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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not wanting to use a dummy with DC?

221 replies

21dolly · 01/12/2021 07:57

I never used a dummy with DD because I didn't see any reason too. She had a bit of reflux when she was a baby but that settled quite quickly with gripe water and so on.
DP always wanted to use a dummy as he said 'that's just what you do with babies.'
We always had comments from his side of the family like 'why doesn't she have a dummy' and blah blah blah.

I'm currently pregnant again and DP is ADAMANT he wants this baby to have a dummy. I personally don't see the obsession with a dummy as some babies are able to be soothed without one (no judgment for parents who choose to use dummies btw and I'd definitely use one if I felt it would help DC!)

I really don't understand the dummy thing and why he's pushing for it so much without DC even being born yet. I'm not sure what I'm actually asking but I just thought I'd come on MN to hear opinions and see if I'm missing something here!

OP posts:
Strokethefurrywall · 01/12/2021 20:17

@colourfulpuddles - winner of the “Sanctimonious Twat” race goes to you. Here’s your medal 🏅

VestaTilley · 01/12/2021 20:20

Don’t do it if you don’t want to. We never did it with DS.

It’s not advised if you want to breastfeed as it causes nipple confusion. I never wanted to end up with an older child still walking around with a dummy, and I was worried about the impact on speech and teeth too.

IWasFunBeforeMum · 01/12/2021 20:22

Neither of mine did and both fine at 3 and 2 years old. I see some kids at nursery at nearly 4 still using them!

Fet2021duejuly2022 · 01/12/2021 20:25

I tried to give my daughter a dummy but she hated it so never had one 😂 some babies like them some don’t. Either way it’s no big deal. People make too much fuss of these things

Daisy95 · 02/12/2021 08:08

@21dolly just to clarify I didn't mean judgment by you, I meant in the replies to post in general

fakereview · 02/12/2021 09:03

My ds never had a dummy. I can't see why you'd bother with one if you didn't need to as you then don't have the problem of trying to wean them off it. And you don't have to get up in the middle of the night to pop it back in when they lose it.

Your second child might need one, but I don't know why your DH is so keen to introduce it when it might not be needed.

Fleshmechanic · 02/12/2021 09:03

Both my babies found their thumbs very quickly. Nature's dummy and self soother.

stairgates · 02/12/2021 09:13

Some of mine did, some didnt. My finger/thumb suckers were always the ones picking up threadworms at nursery so that was annoying. But I will say that what I 100% noticed was that when I introduced a dummy, then got to a point of putting it in my mouth to hold while I did up clothes or to wash it off if it had fallen in the carseat then that was exactly the time that they got reflux! Some adults, including me and DH, carry a bug in their own belly which I swear the babies belly cant handle causing constant vomiting. With my last I was obsessed with nobody putting the dummy in their mouth or kissing baby on the lips, then at 16 weeks DH said its ok he will be on food soon and placed the feckin dummy in his mouth then to babies, que months of vomiting. So whatever you choose do not put it on your mouth :)

Arethechildreninbedyet · 02/12/2021 10:05

@colourfulpuddles

YANBU. People give babies dummies to shut them up and all they do is mask what the real issue is, affect their speech development and ruin their teeth.

But we were EBF so I was all the comfort my baby needed and I didn’t want to shove a dummy in her mouth just so I could put her down and bugger off.

I had a dummy until nearly four. Started speaking at a normal age and never shut the fuck up now, have never had a filling or braces and have excellent dental structure according to my dentist. I was also exclusively breast fed. Your logic is therefore flawed.

Exact same story for my sister’s children who are also absolutely perfect developmentally.

I can offer you a step stool if you ever want to climb down from your ivory tower?

Marmite27 · 02/12/2021 10:10

My first didn’t have one, as they didn’t need one.

My second was prem and they’re actually recommended for prem babies. We tried with out, but after a mammoth 5 hour feed when she was ill around 4 months I couldn’t stand having her latched anymore so she was given a dummy. As she had an older sibling I was also concerned she’d Walker her up in the night so the dummy helped with that too.

Lots of people I know have not had them for their first, but have for their second, mainly to do with not disturbing the first!

Iamkmackered1979 · 02/12/2021 10:27

If you don’t want a dummy op don’t use one. They don’t need to be in all day just for sleeping/soothing 3 of 4 of mine had them and especially when they were over tired or unwell they were a godsend. Also no dodgy teeth or speech issues with any of my boys. Eldest sucked his thumb.

People don’t need to be judged for using them, no one is saying put it in and walk away ignoring baby. But for some people they are really helpful, fractious babies, babies with complex needs, prem babies - my son got one in NICU, and for parents who are sleep deprived and struggling there’s plenty more reasons.

My sisters kids didn’t have dummies, that was her choice I think they might have been thumb suckers but all wore little mitts.
She didn’t judge me, i didn’t try to force dummies on to her, we made our own parenting choices. I don’t know what the solution is op, if your husband wants them, have you asked why? I’d wait and see, meet baby and see how things go be open to it but if you are happy without one then fine if not that’s ok too.

