Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I've made a terrible mistake in deciding to move house

223 replies

Scubadivinginabox · 29/11/2021 12:22

I’m having sleepless nights over this and would appreciate some advice.

We live in an area where secondary schools that we would get into are all Ofsted ‘Requires improvement’. We live in a city and DH has wanted to move out to a rural location for a long time now. So we decided to put our DD in for the 11 plus with a view to moving to the more rural grammar school area.

We will find out on March 1st if she has got in to one of two grammar schools (one 50 mins away, one 1 hour 10 mins away) and then the plan is to put our house on the market and move near one of them.

The problem is that I don’t want to move. I’ve lived in this city for 18 years and in our house for 10 and I have a great circle of friends and a community. DH says it’s too built up but the rural villages we’ve looked at seem to have everyone living on top of each other. I don’t want to be away from city life and conveniences and start all over again with making new mum friends. There are buses DD can get to school but I don’t think that’s fair on a child to commute 2 hours a day for school.

My DD and DH want to move, me and DS really don’t. I feel stupid for putting her through a really difficult year of studying for the exam and then balking at following the plan through. Everyone else around here seems happy to send their kids to the local school.

Should I put my happiness aside for hers? It feels like everything is in motion now and I’m powerless to stop it.

WWYD?
AIBU for not wanting to move?

OP posts:
LagneyandCasey · 29/11/2021 12:42

An hour on the bus each way isn't too bad if she's going to a school that's good and she's happy with.

Is moving somewhere in between where she would have a shorter bus ride, but you are nearer the city, an option?

Embracelife · 29/11/2021 12:44

Do you work? What about your commute? Dh commute?
What do you both value?

Nightmanagerfan · 29/11/2021 12:46

I spent about an hour travelling to school each way and it was fine! Chatted to friends on the bus etc. I would stay where you are. Otherwise when you have teens you will also become a taxi service.

Original poster
Scubadivinginabox · 29/11/2021 12:56

I work from home and DH will have to commute 2 days a week so it's not a big deal for us. It's DD who would have to commute 5 days a week and she's really not keen to do that.

OP posts:
OneRingToRuleThemAll · 29/11/2021 12:56

We had the same considerations, and are at the same life stage with an 11yo child just about to start high school.

We had the house on the market but it fell through and we withdrew with a sigh of relief.

The city centre is far more connected and accessible. We could have afforded more house further out, but we don't actually want more house. It felt like something we 'should' do rather than what either of us wanted.

Acunningruse · 29/11/2021 12:59

If you both wfh then can you take her/pick her up at least some of the time so she wouldn't have such a long bus journey every day? Will any of her friends also go to the grammar school who could lift share?

That being said I lived rurally and had a 50 minute bus journey each way to secondary school, it was just normal for where we lived.

Bluntness100 · 29/11/2021 13:02

It’s not just your happiness if you don’t move you will be putting her in a school that requires improvement and you made her work for a year to get in to a better school.

Personally I don’t think it’s remotely right to do that, lead her on then say nah not for me when it comes to it, off you pop to the poor school, my mates are more important.

That’s something you should have done a year ago.

Wondergirl100 · 29/11/2021 13:04

I think you need to sit down with pen and paper and write all the reasons you are moving and the reasons you want to stay - will you really need mum friends so much with kids in secondary - isn't it a different stage?

Have you visited the local schools - sometimes requires improvement means schools get huge investment - it does in our areas. the worst schools have got the biggest energy and new head teachers with plans to turn them around. Would your daughter consider them?

Why does your husband want a rural life?

I read a good question about making decisions - what would have to be true for the opposite to be right for you? ie what would have to be true for the move to be the right thing.

Embracelife · 29/11/2021 13:05

You don't know yet if she got in

DriftingBlue · 29/11/2021 13:06

I don’t understand why she would have to commute? I thought you were moving house to be near her new school?

User123654123654 · 29/11/2021 13:07

I wouldn’t move house just so I was closer to my daughters school! She’ll only be there for 5 years, then what? 1 hour commute there and back is not really a big deal and you shouldn’t have given her the option of deciding she “wasn’t keen on it…”

Starcup · 29/11/2021 13:12

Tbh she might not even get in to the school. They’re always over subscribed. Most kids have private tutoring for years it’s that competitive.

