To think people really need to stop letting strangers live with their children

[PuttingOnTheKitsch]

Yet another child was murdered at the hands of a parent's "partner". There have been many, many cases of this happening, Daniel Pelka, Peter Connelley, Kyra Ishaq, the list is endless.

Yet, there will still be women on here, letting some random man move in with them and their child within six weeks and saying "Am I not allowed to have a life!?" if anyone points out that's a bad idea.

Men are just as bad, the step-parent's board was full of blokes who would dump their children on whichever woman they were seeing, while they carried on with their lives and the step mum would come on here and seethe at the poor behaviour of the children instead of understanding how distressing it must be for a young child to have a dad who foists you off on anyone.

Nobody died from not having a live-in partner.

If we truly want things to change, rather than shaking our fists at social workers, we need to look at ourselves as a wider society and stop expecting different results from the same poor behaviour.

A lot of lone parents agree with you OP. I do. I worked in criminal justice a long time. Statistically, it is not a good idea to have an unrelated man looking after your children. The risk is not worth it.

There are a lot of predatory men who target and groom single mothers. In the case, it might be that Tustin was an example of the reverse though Hughes was also an abusive man.

There are however any number of mothers who don't or won't believe that fathers or stepfathers are abusive, or ignore it. Mostly for economic reasons and because they don't really care for their kids. The number of women who ignore their children saying they are abused is pretty instructive on that one.

Apologies I've asked for my jumbled post to be removed. There are some on the thread who ABU by seeming to generalise negatively re second relationships and blended families. There are many happy ones out there, including people really taking their time to build up trust and a new family unit. OP is NBU to criticise people with poor relationship behaviours, prioritising relative strangers above their DC by moving at warp speed. This is dangerous and more should be done about it.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Most people aren't, no. But how do you know who is? I certainly wouldn't want to risk my child, for my own happiness.

Well how did you know your child's dad wasn't before you decided to have a baby with him?

I didn't. I was young when I fell pregnant and quite naive. I've just been incredibly lucky that he is a good parent even after we separated. Won't be risking it again.

Tbh I’m surprised at the vote.

It seems that posters in MN are happy to condemn any single woman to a life of celibacy just because said partner could be abusive.

Even though they NEVER had similar thought about their own partner. Did anyone really asked themselves if their partner was going to become abusive before trying for a child? I man after all men become abusive AFTER the woman has become pg and had the child…..

@iklboodolphrednosedpaindear

Youre right, theres always a chance of picking a wrong/bad/abusive partner.

But isnt it less likely to be the case if both you and your partner are both married 1st time, working, have a stable family house, no baggage, and church going (as an example). Opposed to say switching from boyfriend to boyfriend every year?

100% agree, OP.

I was at a court case in which the mother’s boyfriend of three weeks had been left with the mother’s baby (he was not the father) and when the baby cried he had beaten it to death. The mother had gone out shopping with friends and left this 4-month-old baby with some guy she barely knew but had moved him in.

I couldn’t fathom why you would be in the business of finding and moving in blokes when you had a tiny baby. And then leaving them with your child. I would have jailed her as well as him.

I see this attitude on Mumsnet time and time again. It’s basically just very thinly veiled criticism and judgement of single parents.

Of course no one HAS to have another relationship after splitting with their child’s father- it’s perfectly possible to be completely happy and satisfied as a single person- parent or not.

However if someone wants to have a relationship, or meets someone who makes them happy, it is absolutely their choice. Why should someone be alone forever just because their first relationship didn’t work out. What sort of message does that send to the children, particularly daughters- if your first significant relationship in life doesn’t work out you should suck it up and be alone forever?!

I’m biased as I am very happily remarried. Benefits for my DC are- they have a good model of a happy, solid relationship. They like DH and enjoy spending time with him. I am much happier and less stressed out and exhausted than I was as a single parent- I have more time for them because I have someone to share the load. They also get on really well with the DSC, so much so that they specifically asked us to combine weekends, so that we have them all at the same time. We get on well with DH’s exW and her new partner. They also see me and their dad having a friendly relationship.

