DH wants MIL to come to us for Christmas

[Macmoominmamma]

Hi all

Your opinions please!

For context - MIL went into nursing home Feb 2020 at age of 84. She's been incredibly independent for past 50 years but now can't cope living on her own. Diagnosed with dementia, which fluctuates. She is urine incontinent, can't go up or down stairs, doesn't walk far, can't work TV or mobile phone, despite being shown many many times. She lives 100 miles away from us and her other DS lives in same village as her.

DH asked me last night if she could come to ours for Christmas, coming 23rd Dec and leaving Boxing Day. We have 2 kids, aged 15 and 9. It is 9 year olds birthday Christmas Eve (will be 10 then). I have pointed out the distance for her to travel, that she is incontinent, has dementia, she can't walk up steps (our WCs are not on ground floor), but DH says he will take her to a hotel and they will stay there overnight and come to our home for feeding, present opening etc.
I honestly don't know how to feel about this - on the one hand, it would be nice to have her, and don't want her to spend Christmas at Nursing Home, but on the other hand I think it's a disaster waiting to happen, and just a bit miserable for the kids to have their dad away from them over Christmas Day and birthday.

DH appears to have thought this through and is pretty set on it.
AIBU to put a spanner in the works by saying no?

YANBU - yes tell him it's a no
YABU - she should come.

Your DH sounds very kind and loving OP, but I'm really unsure if this is the best thing for his DM.

Would you consider all going and staying in a nice hotel or Airbnb near her, so he/you can visit on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day? That way his DM isn't uprooted from her routine and familiarity into the chaos of a family Christmas with a 200 mile round trip thrown in, and intimate care that she might not in sounder mind wish to be undertaken by her Son?

DP's Mum is coming from abroad this year to stay with his Sister near us, she's in much better health than your DMIL but after a stroke a couple of years ago there are still challenges to overcome with regards stairs / washing without being able to manage the side of a bath / mobility out and about. If she were much frailer and less stubborn than she is we'd all be going to see her x

I applaud his wish to include her, but if she really does have early dementia then this will not be a kindness to her - it will be massively disruptive - travelling, strange environment, different food - the whole shebang.

People with dementia need routine and, whilst his motives are good, I do not think the practicalities will result in a pleasurable experience for her.

I think you need to put this argument to him as it might sway him.

Your DH needs to fully think about the continence issue. Your MIL will need her pads changed and intimate care carried out so that she isn't sore. Is he happy to be doing this? I know my MIL would have been very distressed if her sons started trying to wipe her. More how steady is she on her feet? She might fall off the commode especially with no rails etc to stay herself - this is how my grandad died (on Christmas eve no less. That was a crap Christmas)

Your DH needs to talk to her care team. Does she sun down? If she does, staying in a hotel is a total no go. As others have said, it's likely to disrupt her terribly.

Fwiw my MIL was incontinent before she died, and my father has dementia.

You could all have a really miserable time I’m afraid and she may not behave well or settle if she is in strange surroundings.
She may be best staying in her care home with you visiting her for an hour or so. The care home will be able to advise - your husband isn’t being realistic.

It's bank holiday on the 27th and 28th,.. much better to have a little family trip to visit MIL then rather than uprooting her over Christmas.

Has he spoken to the nursing home?
This honestly sounds like a terrible idea for his mum.
We used to take our gran with very mild dementia out of a very local home for Christmas dinner but the last few years we stopped because she didn't enjoy it and wanted to be back in her familiar surroundings after half an hour.
Not a big deal for us, home was half an hour up the road.
Taking someone with dementia hours away sounds really difficult, what happens if she gets distressed and wants to be back in her home?

Would you be happy if she was your mum and your DH said no? If it was my MIL she would be with us for Christmas, she is 84 and you don’t know how many Christmas’s she will see.

I've worked in the NHS for 40 years and I think this is insane. He hasn't thought it through at all. She needs to be left where she is comfortable or she will get terribly confused and upset.

@SexyNeckbeard

You should all go up there and visit her on christmas day. Your kid with the birthday can (as nicely as possible) suck it up. This is important to your DH and its not a big birthday, you can still make a fuss of them. What you should not do is use the birthday as an excuse not to help your DH involve his mother at Christmas. Although I agree that the plan of bringing her to yours doesnt seem to be a good move for her, there doesn't seem to be any reason why you couldn't visit her except not wanting to.

Totally agree with this. And my experience with my own children is that they are usually happy and indeed proud to have the opportunity to do the right thing. I often think we set the bar too low for them. Mine travelled 400 km round trip last Christmas Eve with me to visit my parents before restrictions came into force (we're in Ireland) and they were very glad they did in the end.

My mum was like your mil. She died at 84. This might be your last Christmas. It didn't even occur to me to ask my husband if she could come, it was a given. I had 4 children 11 and under and I love the fact they all remember my mum and I treasure the memories I have of her on that last Christmas notwithstanding it was extra work for me and my husband. She had a lovely day by the way.

But, my mum was a kind soul who had always been there for both me and my husband. Maybe you have a different relationship and that's fine too. Just be thoughtful towards your husband as it's his mum.