Iamnotminterested · 02/12/2021 10:40

@stairgates

Oh God, people giving a dummy to a baby after they've inexplicably just had it in theirs makes me want to hurl.

And (mainly older) people calling them 'dirty dummies' also gets on my tits.

GrrrlPwr · 02/12/2021 10:43

Well it's up to the baby really!
Some just spit them out!

Plus a dummy is a fake nipple. So if it's a breastfed baby it should be on the boob, not sucking and getting nothing.

avocadotofu · 02/12/2021 10:45

I didn't use one personally, I breastfed and it just never seemed necessary to us. I don't really have a problem if people use them it just wasn't for us.

TurquoiseDress · 02/12/2021 10:47

YANBU. People give babies dummies to shut them up and all they do is mask what the real issue is, affect their speech development and ruin their teeth. But we were EBF so I was all the comfort my baby needed and I didn’t want to shove a dummy in her mouth just so I could put her down and bugger off

Wow, what a helpful, non-judgemental post Hmm

Merryhobnobs · 02/12/2021 10:48

Those people saying 'I don't like dummies, I dislike seeing toddlers with them' 'Why do people use them'. Please stop judging. We stated pre kids we would never use a dummy. Had our first who was colicky and screamed all the time. The dummy gave her comfort. It saved our sanity. We had 2/3 nights of upset when we took it away but she adjusted fine and her teeth and speech are just fine. We use a dummy with our second too. I don't love dummies but I see them as a tool, much the same way some people love slings, or white noise, or whatever. Each child is different. Stop being so judgemental.

OP your husband should maybe calm down with being so adamant before your baby is born. It may be a baby who benefits from one, it may not be, open minded is the way to go.

Capferret · 02/12/2021 10:49

I bf and the midwife recommended a dummy for ds because he wanted to suck all the time and I got mastitis.
He only had it at nap time though.
Dd wasn't interested and sucked her thumb.
A much more difficult habit to break imo.

flamebuoy · 02/12/2021 10:55

@colourfulpuddles I exclusively breastfed my babies...one had a dummy! His speech is no worse than his sisters...your "theory" is pure shite!

IsabelHerna · 02/12/2021 10:57

Interesting thread, as I never even thought this being a thing, I kinda always took it for granted. Looks like I have a lot of reading and preparing to do.

HoppingPavlova · 02/12/2021 10:57

Different needs for different kids. We didn’t give it to ours that didn’t need a dummy to settle. However, without fail each of ours that didn’t use a dummy became chronic long-term thumb suckers starting early. Whereas the one with dummies didn’t swap to thumbs when made to give the dummies up around 2yo. Can’t make a child give their thumb up! Also, the thumb-suckers all had significantly more orthodontic work than those who had a dummy. Not sure if that’s a general thing or just confined to my lot?

HoppingPavlova · 02/12/2021 11:00

YANBU. People give babies dummies to shut them up and all they do is mask what the real issue is, affect their speech development and ruin their teeth. But we were EBF so I was all the comfort my baby needed and I didn’t want to shove a dummy in her mouth just so I could put her down and bugger off

What a ridiculous post. I breastfed mine and some had dummies, some didntConfused. A boob is not an ‘instead’ of a dummy itemConfused.

HoppingPavlova · 02/12/2021 11:03

Also, no difference in speech development between mine (apart from one with disability) so no one would have been able to distinguish which of them had dummies and which didn’t.

LivingTheLifeofMum · 02/12/2021 11:25

If the child likes and is comforted by a dummy, I have no issue. Some children take to them and some don't. My eldest didn't but my youngest did and my youngest has the best milk teeth out of the two of them.

Due to give birth with DC3 and have bought a few dummies in case they are needed. I don't know what the big fuss is about them either way!

appleturnovers · 02/12/2021 11:27

This is so weird.

We gave my DD a dummy at 2 months as she started the initial stages of teething very early on and kept wanting to gnaw on our fingers all day long. But then when she was about 7 months she just stopped of her own accord, just started rejecting it when we tried to give it to her.

There are all sorts of reasons for using a dummy, but I can't think why on earth you would give a baby a dummy when there's no actual reason to. Not all babies need or want them. Not all babies are comforted by them. Some babies refuse to take them at all. If dummies were essential for all babies then we'd be born with them in our mouths.

Some downsides of dummies: if you leave the house without it you're f*ed. They are always falling on the floor and getting dirty (even if you have a clip). You have to keep sterilising them. It's just a constant faff.

Again, nothing wrong with them if for whatever reason you have a problem that a dummy solves, but it's really weird to insist on getting one "just because that's what people do" when you haven't even met the baby yet! It'd be like carrying around a walking stick everywhere you go when you have no problems walking. Just bizarre.

Notbornwithit · 02/12/2021 11:32

It’s just a way of comforting them that doesn’t require your input. Dd1 wouldn’t entertain one but dd2 loves hers snd is in general more contended. Also proved useful as a stopper at the crawling and putting everything in mouth stage ( including picking the carpet fibres out). My siblings and I all had dummies and teeth and speech are fine