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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants MIL to come to us for Christmas

357 replies

Macmoominmamma · 29/11/2021 17:51

Hi all

Your opinions please!

For context - MIL went into nursing home Feb 2020 at age of 84. She's been incredibly independent for past 50 years but now can't cope living on her own. Diagnosed with dementia, which fluctuates. She is urine incontinent, can't go up or down stairs, doesn't walk far, can't work TV or mobile phone, despite being shown many many times. She lives 100 miles away from us and her other DS lives in same village as her.

DH asked me last night if she could come to ours for Christmas, coming 23rd Dec and leaving Boxing Day. We have 2 kids, aged 15 and 9. It is 9 year olds birthday Christmas Eve (will be 10 then). I have pointed out the distance for her to travel, that she is incontinent, has dementia, she can't walk up steps (our WCs are not on ground floor), but DH says he will take her to a hotel and they will stay there overnight and come to our home for feeding, present opening etc.
I honestly don't know how to feel about this - on the one hand, it would be nice to have her, and don't want her to spend Christmas at Nursing Home, but on the other hand I think it's a disaster waiting to happen, and just a bit miserable for the kids to have their dad away from them over Christmas Day and birthday.

DH appears to have thought this through and is pretty set on it.
AIBU to put a spanner in the works by saying no?

YANBU - yes tell him it's a no
YABU - she should come.

OP posts:
DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 29/11/2021 17:59

Where is she going to go to the loo while at yours ?

mybroomstick · 29/11/2021 17:59

Is he going to make up the hotel bed with waterproof bedding?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/11/2021 17:59

He’s probably coming from a good place but with lack of understanding about her conditions

Shmithecat2 · 29/11/2021 17:59

YAB a bit U. If he thinks it's doable, let him take care of it. He may not have many more Christmases with her. There's plenty ahead for your family.

ohfourfoxache · 29/11/2021 17:59

Although he thinks what he’s proposing is a kindness, in reality it’s cruel.

Is he in some sort of denial about her condition?

I’d definitely suggest visiting her instead, it would be much much easier for her than what he’s planning

unicornsarereal72 · 29/11/2021 18:00

I would ask the staff at the home if this is a good idea. I think being in a hotel and your home backward and forward will be really unsettling for her. And as much as he wants to be supportive of her she may not feel comfortable him doing her personal care.

Could you all go and take her out for a nice lunch one day?

Aristodog · 29/11/2021 18:00

Couldn’t you go and stay in a hotel nearer her and just visit on the day?

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 29/11/2021 18:00

On the fence here. What is actually best for her? Will she enjoy it or will the trip be too much? How severe is her dementia? Will being out of familiar surroundings be too much?

Could you at all compromise and rent an air bnb near her for the week/weekend and have her over for day visits?

Caselgarcia · 29/11/2021 18:00

What does she want? My Mil is on her own, lives 50 miles away and doesn't like to leave her house. DH thinks she would enjoy Christmas at ours, trips to Christmas markets and panto. In reality she wants to be left alone, she enjoys her home and doesn't ever want to stay anywhere overnight. DP says she 'hasn't got many Christmas's left' and runs himself ragged trying to include her. In reality she wants to be at home.

Winterlove · 29/11/2021 18:00

Maybe he’s thinking it could be her last Christmas and he’d like to spend it with her. As long as he has a plan for how it will all work then I think it’s fine if they’re all happy with it.

mumonthehill · 29/11/2021 18:01

Honestly if she has dementia she might find all of this far too much to cope with. It will be stressful and disorienting for her. I would speak to the care home to see if they think she would cope with the change. If you do not have a loo downstairs then that could be very distressing for her and your dc might have to cope with her having an accident and that would be awful. It might be better to visit her where she is.

maslinpan · 29/11/2021 18:01

Has your DH discussed his idea with the care home? They might have some really useful input here about the wisdom of uprooting somebody with dementia into completely unfamiliar surroundings

WashableVelvet · 29/11/2021 18:03

I don’t have a view on the AIBU, it really depends whether he will fully tend to her needs and where the hotel is. But just wanted to add, I think you will need a commode. I believe these can be hired eg from the Red Cross but I don’t know the logistics, you might want to buy.

Outlyingtrout · 29/11/2021 18:04

It would be completely wrong to drag this poor lady on a 200 mile round trip, plus being ferried back and forth between a hotel and your home (both unfamiliar and potentially distressing environments) without access to the professional care she needs. Would she want her son to be providing the kind of intimate care she requires? Does she have capacity to consent to that? Does she have capacity to make the decision to undertake this trip and all it entails for her? I think your husband is being incredibly selfish and isn't prioritising her needs at all. Or yours or your children's.

