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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants MIL to come to us for Christmas

357 replies

Macmoominmamma · 29/11/2021 17:51

Hi all

Your opinions please!

For context - MIL went into nursing home Feb 2020 at age of 84. She's been incredibly independent for past 50 years but now can't cope living on her own. Diagnosed with dementia, which fluctuates. She is urine incontinent, can't go up or down stairs, doesn't walk far, can't work TV or mobile phone, despite being shown many many times. She lives 100 miles away from us and her other DS lives in same village as her.

DH asked me last night if she could come to ours for Christmas, coming 23rd Dec and leaving Boxing Day. We have 2 kids, aged 15 and 9. It is 9 year olds birthday Christmas Eve (will be 10 then). I have pointed out the distance for her to travel, that she is incontinent, has dementia, she can't walk up steps (our WCs are not on ground floor), but DH says he will take her to a hotel and they will stay there overnight and come to our home for feeding, present opening etc.
I honestly don't know how to feel about this - on the one hand, it would be nice to have her, and don't want her to spend Christmas at Nursing Home, but on the other hand I think it's a disaster waiting to happen, and just a bit miserable for the kids to have their dad away from them over Christmas Day and birthday.

DH appears to have thought this through and is pretty set on it.
AIBU to put a spanner in the works by saying no?

YANBU - yes tell him it's a no
YABU - she should come.

OP posts:
Mollymalone123 · 30/11/2021 00:55

My dear MIL was in exactly the same position and honestly would have been so upset to be moved to any place she didn’t know.It would be very unsettling or possibly frightening for your MIL.We chose to visit instead on Boxing Day as a small group and actually we knew the home really went all out. For Xmas day with food and music etc .However MIL was unfortunately way past the point of understanding what was going on around her although she enjoyed music a lot.I think your DH has the best intentions but the reality is it probably will make your MiL very unhappy

HollowTalk · 30/11/2021 00:58

There is nothing that someone with dementia would like less than going to a hotel like that where nothing would be familiar. I really feel for his mum. I could understand it if he wanted everyone to go and stay in a hotel near her but not this way round. It really doesn't make sense at all.

PrincessFiorimonde · 30/11/2021 01:20

Very tough, OP, and it does come across that your DH is acting from a place of love for his mum.

But as your update at 21.00 makes clear - and as many pp have pointed out - he needs to be very sure that any plans are in his mum's best interests. As you say: We need to put her at the centre of our plans and reconsider her new needs rather than assume she will be able to cope with what we would usually do at Christmas pre-Covid with her.

Btw, I can't believe how many people have voted YABU! I agree with pp who suggest that most if not all of these surely have no first-hand experience of loved ones with dementia.

I also agree that there is no 'one size fits all' when it comes to dementia, though, so hope the nursing home can suggest the best way of approaching your MIL's particular situation.

Best of luck to all of you Flowers

lololololollll · 30/11/2021 05:01

@ImInStealthMode as I've already mentioned, I know that not all are the same, however the whole point of the OP is for advice and similar stories so no it's not "about me" but go figure I may have something to contribute! And yes my dad is absolutely fine coming to see us because again, EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT! Funny it's ok for you to judge what I'm doing but if you get a sniff someone many he doing the same - even when they're not, it's double standards.

lololololollll · 30/11/2021 05:01

My reply was also for @gofg

lololololollll · 30/11/2021 05:05

@GooseberryJam Ermmmmm nope I'm doing this all the time, but thank you for making stuff up to be pointlessly mean tho. I said I "would" do it until I die. I know exactly what it's like, I've been living with this a long time, ooh am I allowed an opinion now. Apology accepted as I'm sure that's coming soon.

Sciurus83 · 30/11/2021 05:16

You and DH seem like good eggs

ImInStealthMode · 30/11/2021 05:16

@lololololollll But you didn't come with advice or a similar story, just self-righteous smugness over anyone who for whatever reason might have reservations about the logistics of providing intimate care for an elderly relative.

'Advice or a similar story' would have been how your Dad manages during visits, and how you keep it dignified and manageable for him.

Anyway enough de-railing of OP's thread.

magicstars · 30/11/2021 05:18

Speak to the home manager. They may need to assess her capacity & make a best interest decision. With covid on top of her other needs, travel & change could pose a fair amount of risk to her.

It makes more sense imho for you all to visit her & stay in a hotel for a few days.
Take turns to visit her as I'm sure there will be restrictions in place. The home will do lovely things on Xmas day for the residents, particularly as family visits are likely to be reduced.

There is a risk that this would be very unsettling for mil & could cause deterioration. Obvs there is no way to know for sure how it will impact her.

You do sound like a loving & caring family & mil's needs need to be fully considered.

Pixxie7 · 30/11/2021 05:32

It seems to me that your DH wants to spend Christmas with his mum whilst he can and is going out of his way to make it work. I know it will be difficult but you need to at least meet him half way.
A lot depends on how bad her dementia is. You say his sister lives in the same village so she probably needs a break, would it be possible to perhaps swap houses with her for a couple of days?

gofg · 30/11/2021 05:39

@lololololollll - does having your father for Christmas involve a 200 round trip, does he stay in a hotel, does he stay for several days?

