My Biological Dad

[MyBioDad]

This might be long so I apologise in advance, I’ve also NC as potentially outing.

I am 26 and I’ve not long had my first baby. My Mum and bio Dad split up when I was 1 years old and I haven’t seen him since I was 3. That was his choice, my Mum asked him to start paying for me and he refused. It was around that point he met his current wife and slowly he stopped turning up to see me. I don’t have any memories of him at all but I do remember sitting at the window waiting for him to come and pick me up and him not coming. I know my Mum sent him a solicitors letter asking him to resume contact as I’ve seen a copy but nothing came of it.

When I was 5 my Mum met my stepdad who I refer to as my Dad (my own choice) and he has raised me as his own. Just before I went to high school I changed my surname by deed poll as it upset me to be called after my bio Dad. When I was 13 he wrote me a very short letter asking to meet me, my Mum went to meet up with him to see what his intentions were and I decided I didn’t want to see him and I haven’t heard from him since.

After he refused to give my Mum money and stopped seeing me she chose not to claim CSA as she didn’t want anything to do with him, however when I was 15 I told her to claim it as he should have been. He then quit his job because of this and had to pay the minimum amount out of his benefits which was around £5 a week. My Mum saved this in a separate bank account and gave it to me when I went to uni and it was a total of about £800. That’s all he’s ever paid for me.

He has two sons who are younger than me (I believe 19 and 21) who have never contacted me but follow me on social media as I use Instagram to promote my business and have quite a big following on there.

Last night I received a message from my biological dads Wife’s Facebook (he doesn’t have one) saying he would like to meet me and be part of his grandchild’s life. She said he loves me and has hated not being part of my life and would like to start here. Apparently he talks about me all the time. I am absolutely furious. First of all, that’s not his Grandchild he doesn’t even know me! Second of all, how dare me! We are from a very small town which I moved out of when I went to uni but all those years he only lived ten minutes away from me and never made any contact.

I have no idea what to do. Part of me wants to reply saying piss off. WIBU to just ignore the message? Do I owe him a meeting? I went through an angsty teenage period where I was mad about him but I’m over it now and this has reignited old feelings. Having my own child now I have no idea how you can abandon your own. I know there are two sides to every story and he probably has a different one to tell me but frankly, I don’t think I care what he has to say.

I just want to say that I had years of anger from a very bad relationship with my father who was abusive snd abandoned me.

I saw a therapist who was a miracle worker and who explained to me that actually I would probably feel better in general if I had some sort of distant relationship with him, rather than having cut him off altogether. I found that extremely helpful and was able to let go of a huge amount of anger by texting him every so often and seeing him once a year. Sometimes it’s better if you can create a narrative that you control, and it can be cathartic. Something to think about.

You don't even need to reply to her, blocking someone is a response and it tells them all they need to know.

I was angry on your behalf after the first message (if he really cared a) he'd have got in touch himself rather than via his flying monkey and b) he still doesn't seem to even want a relationship with you, but with your child - wtf?!) But after the more recent message you received I'm fuming - how dare she try to use your new baby to manipulate you?

You owe him nothing. Handle this however would be best for you - I'm not going to suggest I have any real advice to offer there - others may have better insights that you find useful. But you absolutely do not owe him - or her - anything, and do not let them manipulate or pressure you into thinking otherwise.

I'd just block them, even if only temporarily to stop being pestered while you process your feelings.

I had a similar upbringing (although without any contribution for me or my sister while he brought up another womans kids) but met my biological father in my 20's - I recall stepping back when he, as a stranger to us, approached for a big bear hug like we were going to now play happy families. We chose not to keep in touch with him and it was no loss to us because he'd simply never been part of our lives, not even a birthday or Christmas card growing up, until then by his own choice.

If you are successful and have a number of followers online I wonder if that's part of the attraction. Would he/they be as interested if you were a single mum struggling by on UC?

His name isn't Steven is it? Because word for word that is stepmummys second message to my dd and we are aware he has another daughter older than mine somewhere in the Birmingham area

Honestly I think you deserve to set the record straight

It's quite telling the way that being a part of his grandchild's life is the first thing she mentions, and being a part of yours is almost an afterthought. They could have contacted you at any time if he was really that bothered, but they have waited until you are vulnerable, emotionally all over the place and the gatekeeper of a newborn to do so.

It demonstrates an utter selfishness and self-absorption that is unlikely to lead to anything good for you. If you were to meet him, is there anything he could say or do that would actually make it worth this level of upheaval?

My estranged father specialises in this kind of shit - emailing me at times when he knows my focus should be elsewhere - and all it does is prove that he doesn't have my best interests at heart, only his own. It sounds like your dad may be cut from the same cloth and I can honestly say that there is nothing to be gained from allowing him access to your family.

Thanks all. We are going to my parents for dinner tomorrow and I will discuss with them then. My Mum will understandably be upset. I’m pretty sure I don’t want a relationship with him. I’ve allowed his kids to follow me on social media and not blocked them because it’s not their fault their Dad is a dick and I’m sure that they are curious. I’ve always said that if they reached out i’d nicely say thanks but no thanks.

His wife’s Facebook is completely public so I’ve had a nosey and it looks like their two sons still live at home and don’t have kids. I’d wonder if he’d still be bothered if this wasn’t his first ‘Grandchild’. If I was to meet him it would only be to get answers but I don’t think he would give me any because nothing is going to be good enough. As far as I’m aware my Mum never made it hard for him to see me, although I wouldn’t be surprised if he said that. My Mum has never said a bad word about him and IMO gave him far too many chances. If that was my DC I’d have stopped trying to instigate contact far sooner. Children need stability and getting them ready for their Dad to pick them up and him not coming isn’t stable.

