To think people really need to stop letting strangers live with their children

[PuttingOnTheKitsch]

Yet another child was murdered at the hands of a parent's "partner". There have been many, many cases of this happening, Daniel Pelka, Peter Connelley, Kyra Ishaq, the list is endless.

Yet, there will still be women on here, letting some random man move in with them and their child within six weeks and saying "Am I not allowed to have a life!?" if anyone points out that's a bad idea.

Men are just as bad, the step-parent's board was full of blokes who would dump their children on whichever woman they were seeing, while they carried on with their lives and the step mum would come on here and seethe at the poor behaviour of the children instead of understanding how distressing it must be for a young child to have a dad who foists you off on anyone.

Nobody died from not having a live-in partner.

If we truly want things to change, rather than shaking our fists at social workers, we need to look at ourselves as a wider society and stop expecting different results from the same poor behaviour.

@RubyTuesday70

That's terrible 😞

And I think unfortunately this is what happens and so many parents put their own needs, wants and happiness above the children.

I just could never risk that.

While I definitely agree with the OP, I'm flabbergasted by the poster who said abuse is less common in church-going families! Child abuse is rife within religious communities. That's not exactly a secret, is it?

Is that really what the poster said @Radziwill?

Agree with you. You get some stupid people out there, incapable of putting their child first.
I have a neurosurgeon friend. He has had to patch up the child victims of 'stepfathers' more than once

Here's the quote, @Hotelhelp:

Youre right, theres always a chance of picking a wrong/bad/abusive partner. But isnt it less likely to be the case if both you and your partner are both married 1st time, working, have a stable family house, no baggage, and church going (as an example). Opposed to say switching from boyfriend to boyfriend every year?

Wow! That’s not what I thought it was going to say. Thanks for that.

I often seen on here women encouraged to get into relationships because ‘they need to feel loved too’

I know women who have invited men they hardly know around for sex when their children are asleep. I’m astounded that anyone thinks this is ok

This is when I summon my spirit animal "the one and only Cher" whilst I sit on my lone parent step.

Jane Pauley: “You said, ‘a man is not a necessity. A man is a luxury.’”
Cher: “Like dessert, yeah. A man is absolutely not a necessity.”
Jane Pauley: “Did you mean that to sound mean and bitter?”
Cher: “Not at all! I adore dessert, I love men. I think men are the coolest. But you don’t really need them to live. My mom said to me, ‘you know sweetheart, one day you should settle down and marry a rich man.’ And I said, ‘Mom – I am a rich man.’”

I don't need a man in my life, I run my own home, me and my DS are safe and our home is our home. Yes now and again I'll indulge in dessert but I don't need to involve my son in that.

Oooh I like that very much @Gwrach! I’ve never heard it before.

I think there is a happy medium between "I am not dating till my child goes to uni" vs "having a series of strange men bouncing in and out of my child's life."

Single parents should IMO take dating very cautiously, keeping any dates well away from their kids for a long time.
If you think you are pretty close to 100% committed for the long run, try introducing each other.
If you are getting engaged, move in together.

The education needs to start in school. The PHSE classes (or whatever they are called these days) need to do a lot more to empower young women to value themselves more. To get away from this desperate need to breed with the first loser that shows them affection (sex) .
.. and the very mistaken belief that 'if I have his baby he will love me' .. (he won't of course and she will simply move on to the next unsuitable waster - this time with a kid in tow) .. I work in this field . It's relentlessly depressing . Some kids have had 5 or 6 'step dads' before they e got to school..

Unfortunately, I think we've reached the point where it's difficult for school classes to really give girls truthful information about the risks of random coupling, parenting-while-cohabiting and other stuff. Because a high percentage of the school kids' parents are basically doing these things, and nobody wants to come across as judgmental or as criticizing kids' parents.

It’s a tricky one. I think it’s probably best presented with facts/stats. Things like when you have a child the best outcomes for your child are when X,Y & Z conditions are present (like mum being educated, mum working, parents being married etc) and showing them the stats to back it up. I’m well aware (now) that my DC are statistically (and in reality) at a disadvantage because they have no father or father figure in their lives compared to children who are raised by both parents. But that was never something that was spelled out to us growing up. No one ever drew us the picture. There were lectures about being married before babies. But that was it. And I rolled my eyes. I reckon if we’d had lessons on the actual impact on my child of me being a teen mum and not in a long term committed relationship and also the impact of having DC young and alone on my earning potential, I’d have probably made smarter choices.

