My Biological Dad

[MyBioDad]

This might be long so I apologise in advance, I’ve also NC as potentially outing.

I am 26 and I’ve not long had my first baby. My Mum and bio Dad split up when I was 1 years old and I haven’t seen him since I was 3. That was his choice, my Mum asked him to start paying for me and he refused. It was around that point he met his current wife and slowly he stopped turning up to see me. I don’t have any memories of him at all but I do remember sitting at the window waiting for him to come and pick me up and him not coming. I know my Mum sent him a solicitors letter asking him to resume contact as I’ve seen a copy but nothing came of it.

When I was 5 my Mum met my stepdad who I refer to as my Dad (my own choice) and he has raised me as his own. Just before I went to high school I changed my surname by deed poll as it upset me to be called after my bio Dad. When I was 13 he wrote me a very short letter asking to meet me, my Mum went to meet up with him to see what his intentions were and I decided I didn’t want to see him and I haven’t heard from him since.

After he refused to give my Mum money and stopped seeing me she chose not to claim CSA as she didn’t want anything to do with him, however when I was 15 I told her to claim it as he should have been. He then quit his job because of this and had to pay the minimum amount out of his benefits which was around £5 a week. My Mum saved this in a separate bank account and gave it to me when I went to uni and it was a total of about £800. That’s all he’s ever paid for me.

He has two sons who are younger than me (I believe 19 and 21) who have never contacted me but follow me on social media as I use Instagram to promote my business and have quite a big following on there.

Last night I received a message from my biological dads Wife’s Facebook (he doesn’t have one) saying he would like to meet me and be part of his grandchild’s life. She said he loves me and has hated not being part of my life and would like to start here. Apparently he talks about me all the time. I am absolutely furious. First of all, that’s not his Grandchild he doesn’t even know me! Second of all, how dare me! We are from a very small town which I moved out of when I went to uni but all those years he only lived ten minutes away from me and never made any contact.

I have no idea what to do. Part of me wants to reply saying piss off. WIBU to just ignore the message? Do I owe him a meeting? I went through an angsty teenage period where I was mad about him but I’m over it now and this has reignited old feelings. Having my own child now I have no idea how you can abandon your own. I know there are two sides to every story and he probably has a different one to tell me but frankly, I don’t think I care what he has to say.

I expect he has told his new wife that your mum kept you away from him and he was the victim of a crazy, spiteful ex. I'd be tempted to reply with something along the lines of "he had 20 years to get to know me, but didn't want to even when he was 10 minutes walk away or when my mum wrote to him via a solicitor that she wanted him to have contact with me."

I'd probably be tempted to meet your half-siblings, but i completely understand why you would not want to.

God no. He doesn't deserve to pretend he's your dad or a grandad.
You know a parents love, you couldn't bear to abandon your child.

I think I'd just reply "he didn't want anything to do with me when I was a child. He chose not to be my dad. He doesn't get to change his mind now and decide he wants to be a grandad." And then block her and her kids.

Why is the wife doing all the communicating? I know it's her FB, but what's stopping him from sending a message himself using her page ("Hello 'MyBio' this is actually your dad, XX. I'm using YY's page to send you this message").

It's a hard one. I'm adopted and have no interest in locating my bio family so I'm trying to think what I would do if they wanted to meet me. I do have questions (as any adoptee does) but I'm not curious enough to open a can of worms by allowing strangers into my life. And that's what this man is to you, a stranger.

I think in your place I'd probably tell the wife that I prefer that she not contact me again, but that if he has anything he wants to say to me he can put it in writing/a message but that I am not ready to meet him face to face. Then I'd put it in the back of my mind. He'll either send you something or he will not.

If you decide 'no way' then a brief and to the point "Please do not contact me. I have no wish to meet you" should suffice. I wouldn't bother listing his shortcomings or failures as a father, he's going to have more excuses than Carter has pills.

Why £5 a week? That's so low.

Because the loser quit his job and went on benefits when her mum filed for child maintenance, so he only had to pay £5

With regards to my father, the message that I sent back was that if he wanted to be part of my life he would be welcome but he needed to remember that I have a dad who I love dearly and who is a fabulous grandparent. A man who has put in the hard graft, taught me life skills and values. If he wanted to be part of our lives it would be on the fringes, as a friend and he would have to make the effort.

That's a good message.

I have to say I'm with your Grandma - I wonder if he'd have got in touch (not that HE has) without your visible success. But you have more important things just now. Put your biological dad on the back burner for now. That's behaviour he should understand.

