In not wanting to use a dummy with DC?

[21dolly]

I never used a dummy with DD because I didn't see any reason too. She had a bit of reflux when she was a baby but that settled quite quickly with gripe water and so on.
DP always wanted to use a dummy as he said 'that's just what you do with babies.'
We always had comments from his side of the family like 'why doesn't she have a dummy' and blah blah blah.

I'm currently pregnant again and DP is ADAMANT he wants this baby to have a dummy. I personally don't see the obsession with a dummy as some babies are able to be soothed without one (no judgment for parents who choose to use dummies btw and I'd definitely use one if I felt it would help DC!)

I really don't understand the dummy thing and why he's pushing for it so much without DC even being born yet. I'm not sure what I'm actually asking but I just thought I'd come on MN to hear opinions and see if I'm missing something here!

DS is 8 months and has a dummy for bed time and naps. He spits it out in his sleep once he's been asleep for about 20 minutes, sometimes he'll wake up wanting it and we'll put it back in to settle him off again but usually, he spits it out and it stays out. He's never wanted one during the day because he's too busy shouting/ chatting/ singing away to himself.

I couldnt breastfeed due to inadequate breast tissue (PCOS) so when we were readmitted to hospital after DS dropped 15% of his body weight, the nurses suggested a dummy to help soothe DS after feeds to get him to sleep. He couldnt latch to me at all (combination of my lack of breast tissue and his severe tongue tie) so once he'd had a decent bottle/ cup/ tube feed he'd have the dummy to settle him off and it was honestly the best thing we ever did. I stopped fighting a hungry/ tired baby in need of comfort and was able to cuddle my baby close to me, his head on my breast with a dummy in his mouth instead of him routing constantly and fighting to be able to take my rubbish nipples.

As a parent of a newborn back out of hospital, I was absolutely gutted when my MIL commented on his dummy with 'ohhh i hate seeing a tiny baby with a dummy' because it made me feel like such a terrible mother. I couldnt feed or soothe my baby with my own body and that was devastating enough without a reminder that the world was going to think i gave him a dummy for convenience.

The comment on here that 'most people dont let their babies suckle for comfort so use a dummy' is EXACTLY the attitude im talking about - piss the pissing piss OFF with that holier than thou shitty judgemental arsiness - it's just awful for mothers like me who dont have bodies that can feed or comfort their children.

OP, your baby might like a dummy, or might not. A dummy is much better than an unsettled, unhappy child. Equally, DH insisting on one pre-birth is weird. Maybe have a conversation where you say you're open to using a dummy if you BOTH think it will help settle the baby?

**Absolute ghastly things

So much judgement in this thread!
Dummies are not ghastly. No more so than iPads or magic stars and haribo, or bloody manky comforters that you see kids dragging around on the floor.

I hate how these threads always descend into “I’m a better parent because my baby happened to not need a dummy”

There is actual research that shows they reduce sids. And they actually aren’t difficult to remove at all. And if used appropriately they have no impact on teeth. I don’t really care if you use one or not, but stop being so fucking horrible to other parents just trying to get through the day.

Not aimed at you at all OP, because actually your DH reason for wanting a dummy in advance of baby being born sounds ludicrous!

@colourfulpuddles

YANBU. People give babies dummies to shut them up and all they do is mask what the real issue is, affect their speech development and ruin their teeth.

But we were EBF so I was all the comfort my baby needed and I didn’t want to shove a dummy in her mouth just so I could put her down and bugger off.

I couldn't breastfeed. My milk didn't come in at all, my baby didn't urinate for an entire day because he wasn't getting anything. And he suffered badly with reflux and colic and a dummy helped with that. But yeah I just didn't breastfeed and used a dummy so I could put him down and bugger off . Can you tell past me that held him solidly for 3 months that I could have done that please.

As the ‘ghastly’ comment demonstrates, there’s a lot of snobbery about dummies.

Personally I wouldn’t use one for nighttime sleep as they can be more disruptive when they fall out, but I think they are a useful part of your baby-soothing toolkit and, as some have pointed out, are demonstrably beneficial for some conditions.

My breastfed baby had no problems with latch, so I introduced bottle, dummy etc around 1 week. She had moved on to chewing toys & lost interest in the dummy by 7-8 months, but until then we used it for car journeys and the pram as it helped her settle (and I felt no desire to be comfort-breastfeeding her in those situations). In the early days we also used it in the evenings to help us through the witching hour(s).

