Page 5 | My Biological Dad

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 04/12/2021 18:07

You dont owe it to him to be in touch. You don't owe it to your mum not to be. I think though I would want to hear him out before I made my final decision. Knowing that if he is full of crap I would leave.

mbosnz · 04/12/2021 18:07

If biological father is a crap Dad, then why does he think that 1. he has any right to claim granddad privileges, and 2. why does he think you'd risk him being as crappy a grandfather, as he was father? He's in lala land.

MorkandMandy · 04/12/2021 18:16

I hate to sound so cynical OP but this business page your half-siblings follow, is there a chance that side of the family have gotten wind of you having a little bit of money?

GoGoGretaDoll · 04/12/2021 18:22

Sounds like she's got baby-fever to be honest. Some women are absolutely desperate to become grandparents and this has perhaps triggered something in her. I think it's enormously telling that the messages have come from her, rather than your bio-dad. Cheeky fucker.

The same thing happened to me when I had DS, he was maybe 6 months old or something like that so I wasn't immediately post partum. I thought about it for a couple of days and then just didn't ever get back to him (this was all by phone/messages being passed on, pre social media). I didn't want him to treat my precious DS the way he'd treated me. I also had quite a bit of 'you have not been in my life for any of the tough stuff, why the fuck should you get this?'

Anyway, he died earlier this year. And I was fine. I bit upset about the life I didn't have maybe, and a bit 'oh this all feels a bit odd' but I certainly had no regrets about the decision I'd made.

Original poster

MyBioDad · 04/12/2021 18:33

@MorkandMandy

I hate to sound so cynical OP but this business page your half-siblings follow, is there a chance that side of the family have gotten wind of you having a little bit of money?

It’s interesting a few of you have said this because I’ve just come off the phone to my Grandma who is adamant this is what it is. She things he wants access and bragging rights to that and my DC.

We’re not rich or anything but are newly comfortable, I’ve just been incredibly lucky that social media has been good for my business and I’ve gained a decent following, lockdown helped with it. Not influencer level but it is quite large. His DC did start following me on there when my follower amount shot up but I just thought it was because they were a bit older. DP is also in a uniformed job, not as well paid as he should be but people do go a bit “ooooh” when I tell them what he does. There’s pics of him in uniform on my FB page.

Oh god, I do hope it’s not that. That makes me feel even worse

OP posts:

CPL593H · 04/12/2021 18:37

My word of caution is to say don't give him the chance to treat your baby in the way he treated you. Who knows if this is being driven by him or his wife, but without evidence of major change (and he hasn't even contacted you) why believe he would be any different?

I am sorry, not a nice thing to come out of the blue at this time.

Suzanne999 · 04/12/2021 18:46

You don’t owe him anything. He had plenty of opportunities to be in your life when you were a child.
You’ve made a life for yourself, have a family and sounds like you have a successful career. Go forward and enjoy all of these things you’ve worked for.

MorganKitten · 04/12/2021 18:46

More than happy to talk to you about my experience of this which is almost identical.

DiscoGlitterBall · 04/12/2021 18:51

There’s a thousand reasons to meet him (without your child) and a thousand reasons not to.

You said something above which actually has no bearing on your mum at all and that’s that you lived close to him, never moved schools and he never contacted you as an adult until you had a child. Whatever the relationship between him and your mum, he was close enough to make contact at anytime without his wife getting involved.

He hasn’t, she has.

I think having a child does put things in perspective… and in this instance I couldn’t even consider meeting him because to be honest it doesn’t sound like it’s about you and him but about his wife and your child.

prettypinkflamingo · 04/12/2021 18:53

My biological dad is very similar to yours. I let him back in my life a few years ago for the sake of my child having a grandad but wish I hadn't bothered. He has never apologised for his past behaviour, is completely self absorbed, disappears for months at a time and then reappears again. I get nothing from our 'relationship' and have realised that I've actually done pretty well without him all these years! If I could go back in time I would tell him to push off!

escapingthecity · 04/12/2021 18:54

Are you curious about him at all? It would be totally understandable if you were. I would be tempted to meet him once, on neutral ground, without your DC.

But if he wants to see you, he should reach out to you himself, not through his wife, and he needs to start with an apology.

Hawkins001 · 04/12/2021 18:54

@MyBioDad

This might be long so I apologise in advance, I’ve also NC as potentially outing.

I am 26 and I’ve not long had my first baby. My Mum and bio Dad split up when I was 1 years old and I haven’t seen him since I was 3. That was his choice, my Mum asked him to start paying for me and he refused. It was around that point he met his current wife and slowly he stopped turning up to see me. I don’t have any memories of him at all but I do remember sitting at the window waiting for him to come and pick me up and him not coming. I know my Mum sent him a solicitors letter asking him to resume contact as I’ve seen a copy but nothing came of it.

