My Biological Dad

[MyBioDad]

This might be long so I apologise in advance, I’ve also NC as potentially outing.

I am 26 and I’ve not long had my first baby. My Mum and bio Dad split up when I was 1 years old and I haven’t seen him since I was 3. That was his choice, my Mum asked him to start paying for me and he refused. It was around that point he met his current wife and slowly he stopped turning up to see me. I don’t have any memories of him at all but I do remember sitting at the window waiting for him to come and pick me up and him not coming. I know my Mum sent him a solicitors letter asking him to resume contact as I’ve seen a copy but nothing came of it.

When I was 5 my Mum met my stepdad who I refer to as my Dad (my own choice) and he has raised me as his own. Just before I went to high school I changed my surname by deed poll as it upset me to be called after my bio Dad. When I was 13 he wrote me a very short letter asking to meet me, my Mum went to meet up with him to see what his intentions were and I decided I didn’t want to see him and I haven’t heard from him since.

After he refused to give my Mum money and stopped seeing me she chose not to claim CSA as she didn’t want anything to do with him, however when I was 15 I told her to claim it as he should have been. He then quit his job because of this and had to pay the minimum amount out of his benefits which was around £5 a week. My Mum saved this in a separate bank account and gave it to me when I went to uni and it was a total of about £800. That’s all he’s ever paid for me.

He has two sons who are younger than me (I believe 19 and 21) who have never contacted me but follow me on social media as I use Instagram to promote my business and have quite a big following on there.

Last night I received a message from my biological dads Wife’s Facebook (he doesn’t have one) saying he would like to meet me and be part of his grandchild’s life. She said he loves me and has hated not being part of my life and would like to start here. Apparently he talks about me all the time. I am absolutely furious. First of all, that’s not his Grandchild he doesn’t even know me! Second of all, how dare me! We are from a very small town which I moved out of when I went to uni but all those years he only lived ten minutes away from me and never made any contact.

I have no idea what to do. Part of me wants to reply saying piss off. WIBU to just ignore the message? Do I owe him a meeting? I went through an angsty teenage period where I was mad about him but I’m over it now and this has reignited old feelings. Having my own child now I have no idea how you can abandon your own. I know there are two sides to every story and he probably has a different one to tell me but frankly, I don’t think I care what he has to say.

Why, she’s got a nerve!

I think I would reply, just to shut the whole thing down as she sounds really bloody persistent. I love @Theunamedcat’s first response. I might be inclined to add that you already have a dad and your child already has a grandfather, and you can see no benefit in bringing a complete stranger into your lives. Then block her.

Wow, not why.

I'm sorry Op, he's preying on your vulnerability and using his wife to do so. I can't tell you what to do; nobody can. I can tell you I found myself in a similar situation (bio "Dad" left when I was a week old and mum died - had a lovely new family set up for him without a screaming week old). Luckily my DH helped out with a response via his winged monkeys. "Dear X, thank you for getting in touch. I'm not sure what he has told you but I have a very different recollection to his in respect of his opportunities to be involved in my childhood. We will have to agree to differ. I don't have any desire for contact and my child is not a second opportunity to get parenting right this time around. Please pass on my regards and ask him not to contact me again. I have moved on." If any of this is of help, feel free to use it :) then block, live your life and love your newborn xx

I went through a very similar situation OP so can imagine exactly how you’re feeling.

You owe him nothing and just because he is your biological dad, it really doesn’t mean anything.

I would not let that person into your life when he turned his back on you during the years where you needed him emotionally and financially. It’s very easy now for him to want to be involved when your grown up and independent.

I would be raging about those messages his wife sent you. How dare she tried to use the fact that you are a parent and would know the hurt not being part of your child’s life. He made that choice! I would reply asking in that case questioning why should would marry someone who chose to abandon their child. I also feel for your mum, I know it’s about you but must be very upsetting for her too.

I would nip this in the bud now telling her how to feel and not to contact you again.

