To think people really need to stop letting strangers live with their children

[PuttingOnTheKitsch]

Yet another child was murdered at the hands of a parent's "partner". There have been many, many cases of this happening, Daniel Pelka, Peter Connelley, Kyra Ishaq, the list is endless.

Yet, there will still be women on here, letting some random man move in with them and their child within six weeks and saying "Am I not allowed to have a life!?" if anyone points out that's a bad idea.

Men are just as bad, the step-parent's board was full of blokes who would dump their children on whichever woman they were seeing, while they carried on with their lives and the step mum would come on here and seethe at the poor behaviour of the children instead of understanding how distressing it must be for a young child to have a dad who foists you off on anyone.

Nobody died from not having a live-in partner.

If we truly want things to change, rather than shaking our fists at social workers, we need to look at ourselves as a wider society and stop expecting different results from the same poor behaviour.

I agree in a sense of not rushing it, introducing slowly and making sure everything is okay before moving in etc. However, this is a minority of people with "blended families". And it can happen in together families too.

I don't think single parents should be resigned to be alone until their children are adults because some people are murdering bastards.

Stop the problem at the source OP. There are some people in this world who quite frankly should never be allowed to have children in the first place.

@Onelifeonly

The father was culpable too. And the birth mother in prison. And most step children are not abused at the hands of a step parent. Probably more killed by birth parents, though don't know the stats.

Must be something seriously amiss with both the adults in this case.

Data? Children living with step fathers 10 times for likely to be abused than those living with biological parents

www.center4research.org/child-abuse-father-figures-kind-families-safest-grow/

ive been saying this for years especially about a certain miss price but apparently as long as shes happy im out of order

the case with arthur just sounds like he was dumped with his bio father because they seem to think thatgs the right thing to do and he had a partner that didnt give a shit either

Totally agree with you, OP. The children must always come first, above new partners.

It is not only step parents who abuse children plenty of natural parents are utterly horrible.
Poor children, they are at risk from so many people.

His mother (no need for birth mother 🙄) is in prison for killing her abusive partner.

I’m a lone parent and I agree 100%

I could have a life (I do have a life, but currently it’s seeing friends, not a relationship) and even have a relationship if I wanted without my children ever meeting the other person (would be a man in my case). No need for anyone to move in!

I don’t intend to move in with anyone else whilst they’re at home, and probably not even after that, and will never merge finances or marry again.

I do think it’s a fact that mothers need to be more careful than fathers because statistically a male partner is more likely to abuse children / encourage the parent to neglect them. Not that a cruel step mum is something you want either, but generally the father retains the power in the relationship if he wants it.

It is true though that vulnerable women with vulnerable children are targeted by men, for their children. I worked in a school in an area of high social problems and the most unlikely women (toothless, dirty, drug ridden) had a stream of boyfriends that can't have been down to how attractive they were. There were multiple incidents of abuse in some of those families

So yes, new boyfriends are a risk to children, but probably disproportionately so for children already living pretty awful lives.

That doesn't seem to be the case here though. It would be interesting to find out if there's any data on the kind of danger of a step mother v step father. Step father abuse will often be sexual, whereas this step mother does seem to have wanted to get rid of the child, which wouldn't be a sexual abuser's aim.

I genuinely don't understand how you can watch someone mistreat your child

Mary Harrington had a Twitter thread in which she asked her women followers what age they were when they first attracted sexual attention from men.

The number of women who replied with a single digit figure would break your heart. Plus the stories that would make you never want to let a young child out of your sight again.

But, a recurrent theme was the number of children who'd been assaulted in plain sight and their parents or other adults didn't intervene.

And the number of adult apologists who blamed a child for being 'flirty' or not understanding that an overture was because 'someone had no children of their own' or needed innocent contact.

@Gearedtoyou not necessarily true www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/09/180924091641.htm

"In general, the data indicates that younger fathers are more likely to abuse or kill their children than older fathers, regardless of whether they are stepfathers," said Dr Gavin Nobes, who led the study.

"Also, the population surveys show that stepfathers are, on average, much younger than genetic fathers. This means that the Cinderella effect can be at least partly explained by stepfathers' relative youth, rather than not being genetically related to their victims.

Agree OP

Far too many out there not putting the children 1st, I have been ripped to shreds on here for suggesting that parents should really stop and think before moving a new partner in. A divorce/separation is exceptionally difficult for children to cope with without mum/dad jamming an unknown adult into the already disrupted childhood.