When I was 5 my Mum met my stepdad who I refer to as my Dad (my own choice) and he has raised me as his own. Just before I went to high school I changed my surname by deed poll as it upset me to be called after my bio Dad. When I was 13 he wrote me a very short letter asking to meet me, my Mum went to meet up with him to see what his intentions were and I decided I didn’t want to see him and I haven’t heard from him since.

After he refused to give my Mum money and stopped seeing me she chose not to claim CSA as she didn’t want anything to do with him, however when I was 15 I told her to claim it as he should have been. He then quit his job because of this and had to pay the minimum amount out of his benefits which was around £5 a week. My Mum saved this in a separate bank account and gave it to me when I went to uni and it was a total of about £800. That’s all he’s ever paid for me.

He has two sons who are younger than me (I believe 19 and 21) who have never contacted me but follow me on social media as I use Instagram to promote my business and have quite a big following on there.

Last night I received a message from my biological dads Wife’s Facebook (he doesn’t have one) saying he would like to meet me and be part of his grandchild’s life. She said he loves me and has hated not being part of my life and would like to start here. Apparently he talks about me all the time. I am absolutely furious. First of all, that’s not his Grandchild he doesn’t even know me! Second of all, how dare me! We are from a very small town which I moved out of when I went to uni but all those years he only lived ten minutes away from me and never made any contact.

I have no idea what to do. Part of me wants to reply saying piss off. WIBU to just ignore the message? Do I owe him a meeting? I went through an angsty teenage period where I was mad about him but I’m over it now and this has reignited old feelings. Having my own child now I have no idea how you can abandon your own. I know there are two sides to every story and he probably has a different one to tell me but frankly, I don’t think I care what he has to say.

Based in this case, it could be a ploy to access your business accounts.

I must admit my bio dad was in the wind either when or before I was born, if he wanted contact, I admit I'll be interested, as it may help to explain some of my skill sets, my quirks, and sometimes the general day to day theories I have now and then.

user1471538283 · 04/12/2021 18:55

You owe him nothing. You could meet him, let him back and he will probably let you down. I think he just wants to demonstrate to himself he tried or he is a good guy. Also it's easy for him now, adult child, lovely snuggles with a baby.

I really do not believe anyone who abandons their child is capable of change.

beachblob · 04/12/2021 19:04

This has come at the worst time, I just want to be in my precious new born bubble where that’s all that’s important. I couldn’t sleep last night and I feel sick thinking about it, how utterly selfish of him.

You wrote this in one of your earlier posts. Your feelings should come first and I think step away from the situation and re-evaluate when (if) you feel ready at a later date.

You could reply saying this is not a good time for me. I will be in touch if this is something I want to pursue. Why should he decide when you have a relationship.

Wildrobin · 04/12/2021 19:15

There’s a lot of speculation here from people who really are only guessing . Eg His wife may have made contact thinking it made it easier for you to check how you feel before any shock of direct contact.
I totally understand your hurt , and if it were me I would only meet him with very low (or negative) expectations, to avoid further feeling of being let down.
You sound a credit to your parents and it’s so good you have a loving family despite bio dad’s long absence

AnneElliott · 04/12/2021 19:22

I bet he's told her a pack of lies! Like the other thread on here where the dad hasn't seen his kids for 25 years - and I always think hmmm why is that?

Make no decisions now but I agree you don't owe him anything and he isn't your dad. Why didn't he contact yuu as an adult I wonder? Why wait until you have a child of your own?

deeedeee · 04/12/2021 19:27

You’ve got some good advice for both courses of action and plenty of food for thought.

My ha’penneth is to keep your options open. You are in a Pretty intense period of your life just now, you have enough to be doing/feeling with new motherhood. Don’t feel pressured into making a decision and especially don’t do anything that you don’t have the emotional capacity for.

If the sentiment behind the message is genuine and positive, it’ll wait. And if after some thought you decide that it’d be good to be able to ask those questions, confront those demons, lay to rest those feelings the child you were had about this man by seeing him as an adult, then you have kept that option open.

Just write back with a kind and polite message drawing your boundaries, saying thank you for message but that now is not the right time, you are very busy practically and emotionally just now with new motherhood. And that You’re sure that he’ll understand and be able to wait until you’re ready to contact him. And ask that he wait until you contact him, if and when that happens.

Good luck x

1Dandelion1 · 04/12/2021 19:27

I had a grandfather that basically got in contact when he found out he was a great grandfather, needless to say the children were protected from his attention although my sister did offer to meet up and build a relationship. Unfortunately he passed away before they had the opportunity to progress their relationship.

