To think people really need to stop letting strangers live with their children

[PuttingOnTheKitsch]

Yet another child was murdered at the hands of a parent's "partner". There have been many, many cases of this happening, Daniel Pelka, Peter Connelley, Kyra Ishaq, the list is endless.

Yet, there will still be women on here, letting some random man move in with them and their child within six weeks and saying "Am I not allowed to have a life!?" if anyone points out that's a bad idea.

Men are just as bad, the step-parent's board was full of blokes who would dump their children on whichever woman they were seeing, while they carried on with their lives and the step mum would come on here and seethe at the poor behaviour of the children instead of understanding how distressing it must be for a young child to have a dad who foists you off on anyone.

Nobody died from not having a live-in partner.

If we truly want things to change, rather than shaking our fists at social workers, we need to look at ourselves as a wider society and stop expecting different results from the same poor behaviour.

I agree @ProudlyMarried.

But then that applies to choosing ANY partner, whether you have children or not etc….

[quote LostForIdeas]@Waxonwaxoff0, and that’s your choice.

What isn’t right is saying that it should be everyone choice because not doing so is somehow wrong…. Unsafe for the child etc….[/quote]
What people choose to do is their choice, of course. But my opinion is that it's very rarely a good choice, and I won't change my mind on that. Same as plenty of other choices that people make.

@DottyHarmer, I imagine we should never have a babysitter either then? Which is what that guy was.

No one is condemning single women to a life of celibacy, @LostForIdeas , but statistically a child is more likely to come to harm at the hands of a step-parent (as opposed to their natural parent) and, more to the point, a sensible person would not move a bf/gf in after five minutes and then procreate. Everyone I know who is divorced takes incredible care about introducing their dcs to someone. A revolving door of partners and new dcs must be at best extremely unsettling for any dcs and at worst unsafe.

@bg92

I agree with every word you've written

I've been a single parent for almost 2 years and I've never even dreamt of having a man over when my children are in bed, let alone when they're awake or moving someone in

It's fucking vile actually and I don't care who I offend, if you have a sexual partner over when your children are in bed you are gross.

Your home should be your childrens safe place.

See we are in the minority in this, I have been single for 5 years, I am a lone parent so my children are with me daily, I would like to date but I can’t because I’m with my children full time, the amount of people that suggest bringing a man over whilst their in bed or say that’s what they do is unbelievable along with the bringing them on dates as it’s “just a walk” I mean wtf

That 'endless' list has three children on it. All utter, appalling - and preventable - tragedies.

The 'endless' list the one of the blended families that actually work not badly. Not perfectly - but non-blended families aren't perfect either.

YABU

Yep it is awful.

The DC murders which have happened over the last few years have mother's involvement solely or with her new partner.

Are more women killing DC.

Im with those that prioritise their children and keep partners (if there is one) out of the picture until children are older. I want them to be able to have one home that is stable and reliable with no curve balls thrown in from time to time to change the dynamic.
I can wait and as history has shown im not the best at picking a decent man, but that is his fault not mine.
I took my vows seriously...unfortunately my ex didnt.
I was married for 4 years before having children and we both worked full time...i still do.

@TurnUpTurnip I'm in the exact same boat. It makes it impossible to date but I'd rather be single knowing my children are safe than have a stranger over when my kids are sleeping.

Someone suggested that to me too, my reaction was the same as yours.

Our time will come when our children are older, atleast you'll know you've done the right thing by them

But who chooses random men as babysitters? I can’t imagine I’d ever be so desperate to go out that I’d leave my child with an unknown bloke. I wouldn’t leave my dog with anyone without a thorough check.

Yes because biological parents NEVER abuse or murder their children.

I don't think anyone on the thread has said single women should remain single forever, so that's a bit of a straw man argument. I'm a widow with teenagers and no way would it be in their interests to move someone else in. Doesn't mean I have to be alone forever and no one has suggested that

@PicsInRed

I agree. I also think any hostility from a step parent towards either child or the child's other parent should be seen as a safeguarding concern in child proceedings.

Agree!!

I agree completely OP. It astounds me reading threads on here how willing some people seem to be to bring new adults into their kids’ homes. I can’t imagine any time that my dating bar would be higher than when I have small kids yet some people seem so desperate to wheel in the next dad for their children and prove how close they all are. I don’t even think I would date at all beyond the point of casual dinners away from our home and with zero contact or involvement with my children. I say that as the daughter of a divorced mother who took exactly that approach. She was imperfect in many ways but I am forever grateful that as a teenage girl my safe space at home was never one invaded by an unknown or unrelated male because she was dating him. I was never forced to blend with other unrelated kids and I had stability.

