To think people really need to stop letting strangers live with their children

[PuttingOnTheKitsch]

Yet another child was murdered at the hands of a parent's "partner". There have been many, many cases of this happening, Daniel Pelka, Peter Connelley, Kyra Ishaq, the list is endless.

Yet, there will still be women on here, letting some random man move in with them and their child within six weeks and saying "Am I not allowed to have a life!?" if anyone points out that's a bad idea.

Men are just as bad, the step-parent's board was full of blokes who would dump their children on whichever woman they were seeing, while they carried on with their lives and the step mum would come on here and seethe at the poor behaviour of the children instead of understanding how distressing it must be for a young child to have a dad who foists you off on anyone.

Nobody died from not having a live-in partner.

If we truly want things to change, rather than shaking our fists at social workers, we need to look at ourselves as a wider society and stop expecting different results from the same poor behaviour.

@MrsBison

An even more unpopular opinion - people need to stick to having children whilst in commited relationships (ideally marriage). And actually taking their vows seriously.

Like Fred & Rose West? David & Louise Turpin?

Totally agree Op.

Exactly. If your parents are abusive wankers it's likely that any step parents will be similar.

Decent parents don't allow abusive wankers near their children. If they do, they're not decent parents.

mrs bison. Please fuck off to he far side of the 1950’s and stay there
you cannot be real,

@Sunshineandflipflops

I separated from my dc's father 4 years ago. I have had a new partner for over 2 years now and he know I won't live with him while my dc live with me. Not because I think he is abusive but because he is MY partner and I choose to be with him but the children shouldn't have another adult forced on them. I want our home to be a safe and happy place and I love our dynamic the way it is.

Unfortunately some people put their own wants above their children's wants and needs.

THIS! Exactly the same boat as you. My DC is the single most important thing in my life and their needs will always come over and above my wants. I frequently remind my partner of that. He is accepting of it too because he knew he was getting into a relationship with someone who had children and would never expect to move in. Yeah I’m an ideal world he would live with us, I’d see him all the time and life would be rosy, but the reality is that it’s rarely rosy living with someone else’s child. Between house rules, expectations of the child, personalities and ex-partners it’s never going to be easy.

YANBU

I have been separated for a year and I'm not remotely interested in dating anyone. I'm sure I will one day but when I do I have no intention whatsoever of moving in anyone until my children are adults and maybe not even then if they are still living at home.

Not that I think any potential partner will abuse them. But I think it would be hugely disruptive to their lives, and would upset my eldest in particular.

I have told a few people this and have been met with shock, because why wouldn't a single mum want to find another man asap

@MrsBison

An even more unpopular opinion - people need to stick to having children whilst in commited relationships (ideally marriage). And actually taking their vows seriously.

My children were all born while I was married.

It wasn’t me who didn’t take my vows seriously and it isn’t me who is remarried.

Is saying people should wear seatbelts bashing people who die in car crashes?

There are a slew of poor outcomes from letting a stranger "parent" your child. It's about time we were honest about this.

And who ever mentioned upthread about the desperation to have a new baby, I've seen that countless times on here too. Whinging about the stress the existing children are causing while "we're trying for a baby".

People make choices. Choosing to live with someone when you already have children is a choice, for men and women.

I think the biggest issue in this and other similar tragic cases is the fact that social services in this country are totally over stretched and under funded. If they had the capacity to intervene earlier, and to spend more time on each case, perhaps the results would be different. In this case he had been seen by social workers 2 months previously, after his grandmother reported concerns. He had also told his teacher that he thought his dad was going to kill him.

YANBU OP, its the reason I have decided to stay single till my kids are much older.

I can think of lots of reasons why people might want to share their lives with a new parent.

Basically life is tough as a single parent , especially if you are not well paid and don't have family to help out with childcare. Benefits are low and family-friendly employers are hard to find.

Having an additional wage earner can mean a better standard of living. You can afford to clothe your children and to feed them, If the relationship with the children's father has broken down completely and/or he is absorbed with a new family, one can reasonably believe that the new partner will be a positive figure in the children's lives.

Of course in extreme cases it all goes very badly wrong. And in some cases the new relationship will be positive for all concerned. (With the majority perhaps blundering along somewhere in the middle.)

I was with someone for several years. I had no idea that he would be violent until he was.

There weren't children involved but it still makes me feel uneasy that I had left him in charge of my pets. Pets he'd encouraged me too have to make him look good and to get his feet under the table

After we split up I found that he had a thing for women with eating disorders and he had been fat-shaming me. Easy to do that to someone who has had an ED. Someone with a history of mental health issues.

Nobody thought he was the type.
The other woman had DC, and pets - his idea

@PuttingOnTheKitsch

Is saying people should wear seatbelts bashing people who die in car crashes?

There are a slew of poor outcomes from letting a stranger "parent" your child. It's about time we were honest about this.

And who ever mentioned upthread about the desperation to have a new baby, I've seen that countless times on here too. Whinging about the stress the existing children are causing while "we're trying for a baby".

People make choices. Choosing to live with someone when you already have children is a choice, for men and women.

It's not really the same is it?

You're criticising families. Real people. To compare it to wearing a seatbelt is fucking stupid.