In our circle of friends we are not unusual at all- I know lots of combinations of perfectly happy, blended families.

Just because one step parent (and actual parent) made the news for being vile, don’t tar us all with the same brush.

There are however any number of mothers who don't or won't believe that fathers or stepfathers are abusive, or ignore it. Mostly for economic reasons and because they don't really care for their kids. The number of women who ignore their children saying they are abused is pretty instructive on that one.

We see this regularly on here. "my child has not got along with my h for years but I married him last year" or "You are overreacting to my post. He's a great stepfather and partner actually" sort of posts. The children might not use the word abused for their unhappiness but there are sadly too many posts on here where adults prioritise their relationship over their kids.

@luverlybubberly

There are however any number of mothers who don't or won't believe that fathers or stepfathers are abusive, or ignore it. Mostly for economic reasons and because they don't really care for their kids. The number of women who ignore their children saying they are abused is pretty instructive on that one.

We see this regularly on here. "my child has not got along with my h for years but I married him last year" or "You are overreacting to my post. He's a great stepfather and partner actually" sort of posts. The children might not use the word abused for their unhappiness but there are sadly too many posts on here where adults prioritise their relationship over their kids.

100%

@Waxonwaxoff0 but how many parent do you think has just being ‘lucky’?
Are we talking 10%, 20%, 50%, 80%?

I’d say that even though about half of relationship break down, not so many are actually abusive.
Of course those are not acceptable. But saying that you would never be in a relationship or have a child because said man might become abusive is taking it far.
Most men are not abusive. It’s not just luck.

Youre right, theres always a chance of picking a wrong/bad/abusive partner.

But isnt it less likely to be the case if both you and your partner are both married 1st time, working, have a stable family house, no baggage, and church going (as an example). Opposed to say switching from boyfriend to boyfriend every year?

Sadly not. 14 years in an abusive relationship, both working, no baggage, stable home taught me that.

@DottyHarmer

100% agree, OP.

I was at a court case in which the mother’s boyfriend of three weeks had been left with the mother’s baby (he was not the father) and when the baby cried he had beaten it to death. The mother had gone out shopping with friends and left this 4-month-old baby with some guy she barely knew but had moved him in.

I couldn’t fathom why you would be in the business of finding and moving in blokes when you had a tiny baby. And then leaving them with your child. I would have jailed her as well as him.

But you see lots of posts on here where people say it’s ok for pregnant women to date, I just don’t get this why would you want to date when you are pregnant and vulnerable then Pretty much bringing that guy around your newborn, anyone that doesn’t agree with it is shot down, I was pregnant and single and can’t understand wanting to date!

Most people aren't, no. But how do you know who is? I certainly wouldn't want to risk my child, for my own happiness.

Do you not trust your ability to recognize red flags or put in boundaries?

Things don't have to go from 0-60 in days, if your taking your time getting to know someone and your on the lookout for red flags then they are usually pretty easy to spot and can be dealt with before you even introduce the partner to your child. I don't think a blanket ban on stepparents or shaming those who get into second relationships as not putting their children first is helping.
We should be educating women (everyone) on healthy relationships and spotting red flags and how to deal with that.

@DottyHarmer

100% agree, OP.

I was at a court case in which the mother’s boyfriend of three weeks had been left with the mother’s baby (he was not the father) and when the baby cried he had beaten it to death. The mother had gone out shopping with friends and left this 4-month-old baby with some guy she barely knew but had moved him in.

I couldn’t fathom why you would be in the business of finding and moving in blokes when you had a tiny baby. And then leaving them with your child. I would have jailed her as well as him.

OMG this is utterly, utterly heartbreaking

I agree OP. The moment I had children they came first and I'd put their happiness and wellbeing over my own every time.

[quote LostForIdeas]@Waxonwaxoff0 but how many parent do you think has just being ‘lucky’?
Are we talking 10%, 20%, 50%, 80%?