I think
You should book a cottage near her nursing home and all go up

We had a relative with Alzheimer's and they would not have coped in this scenario at all, with the journey, with staying in an unfamiliar place, disruption to routine (particularly toilet routine) and with family who may have become unfamiliar to them. It can be difficult to calm them when they get distressed by things like this. Its a very long visit for someone with that condition. Not like a few hours over lunch.

Your DHs is doing this with the very best of intentions but I think he is underestimating the difficulties. There are so many things that could go wrong and he is actually asking a lot from his DM, I think she will certainly find it all too much.
You would be better off taking the whole family for a "Christmas" visit (ie it doesn't have to be Christmas Day) with her, having lunch and presents together and so on and letting her be in familiar surroundings with help at hand and the ability to rest when she needs to. If you all stayed in a near by hotel you could spend breakfast time together with her too and then go back for your DD's birthday. Her care home is probably going to be doing Christmas lunch etc and she will probably also enjoy that. They can organise Video calls with families so everyone can talk to her on the day.
I hope you find a solution that suits all of you.

If BIL can visit her Christmas day, can you all travel over after Christmas and spend time with her? (or just DH go?)
I appreciate that DH probably thinks it may be her last Christmas - but TBH, if she has Dementia, will she know that it's Christmas? (or who you all are, which could be even more upsetting for DH.

@Reviewer123456

Would you be happy if she was your mum and your DH said no? If it was my MIL she would be with us for Christmas, she is 84 and you don’t know how many Christmas’s she will see.

Another incredibly naive post. MIL will be scared and confused.

Read the full thread and listen to the posters who have/had parents with dementia.

Has your DH actually discussed this plan with her carers at the home? I'm pretty sure they'd have something to say about it. I imagine they'll plan a lovely day for their residents and her being in familiar surroundings is surely more preferable than what your DH is planning. Plus I imagine Covid will be a factor – taking her to a hotel where she'll come into contact with lots of strangers surely puts her health at risk and also might jeopardise her returning to the home. What if they get pinged as a close contact of someone who works there? They'd have to isolate there for 10 days under the new rules announced yesterday.

Awful idea. And if she does come to visit will she have to isolate in her room for two weeks when she gets returned to the care home? Utterly unkind

@Macmoominmamma

I don't want to repeat the hundreds of good posts. Your DH has good intentions, but this is NOT in his mums best interest, not even if there was a way for her to stay at your house.

Moving dementia patients in this way is incredibly detrimental to them, he needs to speak to her team manager at her care home.

The car journey alone would be uncomfortable/painful & distressing.

As many others have already said, you all need to go up there fir a few days and visit for short periods daily if you're allowed. DH needs to see what's permitted & as it's still a month away, in the middle of winter, you'll need to remain flexible.

Your 9/10 yo can have just as good a birthday away as at home & celebrate with friend before/after.

Christmas will be different, but it won't hurt any of you.

I think you need to help facilitate this plan & make him see sense from your MIL's POV about his 'plan'. Not from your or your children's perspective, HERS.

But, my mum was a kind soul who had always been there for both me and my husband. Maybe you have a different relationship and that's fine too.

What are you suggesting here?

@miltonj

I think if he's thought about it and is willing to do all her personal care, then it obviously means a great deal to him. It's good for your children to see their parents model kind, self sacrificial behaviour as well.

This is the best reason. When you grow old and are demented, maybe your DC will "sacrifice" a birthday to have you come for a visit. Frankly, you sound like a very self-centered person.

Your DH is being terribly selfish. His poor mother is already suffering the torment of dementia. She needs to feel safe and secure and familiar with her surroundings. You cant uproot this poor woman and chuck her into a hotel. Your DH needs to visit his mum where she lives. Keep it comfortable for her and place her needs at the centre of the decision

Hmm it’s a tough one.
We did this with my granny and it turned out to be her last Christmas as she died the following spring, so we were glad that we did it.
It was very hard - me and my aunt did the personal care (both have worked in care so used to it).

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable really. It will be very difficult but could be worth it, especially for DH.

I don't know how I'd feel in your situation so I'm not going to say you are or aren't being unreasonable. But is he perhaps thinking that with her failing health and also covid, that this could be the last time he gets to have Christmas with his mum?

I’m totally unhelpful now but why is she so far from you all?

He could pick her up on Christmas and drop her back that evening.

Long drive but I don’t think having her overnight is a good idea.

I do think you should spend Christmas with her, however you manage it. Good luck.

Very sad situation....I think your dh probably doesn't realise how much of a disaster this will be and is idealising the thought of spending Christmas with his mum. . I can't see it being a success

Oh no. This is about him, you need to tell him very gently that he's being selfish - understandably.

She will be uncomfortable, possibly distressed in unfamiliar surroundings, she won't be used to your DH doing her personal care. It's just not fair on her. He is meeting HIS needs, not hers.

I agree with the suggestion that you should go to her. It could indeed be her last Christmas, and while I think you should totally speak up about how bad an idea this is, you should also 100% be prepared for you guys to be the ones doing the decamping and support his wish and need to be with his mum.

I'd suggest if at all possible a hotel near her nursing home, and visit as much as you can, share as much of Christmas as possible.

But please leave a frail lady with dementia in her comfort zone and with her personal carers and not transport her to an unfamiliar hotel room :(