To think people really need to stop letting strangers live with their children

[PuttingOnTheKitsch]

Yet another child was murdered at the hands of a parent's "partner". There have been many, many cases of this happening, Daniel Pelka, Peter Connelley, Kyra Ishaq, the list is endless.

Yet, there will still be women on here, letting some random man move in with them and their child within six weeks and saying "Am I not allowed to have a life!?" if anyone points out that's a bad idea.

Men are just as bad, the step-parent's board was full of blokes who would dump their children on whichever woman they were seeing, while they carried on with their lives and the step mum would come on here and seethe at the poor behaviour of the children instead of understanding how distressing it must be for a young child to have a dad who foists you off on anyone.

Nobody died from not having a live-in partner.

If we truly want things to change, rather than shaking our fists at social workers, we need to look at ourselves as a wider society and stop expecting different results from the same poor behaviour.

I agree. I even agreed when I was a lone parent after divorce. The best way to keep your child safe is to not let other adults into the house.

But I don't think this outlook will be popular.

It is true a new parent's partner is one of the riskiest things that can happen in a child's life, but unfortunately I fear poor Arthur's life was doomed regardless. His mother is a murderer, which is how he came to be with his father and his father appears to have been responsible for some of the abuse too.

One absolutely tragic thing that struck me is that there were people (family) who wanted to help but weren't able to because of lockdown. I dont know how hard they tried but his uncle claims he was told he would be arrested if he went to visit the child when he raised concerns.

There'll be a review and a lot of people will come out of it very badly but "we" don't seem to learn.

I agree. I also think any hostility from a step parent towards either child or the child's other parent should be seen as a safeguarding concern in child proceedings.

A parent's new partner....but you knew what I meant

I certainly never left my child with another adult when I was a single mum. I didn't date anyone until he left home to go to university.
There is nothing worse than your parent having a new partner dragged into the house every five minutes while your child is so young, it must be really disturbing for them.

Don your hard hat OP, you're absolutely right, but people won't like this opinion.

That doesn't absolve the social workers of blame, but the first person in the line of defence of your child is you. The child has no control over who moves into their home, and as a parent it's your job to vet who has access to your child.

I separated from my dc's father 4 years ago. I have had a new partner for over 2 years now and he know I won't live with him while my dc live with me. Not because I think he is abusive but because he is MY partner and I choose to be with him but the children shouldn't have another adult forced on them. I want our home to be a safe and happy place and I love our dynamic the way it is.

Unfortunately some people put their own wants above their children's wants and needs.

and the step mum would come on here and seethe at the poor behaviour of the children instead of understanding how distressing it must be for a young child to have a dad who foists you off on anyone.

Yes how dare step mums express any feelings of discomfort ....

I feel like your post is a bit victim blamey. Men who murder their partners children tend to target vulnerable lonely women. Shaming them for their stupidity at moving someone in so quickly isn't exactly helping women like this. They've already lost their child, don't you think that's enough?

I agree, although it's not just new partners. The saddest posts on here are women talking about how their partner has been awful and abusive to her children for years but 'I don't know what to do'

I genuinely don't understand how you can watch someone mistreat your child

His dad had nothing to do with the abuse then Op?

Statistically, children are more likely to be harmed by one of their own parents.

But don’t let that get in the way of using the tragic death of a little boy for some good old fashioned single-parent bashing

Yes, I agree with that, OP. Sometimes it's not even as extreme as abuse but a child being sidelined or undermined by a new partner is still damaging.

I do think some times it's a case of like attracting like though as in Poor Arthur's case and Rose and Fred West.

An even more unpopular opinion - people need to stick to having children whilst in commited relationships (ideally marriage). And actually taking their vows seriously.

@KylieKoKo

and the step mum would come on here and seethe at the poor behaviour of the children instead of understanding how distressing it must be for a young child to have a dad who foists you off on anyone.

Yes how dare step mums express any feelings of discomfort ....

I feel like your post is a bit victim blamey. Men who murder their partners children tend to target vulnerable lonely women. Shaming them for their stupidity at moving someone in so quickly isn't exactly helping women like this. They've already lost their child, don't you think that's enough?

The victims are the children. No one is blaming them.

100% agree.

I agree wholeheartedly OP.

The father was culpable too. And the birth mother in prison. And most step children are not abused at the hands of a step parent. Probably more killed by birth parents, though don't know the stats.

Must be something seriously amiss with both the adults in this case.

Re Daniel Pelka and Peter Connolly - birth mothers were also involved in these cases. Peter's mother convinced many that all was fine when she knew it wasn't.

@Confusedteacher

Statistically, children are more likely to be harmed by one of their own parents.

But don’t let that get in the way of using the tragic death of a little boy for some good old fashioned single-parent bashing

That's because those are the people with the most access to the children and therefore the most opportunity. Dig deeper into the stats and step Dads are a fairly large risk to kids, not all of them of course, but statistically yes. I would imagine that this applies to any unrelated adult, male or female (though the men are more statistically obvious as male violence is usually more overt).

The victims are the children. No one is blaming them.

I think in some cases the mother are too.

It's desperately sad. I think the answer lies in intervening far before someone moves in. There's a whole chain of events that would mean that someone is a single parent with no boundaries and if we could recognise them then perhaps fewer children would be harmed.

Yes, I agree with that, OP. Sometimes it's not even as extreme as abuse but a child being sidelined or undermined by a new partner is still damaging.

Exactly. Emotional abuse, which authorities will ignore in favour of the "contact at all costs" ideology.

@MrsBison

An even more unpopular opinion - people need to stick to having children whilst in commited relationships (ideally marriage). And actually taking their vows seriously.

Since when did marriage vows or commitment protect anyone? Plenty of abuse happens in marriages and committed long term relationships.

You can stick that judgment!

@PuttingOnTheKitsch

Yet another child was murdered at the hands of a parent's "partner". There have been many, many cases of this happening, Daniel Pelka, Peter Connelley, Kyra Ishaq, the list is endless.

Yet, there will still be women on here, letting some random man move in with them and their child within six weeks and saying "Am I not allowed to have a life!?" if anyone points out that's a bad idea.

Men are just as bad, the step-parent's board was full of blokes who would dump their children on whichever woman they were seeing, while they carried on with their lives and the step mum would come on here and seethe at the poor behaviour of the children instead of understanding how distressing it must be for a young child to have a dad who foists you off on anyone.

Nobody died from not having a live-in partner.

If we truly want things to change, rather than shaking our fists at social workers, we need to look at ourselves as a wider society and stop expecting different results from the same poor behaviour.

Totally agree Op

I work in this area and the biggest risk to children is the non related man; part of the reason I suspect this case has so much attention is because it’s the woman who has done it.

Think it probably says more about the issues the birth mothers had in all these cases - leading to unstable relationships with unsuitable people. We can't legislate to stop people having relationships so it's about the rest of society trying to recognise and prevent these things happening. Wide spread publicity or campaigns against involving step parents / new partners where children are involved would never reach these type of people. You have to be able to prioritise your child's needs above your own and take a long term view in order to do so.