There are so many posters on here that take views like this as a personal attack on them but honestly I think the rate of ‘blended families’ we are now has a lot to answer for. Children need a stable home with their parents or parent, not to be ‘blended’. If you dare express the opinion that the child’s new step parent may not in fact be the best thing that ever happened to them you get shouted down because people are defensive but it’s the truth. Yes some are families work well but most seem to be a car crash to varying degrees in which the kids always suffer. Only the extreme cases make the news but we should think about the issue more generally, for sure.

Little Arthur's father managed to have not just one murdering partner, but two. The poor little boy really didn't stand a chance with that man in charge of his care.

@Ponoka7

"It seems that posters in MN are happy to condemn any single woman to a life of celibacy just because said partner could be abusive."

That's not what is being said. It should be well down the line that you move someone in and even further that they are in sole charge.

Correct. It's why all these comments about wanting single parents to be "alone forever" are ludicrous.

As for the "happy blended families in my circle", you don't know what goes on in other people's homes.

Someone on here was living with a man who would scream at her young children when they went to the toilet at night. She thought we were overreacting when we said that wasn't ok.

Or a colleague I had who seemed to think her partner not liking her ten-year-old son sitting next to her on the sofa and calling him a baby for it was no big deal. That's the sort of crap that happens. Not SS worthy, not likely to lead to death, but just a horrible way for a child to live.

@MrsBison

An even more unpopular opinion - people need to stick to having children whilst in commited relationships (ideally marriage). And actually taking their vows seriously.

From the standpoint of a therapist, this is the ideal - however there are also many committed marriages that are dysfunctional.

Working with small children I have seen a few cases when the mum moved the new boyfriend in he is a lovely man bonds with the child and then they split up,and because the man is not the child's father he has no right to see the child again. We had one little boy who suffered the equivalent of a bereavement.

[quote bg92]@TurnUpTurnip I'm in the exact same boat. It makes it impossible to date but I'd rather be single knowing my children are safe than have a stranger over when my kids are sleeping.

Someone suggested that to me too, my reaction was the same as yours.

Our time will come when our children are older, atleast you'll know you've done the right thing by them [/quote]
That’s how I feel, unless I have time away from my children I would never date, I would never bring anyone here with my children here, it’s been 5 years and yes it gets lonely but my children are more important.

As for he was a babysitter really a random man you just met? I’ve never personally used a babysitter that wasn’t family I would rather not go out but that’s just me 🤷‍♀️

And i wont have a lodger for that reason either, so not just about partners

@christmaskittenincoming

Agree OP

Far too many out there not putting the children 1st, I have been ripped to shreds on here for suggesting that parents should really stop and think before moving a new partner in. A divorce/separation is exceptionally difficult for children to cope with without mum/dad jamming an unknown adult into the already disrupted childhood.

Why can't they just date, why the frantic need to have another adult living with them, then of course the need to 'gift' the new partner with a baby of their own

What an absolutely ridiculous comment. 'Gifting' a baby....wtf. Just because you have a child with one person doesn't mean you should never be able to find happiness with another person and go on to have a child if you want to. You could marry someone, have a child and THEN find out that they are abusive. It's not exclusive to second marriages/relationships 😏

To those saying single mothers should never date again- does that also apply to the fathers? Or is just the women who should martyr themselves?

@Confusedteacher

To those saying single mothers should never date again- does that also apply to the fathers? Or is just the women who should martyr themselves?

Again, read my OP. I mention fathers and their fondness for parcelling off their children onto whoever they are dating at the time. Plenty of tales on the step parenting board of fathers who never actually parent their child being the root of all problems.

Nobody died from not having a live-in partner.

You seem to be implying that it takes two to murder a child. Lone parents abuse and murder their children as well.

Dylan Freeman killed by lone mother during lockdown

Melina, one, Leonie, two, Sophie, three, Timo, six, and eight-year-old Luca K killed by mother after seeing her ex in a photo with the OW

Joanna, 3; Terry, 2; and Sierra, 6 months Carrillo killed by mother to protect them from abuse (ex was due to visit them day after they died).

Pierce O'Loughlin, 9 Shot by his father due to bitter custody battle between the parents.

Zimmer kids, 10 and 13 shot by father before he set house on fire and shot himself.

If people suspect any potential new partner could potentially be abusive, did you also think that about the person you chose to have kids with?