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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants MIL to come to us for Christmas

357 replies

Macmoominmamma · 29/11/2021 17:51

Hi all

Your opinions please!

For context - MIL went into nursing home Feb 2020 at age of 84. She's been incredibly independent for past 50 years but now can't cope living on her own. Diagnosed with dementia, which fluctuates. She is urine incontinent, can't go up or down stairs, doesn't walk far, can't work TV or mobile phone, despite being shown many many times. She lives 100 miles away from us and her other DS lives in same village as her.

DH asked me last night if she could come to ours for Christmas, coming 23rd Dec and leaving Boxing Day. We have 2 kids, aged 15 and 9. It is 9 year olds birthday Christmas Eve (will be 10 then). I have pointed out the distance for her to travel, that she is incontinent, has dementia, she can't walk up steps (our WCs are not on ground floor), but DH says he will take her to a hotel and they will stay there overnight and come to our home for feeding, present opening etc.
I honestly don't know how to feel about this - on the one hand, it would be nice to have her, and don't want her to spend Christmas at Nursing Home, but on the other hand I think it's a disaster waiting to happen, and just a bit miserable for the kids to have their dad away from them over Christmas Day and birthday.

DH appears to have thought this through and is pretty set on it.
AIBU to put a spanner in the works by saying no?

YANBU - yes tell him it's a no
YABU - she should come.

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 29/11/2021 18:52

Aww your DH sounds lovely and I definitely would not be disallowing this to happen for the reasons you’ve cited- your DS will have many more birthdays, but I think your DH is probably afraid that this is his DM’s last Christmas. I would only worry that the trip,the unfamiliar surroundings and the fact that your MIL will have to go back to the nursing home and familiarise herself with it and it’s routine all over again might be too much for her. I would think it better for you all to go to her hometown for Christmas if at all possible.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 29/11/2021 18:52

I don't think it sounds like a very good idea from you MIL's perspective, could you suggest to your Husband that you all as a family go and visit her instead, you can stay in a hotel near her and spend a bit more time with her?

It doesn't sound at all practical but I can understand him wanting to spend the time with her when it may be her last.

JustLyra · 29/11/2021 18:52

When was the last time she left the care home? Do they take her out?

He needs to sit down and think about this from her side.

Would she want to be using a commode in the study with her son cleaning her up if needed?

Will leaving her familiar surroundings, travelling a distance, then being back and forth between different places be something she enjoys? Or will it be confusing and frightening for her?

Would spending several days with her son one-to-one, then the rest of you multiple times be too much for her?
Equally would she love that interaction and then be sad and miss it when she returns to the home?

He needs to think of her first, and himself second in this one. She has to be the priority in making a decision like this.

Greenpolkadot · 29/11/2021 18:53

How will explain away the wet bed at the hotel.?
Poor lady,,she will be even more confused and probably get really upset being away from her surroundings at the residential home

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 29/11/2021 18:53

@sopsmum

My mum was like your mil. She died at 84. This might be your last Christmas. It didn't even occur to me to ask my husband if she could come, it was a given. I had 4 children 11 and under and I love the fact they all remember my mum and I treasure the memories I have of her on that last Christmas notwithstanding it was extra work for me and my husband. She had a lovely day by the way.

But, my mum was a kind soul who had always been there for both me and my husband. Maybe you have a different relationship and that's fine too. Just be thoughtful towards your husband as it's his mum.

I'm glad you had a lovely last Christmas with your Mum & that you have wonderful Memories of it. 💕

But had your mum been in a carehome 100 miles away for 2 years with dementia? Was she incontinent?

Elderly with mild dementia is one thing, severe dementia requiring being in a care home & being incontinent is quite another. Being willing to care for her snd being able to care for her needs properly are two entirely different things as well. Giving someone a proper bed bath is not an easy task, let alone in a hotel.

TheresACrackInEverything · 29/11/2021 18:53

I really feel for you and DH here, you are trying to do the best in a bad situation. We had the same issue with mil only 15 miles away. Last 2 Christmases she was alive, DH went to pick her up and she was already in such a tiz it was clear she could go nowhere. He stayed for a few hours while I cooked dinner, and then came home. We went up with DCs (who were young) a couple of days later and took her out. Where, incidentally, she had an accident. I really wouldn't do this. It won't be happy for anyone.

Daleksatemyshed · 29/11/2021 18:53

Op, your DH sounds like a lovely man and I'm sure he thinks having his DM to stay for Christmas is the the right and kind thing to do, however, as someone who cared for my DM when she had dementia I'm not so sure. He thinks Christmas at your home will be lovely for her but what people with dementia need is routine and familar surroundings or they can be utterly lost and distressed, after just a few days in hospital my DM would be so much worse because she couldn't recognise anything.
It might be that your DH has a bit of an unrealistic idea of how his DM's condition is progressing, I'd absolutely get him to speak to her Nursing Home and see what they think about this idea.

Elieza · 29/11/2021 18:53

It’s cruel to take her out of unfamiliar surroundings to satisfy his need for a last Christmas.

He needs to stop thinking with his heart and start thinking with his head.

Visiting her. now that’s a different thing altogether and would be nice if it could be arranged.

Why don’t you phone the care home for him and get the lowdown.