X

Wow, that second message is so manipulative. Absolute tossers using a newborn baby and the delicate emotional state of new motherhood as battering sticks. I think they've really told on themselves here and it proves he hasn't changed.

Reply back.

Tell her that your bio dad will never be a part of your child's life. Your child won't even be told his name.

Then block

If you do reply, don't use the word "Dad". He's your father, the bloke who raised you (who didn't have to) is your Dad.

It's a small difference, but it's vital IMO.

Don't ignore as you'll get the 'Don't know if you got my last message' rubbish.
A brief, 'not interested and don't contact me again' is all you need to say.
Enjoy your baby and your new life

I wouldn’t respond to her, block, and delete.
I can understand why you’re angry, but there would be so much you wanted to say if you replied, that it wouldn’t come out right, and just lead to further contact. You don’t need that.
If you wanted to send a message, I agree with a pp ….just say, not interested, not now, not ever. Then block.
Enjoy your precious child, and focus on those who have been a loving and important part of your life all these years.

It seems has rewritten history.. I have no interest in having him in our lives now please don't contact me again.
Op.
Then block.
Tbf to her she only has his version to go on.
Congratulations on your baby. That's all you need to be thinking about right now.

Arrange to meet him and don't turn up. Well don't, but that is what he did which is unbelievably cruel. I'd reply saying "who is this" then block. You owe them nothing.

I would definitely say take your time over this.
In fact I would say tell him you need 6 months to think this through. Or even a year. After ignoring you for 20+ Or whatever it was, that is not much to ask.

It was C Perel the famous counsellor who said you have to demonstrate love, not just say it (imv she means it's too easy to say it)

I would also say that life once you have a new baby plus, in your case a business to run, you have no time for days out with your DParent. And I would also say you might not be too happy how he is around your PFB. He was crap with you. And I would also say that a 19 year old a 21 are not really going to be that bothered.
Does he or his wife suffer from empty nest syndrome?

Are you even sure this is coming from him? It’s not the new wife living out a fantasy of bringing you all together and taking the credit? I ask because I have had a similar experience and when I eventually agreed to meet it suddenly went quiet and it transpired it was a deluded girlfriend thinking she could ‘fix’ everything.

My dad abandoned my mum and me not long after I was born. He cut off contact shortly afterwards and never paid a penny of support. I met him for the first time after almost 40 years and we are now incredibly close. I can't agree with what he did - he was under immense family and cultural pressures - but I have some understanding. I'm so pleased he's in my life now.

I am a great believer in trusting my gut feelings .If you dont want to go thats fine .I think many people meet up with their DF hoping they will have a magic transformation .He has obv heard about your new baby and fancies his chances at being a DGD. Seems to have amnesia about not providing for you and disappearing with new wife!

I would apply the same logic to this as the advice that new parents don't make any major relationship decisions in the first year of baby's life. Your hormones will be everywhere (and I agree it's telling that contact has come when you're vulnerable) and I would want this to be a very clear-headed decision.

So I would reply 'I would like some time to think about this. I will contact you when/if I'm ready and would appreciate it if you didn't send any further messages in the meantime' and leave it at that, it leaves the door open should you want it but allows you to set the pace.

Whether she/they respect your request for no more messages will also help you decide whether they're people you want in your life I suspect, any form of boundary pushing and you know they're acting with selfish motives and will probably offer nothing positive to your life.

Prrsonally8 would be seeing him, but you have to decide.

I would also respond as she is trying to emotionally blackmail you as follows

As a parent I do understand that I love my child, and can’t imagine not seeing him/her everyday. In the case of my biological father , who only lived 10 minutes away, he chose not to see me for xx years, so you can imagine my surprise that he suddenly wants to see me now, when he has had years to do so. Likewise your two children have had the opportunity all their lives to meet me and neither you or my biological father have tried to arrange anything

I have a father, who I love very much indeed, I don’t need another one, especially someone who broke my heart as a child by not paying anything for me, or wanting to see me, and therefore have no wish to be involved with you or your family and ask you to cease do contacting me as you have all had opportunity to do this since you first met and have not bothered.

