To think people really need to stop letting strangers live with their children

[PuttingOnTheKitsch]

Yet another child was murdered at the hands of a parent's "partner". There have been many, many cases of this happening, Daniel Pelka, Peter Connelley, Kyra Ishaq, the list is endless.

Yet, there will still be women on here, letting some random man move in with them and their child within six weeks and saying "Am I not allowed to have a life!?" if anyone points out that's a bad idea.

Men are just as bad, the step-parent's board was full of blokes who would dump their children on whichever woman they were seeing, while they carried on with their lives and the step mum would come on here and seethe at the poor behaviour of the children instead of understanding how distressing it must be for a young child to have a dad who foists you off on anyone.

Nobody died from not having a live-in partner.

If we truly want things to change, rather than shaking our fists at social workers, we need to look at ourselves as a wider society and stop expecting different results from the same poor behaviour.

@MrsBison

An even more unpopular opinion - people need to stick to having children whilst in commited relationships (ideally marriage). And actually taking their vows seriously.

Totally agree with this. I am horrified by the number of women on here who become pregnant so early in relationships and then have to pick up the pieces when the relationship goes wrong or the father turns out to be a prick. And the encouragement of women to continue with pregnancies when it really seems sensible not to. Obviously fathers shouldn't be pricks but at least take some time to work out if they are before making decisions that will affect the rest of your life.

It is truly heart breaking and YANBU OP. When my friend separated, her DD was only 4. She went to her dad's on a Tuesday night and for over 10 years, that was the only night my friend ever dated.

Interesting that Tustin's stepfather described Arthur's dad as "not being the type" to hit a child which suggests Tustin was the main instigator. If anything, you would think her stepdad would try to make out that it was his dad not her. But at the end of the day, they are both culpable and deserve the strongest punishment available.

RIP Arthur.

Why are they calling that murderer stepmother?

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

I agree in a sense of not rushing it, introducing slowly and making sure everything is okay before moving in etc. However, this is a minority of people with "blended families". And it can happen in together families too.

I don't think single parents should be resigned to be alone until their children are adults because some people are murdering bastards.

You don't have to be alone, you can date. You don't need to live with someone. And being alone isn't some big hardship either, it's a bit sad if someone can't cope without a relationship.

I am a lone parent (have been since day 1), my child is nearly 11 now and I have never introduced him to a man in those 11 years. When he is 18 and has left home I might start dating again. I don't judge others for having new partners, but it's not something I've ever considered.

Bloody research shows that step parents - often male usually - will abuse their step kids ESPECIALLY once they have their own children with the mother. The step children end up neglected or abused in some way.

The only man I know to not abuse/neglect or treat his step child differently from his own child was my uncle.

Even my own step father was abusive and another uncle was resentful the only son he had was his step son and not a biological one and cut his step son out when he wanted to know who his bio father was.

If we’re really going to stop ✋🏼 Parents moving in a partner too soon we need to value just how hard single parenting is and just how vulnerable single parents are financially.

Fully free fully funded childcare would go a long long way to address this issue.

I agree, but in this utterly heartbreaking, abominable case it could have been prevented, if only Arthur’s wider family had been listened to, if social workers had done their jobs properly, and if Arthur’s GP - who he disclosed his abuse to - had acted.

They should all be sacked, but I doubt anything will happen.

That poor, poor little boy. Any of us would have loved him, would have held him. May he Rest In Peace.

If I could get my hands on his Father and Stepmother I don’t think I could be restrained.

@OatALot

ONS says 'Around 4 in 10 (39%) of victims of physical abuse in their childhood were abused by their father. A further 29% were abused by their mother, 12% by a partner or previous partner and, 10% by step-father and 10% by another family member.'

Stop using this case to bash stepparents and lone parents.

Quite. Lots of step parents are amazing with their step kids. This is a tragic case where the authorities failed miserably. You seem to be suggesting that you can never live with another adult, unless they are the biological parent of your child.

Nobody thinks that a revolving door of people in and out of children's lives is a good thing but we need a balanced approach not extremes.

This is a case that shows that the chronic underfunding of social services is killing children.

This is a little boy who should have been high on their radar.

His mother was in prison for murder.
His father was living with a woman who had had two of her own children removed previously.
Reports had been made by various family members and nothing was done.

Yes, parents need to protect their children. However, society needs to protect the children that don’t have that safeguard and, once again, the system completely failed and the child took the fall of that.

As someone who was abusers and neglected as a young child, and utterly failed by social services inaction, it breaks my heart that once again it’s still not remotely close to being safe for children with shit parents because they safety net has more holes than a sieve.

I agree OP.
Although there is probably a degree of rose tinted spectacles people who abuse children don’t tend to go from 0-60 overnight.
There is that case in Nottingham where the man killed his girlfriend, her 2 children and one of the children’s friends. It’s now been alleged he raped the 11 year old first.
I find it very hard to believe that until that point he didn’t raise any concerns at all in that woman’s mind.

I think that too many people introduce too many partners to their kids too soon but twisting this is unfair. Should women never have kids because of abusive women hurting their kids?

As a pp said, contact with a crappy parent at any cost is not in the interest of kids. This policy is about preventing the other parent from suing imo and it's better not to know a crappy parent than have them in your life randomly.

You don't have to be alone, you can date. You don't need to live with someone

Of course you can but let's not pretend dating is the same as a relationship.

