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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not wanting to use a dummy with DC?

221 replies

21dolly · 01/12/2021 07:57

I never used a dummy with DD because I didn't see any reason too. She had a bit of reflux when she was a baby but that settled quite quickly with gripe water and so on.
DP always wanted to use a dummy as he said 'that's just what you do with babies.'
We always had comments from his side of the family like 'why doesn't she have a dummy' and blah blah blah.

I'm currently pregnant again and DP is ADAMANT he wants this baby to have a dummy. I personally don't see the obsession with a dummy as some babies are able to be soothed without one (no judgment for parents who choose to use dummies btw and I'd definitely use one if I felt it would help DC!)

I really don't understand the dummy thing and why he's pushing for it so much without DC even being born yet. I'm not sure what I'm actually asking but I just thought I'd come on MN to hear opinions and see if I'm missing something here!

OP posts:
Original poster
21dolly · 01/12/2021 08:44

Can’t you discuss the risks and benefits together and make a joint decision?

This is my point @Just10moreminutesplease
DP doesn't have any knowledge on risks or benefits when it comes to dummies😂 he just wants our kids to have them because it's 'apart of the baby experience' apparently!
I think he's just so used to seeing babies out and about with dummies in their mouths so he's thinking why doesn't our kids use dummies too if that makes sense.

He has no real reason other than he thinks they're being left out😂

OP posts:
sillysmiles · 01/12/2021 08:48

All I was saying is I don't understand DP's obsession with dummies especially how our second baby isn't even here yet so there isn't a reason why they MUST have it.

Do you not think that it has more to do with your DH not feeling heard by you in terms of your first child rather than about dummies themselves. Perhaps the dummy "obsession" is a symptom.

SophieHatterPendragon · 01/12/2021 08:49

I was anti dummies. DS1 refuses one so that was fine. Ds2 had lots of issues and I tried a funny that came free with our steriliser out of desperation one night and oh my god it was amazing. First time in forever I’d not been cried at for hours. God send.
We had no issues getting him to give up the dummy and his teeth are perfect.

Dd has zero interest in having a dummy 🤷🏻‍♀️

mogsrus · 01/12/2021 08:49

Absolute ghastly things, & what really gets me wound up is when they drop them on the floor they are picked up and just put back in mouth, revolting our child never had one

Hadalifeonce · 01/12/2021 08:50

Never used a dummy with either of mine, have seen huge difficulties with family members resorting to all kinds of desperate measures to stop their use before starting school.

Original poster
21dolly · 01/12/2021 08:51

@sillysmiles

All I was saying is I don't understand DP's obsession with dummies especially how our second baby isn't even here yet so there isn't a reason why they MUST have it.

Do you not think that it has more to do with your DH not feeling heard by you in terms of your first child rather than about dummies themselves. Perhaps the dummy "obsession" is a symptom.

Not at all. We even tried DD with a dummy one time and all she did was spit it back out. It's not like I just disregard his opinion, we always talk about it. I'll say why do you think they need a dummy and he'll say something like 'because they're gonna be missing out' which is a ridiculous argument in my opinion
OP posts:
Just10moreminutesplease · 01/12/2021 08:52

@21dolly

Can’t you discuss the risks and benefits together and make a joint decision?

This is my point @Just10moreminutesplease
DP doesn't have any knowledge on risks or benefits when it comes to dummies😂 he just wants our kids to have them because it's 'apart of the baby experience' apparently!
I think he's just so used to seeing babies out and about with dummies in their mouths so he's thinking why doesn't our kids use dummies too if that makes sense.

He has no real reason other than he thinks they're being left out😂

How odd! I’m sure your baby won’t be gazing jealously at others with dummies (too busy thinking about milk Grin).
TurnUpTurnip · 01/12/2021 08:54

I’ve never used a dummy with any of my 4 children, I don’t get why people make out like they are an essential, they’re really not

Babynames2 · 01/12/2021 08:57

It just depends on the child. DCs 1 and 2 never liked them, both spat them straight out. DC3 is only 5 weeks, he’s using one occasionally. He seems to need it if an evening, he has silent reflux and the dummy helps. If he carries on using it he will only be allowed it for naps and bedtime though.

Littleants · 01/12/2021 08:58

My in-laws were determined that dd needed a dummy. Tried one once, she discovered there was no milk attached and it went sailing across the room! Problem solved.

afinethingindeed · 01/12/2021 09:00

I haven't used one with DD. Tried to give her one in the early days to give my nipples a break but she didn't like it so I didn't bother trying again. Seems odd for your DP to push the issue before baby is here though.

marykitty · 01/12/2021 09:00

My mother was adamant against dumm because they ruin your teeth....well, I destroyed mine since I sucked my thumb until I was 6 yo and I needed a lot of different braces to reshape my palate and teeth. The dentist actually told that if the choice is between thumb sucking and a dummy, a dummy is way less invasive

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 01/12/2021 09:02

I also can't stand it when you see toddlers walking round with them in their mouths for no proper reason

My toddler should have worn a t shirt that says "my paediatrician said I should use a dummy all the time" then should he?

