DH wants MIL to come to us for Christmas

[Macmoominmamma]

Hi all

Your opinions please!

For context - MIL went into nursing home Feb 2020 at age of 84. She's been incredibly independent for past 50 years but now can't cope living on her own. Diagnosed with dementia, which fluctuates. She is urine incontinent, can't go up or down stairs, doesn't walk far, can't work TV or mobile phone, despite being shown many many times. She lives 100 miles away from us and her other DS lives in same village as her.

DH asked me last night if she could come to ours for Christmas, coming 23rd Dec and leaving Boxing Day. We have 2 kids, aged 15 and 9. It is 9 year olds birthday Christmas Eve (will be 10 then). I have pointed out the distance for her to travel, that she is incontinent, has dementia, she can't walk up steps (our WCs are not on ground floor), but DH says he will take her to a hotel and they will stay there overnight and come to our home for feeding, present opening etc.
I honestly don't know how to feel about this - on the one hand, it would be nice to have her, and don't want her to spend Christmas at Nursing Home, but on the other hand I think it's a disaster waiting to happen, and just a bit miserable for the kids to have their dad away from them over Christmas Day and birthday.

DH appears to have thought this through and is pretty set on it.
AIBU to put a spanner in the works by saying no?

YANBU - yes tell him it's a no
YABU - she should come.

Does he know what she wants to do? It think with dementia she might find it stressful but he knows her better than anyone. If he thinks it will be her last I am not sure how you are going to say no to him, especially since he offered to look after her.
Bit random but have you considered going up to her for christmas? yes it would disrupt your children's birthdays but they will hopefully have many more while she is in the twilight of her life and sounds like it would mean a lot to your hubby.

Tbh I didn’t

Because I believe it’s impossible to know whether your MIL and your DH can cope with it or not from what you’ve described.

I totally get the fact might think it’s her last Christmas. Or the last one where she might still be ‘with it’ enough actually appreciate it.
But he really needs to have a chat with the care Home. I’d say actually he needs to a have trial and take her out for the day année how it goes. The way she is whilst at the care hoe might be very different to ow she would react in an unknown environment.
When is the last time she actually went out with someone?
How did Christmas go at his Dbro last year?
Has she deteriorated a lot since then?

He's got to think whether his DM pre dementia would really want her son emptying her commode and possibly changing her wet or soiled clothes on Christmas Day with family around. God, give the poor woman some dignity.
Misguided intentions that focus on his wants rather than her needs.
I'be been nursing over thirty years and would never have taken either of my parents home in such circumstances. Not in their best interests IMO.

I think the OP’s wording that she can “tell him no” won’t have helped the vote, that attitude stinks.

@toomuchlaundry

I wonder how many people who voted YABU have dealt with relatives with dementia

Yep. Especially dementia that’s bad enough for her to need nursing home care. It’s all very well PP saying it’s a nice thing for him to do. But it could be disastrous as per my relative’s experience. She was distressed and aggressive. Huge mistake. It’s not just Xmas for OP’s DH, it’s Xmas for OP and the kids too. It would be sad for them to have a difficult couple of days and remember MIL at her worst and most vulnerable (and possibly distressed and crying).

Will she enjoy it? How aware is she?

Could you all go stay in a hotel near her and do some festive things, then get back to your home (without her) for C Eve?

I commend him for being so devoted.

The only thing about this plan I wouldn't worry the slightest about is the inpact on your children or it being miserable for them their Dad not being around the whole time. Plenty of seperated, widowed families etc manage it and it really is not that big a deal, especially when the reason for it comes from a place of love and care. Indeed it is the very essence of what Christmas should be about, it's not like he's off boozing or something (my childhood). My only worries would centre on your MIL's welfare but if he ultimately decides to ahead with this not very good plan, I think you need to support him as best you can on this one.

I think he feels he has to take a turn and if he thinks it might be her last Christmas, he's ignoring the logistics in his desire to give her a lovely day. But that's really for his benefit, not hers. If he's adamant she's coming and he's taking responsibility for her care, i don't really think there's much you can say to put him off. All you can do is support his plan and be ready to pick up the pieces if it ends up being less than the wonderful time he's imagining. 💐

Has he had a trial run of looking after her out if the care facility for a whole day?
Does he really understand what it entails?

He needs to talk to the home, she’ll be wearing pads and there’s an interval their changed at to minimise irritating the skin.

Also check if he goes this if she’ll be quarantined for two weeks in the room or if it’s only until a negative pcr has come back.