Agreed! Whole heartedly. My moms not perfect. But she was with my step dad years before he stayed the night. Then he stayed once or twice a wk for years. By the time he moved in, we were already family.

And even still - he knew v quick that if there was a choice my mom would choose us. He didn’t discipline us and any decisions pertaining to our care were moms not his. He whole heartedly embraced this. He became one of my favourite people. I miss him so much.

@MrsBison

An even more unpopular opinion - people need to stick to having children whilst in commited relationships (ideally marriage). And actually taking their vows seriously.

Don't be stupid. Abuse can start at any time, including in a marriage. Being married isn't going to stop an abusive twat from behaving like that.

I'm inclined to agree with you, but I struggle with it.

My ex fiance left me and DS when DS was 9 months old. I am early 30s and if I wait until DS is 18, I'll be over 50 and my opportunity to have more children will have passed me by. Of course DS comes first, it goes without saying, but I really struggle with the idea of my chance for marriage and a traditional family being over.

I think the answer is having boundaries. As things stand, I have just started seeing someone who I have known for a decade. I know he's a decent human and a good, involved father (long divorced). Because of DS, I'm taking things very slowly, but if it's going well in a year or so I'll introduce him to DS and me to his, then if that works, over time, maybe we would try to blend the families - but slowly, carefully and in the mindset that if the DCs are negatively impacted then we stop.

But OP! It’s much easier to turn the murderers into monsters. Stops any sort of self reflection. Stops us having to think about the way we act and vote.

I agree. People are too quick to put their own needs over their children’s. I know many won’t agree but there’s no way I would move a new partner into the family home.

I think it would be better understand why parents abuse their kids. 68% of perpetrators are parents according to the ONS. That is what needs the attention. Not berating those who pursue 2nd relationships. If you berate those in 2nd rationships, why not those who made poor choices with the first relationship which meant their children were exposed to stress and trauma and less than ideal parent? (I don't agree with this but see it as no different)

I pretty much agree. I've been a lone parent for 13yrs and haven't even attempted to date let alone move in with anyone.
My dc's have been lucky to have a boring, stable home life all that time.

Where I live I see several vulnerable women with awful new thuggish partners. It's a pity they can't have massive financial, practical and emotional support to live alone.

In poor Arthur’s case the biological dad was evil and a totally incompetent parent, and he met his match with the stepmum.

I agree that your children should be number one but it wasn’t a normal guy moving in with a carefully chosen partner and things went suddenly wrong.

YANBU, some people don't want to hear it though. It's all "single parents deserve a life too!"

I'm a single parent and I will never, ever allow a man to move into my home or be alone with my child.

I honestly think people who move partners in are putting their own wants ahead of their children's needs. No matter how much they deny it and say their kids love the partner.

I don't think it's anything to do with stepparents inherently.

Anyone who is emotionally healthy and stable will be likely to make better judgements and appropriate distance with a new relationship around any children.

There are plenty of people in this country (and every country no doubt) who live very chaotic experiences, likely trauma induced, often violent. It's grim and any children being brought up in that kind of environment will be at risk, unfortunately. Not every trauma victim will respond in that way, but many will and particularly if their own childhood has been like that, if they have become a victim of exploitation, if they are addicted to substances. Someone in that situation is generally not able to make good, appropriate decisions about who is or isn't a safe person to have around their child. They may be abusive themselves. In this scenario it's common for there to be a string of "step parents" but it's correlation rather than causation.

We know that the boy's mother was originally with this man but the relationship ended. Was it an abusive relationship? It seems quite likely, considering that he went on to abuse his son terribly and also that the mother herself went on into another relationship which was so abusive it resulted in her killing her abuser. It is common for abuse victims to find themselves in abusive relationships again and again. Whether this is imprinting of unhealthy relationships learned in childhood I don't know. It seems likely. Likewise it is common for abusers to have abused all or nearly all of their partners. Abuse is a pattern, it doesn't tend to be a one off. (It can be but it's rare).

I feel for her. She didn't handle things in the right way, and I'm not suggesting that murder shouldn't be punished but it seems likely to me that she tried to protect her child from an abuser (perhaps in the only way she felt she could, nobody would kill someone if they felt they had a choice) only for him to be delivered into the hands of another.

Not excusing the vile behaviour some people inflict on others but I can imagine the situation a poor single mom trying to survive perhaps on uc, they meet a man who brings a bit of joy to their/her life, she cant finally afford a few treats seems to treat the dc well so why not live together?
I'm not saying it's right I'm just saying I can see how woman can let men move in quickly quickly

@MrsBison

An even more unpopular opinion - people need to stick to having children whilst in commited relationships (ideally marriage). And actually taking their vows seriously.

Problem with this is people believing that staying together for the sake of the kids is a good thing to do. It's regularly trotted out on here and I feel bad for the kids who will have the burden of their parents unhappiness.

It's not best to stay together for the kids. In some cases you can be a better parent because the children can be focused on without the adult relationship being an issue. Your kids are watching and learning about adult relationships from you. If you are walking on egg shells so that you don't piss off your partner, you end with kids who are more likely to do that too imo.