Hey OP,

In your shoes I would:

1. give myself permission to not make a decision about this for 9-12 months. You need to focus on you, and your own family right now, not this. He waited 20+ years, you Don’t have to dance to his time table. If he sincerely wants a relationship, he will want on in 12 months time too.
2. send a message similar to that in @Letmedownagain ‘s post. It is polite, but it gives no info about you. They don’t deserve to know how you feel, and frankly - you haven’t worked it out yet! They don’t deserve to know you are mad or disappoint or anything.
3. then, put it out of your mind. As @Letmedownagain says, if they respect your boundaries or ignore them, will tell you something.
4. when you are ready - go to a counselor and talk about it. You need someone with ‘no skin in the game’ who you won’t upset by talking to them about it (your Mum). Your Grandma might be right - he might be chasing your success. Or there might be another or he might be the person you think he is. But you need time to process and work it out.

Good luck.

I really emphasise, don’t rush to their timetable. You don’t even need to explain WHY you won’t rush to their timetable. @Letmedownsgain’s message is very polite, but also excellent in that there is no hint of positive or negative emotion and no info about your life. You are in control.

@Hanab

I have a question… you say that you have a large following and have a business.. do you think he may want to be in your life as he thinks you are well off..

I have not read any comments other than your original post..

So pleased someone else thinks the same as I do!

I am so sorry OP but from your original post it is very obvious money is a big thing with Mr. Bio and his wife.

Again, yet another one here whose father disappeared even before I was born, never to be seen or heard from again. However, my mother wasn’t much better! She married a vile man, had 2 other children and dumped me when I was 4 years old. I lived between various relatives - who didn’t really want me either - and finally moved out and lived by myself from 15 years old. I married a fabulous man who supported my studies and I had a very successful career. My mother then got in touch wanting us to be a family but it soon became clear she was only interested in what she could acquire from me. 😡. I took great pleasure in being the dumper this time!

I am now in my 60’s and haven’t seen any blood relatives for over 30 years. (Best 30 plus years of my life!) My advice would definitely be to give these people a very wide berth! I’m really not trying to project my own experience but as soon as you posted about promoting your business with a big following it rang enormous alarm bells. I honestly don’t think they are interested in your DC at all! They are after money!

You have a terrific mother and a great stepfather. Cherish your relationship with them and cut these scroungers out of your life once and for all.

I'd be tempted to reply to the message saying exactly what you've said here. That he refused to pay maintenance, that you remember sitting waiting for him to show up, that he lived ten minutes away and never bothered, and that's not the sort of man you want as a grandparent for your child. Then block her and move on.

I'm sorry this has happened, especially as you say when you should be able to focus on you and your newborn. (I hope all is going well on that front!) An additional thought I had is that it's a bit of a red flag perhaps that your biological dad hasn't done any of this reaching out himself. Is there a chance that it's actually his wife that wants to encourage a close relationship? It's entirely up to you how you respond. If it's emotionally easier to just block and ignore then do. If it were me I'd be inclined to send something in response making it clear that you aren't interested in meeting with him (going into as much or as little detail as to why as you want) and that if this ever were to change you'll reach out to them. I think otherwise they might continue to try and reach out.

DHs father, while he was around for his early childhood wasn't ever really a father to him and all DHs memories of him are of him doing nasty things (tearing up his football poster). We are contacted once every few years asking to be part of DCs life, blaming us for standing in the way of him being a grandfather. I have no intention of ever letting him met DC. I expect he only wants to as not seeing your GC looks bad to others. Surely he should want to build up the relationship with YOU - his actual child

I'd also support your Mum on this. She I'd the one who stayed, who did the nights and tears, discipline, dinners and all the hugs.

@Theunamedcat

Mmm

Maybe reply, having had my own child I cannot comprehend abandoning your child refusing to pay for your child and simply put I see no reason to put MY child through even a fraction of what I went through

Or

I struggle to see what the benefit of contact would be

Or

Don't mistake my response for weakness the answer is the same as you gave me as a child..no

This. I remember crying on Christmas day that my dad hadn't picked us up. That was 35 years ago and I can still feel it.

He's not been there in any sense for most of your life, why should you having had a baby give him an "in" now?

If you do respond, I wouldn't tell them anything about how you're feeling. If they're toxic this would be giving them a wounded area to poke you in.

Hope you’re ok op. He sounds a total waste of space.

None of her business. If he wants to meet you he needs to contact you and state his position. Tell her that.