Obviously you’ve not told us the ins and outs but I wouldn’t assume it’s a given by any stretch.

I’d wait until March, see if she gets a place then take it from there. No point in putting house up for sale etc if she doesn’t ends get in and yous don’t want to move anyway…

SlipperTripper · 29/11/2021 13:13

Is there not a middle ground half way between school and current home? Shorter commute for her, you're still within easy reach of everything you and your DS know? Seems that your DH's requirements are fairly flexible.

An hour commute isn't the end of the world for secondary (I did it) but it is a pain when you want to be out with friends at weekends/holidays and they potentially live 1.5 hours away. That is isolating.

Original poster
Scubadivinginabox · 29/11/2021 13:16

Well it's 7 years if you count sixth form as well and 9 years if you count younger DS.

DD would be commuting if we didn't move - that's what I meant. I'm surprised that a lot of you don't think 2 hours a day on a bus for an 11 year old is a big deal...

OP posts:
Giggorata · 29/11/2021 13:19

I would stay in the house and area, but commit wholeheartedly to transporting her to and from the grammar school at least some of the time, to make some of the days less long.
Could you afford an independent school with a decent record that Is nearer?

VeganVampire · 29/11/2021 13:19

Well you know that 'rural living' you talk about? Not many schools on farmland

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 29/11/2021 13:23

I think even ignoring the school issue & what both the kids want for the moment, you & DH want different things. That's the first thing that needs sorting out.

Once you've decided where you're going to live you can decide about the schools.

Bus 1 hr each way isn't a big deal, and you can take/collect her on certain days or for particular events/reasons.

That's IF she gets in.

MotorwayDiva · 29/11/2021 13:23

I commuted an hour to school each way and I hated it. All my friends were local to school and after leaving school lost touch with them all.

Cornettoninja · 29/11/2021 13:24

@Bluntness100

It’s not just your happiness if you don’t move you will be putting her in a school that requires improvement and you made her work for a year to get in to a better school.

Personally I don’t think it’s remotely right to do that, lead her on then say nah not for me when it comes to it, off you pop to the poor school, my mates are more important.

That’s something you should have done a year ago.

This is pretty much what I thought tbh.

How does your dd feel about it all?

Dillydilly01 · 29/11/2021 13:25

Don't move - you don't want to and it really is a decision for your DH and yourself to make, not your children. One of you doesn't want to move, decision made, that's it, not moving.

Next is to decide what is best for your DD, if she gets an offer in the grammar school, either not accept the place or get the bus each day. Or go to local school and pay for extra tutoring if needed.

It's a huge change moving from a city to a more rural location, you will find it harder to make friends, especially with school parents as children get older. There isn't the opportunities to meet them. Your children are older, you will miss the entertainment factor of a city.

Don't do it.

TuftyMarmoset · 29/11/2021 13:26

What will the commute to the school be if you do move and what are the other schools like if she doesn’t get into the grammar school?

eightlivesdown · 29/11/2021 13:28

One thing with travelling an hour to school is that she'd be a long way distant from her school friends for social events.

Regarding the local schools, you need to dig deeper into the reasons they are rated "Requires Improvement" and speak to your friends who have kids there to get a better understanding if their quality.

Overall, it seems there are 2 separate albeit connected issues.

  1. Where do you live, town or rural? You want town (supported by DS), DH wants rural (supported by DD). I think you need to resolve this separate to the schooling issue. Perhaps you can find a happy medium, e.g. move to a less build up p[art of the town, or its outskirts close to the countryside.
  2. DD schooling.

One thing to consider regarding village life is the ability of DS and DD to get around independently as public transport may be limited.

TheElvishQueen · 29/11/2021 13:29

I would move if she gets in. You can still see your friends, they’re still within travelling distance. If she doesn’t get in, reassess.

Capferret · 29/11/2021 13:29

If your dh and dd are not unhappy in the city then don't move.
Everyone has to want to move.
I moved to a rural area, my dh loves it and I'm stuck now. I'd move back to the town tomorrow.

TuftyMarmoset · 29/11/2021 13:29

Grammar schools do then to have a wide catchment so I don‘t think an hour would be unusual for that. I always see pupils at my local grammar school coming in at the train station when I’m going to work.