Ds1 didn't have a dummy, didn't need one. Ds2 had severe reflux, screamed in pain, dropped his feeds and was under a paediatrician who recommended the dummy use not just for sleeping to stop his oesophagus from damage from the acid .My son was also on prescription anti-reflux formula and finally stopped waking up with reflux when he was 8 years old, not months, years.

He still has reflux now, he is almost 16. Although I wouldn't say shove a dummy in a baby's mouth, if they need it to soothe and settle then yes. However, I am not going to judge someone on what they do for their baby, I am not living their life with that baby 24/7. Give a dummy, don't give a dummy. Do what works for you.

Ozanj · 01/12/2021 09:05

If you breastfeed it doesn’t really matter but for bottle fed babies (including expressed) it is proven to help reduce the risk of sids (whether you cosleep or not). But there are other risks around SIDs too - eg smaller and premie babies are more at risk than larger to term babies. Babies of smokers are also more at risk.

Sh05 · 01/12/2021 09:06

Just tell him you'll see how it goes. Baby may never accept it even if you want to or might be colicky and you might find it's a godsend.
I wouldn't let him stress you out about it whilst you're pregnant.
I have 5 DC, none of them took the dummy although I did buy a set for dd2 who until 7 weeks old constantly cried. As a last resort I tried it and she refused but at 7 weeks I figured out she was dairy intolerant so we didn't need it anyway.
Youngest is a thumbsucker, started at 5 months and is 2 now and sucks her thumb as she's falling asleep.

SpeckledHen266 · 01/12/2021 09:08

Mine never did. The hospital actually recommended against them, and they just add extra stress.
You won't have a baby screaming for a dummy if they don't have one, you won't loose it etc. No stress about having to get rid of it. Better for the environment.
I really struggle to see the appeal of dummies

MsSquiz · 01/12/2021 09:09

I went with the plan to have one in the house in case we had a night where dd just wouldn't settle. She's now 23 months and only ever uses it to soothe when she's going to sleep.

I don't understand the great for or against debate. Why be so against so against something that might help your child (and you) rest peacefully? But also why be adamant your child will have a dummy to soothe?
It's like everything else, some kids will, some kids won't...

EishetChayil · 01/12/2021 09:10

We've tried several times to give DD a dummy (mainly so she leaves my boobs alone) but she just won't take it. Some babies just don't like them.

Crimblecrumble1990 · 01/12/2021 09:14

I think it depends on the baby. I wouldn’t assume that I would use one or assume that I wouldn’t. Although prior to my first baby I was a bit snobby about them…. He was actually born poorly and they gave him one in the NICU so he could suck as he was tube fed. I then kept it and found it a really good soothing tool. Maybe if I had been able to breastfeed then I might not have needed it.

But I agree with you, babies don’t automatically need them :)

welshladywhois40 · 01/12/2021 09:14

For those who didn't use them great. I intended not to use a dummy with my last baby and then I watched him over feeding as he wanted the comfort of sucking on something and then throwing up.

So rather then leave him distressed and puking - a dummy works much better

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 01/12/2021 09:16

I always said I wouldn't use them. Hate seeing them hanging out of toddlers mouths etc.
But we got to the point where it was the only thing that would stop our DD screaming the place down.
We used one for a few months occasionally during the day (she had no interest at night) and she gave it up happily.

We did get a lot of comments from family - all of whom hate dummies.
The HV advised us several times to use them due to the reduced SIDs risk

firstimemamma · 01/12/2021 09:17

If you don't want to use a dummy with your baby then stand your ground with your dh.

ComeAllYeFaithful · 01/12/2021 09:18

I hate them. Plastic crap shoved in constantly. Absolutely refused to even buy one.

hotmeatymilk · 01/12/2021 09:19

DP doesn't have any knowledge on risks or benefits when it comes to dummies😂 he just wants our kids to have them because it's 'apart of the baby experience' apparently!
Haha, this was DP but with talcum powder. For no reason!

Me: it’s carcinogenic and no one has used talc on babies since 1982.
DP: but that’s what you do with babies!
Me: what, exactly, do you do.
DP: …I don’t know. They’re there and… cotton wool and talc sort of ::gestures vaguely:: you know. Babies. You put powder on them.

TurquoiseDress · 01/12/2021 09:21

Regardless of you or DP's wishes, it will be the baby who decides whether they want a baby or not!

DD1 was not bothered at all by a dummy and just spat it out constantly, even as a newborn

DC2 took to it very early on, I wasn't bothered either way but we realised the dummy was amazing for calming them & helping them sleep

Definitely have your opinions on the matter but a baby won't be forced to have a dummy- you'll just be picking it up off the floor constantly!

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