Do you want a relationship with your siblings? If you do play nice and explain no contact for them but you are happy to have contact from your siblings.

If you don't, suggested that her wonderful husband proves be is a real man who has remorse for his actions and suggest he pay your mother £3880 outstanding child support (based on £5 per week for 18 years, less the £800 he paid) and only after this is settled, and a letter of apology is provided to your mother, will to consider a relationship with him, but that he will not meet your DD until you have built a relationship based on trust. Sadly I suspect you won't see them for dust!

littledrummergirl · 04/12/2021 19:40

This could have been me a few years ago. It was my half siblings that contacted me though. We still haven't been able to meet, life etc.

With regards to my father, the message that I sent back was that if he wanted to be part of my life he would be welcome but he needed to remember that I have a dad who I love dearly and who is a fabulous grandparent. A man who has put in the hard graft, taught me life skills and values. If he wanted to be part of our lives it would be on the fringes, as a friend and he would have to make the effort.
I've had no contact from him since although I'm in touch with half siblings. Lay out your boundaries.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 04/12/2021 19:40

Been in a similar position where my Dad walked out before I was born and I didn't meet him for 17yrs. Although I am pleased I can put a face to the term 'Dad' it never worked out. He didn't treat me as his daughter (he has another daughter who is his 'proper' daughter) and he stopped speaking to me regularly. We now haven't spoken for over ten years. It hurt a lot more but I am getting over it (any day now!).

I would reply and explain that as a parent you have no idea how he could walk out on you and never see you or pay for you and you want no further contact.

Parental rejection is hard in my opinion but if you are in a good place (and it sounds like you are) let it lie.

NotKnowingArseFromElbow · 04/12/2021 20:00

Sorry I go against the grain a bit here. Entirely up to you of course, but I'd arrange one meeting and ask why he never met you or paid child support and make my decision from there.

There are always three sides to a story. Your mum's side, your bio Dad's side and the truth. Now I am not saying that your mum hasn't been honest. But you only know what she told you. So you only have one side of the story.

If it was me, I'd meet him and then make a decision.

But if you're this angry, perhaps you just want to let sleeping dogs lie.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

TowandaForever · 04/12/2021 20:26

@1Dandelion1

I had a grandfather that basically got in contact when he found out he was a great grandfather, needless to say the children were protected from his attention although my sister did offer to meet up and build a relationship. Unfortunately he passed away before they had the opportunity to progress their relationship.

Do you want a relationship with your siblings? If you do play nice and explain no contact for them but you are happy to have contact from your siblings.

If you don't, suggested that her wonderful husband proves be is a real man who has remorse for his actions and suggest he pay your mother £3880 outstanding child support (based on £5 per week for 18 years, less the £800 he paid) and only after this is settled, and a letter of apology is provided to your mother, will to consider a relationship with him, but that he will not meet your DD until you have built a relationship based on trust. Sadly I suspect you won't see them for dust!

Why £5 a week? That's so low.

MorkandMandy · 04/12/2021 20:31

Urgh. Quite apart from anything else she’s acting so pushy/ entitled that I cannot for a second believe this would be a rewarding relationship.

blubberyboo · 04/12/2021 20:36

I think you should make a brief reply only to show that you are entirely in control of the situation now and neither him nor her are going to pressurise you into anything. Now is not a good time to let yourself become embroiled in emotional back and forth conversations so something brief along the lines of

I’ve just had a baby so this is the worst time for you to contact me out of the blue.
My earliest memory of him is me waiting by a window for him to turn up and he didn’t. since then I have considered step dad to be my only dad and he is the grandfather to my child.
He never made attempt to contact me during my formative years nor to financially support me so I don’t feel that there is any benefit to me to resume any contact right now when I’m busy raising my own child. Im afraid I have nothing to offer either of you right now.

Calgoose · 04/12/2021 20:46

Hi Op
Not similar to me, but an almost identical story to my DH (who interestingly also has a uniformed job which makes people go “ooh” ). He hadn’t heard from his “real” dad for many years. A couple of times his dad had tried to make contact when he was older but DH refused.

Then last year, off his own back, he decided to message his dad back himself. They ended up chatting and meeting up. All I will say is in his situation, after meeting him for the first time, he said “I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest”. He had carried around such negative feelings about his “dad” all his life, that when he finally met and chatted to him he realised he was actually just a man and his anger kind of melted away. In his case, it definitely feels like he changed and has grown up. He is someone he is happy to have a relationship of some description with now, albeit at arms length. You have to do what is right for you, but just wanted to give a different perspective.