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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants MIL to come to us for Christmas

357 replies

Macmoominmamma · 29/11/2021 17:51

Hi all

Your opinions please!

For context - MIL went into nursing home Feb 2020 at age of 84. She's been incredibly independent for past 50 years but now can't cope living on her own. Diagnosed with dementia, which fluctuates. She is urine incontinent, can't go up or down stairs, doesn't walk far, can't work TV or mobile phone, despite being shown many many times. She lives 100 miles away from us and her other DS lives in same village as her.

DH asked me last night if she could come to ours for Christmas, coming 23rd Dec and leaving Boxing Day. We have 2 kids, aged 15 and 9. It is 9 year olds birthday Christmas Eve (will be 10 then). I have pointed out the distance for her to travel, that she is incontinent, has dementia, she can't walk up steps (our WCs are not on ground floor), but DH says he will take her to a hotel and they will stay there overnight and come to our home for feeding, present opening etc.
I honestly don't know how to feel about this - on the one hand, it would be nice to have her, and don't want her to spend Christmas at Nursing Home, but on the other hand I think it's a disaster waiting to happen, and just a bit miserable for the kids to have their dad away from them over Christmas Day and birthday.

DH appears to have thought this through and is pretty set on it.
AIBU to put a spanner in the works by saying no?

YANBU - yes tell him it's a no
YABU - she should come.

OP posts:
VikingOnTheFridge · 29/11/2021 17:53

Who does he envisage will deal with her toileting for the time she's at yours?

Wombat69 · 29/11/2021 17:53

Moving her into a hotel will not help her dementia and she get more confused and possibly not recover her previous level of cognition. He may think he's being kind but he really needs to talk to people about this.

Teacupsandtoast · 29/11/2021 17:53

And who is he proposes toilets and cleans his poor incontinent mum? You can ALL go and visit her, but leave her in a her safe comfortable warm surroundings where she will be cared for properly - not dragged on a 200 mile round trip to stay in a hotel. He is being ridiculous

Teacupsandtoast · 29/11/2021 17:54

*proposing

fourandnomore · 29/11/2021 17:54

I think if he’s coming back and forth with her the kids will be fine with him being there and slightly not, mine would be if it was our family and it meant they could see their grandmother. If your DH feels strongly about it and she wants to come I’d support that personally.

tallduckandhandsome · 29/11/2021 17:55

YABU, let her come and let him solve the logistics. Why would DH miss Christmas Day and DS’s birthday?

Chamomileteaplease · 29/11/2021 17:55

What has your dh actually said about the arrangements?? Because none of it makes sense, as you have pointed out!

He will spend Christmas and your daughter's birthday in a hotel? And bring his mother who has incontinence and dementia for the birthday and Christmas? A terrible idea.

What has she done on other Christmases?

Assuming it is a nice nursing home, then having Christmas day there will be fine for her - they will make it jolly and having dementia, it will be better for her to be somewhere she knows.

Much better for you all to visit her in the new year. Or if you must, have her to stay in the new year when it isn't a child's birthday or Christmas!!

BornIn78 · 29/11/2021 17:55

He’s presented you with what he feels is a workable solution, and part of his decision might be to take some pressure off his brother who, presumably does a lot more for their mother than your DH does, given that you live 100 miles away.

You say you don’t want her to spend Christmas at the nursing home but you don’t want her - so basically you want it to be someone else’s problem.

fourandnomore · 29/11/2021 17:56

And obviously the people caring for her agreed it was manageable - depends on how severe the dementia is of course.

miltonj · 29/11/2021 17:56

I think if he's thought about it and is willing to do all her personal care, then it obviously means a great deal to him. It's good for your children to see their parents model kind, self sacrificial behaviour as well.

JaffaBiscuits · 29/11/2021 17:56

This is such a tough one - part of me feels that your DH knows that she sadly may not be around much longer with her age and health issues and feel sympathy for him wanting her nearby for Xmas, but I can absolutely see why you would want to avoid this and I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I would really point out how disrupting it will be for her - it's almost unfair to put her through a journey and completely change to her routine - it's not that you don't want her close by but it just doesn't seem the right thing to do for MIL.

What does your BIL want?