I’d say that even though about half of relationship break down, not so many are actually abusive.
Of course those are not acceptable. But saying that you would never be in a relationship or have a child because said man might become abusive is taking it far.
Most men are not abusive. It’s not just luck.[/quote]
Of course most men aren't. But far too many are. I don't want to take that risk. I'm perfectly happy on my own anyway, I've been single for nearly 8 years and prefer it.

The most dangerous person in my DC’s life was their own father, who I left when they were very young. A few years later I had a long term partner and it showed them that not all relationships are awful. That not all men are violent abusers. They saw what a healthy relationship looks like. I’m not saying move in just anyone. I only ever lived with 1 guy after the DC’s dad. But it was a good experience for them. And before anyone says “you don’t know that”, they’re in their 30s now and we talk candidly about the past.

One of my very good friends took on 4 DC that weren’t her own. All with special needs. Their mum didn’t give a shit and actually denies having them! They’ve had a great life with my friend and would have missed out on a lot, not having a mum.

Yes it’s horrendous and tragic what happened to poor Arthur. But as other posters have pointed out, it’s far more complex than the idea you’re pushing.

@Confusedteacher, I agree.

Somehow this always apply to single mothers but never to women who want to settle down and have kids….

If that logic was applied to ALL women (which makes sense really), I am not sure what sort if society we would end up with. No families. Very few children (who will take the risk when they are single?). Children growing up wo a father ever…

Nit sure I want that tbh.

My father was a drunk, including drink driving with me in the car. I was far happier and far safer when his girlfriend of six months moved in, she was a stabilising influence and an absolute saint. My mum even said she felt so much happier after that happened. Not all stepparents are evil and not all birth parents are saints. Sometimes stepparents treat you like their own, like mine did.

"It seems that posters in MN are happy to condemn any single woman to a life of celibacy just because said partner could be abusive."

That's not what is being said. It should be well down the line that you move someone in and even further that they are in sole charge.

I agree 100%.

Before I even had kids I'd say that no man that wasn't their father would live with my kids and I. I personally think it's because I have trust issues and think everyone has bad intentions but you just can't take the risk!

I do think parents are allowed their own life but the child/children ALWAYS have to come first. I get so stressed when I hear stories that someone has left their young kid with their partner whilst they go to work or something. You just never know what can happen

I agree with every word you've written

I've been a single parent for almost 2 years and I've never even dreamt of having a man over when my children are in bed, let alone when they're awake or moving someone in

It's fucking vile actually and I don't care who I offend, if you have a sexual partner over when your children are in bed you are gross.

Your home should be your childrens safe place.

[quote LostForIdeas]@Waxonwaxoff0 but how many parent do you think has just being ‘lucky’?
Are we talking 10%, 20%, 50%, 80%?

I’d say that even though about half of relationship break down, not so many are actually abusive.
Of course those are not acceptable. But saying that you would never be in a relationship or have a child because said man might become abusive is taking it far.
Most men are not abusive. It’s not just luck.[/quote]
Some general advice. Taking some steps to picking the right partner also helps.

E.g. only consider a man who is gainfully employed, does not do drugs/smoke, comes from a good stable family/background and is educated.

@Waxonwaxoff0, and that’s your choice.

What isn’t right is saying that it should be everyone choice because not doing so is somehow wrong…. Unsafe for the child etc….

@DottyHarmer

100% agree, OP.

I was at a court case in which the mother’s boyfriend of three weeks had been left with the mother’s baby (he was not the father) and when the baby cried he had beaten it to death. The mother had gone out shopping with friends and left this 4-month-old baby with some guy she barely knew but had moved him in.

I couldn’t fathom why you would be in the business of finding and moving in blokes when you had a tiny baby. And then leaving them with your child. I would have jailed her as well as him.

But don't you think this is completely different from those who take the time in new relationships and introduce the children after a sensible period? That story is horrendous and anyone who does that shouldn't have children in the first place, but if we're talking about stepparents then the adults are married and have usually been in a relationship longer than 4 weeks, so it's just not the same thing at all.