If she hadn’t lost interest we would have found a way to gradually wean her off around 1 year, just as I did with breastfeeding.

Spitting it out is often a reflex btw, if you tap or wiggle the dummy once it’s in their mouth they start sucking.

@colourfulpuddles bullshit and judgemental.

I often wonder if people who ‘EBF’ get so prissy about dummies, bottles, formula etc because they can’t accept they may have martyred themselves unnecessarily.

I often wonder if people who ‘EBF’ get so prissy about dummies, bottles, formula etc because they can’t accept they may have martyred themselves unnecessarily.
No bullshit or judgement here though…

[quote AudHvamm]@colourfulpuddles bullshit and judgemental.

I often wonder if people who ‘EBF’ get so prissy about dummies, bottles, formula etc because they can’t accept they may have martyred themselves unnecessarily.[/quote]
Wow!

I didn't use one for my daughter. I don't see the need at all. Nevermind what his family says. It's your baby.

Ok I'll bite. You'll never know if your child would get comfort from one if you never get it out of the packet, and it's very normal for babies to get comfort from sucking.

There are tonnes of things babies have that older children mostly don't. It would be ludicrous to decide not to BF your newborn, or not to give a sippy cup to your 9 month old, or not to use baby sleeping bags, in case they still want them it 4. The only difference with dummies is the snobbery.

@colourfulpuddles don’t be so patronising and ridiculous.

In hospital the midwives said it was impossible for me to breastfeed so I spent a year attached to a breast pump instead. The inability to breastfeed plus terrible colic meant we used a dummy. Why wouldn’t we give something to our daughter that could soothe her, before we used the dummy we’d walk up and down our hall for hours while she cried. They also help to reduce SIDS in babies that aren’t directly breastfed.

She did start saying meaningful words at seven months though (I.e pointing at animals in books and identifying them) and now at 16 months regularly talks in two word sentences and uses verbs. The vast majority of parents use orthodontic dummies at bedtime only. Research shows that delays aren’t linked to dummy use, and that speech errors are linked with heavy dummy use in the day, not a delay - up to date peer reviewed research for that onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/1460-6984.12605

@colourfulpuddles

YANBU. People give babies dummies to shut them up and all they do is mask what the real issue is, affect their speech development and ruin their teeth.

But we were EBF so I was all the comfort my baby needed and I didn’t want to shove a dummy in her mouth just so I could put her down and bugger off.

Sanctimonious twat

Sanctimonious twat indeed.

We used dummies with our eldest two and it was a nightmare getting them to give it up especially DD2. Although thankfully no teeth problems.
Youngest refused a dummy and I'm glad as he's 18 months and so strong willed it would probably be a nightmare taking it away.
Why use a dummy if a baby doesn't need want it?
Dig out some research on the bad affects of dummies and ask if that's what he wants for his child.

Dummies are a tool. They have some advantages - they are very soothing to babies, who want nothing more than to suck as newborns. Breastfed babies often satisfy this urge by cluster feeding. Dummies can fill the gap for formula fed babies, and give breastfeeding mothers a bit of a break. They have also been shown to reduce the risk of SIDS.

They can also be linked to speech delay and incorrect jaw development, but these risks are easily mitigated by keeping dummies for sleeping and weaning babies off them when they start to speak.

It's silly to make a decision either way before your baby is born. You might have a contented baby who doesn't want to suck, or who sucks their own thumb. You might have a baby with terrible reflux who cries constantly unless sucking a dummy. So neither you nor your husband are right, because it's silly to have a determined idea about something which depends entirely on the kind of baby you have.

Neither of mine would take one, so may not be something you get to decide.

DD2 started sucking the corners of her muslins when she was about 3 months old, and I have to say it was amazing. You only had to waft a muslin in her general direction and she'd fall asleep 😄. Gave them up a little before her 3rd bday.
DD1 refused any sort of comforter - even used to throw cuddly toys out of the bed before she went to sleep.

As a child I sucked my fingers resulting in terrible teeth, deformed fingers, germs from unclean hands and a brace. My parents tried everything to stop me sucking my fingers including coating my fingers in tobasco. I wanted to use dummies so I could control the use of a comforter and not ruin my children’s teeth… I was petrified of having a thumb or finger sucker and you can’t take fingers and thumbs away! Both mine have up their comforters at 2 years old.

