, meet him without the DC for you to understand how he could make the decisions he did. I think only then you can gauge if any sort of relationship can be built or not.
Original poster
MyBioDad · 04/12/2021 12:40

I’ve had another message this morning

Hi, not sure if you got my last message? Being a parent yourself now I’m sure you can understand that you love your child and how your Dad feels about you. He would love to be part of his grandchild’s life and be a part of yours. It breaks his heart that he doesn’t know you. My children have always known you as their sister and would love to meet you in person.

What the fuck I am incandescent with rage?! I went through a rough time in my teens where I felt a lot of hatred towards him but had counselling via CAMHS and put those feelings to bed. I have a Dad and I have siblings who are great I don’t need more. Why am I getting the feeling like they think they have a sense of entitlement to knowing me and my DC?Confused

OP posts:
DeadoftheMoon · 04/12/2021 12:45

She's certainly trying to push him/them into you and your family's lives. It would make me a) suspicious of their motives and b) determined not to go along with it. Send back 'No.' and block.

ToughTittyWhompus · 04/12/2021 12:46

@MyBioDad

“Piss off, you cheeky bitch. How dare you contact me, when I have just given birth and attempt to manipulate me this way.”

Would be my response. Fucking appealing behaviour from her.

Original poster
MyBioDad · 04/12/2021 12:53

I didn’t really want to block because then she’d know I’ve seen the messages but I think I’m going to have to aren’t I! I do wonder how he has spun the story for her to be so brazen, but I don’t think anything makes it okay. She surely must have enabled him quitting his job so he didn’t have to pay CSA.

She’s right though that I do understand as a parent and what I do know is that I would never leave my child. I daren’t tell my Mum she’s messaged me again.

OP posts:
JaffaBiscuits · 04/12/2021 12:53

I was in a very similar situation and I decided to accept my bio dad's request to meet, and I honestly wished I hadn't.

You owe him nothing. Ignore.

FreeBritnee · 04/12/2021 12:56

Fucking hell there is no way I would allow him to act the doting grandfather when he was a completely appalling father. I think you definitely could meet him and he COMPLETELY honest about how you feel. Even if he shuts you down I think it might actually be helpful to say it or write it down.

ILoveHuskies · 04/12/2021 12:57

@tillytown

Infact, block his wife too. She knew you existed and did nothing to help form some sort of relationship between your siblings and you.
Trouble is, She'd be damned if she did and damned if she didn't though

As many people might think if she tried to get involved with trying to facilitate a relationship between the op and her half siblings it would be not her place

Gretaburley · 04/12/2021 13:05

I would send a redacted version of your first pot to her.
The waiting for him to visit and the lack of financial and emotional support.
Then I would block them a.
How does your stepdad feel?

Gretaburley · 04/12/2021 13:06

post- jolly autocorrect.

Frankii · 04/12/2021 13:07

"I am blocking you. Never, ever contact me again."

Then do it.

Don't tell her anything. Don't try to vent or explain. She is not your friend or ally. You don't owe her or him anything.

Don't give them any further headspace.

Theunamedcat · 04/12/2021 13:15

Mmm

Maybe reply, having had my own child I cannot comprehend abandoning your child refusing to pay for your child and simply put I see no reason to put MY child through even a fraction of what I went through

Or

I struggle to see what the benefit of contact would be

Or

Don't mistake my response for weakness the answer is the same as you gave me as a child..no

iloverock · 04/12/2021 13:18

I have a very similar story except my dad died when I was 17 and I often wish I'd had the chance to ask him why.

However with age I know he probably wouldn't have given me any satisfactory answers. Just excuses.

I think curiosity would get the better of me and I'd meet him.

But not if you are struggling with baby blues etc. give it a few months until you are in a better place

Theunamedcat · 04/12/2021 13:21

My daughter felt the same when her bio dads wife contacted her my daughter replied asking a few questions stepmum blasted me blaming me for everything my daughter said no because my daughter has seen the csa letters saying how little he has paid (less than £200) so stepmum claiming they gave over thousands is obviously bullshit they also knew where she lived for the first nine years of her life so the lie that they couldn't send presents in the post was because they didn't know where we lived was also bullshit infact there has only been 18 months where they didn't know because as soon as I did a change of name deed I requested permission and my new address was right there on the letter still no contact from him he simply wasn't interested and never has been

Lasair · 04/12/2021 13:22

I’d message back saying. I hope all is well but no thank you. He’s had x amount of tears living 10mins away-why now?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 04/12/2021 13:23

@tillytown

You have a public instagram that is clearly easy to find as your brothers found it, if he actually wanted to contact you he would have made an account and messaged you himself. Ignore the loser, he has nothing to add to your life except lies and sob stories.
I was going to say this!