I could have written your post.

I was younger than you when he got in contact and wasn’t confident enough to realise it was a mistake to say yes. I’ve had many years of stress having him in and out of my life and his wife trying to destroy my life.

I would just ignore him the way he ignored you tbh.

No one can tell you what to do here but I think you are right to be skeptical. I always think of this in terms of my own df and my dh. Both would move heaven and earth to see their dc and there is nothing that could have stopped them. Your mum may or may not have made things difficult, given what you do know it seems unlikely, but even if she did there was nothing to stop him seeking legal advice, nothing to stop him contacting you when you grew up, and nothing to stop him paying maintenance to ensure that you didn’t go without. The fact that he did none of these tells me that he didn’t actually care that much.

I know a man who had a child apparently turn up out of the woodwork. He told he never knew that she existed and if he had he would have wanted to be a father to her. He spent lots of time with her, far more than he ever did with the dc he actually raised, and bought extravagant gifts for her and her dc. It was all bullshit. He had known, in fact it was common knowledge, but at the time he didn’t want the burden of a child. The gifts were to assuage his conscience and the girl saw through him soon enough and will now have nothing to do with him. He is apparently devastated. Yet still does the bare minimum for his own grown dc from his marriage.

I have no idea about his motives and only you can decide whether or not to see him, but I think that the self-serving line about mothers keeping their dc away from loving fathers is an easy excuse.

Well, you don't have to contact him now. There's no urgency to it. He has dealt his hand of cards. You can choose whether to play or not play. The move is up to you.

Wow. Talk about emotional blackmail. I'll take back my earlier post. If he was that bothered he could get in touch with YOU himself. It should be about you first and foremost.

I would say:

I did receive it. My priority is my daughter and ensuring she is surrounded by trusted adults who value her and treat her appropriately. My personal memories of your husband are among the most painful I have. I would never expose any child to a person capable of behaving that way, regardless of biological link. My daughter has a loving family. I was lucky enough to have a father and she enjoys having a grandfather. That person is not your husband and I'm thankful for that. Please leave my daughter and I to enjoy our family life together. Further contact will be interpreted as harassment.

That second message is fucking outrageous
If he was that bothered he could have found a way to Be in your life or have their children be your siblings I've no idea what their angle is but wow

@MyBioDad

I’ve had another message this morning

Hi, not sure if you got my last message? Being a parent yourself now I’m sure you can understand that you love your child and how your Dad feels about you. He would love to be part of his grandchild’s life and be a part of yours. It breaks his heart that he doesn’t know you. My children have always known you as their sister and would love to meet you in person.

What the fuck I am incandescent with rage?! I went through a rough time in my teens where I felt a lot of hatred towards him but had counselling via CAMHS and put those feelings to bed. I have a Dad and I have siblings who are great I don’t need more. Why am I getting the feeling like they think they have a sense of entitlement to knowing me and my DC?

That's emotional manipulation and your response (rage) is entirely understandable and normal.

I'd say both him and her are toxic.

If you want to meet your half siblings, I'd consider that as a totally separate thing, see them on neutral ground, be prepared to walk away without saying anything if one of their parents turns up and be cagey what you say to them because their allegiance is likely to be with their parents.

But you're under no obligation to interact with any member of this family, in any way, ever. If the half siblings wanted to be in touch that much and if they were "proper people" with some confidence and not just puppets, I think they'd contact you themselves.

What an awful situation to be in.

Agree with others who said the second message is manipulative.

I would send a reply, just so they know you received it.

My friend was in a very similar situation, she decided to meet and all he did was slag off her mum and blame everything on others. She got up and walked out and has not looked back since.

Good luck in whatever you decided to do OP.