First child I really didn't want to use a dummy but ended up doing so because she liked it. She had it at night and when she turned one we just took it away and didn't seem to care at all. Second time round I've actively encouraged a dummy because they're comforting and helpful to calm them! They're just not a big deal basically.

@hotmeatymilk
Haha, fair. colourfulpuddles post was a particularly nasty example of the genre though

So neither you nor your husband are right, because it's silly to have a determined idea about something which depends entirely on the kind of baby you have.

I never said, 'I absolutely refuse to give a dummy to our second baby as I'm so against it' or whatever. So I'm not sure where you got the idea of me being determined from. As another poster said, I'm actually very neutral to the idea especially as I tried it with my DD when she was a bit younger.
I just don't understand DPs obsession with both kids needing the dummy. That's all

With DC1, we dutifully didn't give a dummy till 6 weeks to establish breastfeeding as per midwife advice. He was absolutely glued to me, feeding, not just for the first few months (fourth trimester stuff) but he fed during the night till 2. Part of me was happy to do it but it would have been SO useful to shove a dummy in from time to time! I tried lots of other sleep techniques but none worked. A dummy would have also been handy for the childminder and others who looked after him when he was a bit older. He either fed to sleep or had to be pushed in the buggy for naps and bedtime and in the night.

DC2 had a dummy from birth. She is definitely just a totally different child so that has some bearing on things but the dummy has helped also imo. DC1 was fairly extreme in the non sleeping stakes and didn't properly sleep through till he went to school. I think he always would have preferred to suck on me but it would have been so helpful in certain situations if he had taken a dummy. Looking back, I was really a zombie for over 2 years with him and found it hard to focus on things due to the disturbed sleep. I also think with DC2, it helped DP to feel involved and that there was something he could do which in turn made me feel more supported. We only give the dummy at nap/night time, not during the day to keep her quiet. Although now she has started nursery, they've used it a little if she's feeling a bit emotional (they're reducing it now she is more settled though). It does often fall out in the night and she can now find it and shove it back in if she needs it. I'm hoping to get rid once she's 1 or so.

You have to do what's right for you and it may be your baby won't even take one but wanted to give a few positives for dummies based on my experience.

Lol at all the snobbery about dummies. Some people use them, some don't. Either option is fine, it’s a totally personal choice.

Risk for teeth, reduces risk for SIDs etc. There is no clear right or wrong.

We use one for our daughter and it gives her huge comfort, she sleeps so much better and then splits it out once settled. We will take it away from her as she gets a bit older. Why sit with a crying baby for an hour when they will go to sleep in five minutes with a dummy? Not worth it for anyone involved!

Could not give a fuck what anyone else thinks. My SIL didn’t give a dummy to her son because her mum gave her so much shit for it, he struggles to settle and would clearly benefit from one. And yes, he is EBF so it isn’t that he isn’t getting comfort from his mum. It’s a real shame people allow their judgment to influence other people’s baby raising decisions.

I'm ok with using a dummy as it's just to get my baby off to sleep and then he spits it out, I'm sure he'll grow out of needing it. It's a lifesaver sometimes as it really helps him go off to sleep quickly as well as using a comforter.
Different story if they're sucking on it all the time.. that's probably when it could badly impact their speech/teeth

I didn’t use a dummy for either of mine and my main reason was that I was worried they would refuse to sleep without it and would constantly wake up when it fell out of their mouth at night and that I’d be constantly woken up to put it back in

I ebf both my boys and used a pacifier for both to help them settle.

DS1 took one from a month, DS2 was such a sucky baby that he had one about 9 hours after he was born! He could suck milk out of a rock, that kid.

Both slept well, both nursed well, neither had trouble giving them up, DS1 when he was a year, DS2 when he was 3 (at night).

There doesn’t seem to be any judgment about using pacifiers here though 🤷🏽‍♀️

Just see what helps your baby, some get great comfort to suck when they’re not hungry and a pacifier helps them not use your nipple as that comfort. Before pacifiers, people used to use little fingers so it’s not a new thing giving babies something to help soothe them.

@AudHvamm Agreed. But don’t let’s be reasonable so early in the thread, there’s 35 pages of frothing vitriol to get through first!