I work in this field . It's relentlessly depressing . Some kids have had 5 or 6 'step dads' before they e got to school..

Well I’d like to see what socio economic class these parents are from.
NOT for bashing lower income parents but because the reality is that living as a couple is much cheaper and easier than living as a single parent. I think it’s very easy to dismiss those issues and assume it’s because women feel they have to have a man in their life or can’t cope with being alone. It’s a very simplistic view of the world really.

@DdraigGoch

He won't even acknowledge publicly how many of them he has.

Maybe because he can't. There may be court orders in place to protect the anonymity of the child.

Lol!!!!

@BertramLacey

and complain about his mother of course.

Tbf, if someone said 'my stepchild's mother is doing time for murder', I would express a certain amount of concern for the situation.

How ironic.

His mother killed an adult who abused her.

His stepmother killed him: a 6 year old boy.

Not even in the same realm.

@KylieKoKo

I think that if she had posted to the step parenting forum she would have been told that his behaviour was due to trauma and that she should not be dealing with it herself. She would have been told to seek professional help and support and to consider walking away. Perhaps if she had done this Arthur would still be alive.

Nope. Because on that forum it's always the fault of the horrible kids getting in the way of the step parent's romantic desires or delusions of a nuclear family that ignores, or ideally obliterates, the existence of the step children.

My ex didn’t understand why I objected to him calling his long-distance girlfriend of a few months (who he still has never met because of the borders closing) “DS’s stepmum”.

@Mumoblue wtaf?!? That's insane.

@LondonWolf

P2: I so agree. I am a single parent and I have sewn my vagina shut until my children are 18.

What a grim turn of phrase…

Why is it even acceptable to say that? Ok I will say the opposite.

“All these pathetic women who can’t live without a man and foist them onto their powerless kids…”

See. That’s ok isn’t it?

The poster clearly hadn't grasped that it's possible to have sex, or even a relationship, without forcing your children to live with your new partner and disrupting their home. 🙄

[quote Confusedteacher]@Skyll I’m not saying you are, but many posters seem to be suggesting that lone parents should be content to “shag around” rather than try to pursue an actual relationship. The implication being that we’re not good enough for / can’t expect to have one.[/quote]
You can pursue a relationship with someone without moving them into your children's home!!

I put YABU because most abuse occurs within blood relations and close family. Many women save their children from abuse by leaving a violent home, sometimes to another partner who is better than the biological father.

If most abuse occurred with step parents/strangers/live in people, then you might have a point, but it doesn’t.

That said, you should be careful as a parent about your husband, the child’s father, your child’s uncles, grandparents and any local figures in authority like sports, teachers and clergyman. That is where abuse occurs.

I think they should teach about abuse, safeguarding in a much bigger way in schools and throw kind of everything at it. Support parents to leave. Harder on any signs of neglect or abuse. Raise awareness, particularly with kids so that the cycle of abuse is broken.

The poster clearly hadn't grasped that it's possible to have sex, or even a relationship, without forcing your children to live with your new partner and disrupting their home. 🙄

If you go back to the original post, I was parodying what other people were saying, not saying how I felt. I am well aware of the fact that one can have a serious, committed, relationship with someone without moving in together. So aware, that I for several years now I have been in a relationship with someone who has DC and I haven't moved in with him because it is better for them. We do spend time together as a family, but we do not live together.

@LostForIdeas

I work in this field . It's relentlessly depressing . Some kids have had 5 or 6 'step dads' before they e got to school..

Well I’d like to see what socio economic class these parents are from.
NOT for bashing lower income parents but because the reality is that living as a couple is much cheaper and easier than living as a single parent. I think it’s very easy to dismiss those issues and assume it’s because women feel they have to have a man in their life or can’t cope with being alone. It’s a very simplistic view of the world really.

I think it’s less to do with living expenses, more to do with the self worth of women from those backgrounds. They often feel they need a man to get by as there isn’t really much else going on to validate their self worth for instance a busy, demanding career.

Bit of a patronising view there