Platax · 29/11/2021 18:55

If your MIL has dementia, actually being with you on Christmas Day will mean very little to her. I suspect she would get just as much pleasure if you stay nearby before or after Xmas and maybe take her out a couple of times. Your DH may also be able to talk to her on the day online?

godmum56 · 29/11/2021 18:56

speaking professionally I love your DH for wanting to do it but its got all the makings of a train wreck. I don't see how you can say a flat no but could he be persuaded to settle for a family visit close to christmas? has he ever cared for someone who is frail and incontinent?

diddl · 29/11/2021 18:56

Can't help thinking that that's very unfair to expect that of her.

Obviously I don't know how progressed her dementia is though.

I would have thought it much better for him to go to her.

SaraKatie · 29/11/2021 18:58

I can see why you would have reservations, but I’m guessing he’s worried that he won’t have many more chances to spend Xmas with his mum. I’d probably agree to it as long as the logistics are well worked out.

turbonerd · 29/11/2021 18:58

You should say no. Travelling like that is detrimental to her health; it will cause her a setback she likely will never recover from.
It is absolutely not advicable, he must not put her through this. It will unsettle her no end.
Much better you wait until after xmas and travel up to see her all together if you can.

DysmalRadius · 29/11/2021 18:59

Had he shown to the budgeting home staff to see what they think of his plan? They are presumably best placed to assess her care needs and offer advice.

Fatarseflanagan09 · 29/11/2021 18:59

I've worked in nursing homes who catered for dementia patients and it's hard work, has your husband thought this out?
Has he considered you and the children or does he expect you to do the toileting and changing of incontinence pads, cleaning up and possibly changing soiled clothing?
She obviously won't be able to manage stairs and he won't be able to do all this himself so you're going to be helping him and doing the cooking, cleaning and managing the children at probably the busiest time of the year plus a birthday to sort out, he's thinking of himself not his mother or his wife and children, is he usually this selfish?

Justmuddlingalong · 29/11/2021 19:02

Another thing to be considered is the safety issue if she becomes disorientated and upset in the car. It's not uncommon for dementia sufferers to lash out. If she becomes upset at the hotel or your home, that's a hell of a journey to undertake if she becomes aggressive through fear.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 29/11/2021 19:02

It'd be a No from me. Being in a hotel then in your house, and being expected to urinate in the study on a commode, she will get very confused and upset.
I work in a dementia nursing home, we did have a lady who went to her daughter each Sunday for lunch and also for Christmas dinner. The family were healthcare professionals, yet knew only to take her just before the actual meals and brought her back soon after to prevent her getting more confused and upset.

Babyvenusplant · 29/11/2021 19:05

I really don't think its in your mil best interests at all, in fact has your husband even asked her? I would be surprised if she agreed to come

forrestgreen · 29/11/2021 19:05

I'd tell him you think it'll be lovely to see her at Christmas but his plan needs work.
Dc birthday needs protecting and dad needs to be present.
So either travel to her and stay over near, maybe take her out on Christmas Day
Or travel up early Boxing Day, take loads of party food she'll like, music planned from her era. Bunting etc. see if you can do something at her home or at your hotel.

But, Covid will mess up your plans

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 29/11/2021 19:06

Can your Dh go to the family nearby and visit her each day for a short time instead of driving her so far to your house. Also he may want to speak to the home. On her return she may need to isolate due to covid. That will add more distress and confusion to her. It's a selfish plan he needs to work with her where she is, not transport her so far.

Tanith · 29/11/2021 19:06

I am thinking of DH's grandmother, who was once brought from her nursing home a similar distance, drove everyone to distraction with her arguing on the journey, and then burst into tears on arrival because she wanted to go back home again!
She was confused and disorientated, hated every minute of her stay and made Christmas hell in consequence with either crying, arguing or criticism.

My normally placid and tolerant step-MIL swore by every god known to humanity that she would never, ever facility it again!

Grandmother was so much happier in her familiar environment with Christmas Day visits from the family.

5keletor · 29/11/2021 19:06

It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen, and most of all will be very distressing for his mum, I would imagine.
It would probably be a better idea to visit her on boxing day, so she doesn't have to travel and will be in familiar surroundings.

DirectionToPerfection · 29/11/2021 19:07

@Babyvenusplant

I really don't think its in your mil best interests at all, in fact has your husband even asked her? I would be surprised if she agreed to come
Is she even capable of understanding the question or giving an answer?

He really needs to speak to the nursing staff at the home and be really clear with them about what his plan entails; the distance, the hotel, etc. They will shut it down pretty quickly I'm sure.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 29/11/2021 19:08

It sounds like a terrible idea - for her.

She will be uneasy and possibly frightened about the change in scenery, a strange hotel. Dementia patients don't do well with change.
She will have toileting and other issues that will need to be addressed = by your husband.

I would propose you all visit her during the week instead and celebrate Christmas in surroundings she is used to. Bring a mini tree, wear festive Christmas clothes, etc and go to her. You can always stay in a hotel near her for a night and visit her2 days running.

EverdeRose · 29/11/2021 19:09

As someone who works with patients with dementia. DO NOT DO THIS!!!

She'll be so confused and unsettled by all the changes in her environment she'll hate it.

It would be much nicer for family to visit close to Christmas and maybe share afternoon tea in her room or take her out for a few hours if she feels up to it.