It's all very well to post telling us all how wonderful you are and how heartless everyone else is, but you told us nothing at all about your father and his visits so we can't actually judge for ourselves. We don't know a thing about your father. However many people who have been in the same situation as OP have contributed helpful advice, which is good because yours isn't helpful in the least.

lololololollll · 30/11/2021 06:07

[quote gofg]@lololololollll - does having your father for Christmas involve a 200 round trip, does he stay in a hotel, does he stay for several days?

It's all very well to post telling us all how wonderful you are and how heartless everyone else is, but you told us nothing at all about your father and his visits so we can't actually judge for ourselves. We don't know a thing about your father. However many people who have been in the same situation as OP have contributed helpful advice, which is good because yours isn't helpful in the least.[/quote]
It involves a massive trip and various trips a year like this with many logistical nightmares. So yes I know. And quite frankly minimising what I'm dealing with with my Dad so you can have a dig is really quite cruel. My opinion is valid, based on experience. She can do what she wants and I respect it, and understand. But my experience is different and on a forum where we are asked to share, I will do!

CounsellorTroi · 30/11/2021 06:18

Is your DH planning to drive your MIL? Would she even be able to get in/out of the car? What if she needs the toilet on the way? Does she have a blue badge your DH could use? I don’t think your DH has thought this through at all. It’s just not in her best interest.

Staryflight445 · 30/11/2021 06:35

Sounds like he wants to do this more for himself than for his mum.
Would be awfully upsetting for her potentially.

Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday · 30/11/2021 06:43

Sorry, not red every post. Has your husband talked to her carers her facility? I’d imagine they would try to discourage him. Perhaps suggest they talk to them?

Starcaller · 30/11/2021 06:45

Definitely agree it will likely be upsetting and disorienting for her. My gran had dementia for a number of years and struggled massively with new places or being taken out of her comfort zone. She couldn't handle it at all. And that's without the logistics of your DH handling personal care for her. She may well find that very distressing too.

DBI78 · 30/11/2021 06:50

It's tough, your husband sounds like a lovely man who's trying to give his mum a special Christmas. I agree depending on her mental health and physical needs it could actually be distressing for her. As well as tough on you all and your kids. Would a family visit to her home in run upto Christmas be better, do pressies, have a meal etc?

DukkaDukka · 30/11/2021 08:12

Having a commode is great but he’s assuming she would get there. If she’s incontinent she’ll just wet herself. She also might not want to sit on it in the study.

DH’s Grandma used to wet her clothes wherever she was sitting. She wee’d in our car (has he considered this? How’s he going to change her on the journey?). She also wandered at night because she was unfamiliar with where she was (this was before she went into a home).

My Grandad is hugely confused when he’s not in his nursing home. He loves being there, it’s safe and familiar. You also need to find out if she needs to isolate before or afterwards, do the home let residents go out for that amount of time? Is it beneficial for her? Would she cope? Can he deal with all her medications? What about trips and falls? Have you got rugs she can trip over or side tables to knock into. What about room in the car for Zimmer frames or walkers?

Also are you ok with him coming back for the day because he’s essentially leaving you to deal with Christmas dinner and the DC. This is all about him, even if it comes from a good place.

forrestgreen · 30/11/2021 10:01

Maybe suggest that the next time he goes up he takes her out for her lunch. Just so he can see how she is in a different environment, he she is in a car ride and how he manages her practically.
It might decide for him that you guys travel instead

headintheproverbial · 01/12/2021 00:21

It's a shit idea.

But honestly? If you've pointed out the shitness of the idea and he's still keen I'd let him. Your DC will have plenty of other birthdays and Christmases. She won't.

Vispa · 01/12/2021 00:43

Hi OP, I haven't read all the comments in the thread, but just wanted to make you aware that there is a communication device called the Komp, which is designed for elderly users/dementia patients etc to keep them connected with family, especially if they are unable to use a mobile/tablet etc. It can be used for video calls/photos etc, without them needing to do anything. It could be really good for your MIL, (possible Christmas present?) Just a thought....
www.noisolation.com/komp?gclid=Cj0KCQiAtJeNBhCVARIsANJUJ2FpOGg6VVvl6Y7XCaLjdBEv_LCgWYd3tfIRuS3QZmgbIMRILPG4kkgaAh1GEALw_wcB

DeeCeeCherry · 01/12/2021 01:19

Best idea would be for your H to go and spend Christmas Day at least with his Mum.

She's elderly, unwell and may die soon. None of that means she should spend Christmas alone. She's still a person. & you could do with understanding how your H feels.

The way you speak of him and some of the frankly patronising advice here makes it sound as if he's thick and hasn't thought anything out. Surely he must have. Its simply that he views this differently from you.

I hope he gets his wish anyway.

Bellringer · 06/01/2022 11:18

How did it go op?

GiantHaystacks2021 · 06/01/2022 11:27

........wonder how that all panned out.

Sounds like a recipe for disaster but some guys just do not want to hear any sense.

CheesyWeez · 06/01/2022 11:44

Yes how did it work out OP? I had been wondering too

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