Youseethethingis · 29/11/2021 17:57

Could you do it the other way around and arrange a MIL friendly air B&B near where she lives and all stay there together?
I agree with you, the current plan sounds like a disaster waiting to happen and quite sad/uncomfortable in the best case scenario.

Kite22 · 29/11/2021 17:57

I'm not voting as I can see it is a difficult situation, but that emotions are as important as practicalities.

I would have a conversation with him, starting with the fact you understand she is his Mum and you totally get that he wants her to come, but then going through all the practical difficulties that will arise from this.
I mean dementia can be mild or severe or anywhere in between and can affect people differently. Incontinence is not easy to deal with. What happens currently ? Is he comfortable with changing and cleaning his Mum ? Is she comfortable with him doing that?

Is there a more practical compromise -perhaps you all as a family going to stay near where she is living and spending Christmas with her there, where she will be in familiar surroundings and have her nursing care available ?

PicaK · 29/11/2021 17:57

In the nicest possible way she's not going to know when it's Christmas. I'd suggest you do your Xmas at home.
Then book a bnb and go celebrate a 2nd time.
He's obviously really sad and hoping for a last wonderful time - but tbh he needs to accept that that time has probably been and gone. But I'd be very gentle with him. It's a lot to process.

mybroomstick · 29/11/2021 17:57

If she suffers from incontinence is he happy to clean her up when she has an accident?

Surely moving her out of her familiar surroundings is only going to exacerbate her dementia and therefore her incontinence.

Sounds like a disaster in the making tbh.

Sparklfairy · 29/11/2021 17:58

Jesus hes really being quite selfish. I know my nan who had dementia, when she was lucid, would have been horrified and humiliated at the thought of this happening. She used to become quite distressed at the thought of being any extra work or "burden" to anyone, and clutched onto her dignity fiercely (rightly so).

Visit her over the Christmas period fgs.

Recycledblonde · 29/11/2021 17:58

To be honest it might well be distressing for her. People with dementia often struggle with changes in surroundings and it can make them more confused. The noise and excitement of a family Christmas in a place that she presumably isn’t familiar with in the very recent past can also increase confusion and distress.
I get that he is trying to do what, from his point of view, is a nice thing but it may well not be best for his Mum.

SW1amp · 29/11/2021 17:58

How advanced is the dementia?
Will she realise it is Christmas?

Justilou1 · 29/11/2021 17:58

Good god, moving Dementia patients stresses them out terribly. He’s not doing this for her, he’s doing this for himself. Tell him okay, but but he’s cooking and cleaning (everything) and you’re staying in a hotel with the kids, because he’s going to be very busy.

AmandaHoldensLips · 29/11/2021 17:58

If he's determined to do it, then let him do it and leave him to deal with every aspect of her visit himself.

Somebodylikeyew · 29/11/2021 17:58

Has he talked to her care co-ordinator about this idea? It seems a lot to put an elderly lady with dementia through to me.
Can’t you all go and see her on boxing day instead?

EgonSpengler2020 · 29/11/2021 17:58

Who is your DH expecting to look after her personal care needs at the hotel and at your home?

Is it a special adapted hotel. There are some about that have full profiling beds, ceiling hoists, adapted showers and care packages that they can put in place, but I imagine they are very expensive and booked up early for Xmas.

How will he provide for her care needs on the journey to and from your area.

Does he realise how seriously a change of sleeping arrangements can deeply unsettle someone suffering from dementia?

I think it would be cheaper and easier for all of you to stay in a hotel near your MIL and see her that way.

Disfordarkchocolate · 29/11/2021 17:58

I imagine she will find the massive change to her routine as distressing.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/11/2021 17:58

Was on the fence, provided he did all the work, but the toilet question at your house doesn’t seem to have occurred to him, ie it being upstairs

I think everyone visiting her is a better idea

HotPenguin · 29/11/2021 17:58

I think he needs to speak to the nursing home to be clear exactly what her needs are and think through how they will be met. The fact you don't have a toilet downstairs seems like a pretty big issue. But I don't think it's fair to rule out her visiting simply because she is urine incontinent - there are lots of ways for managing incontinence and people with incontinence don't have to be locked away. It's about understanding what she needs and whether you can meet that with your set up.