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Original poster

To think people really need to stop letting strangers live with their children

499 replies

PuttingOnTheKitsch · 03/12/2021 12:44

Yet another child was murdered at the hands of a parent's "partner". There have been many, many cases of this happening, Daniel Pelka, Peter Connelley, Kyra Ishaq, the list is endless.

Yet, there will still be women on here, letting some random man move in with them and their child within six weeks and saying "Am I not allowed to have a life!?" if anyone points out that's a bad idea.

Men are just as bad, the step-parent's board was full of blokes who would dump their children on whichever woman they were seeing, while they carried on with their lives and the step mum would come on here and seethe at the poor behaviour of the children instead of understanding how distressing it must be for a young child to have a dad who foists you off on anyone.

Nobody died from not having a live-in partner.

If we truly want things to change, rather than shaking our fists at social workers, we need to look at ourselves as a wider society and stop expecting different results from the same poor behaviour.

OP posts:
Grenlei · 06/12/2021 18:46

That's the thing isn't it? You can shag, date, even have a relationship without that person becoming a fixture in your home. And it's quite possible to do either or both of the first 2 without them ever encountering your child(ren).

Skyll · 06/12/2021 18:47

@Grenlei

That's the thing isn't it? You can shag, date, even have a relationship without that person becoming a fixture in your home. And it's quite possible to do either or both of the first 2 without them ever encountering your child(ren).
Yup. That’s what I did. Still do and they’re grown ups.
Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/12/2021 18:48

@Grenlei

That's the thing isn't it? You can shag, date, even have a relationship without that person becoming a fixture in your home. And it's quite possible to do either or both of the first 2 without them ever encountering your child(ren).
Exactly! You can do what you want, just no need to "blend families".
luverlybubberly · 06/12/2021 18:49

@Grenlei

That's the thing isn't it? You can shag, date, even have a relationship without that person becoming a fixture in your home. And it's quite possible to do either or both of the first 2 without them ever encountering your child(ren).
That's what I've done too. Kids don't have a clue and it helps that they are teenagers so I can go out in the evenings if I want
Skyll · 06/12/2021 18:51

I actually have a joke with my friend about telling my kids I’m staying at her house overnight when I’m out with a gentleman friend. (When I used to date!)

christmaskittenincoming · 06/12/2021 18:53

'Exactly! You can do what you want, just no need to "blend families".

This...

Think that's what I have been trying to get across but then being vilified for bashing stepmums and single parents, which I categorically have not been.

What has been nice to see is so many mums on this thread that have made the same decision as me.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/12/2021 18:58

@christmaskittenincoming

'Exactly! You can do what you want, just no need to "blend families".

This...

Think that's what I have been trying to get across but then being vilified for bashing stepmums and single parents, which I categorically have not been.

What has been nice to see is so many mums on this thread that have made the same decision as me.

Absolutely. I'm a single parent too. I think people assume that it's a choice between moving a man in or having no dating or sex life at all which is nonsense! I had a "friend with benefits" for a couple of years which was perfect. I have a good social life. But I do not want to live with or introduce a new man to DS.
Grenlei · 06/12/2021 18:59

Some people with children choose never to date until their kids are 18, have left home, etc - that's fine, horses for courses.

Some of us do date, indeed have relationships, but stop short of blending families. My DC are well over 18, but DP and I still don't live together, I don't think we will ever be in a situation where all of us live permanently under the same roof, even though he gets on well with my DC. It's something neither of us felt was right for all of us.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 06/12/2021 19:01

My children have no idea about any of the men I have dated or slept with. They’ve never met a single one of them. They didn’t even know I was seeing anyone any time there was someone on the go.

Confusedteacher · 06/12/2021 19:03

That is your choice, but maybe some people don’t want to “shag around” or have a “friend with benefits”. Are you really saying that once you’ve had children with someone and that relationship hasn’t lasted, you are never again allowed a meaningful relationship? Basically all us lone parents are just fallen women, only good enough for casual sex?!

My DC are a huge part of my life, I wouldn’t want, or be able, to have any kind of relationship with someone who wasn’t willing to be a part of that.

Agree with @BertramLacey, this has basically just turned into a step parent bashing thread.