And being alone isn't some big hardship either, it's a bit sad if someone can't cope without a relationship

I don't think it's a case of not coping. What's wrong with wanting to share your life with someone? Nothing.

You're making it a oh no these poor weak women who need to rely on a man wah wah, it's not that for everyone, is it?

They simply meet someone they want to spend their life with. Most of the time, that's fine. Because most people aren't abusive child murderers.

It's not that simple though is it?
There's many happy safe homes with step parents who never hurt their partners children. There are also homes where children are harmed and abused by relatives
The problem is the violence, although I would agree that the choices parents make around their children's safety is crucial. As are the mechanisms to protect children when that doesn't happen.

I'm a solo mum because I was widowed young (DD was only 2). I'm certainly not in a rush to meet someone, and won't be in a rush to move in with them if I do, but I think a loving stepfather could add a great deal to my daughter's life, and I hope one day that happens. She will always come first, and that includes in any decision I make regarding our future living arrangements.

OP, YANBU

I have children, now adult, and a partner I've been with now for nearly 10 years. We don't live together and won't until my children leave home (or more likely I move out!) in a few years. We're lucky that we can afford to live separately, I think for a lot of people moving in together and blending families is financially motivated, and there is less thought than there should be given to the feelings of the children involved.

Blending families a la Brady Bunch all seems lovely. But when you're trying to squeeze 2 families into a standard house, kids are coming and going to other parents houses etc, it's hard to create a situation everyone is happy, content and safe with.

The thing is, children are more likely to be brought up in a loving home and stable environment if both parents are already in a commited relationship with each other (i.e. not boyfriend/girlfriend or casual 'dating'), and in a stable financial position.

As a society I think we need to stop encouraging people to have children outside of stable and secure relationships. E.g. having multiple kids from multiple flings is only going to end in disaster for the kids.

I’m on a single parents group on Facebook and it’s honestly shocking how many women take their children on dates!! First dates! As it’s “no different to meeting a friend” anyone who doesn’t agree gets muted from commenting people are very quick to introduce their kids to people they are newly dating

OP, I agree with you.
There are some absolutely lovely stepparents out there. But there are also some very dangerous people out there and you just don’t know who is who. As a single mum I’m not willing to take that chance.
Nothing wrong with dating and seeing someone, but that’s as far as I will go, if at all. I say all this as someone who used to be a stepparent myself.

I don’t think that poor little boy’s father gave a shit either way what his girlfriend was like with his son. He would have swiftly moved away from her and put his son first if he did care.

But in the case of Arthur and the other three children you’ve mentioned, the biological parent was involved in the abuse and prosecuted. It’s not like the partner moved in, started abusing the child and the parent realised they’d made a terrible mistake. They acted together. So a far more complicated issue than just, don’t move a partner in.

Yes, in this case the biological father was a willing participant in the vile abuse Arthur suffered and he has of course been convicted of manslaughter, even though he wasn’t present for the fatal attack on his son.

And as you say the complicity of a birth parent has been a feature of all the other hideous cases the OP mentions.

I have no idea why this is or what phenomenon causes a person to engage in joint abuse and torture of their own child with another person. But these cases are all far more complex than ‘don’t move a partner in’. Arthur’s father was happy to poison him with salt, starve him and leave him standing in the hallway for 14 hours a day - let’s not pretend he’d have been perfectly safe if only his stepmother hadn’t been on the scene.

Totally agree with this. I am horrified by the number of women on here who become pregnant so early in relationships and then have to pick up the pieces when the relationship goes wrong or the father turns out to be a prick.

Because everything's hunky dory after you get married is it? Never any abuse within marriages? A large number of abusive men start after the children arrive. A ring & piece of paper is no protection from an abusive prick.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

You don't have to be alone, you can date. You don't need to live with someone

Of course you can but let's not pretend dating is the same as a relationship.

And being alone isn't some big hardship either, it's a bit sad if someone can't cope without a relationship

I don't think it's a case of not coping. What's wrong with wanting to share your life with someone? Nothing.

You're making it a oh no these poor weak women who need to rely on a man wah wah, it's not that for everyone, is it?

They simply meet someone they want to spend their life with. Most of the time, that's fine. Because most people aren't abusive child murderers.

Most people aren't, no. But how do you know who is? I certainly wouldn't want to risk my child, for my own happiness.

Most people aren't, no. But how do you know who is? I certainly wouldn't want to risk my child, for my own happiness.

Well how did you know your child's dad wasn't before you decided to have a baby with him?

YABU because you are concentrating on parents getting a new partner forgetting that parents themselves can be just as bad.
You are also conveniently forgetting that partners can be really positive addition to a child’s life, emotionally, financially etc etc…

How many people have gone to forge relationship just as strong with with a step parent than with their parent?

Tbh you could also say that about any woman deciding to live with a man, seeing the number of women murdered by their partner. Are we also saying that women should never settle down with a ma either because you know, they can become abusive/murderer?

The solution isn’t to stop parents to ever settle down with a partner.
The answer is to educate, mainly men. And actually punish any man who is abusive, whether towards a child or an adult in their household.Atm they can often continue Wo even a slap on the hand (like it has been the case in this particular case)

@MrsBison

An even more unpopular opinion - people need to stick to having children whilst in commited relationships (ideally marriage). And actually taking their vows seriously.

You're on loads of threads today trying to stir up trouble with ridiculous inflammatory comments. Are you bored or something?