Why can't they just date, why the frantic need to have another adult living with them, then of course the need to 'gift' the new partner with a baby of their own

Both parents were charged here op. It’s not like the abuse was carried out in secret. All the adults involved are scumbags and that child stood no chance

This was a terrible, terrible case and I think it's pretty low of you to use it as an argument against step parenting. This boy was let down by his parents and stepmother. It's fucking tragic.
My stepfather was one of the best influences on me. I am a single mother now and I can see how my children would benefit from having two engaged parents instead of one.
Can't believe you're using this case to anonymously cause what you know would be a bunfight online. It's so direspectful. Shame on you.

@MrsBison

An even more unpopular opinion - people need to stick to having children whilst in commited relationships (ideally marriage). And actually taking their vows seriously.

🤣🤣🤣

Where in "the vows" does it say to treat the children well? 🤔

My nan got married had children was abused wanted to leave but legally was not allowed to take her children (at that time) she left she had to

I got married my husband was abusive thankfully I never had to make the choice my nan did and my children are still in my life but we have all paid the price for my marriage

A ring means nothing absolutely NOTHING

The biological father was almost as bad as the stepmother, though.

I don’t think he would have been safe even if it was just his dad he was living with. I’m not excusing her behaviour, they were as bad as eachother. The father was violent enough on his own.

I wholeheartedly agree. There is absolutely zero need to move in with a new partner when there's children involved. It almost always does a disservice to the DC.

I always shudder when women move a new boyfriend in when they have DDs in particular. I know of far too many cases of stepfather types committing CSA. Just bloody wait until the children have grown.

No. Parents need to stop abusing and allowing their children to be abused. Because in the majority of cases the other parent is complicit, don't deflect from their guilt.

Lots of people start new relationships and move in together, in the vast majority of cases any kids involved don't end up in a bodybag...... Solely because they didn't have abusive, selfish parents to start with.

@Peas252

His dad had nothing to do with the abuse then Op?

The title of my post says people. My post clearly blames mothers and fathers, as both are susceptible to letting complete strangers into their child's life.

@christmaskittenincoming

Agree OP

Far too many out there not putting the children 1st, I have been ripped to shreds on here for suggesting that parents should really stop and think before moving a new partner in. A divorce/separation is exceptionally difficult for children to cope with without mum/dad jamming an unknown adult into the already disrupted childhood.

Why can't they just date, why the frantic need to have another adult living with them, then of course the need to 'gift' the new partner with a baby of their own

I actually think this is quite offensive. Why is it a "frantic need" and what are you on about gifting a baby? It takes two people to have a baby.

Absolutely agree with this OP. If my DH leaves me, there is no way another man will ever live with me and my autistic DS. In this case however, the authorities totally failed that poor boy. He should never have been with the father. Both grandparents are ‘middle class’ and both parents came from ‘decent’ families who all raised concerns that were dismissed. This child was failed and the Covid lock downs also hugely contributed to the situation. Yet the women ‘in charge’ walked away with her full final salary pension intact. The whole thing disgusts me. We have learned nothing from the Victoria Climbie case and enquiry.

l cannot understand the naievity of some people who just cannot be without a live in partner. It is very disturbing the amount of poor children murdered or abused at the hands of a step parent, usually the male.
Are men even biologically designed to raise children that are not their own ?
I am like a lioness around my two sons, and there is no way l would have ever considered bringing another male into our family set up , it is too high risk. When l did date, l kept it very seperate.
l worked for the CPS many years befor l had my family and it was heartbreaking and shocking to see the many levels of abuse concerning step parents towards step children.

ONS says 'Around 4 in 10 (39%) of victims of physical abuse in their childhood were abused by their father. A further 29% were abused by their mother, 12% by a partner or previous partner and, 10% by step-father and 10% by another family member.'

Stop using this case to bash stepparents and lone parents.

YANBU to say that people should consider the effect on their children.
But in the case of Arthur and the other three children you’ve mentioned, the biological parent was involved in the abuse and prosecuted. It’s not like the partner moved in, started abusing the child and the parent realised they’d made a terrible mistake. They acted together. So a far more complicated issue than just, don’t move a partner in.

I appreciate that won’t be the case all the time of course.