DH wants MIL to come to us for Christmas

[Macmoominmamma]

Hi all

Your opinions please!

For context - MIL went into nursing home Feb 2020 at age of 84. She's been incredibly independent for past 50 years but now can't cope living on her own. Diagnosed with dementia, which fluctuates. She is urine incontinent, can't go up or down stairs, doesn't walk far, can't work TV or mobile phone, despite being shown many many times. She lives 100 miles away from us and her other DS lives in same village as her.

DH asked me last night if she could come to ours for Christmas, coming 23rd Dec and leaving Boxing Day. We have 2 kids, aged 15 and 9. It is 9 year olds birthday Christmas Eve (will be 10 then). I have pointed out the distance for her to travel, that she is incontinent, has dementia, she can't walk up steps (our WCs are not on ground floor), but DH says he will take her to a hotel and they will stay there overnight and come to our home for feeding, present opening etc.
I honestly don't know how to feel about this - on the one hand, it would be nice to have her, and don't want her to spend Christmas at Nursing Home, but on the other hand I think it's a disaster waiting to happen, and just a bit miserable for the kids to have their dad away from them over Christmas Day and birthday.

DH appears to have thought this through and is pretty set on it.
AIBU to put a spanner in the works by saying no?

YANBU - yes tell him it's a no
YABU - she should come.

As others have pointed out, your dh current plan is wildly unrealistic.

Having her to stay is doable, but with a lot of prep.

First the nursing home needs to agree in principle plus close to the time - things might change.

You'll basically need to sort your own care package for when she's with you - so line up carers to come in and assist with toileting and personal care.

You may need specialised equipment - motorised bed with pressure mattress, for example, pressure sensitive mats for the floor, etc, ramp and wheel chair, etc. Care home will advise.

You'll need to prepare downstairs sleeping area in case in a years time she can't get upstairs.

The biggest issue I think is how she'll cope with a 200m round trip in just a couple of days, that can exhaust people of good health many years younger and tiredness will worsen her symptoms - as will the unfamiliar place.

I'd suggest considering having her to stay for longer.

A sensible alternative will be to look at respite care at a good nursing home local to you, where she can stay for a week and be properly cared for and visit you from there.

I've done both options with a couple of grandparents and worked well, but I do think time is one your most critical issues here. I think its too long a trip for such a short time.

Don't use a hotel!

Oh no was this a zombie??

@BobbieT1999

Oh no was this a zombie??

Did you think the OP was preparing extra early for Christmas 2022??

Today 13:59mangoontoast

BobbieT1999

Oh no was this a zombie??

Did you think the OP was preparing extra early for Christmas 2022??

😆

@Macmoominmamma, come back and update please!

Have you forgotten to turn over your calendar @BobbieT1999

How did it go, OP?

@BobbieT1999

Oh no was this a zombie??

I wouldn't necessarily say zombie as it was only Nov/Dec 2021 when the thread was started so not strictly speaking a zombie but the OP hasn't been back recently to let us know how it went.