If he wants to spend the Christmas period with his mum - which is lovely and very understandable - then he needs to go to her, not the other way around. Could you all rent a cottage or Airbnb nearby and visit her during the day? Or perhaps she could manage a few hours away from her nursing home to have lunch with you?

Seasidemumma77 · 29/11/2021 18:04

I would strongly urge your DH speaks to the care home and ask them their professional opinion on whether his plans could potentially be detrimental to his DM's health, change of routine/surroundings can be very distressing for some individuals with dementia

Feelingoktoday · 29/11/2021 18:04

Very sad for your H. Could you rent an air B&b or a really nice hotel and go up there. Your children are old enough not to need to be at home at Christmas.

BurningGubbins · 29/11/2021 18:04

We did this with my Nan. Yes it will impact on how your Christmas goes and you'll have to be on high alert a lot. At the time it was hard work and not my favourite Christmas ever, but looking back I feel glad that we were able to do that for her while she still knew who we were (enough) and that she was loved.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 29/11/2021 18:04

I think you are going to have to let him.

Despyte the facts that:

The journey will be quite stressful for her
A change of scenery could make her more confused
He is going to have to share the room with her
He is going to have to take care of her personal needs, medications etc without any of the necessary aids, or experience.
In your home he is going to have to take her to the loo, again, see to her personal needs
He will miss parts of his kids birthday and Christmas as he will have to take her back to the hotel when she is tired
He will have to do all of teh arrangements, bookings, scut work, him, alone.

And when she is lucid she will probably tear a strip off him for being so bloody stupid. He is really invading her provacy, taking away a good layer of her dignity.

But let him know what you think it will entail and tell him, his choice, his mother and his responsibility.

Original poster
Macmoominmamma · 29/11/2021 18:05

Sorry not been clear...

DH and MIL will stay at a hotel together overnight and come to us during day for meals etc. Plan is he would go to pick her up on 23rd and drop her off on 26th.

He says he will put a commode in the study with a poster over the glass so noone can see in. Not ideal. He is prepared to empty commode! She is urine incontinent only - I think she is ok in the poop dept as far as I'm aware.

BIL not interested - retired but visits her rarely, maybe once every 2 months. To be fair he and SIL had MIL last year for Christmas Day (they have no kids) but DH visits MIL every 2 weeks on Saturdays. Impressive as we live 100 miles apart.

Yes I think he thinks it could be her last. It's very sad and an impossible situation I feel. But I don't honestly know if he can cope with meeting her needs.

OP posts:
ColleysMill · 29/11/2021 18:05

I'd talk to your dh from a different angle. At the moment whilst this is a lovely idea the practicalities are significant (although not impossible to overcome) and actually it seems very much what he wants rather than what MIL would like and what's in her best interests.

I think talking to the home is really important to - ultimately they will have far greater insight to what her day to day needs are - both emotionally and physically

FictionalCharacter · 29/11/2021 18:05

Most likely he’s underestimating how difficult it will be.
A family member of mine did exactly this, took their DM to a hotel Xmas eve. They only stayed one night but it was a disaster. She wandered in the night, panicked because she didn’t know where she was, and knocked on other guests’ doors (the hotel complained to him). There were soiling incidents and poo on walls, door handles etc.
People in nursing homes need nursing care and dementia patients need consistency and familiar environments. I can’t see this going well.

Fallagain · 29/11/2021 18:05

Like others say he needs to speak to her care team. Sitting in a car for two hours plus maybe very uncomfortable for her.

ArtfulScreamer · 29/11/2021 18:05

@Recycledblonde

To be honest it might well be distressing for her. People with dementia often struggle with changes in surroundings and it can make them more confused. The noise and excitement of a family Christmas in a place that she presumably isn’t familiar with in the very recent past can also increase confusion and distress. I get that he is trying to do what, from his point of view, is a nice thing but it may well not be best for his Mum.
This Friends mum with dementia used to end up in a tailspin everytime she had an outpatient appt as the change in her routine and removing her from familiar surroundings was just to much for her.
Holly60 · 29/11/2021 18:07

As much as I don’t think it sounds like a particularly good idea myself, I’m not sure you get a veto if I’m honest. If I had decided I wanted to do something for my elderly mum and had set my heart on it, my (absolutely lovely) DH wouldn’t get to say no.

MichelleScarn · 29/11/2021 18:07

And does he also plan to rock up christmas day for which you've done all the prep for cooking then disappear when it's time to tidy?

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