Skyll · 06/12/2021 19:05

Just because I had casual sex doesn’t mean I’m a “fallen woman”. What a load of tosh.

christmaskittenincoming · 06/12/2021 19:07

I cannot understand why posters keep saying this is a stepparent bashing thread.

We are discussing different life choices for our children.

Confusedteacher · 06/12/2021 19:10

@Skyll I’m not saying you are, but many posters seem to be suggesting that lone parents should be content to “shag around” rather than try to pursue an actual relationship. The implication being that we’re not good enough for / can’t expect to have one.

Confusedteacher · 06/12/2021 19:12

@christmaskittenincoming “we are discussing different life choices for our children”

Actually, you are judging other people’s life choices

Skyll · 06/12/2021 19:13

So what? Shagging around isn’t a value judgement about whether I’m “good enough” to have a relationship!?

I didn’t want a “relationship” but I did want sex. So I got the sex with none of the downsides (for me).

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/12/2021 19:14

@Confusedteacher

That is your choice, but maybe some people don’t want to “shag around” or have a “friend with benefits”. Are you really saying that once you’ve had children with someone and that relationship hasn’t lasted, you are never again allowed a meaningful relationship? Basically all us lone parents are just fallen women, only good enough for casual sex?!

My DC are a huge part of my life, I wouldn’t want, or be able, to have any kind of relationship with someone who wasn’t willing to be a part of that.

Agree with @BertramLacey, this has basically just turned into a step parent bashing thread.

Yes, but what about what your DC want? They might not want your partner forced into their lives.
Skyll · 06/12/2021 19:14

I’m not judging anyone else. I’m merely saying what I’ve done.

I think the morality judgements around women (and it is always the women) who have casual sex and relationships lite (eg fwb) have a lot to answer for.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/12/2021 19:17

[quote Confusedteacher]@Skyll I’m not saying you are, but many posters seem to be suggesting that lone parents should be content to “shag around” rather than try to pursue an actual relationship. The implication being that we’re not good enough for / can’t expect to have one.[/quote]
That's not the implication at all. And it's a bit of a sexist attitude there. I am good enough for a relationship, and me having casual sex does not negate that. I just choose not to have one, because what's best for my child is more important.

frugalkitty · 06/12/2021 19:20

We had a case near us in which a teenage girl was murdered by her boyfriend, who'd been involved with her mother first and lived in their house. She was the same age as my daughter and I still can't get my head round her mother thinking what was going on under her own roof was ok.

christmaskittenincoming · 06/12/2021 19:21

The thing is I am not judging I'm discussing what I have done as a parent, because I believe having different men in her life would not have benefited her in any way. Nothing would enrich her life by me involving her with my dating.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 06/12/2021 19:24

@Confusedteacher the comments from people who have dated casually were in response to a poster claiming we had processed to have “sewn our vaginas shut”. They weren’t saying that shagging around is the only option for single parents.

HumpreyDowny · 06/12/2021 19:24

One can have meaningful relationship without living together. And get to know the man for a long enough time to be sure before involving them in their kids lives. If there is indeed a relationship and someone worthy in there, the person will understand and wait.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 06/12/2021 19:25

The implication being that we’re not good enough for / can’t expect to have one.

Or maybe the implication is that none of the partners were good enough to graduate to a serious relationship for a mother with children.

Lennybenny · 06/12/2021 19:45

That's why I'm still single 14 years after ex left. Ds are 16 and 18 now so it's different but no chance in he'll would I have let anyone move in when they were little but I had friends who did.....🤬

RubyTuesday70 · 06/12/2021 20:00

Some people should never have become parents........ mine being prime examples. My Dad left for a much younger woman ( a few years older than me, grim) and she wasn't having any part of my sister and I being in his life. Mum went onto the rebound in spectacular fashion and met desperate no-hoper after desperate no-hoper. She would often leave us for entire weekends.......... I was 13 and my sister 9. Thankfully a neighbour was really kind and kept an eye on us/brought a torch over if the power went out as it often did as Mum didn't leave money for the meter.

None of the partners that both parents found weren't welcome additions to my life in any way shape or form.

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