I thought about him a lot in my pregnancy and not in a “I wish I knew him way” but more of a wtf kind of way. That’s the first time he’d even crossed my mind in years and I wasn’t expecting these messages. I think I will block after seeing my Mum tomorrow, I’m concerned that more messages will come if I don’t.

@Theunamedcat

His name isn't Steven is it? Because word for word that is stepmummys second message to my dd and we are aware he has another daughter older than mine somewhere in the Birmingham area

Not Steven know. But disgusting to know that this script is very common

I would ignore messages from his wife. Any request for contact should come from him.

I'd be more interested in meeting "step Mum" and telling the truth even if she chooses not to believe it.

Obviously none of us know what went on but having seen the other side of the coin it is possible that maybe he does have a story to tell.
Quite frankly I know some women that are vile towards the fathers of their children and cause so much mental distress over them seeing their kids that eventually the man cracks. They tell lies after lies to to their children.

You know your mother best

Either way if you see him or not you need to be prepared for a lot of angst and wounding

You don't owe him anything. It's completely your decision.

But personally, if he had contacted me himself and apologised etc, I would consider it. Through someone else and no apology? Not a chance.

@blubberyboo

Obviously none of us know what went on but having seen the other side of the coin it is possible that maybe he does have a story to tell. Quite frankly I know some women that are vile towards the fathers of their children and cause so much mental distress over them seeing their kids that eventually the man cracks. They tell lies after lies to to their children.

You know your mother best

Either way if you see him or not you need to be prepared for a lot of angst and wounding

Whilst I know that there are two sides to every story I really doubt this.

I’ve also always thought that if it did come out that something happened (highly unlikely) then he didn’t try very hard. He didn’t take her to court, he didn’t try and contact me when I became an adult. He didn’t pay for me and then quit his job when my Mum eventually put a CSA claim in. We know this for a fact because he worked for a huge factory and we know someone who also worked there.

From the sounds of the messages he just wants to see my DC! I am astounded by the audacity of them both. He is a literal stranger, why would I allow this man access to my child!!

She has sent me a friend request now

Personally I would reply. And tell her that as the only memory you have is repeatedly being sat by a window waiting for him as a child, and him letting you down again and again, you have no interest in letting him see you or your child. And then I’d block her

I have a question… you say that you have a large following and have a business.. do you think he may want to be in your life as he thinks you are well off..

I have not read any comments other than your original post..

I would write to her, telling her what you've told us. If you don't say anything she will keep on believing the story he has apparently been telling her. To be honest it sounds like she is a nice person who is trying to mend the situation based on what he has said - in your position I'd tell her the truth, and say you don't want to see him since he's never bothered to see you over all these years. That's what I'd do anyway.

Sending a hand hold - you're going through a tough time op.

Well she isn't a friend.. You need to block her in all ways.

I'm am in the same position as you OP.

Bio dad is a feckless idiot. Never paid a penny to my mum, left her with all of his debts and would actually walk past our garden while me and DSis were playing and totally ignore us.

I allowed him back into our lives a number of years ago when my DC were small. I felt sorry for him and he seemed genuinely sorry for how he had behaved. It took less than 6 months for him to let down my children in the same way he let me down. And there is no way that is happening again.

I allow him, his latest wife and their children to follow me on social media (his new wife is actually really lovely) but I will not see him in person again. He will never change and I am not letting him have the same affect on the DC as he had on me and DSis.

Ultimately it is your decision but think ahead about the potential affect if he reverts to form.

He's obviously spun a fantasy line to his wife about what a good dad he tried to be.

I'd reply to her giving the true version of his failed fatherhood saga (as in your MN post) , just to set the record straight, and say you want no further contact from either of them.

100% he wants to play grandad. Don’t give him the pleasure.

@starrynight21

I would write to her, telling her what you've told us. If you don't say anything she will keep on believing the story he has apparently been telling her. To be honest it sounds like she is a nice person who is trying to mend the situation based on what he has said - in your position I'd tell her the truth, and say you don't want to see him since he's never bothered to see you over all these years. That's what I'd do anyway.

Sending a hand hold - you're going through a tough time op.

A nice person doesn't contact someone who has just given birth to drop a major bombshell into their life and then emotionally blackmail them when they don't immediately respond. It sounds like the OP's dad has found a kindred spirit to me.

@MyBioDad

She has sent me a friend request now

That’s just weird.

I’d reply back saying
‘I’ve just had a baby but x isn’t part of any ‘family’ that I know. He did…. Not show up and I remember as a child my heart break waiting at the window for him. He never paid child support. When my mum claimed he paid £5 a week on benefits but he lived 10 minutes away and never sent birthday or Christmas cards or asked me how I was - ever. My mum remarried a wonderful man who raised me as his own and he is my dad and the my child’s grandfather. Not x. Maybe he cared about you and your children but he made it clear with actions that he wasn’t mine. Can you imagine the damage on me as a child? Can you imagine the rejection? Yet because I had a wonderful mum and ‘dad’ I learnt what truly being a dad is and that men out there will step up and parent / I was a child, X didn’t parent. He absolved himself of me. Biology doesn’t define us - neither does a real man ever do that - x provided biological sperm but he is not my father, another man took that role and he deserves every bit of our love. On life we make choices, with adults and children those choices are important.

Thanks
Me

Very similar story here. Received a message from my dad’s then wife, saying how I’d feel terrible if my dad died and I’d lost my chance at a relationship with him. I ignored it. When I had my first baby his girlfriend at the time found out about an event I’d be at with my baby, and they followed me around but I managed to avoid them.

I wouldn’t even give him the benefit of explaining why I don’t want contact. He knows exactly what he did. I’m grateful he was not part of my life, and will have nothing to do with my children.