When was the last time mil slept in a bed not hers? What if she leaves the hotel room during the night?
Will the dc be upset if she is unsettled and not herself in front of them?
His heart is in the right place but probably not the best plan for mil given her health.

Lots of people with dementia do and care homes that offer dementia care usually have extra security to prevent residents from getting out. If your MIL was to wake up in the night she may get out of the hotel room as there won't be anything to prevent her. This may result in her getting outside and her absence not being realised for some time. I work for the police and elderly people with dementia going missing at night is an all too frequent occurrence. Sadly they have ended up in fatalities.

This is so important.

The catalyst for my dad going into a nursing home was the wandering. He got out in his pyjamas in the middle of the night (my mum didn't hear him) in December. The weather was freezing, just like it is right now. Thankfully he was found within a few hours but it was terrifying.

We had a similar situation.
My uncle my Dgm's carer was away with work so we had DGM to spend the night at our home. Me, dm and df and my 1dc.
She was used to us and seen my dm and I weekly and my df daily but she was still terrified being out of her safe surroundings.
She was violent though fear. Didn't sleep- part illness/ part fear. My dd was only 3 and was terrified. My dm, df and I all have horrendous memories from that night. My DGM was so scared and helpless. It was awful. And it was a terrible idea from the start and the distance she travelled was only 10 minutes by car.
100 miles is really far especially if she is some way into her illness. Its great if you can make it work. But if it goes wrong it's a terrible memory for all.

Has he discussed with her and her main carer and are they sure she will be happy and comfortable? If she is likely to feel anxious and confused I would say don’t- you won’t be doing it for her, but so that you and DH don’t feel guilty. But that might not be what’s best. If you decide to go ahead you will need a commode downstairs if she is at yours all day and can’t do stairs.

You should all go up there and visit her on christmas day. Your kid with the birthday can (as nicely as possible) suck it up. This is important to your DH and its not a big birthday, you can still make a fuss of them. What you should not do is use the birthday as an excuse not to help your DH involve his mother at Christmas. Although I agree that the plan of bringing her to yours doesnt seem to be a good move for her, there doesn't seem to be any reason why you couldn't visit her except not wanting to.

@ANameChangeAgain

If he can set up a comode in the study is there room for a put up bed too? He is prepared to look after her, so its a shame for her to be left alone. I wouldn't want my mum to be in nursing home away from family over Christmas.

A lady in her mid/late 80's with dementia simply cannot sleep in a 'put up bed'.

I'd suggest DH has a chat with the care staff at the home about his proposal. I think he is trying to do a nice thing for his mum, but the reality could be that she would be upset and scared in the strange environment of a hotel. And that is before anyone considers the toileting side of things...

I honestly think it would be distressing for her to be out of her usual environment.

Far better for you all to travel to her and visit several times over a couple of days.

It would depend on how bad her dementia is, although I think the incontinence (if truly uncontrolled) makes it unviable. Has he spoken to anyone at her care home about this?

My mother had a slow decline into dementia. She and my dad used to stay in a hotel near us at Christmas for a few years. She needed a walk in shower, so my dad found a room that could accommodate this. She was fine at our house during the day. She only became incontinent in her last year, when she also lost all understanding of where she was and who we were, so taking her out of her care home for any reason was pointless.

He is suggesting this more to make himself feel better and less guilt ridden than of her wellbeing. Can you suggest an alternative like going to visit her on Boxing day or something

Just don't do it @Macmoominmamma. Your DMIL is going to be far better off where she is. Coming to you will be a real trial for her and will exacerbate her health problems.

Is it a nursing home or a care home? If it’s a nursing home that means she needs nursing care and I doubt it would be feasible. If it’s a residential care home then It would probably be possible.

This is an insane idea.

Your husband sounds lovely but this is a terrible idea. This “independent” lady being put on a commode and wiped by her son in his study on Christmas Day? No. She is entitled to her dignity and if she has a moment of lucidity she’ll be mortified.

I agree with visiting in the days beforehand. What about a hotel stay near her residence overnight on 23rd? Your DC can have their birthday breakfast in an hotel and then visit grandma which will be nice.

He should speak with the people managing her daily care. They will have a much better idea of how she will handle this trip. We don’t know enough about the severity of her condition.

It will certainly make your Christmas somewhat stressful, even if she is in a good position to handle this excursion. That shouldn’t mean it can’t happen if he is willing to put in the work with his mother and you can pick up the slack with the kids and house. (And now I’m actually sobbing thinking about my own crazy trip to bring my family to see my mother for one last holiday and the help my DH gave me to make it happen).

If she can truly handle the trip, let this be something that strengthens your marriage, not something that strains it.