I think I've made a terrible mistake in deciding to move house

[Scubadivinginabox]

I’m having sleepless nights over this and would appreciate some advice.

We live in an area where secondary schools that we would get into are all Ofsted ‘Requires improvement’. We live in a city and DH has wanted to move out to a rural location for a long time now. So we decided to put our DD in for the 11 plus with a view to moving to the more rural grammar school area.

We will find out on March 1st if she has got in to one of two grammar schools (one 50 mins away, one 1 hour 10 mins away) and then the plan is to put our house on the market and move near one of them.

The problem is that I don’t want to move. I’ve lived in this city for 18 years and in our house for 10 and I have a great circle of friends and a community. DH says it’s too built up but the rural villages we’ve looked at seem to have everyone living on top of each other. I don’t want to be away from city life and conveniences and start all over again with making new mum friends. There are buses DD can get to school but I don’t think that’s fair on a child to commute 2 hours a day for school.

My DD and DH want to move, me and DS really don’t. I feel stupid for putting her through a really difficult year of studying for the exam and then balking at following the plan through. Everyone else around here seems happy to send their kids to the local school.

Should I put my happiness aside for hers? It feels like everything is in motion now and I’m powerless to stop it.

WWYD?
AIBU for not wanting to move?

I think an hour each way is too much. And laughing at the pp who felt the need to point out that they pack "healthy" snacks for the bus ride .

It would help if you would give a geographical location OP. Then we might be able to advise. For example, if you live in Exeter, and want your dd to go to Colyton, local people might have ideas. If you live in London and want your dd to go to a grammar school in Kent you have the whole county to choose from, so you could move to somewhere like Canterbury.

And "mum" friends is such a twee phrase. What about just friends? They don't' have to be mums - in fact it's often better if you meet people through work and hobbies.

What happens if your DS doesn't also get into the grammar?
Is he then commuting back to the city?

One step at a time op! See if sue gets in and let her start and see if she likes it. Then you can think more about actually moving. I agree there must be a compromise. Really talk to your dp about your concerns. It would be a life change so you wouldn't be doing the same things, no. Could you get more involved in country life?

I think you need to have an honest and open family discussion. Your DD and DHs desire to move are just as important as yours and DSs desire to stay. Your desire to stay somewhere connected is probably matched by DHs desire to move out of horrible, built up dirty city life. Your desire for continuity matches by DHs desire for a new start. Neither is wrong but someone is going to have to give. At an hour you could easily catch up with friends every couple of weeks.

Has DH been compromising living in a city for a number of years? What is DS doing re schooling?

I agree let her start and commute it and see.
Or do the commute with her now.
Also if everyone else is happy with the local school perhaps there is something you are not seeing. Our local school was Requires Improvement 5 years ago. Local school is now the most oversubscribed in the borough and youngest DC thriving there.

I’m baffled by the problem with an hour. Took me an hour to get to school all the way through secondary. Fairly standard time to get across London as it’s so big. There were students who had longer journeys than that because it was an excellent school.

If you’re so bothered by it you could move for the limited time period she’s at school, so you know you’ll return?

I don't think an hour on a bus is the end of the world - you could at least try it for a year to see how she gets on with it before committing to a move - maybe that's a compromise.

I had a long walk to and from school and my sons walk for nearly an hour and it's valuable decompression time I find. They rarely try to cadge a lift, I think it's the novelty - they like just chatting to their friends face to face instead of a bloody screen.

Don't panic yet OP! It's much easier to get yourself excited about moving TO something and you're not at that stage yet. At the moment all you can see is what you'd be moving away FROM. Wait and see what happens after 1 March.

@TatianaBis

I’m baffled by the problem with an hour. Took me an hour to get to school all the way through secondary. Fairly standard time to get across London as it’s so big. There were students who had longer journeys than that because it was an excellent school.

If you’re so bothered by it you could move for the limited time period she’s at school, so you know you’ll return?

I’m not baffled at all, adding two hour commute is never ideal it’s easier for the op to travel back to see her mates.

Have you visited the schools in question?

If you move to the rural area you have to weigh up the time you would save getting DD to school vs the extra time it’s likely to take to get to the supermarket, doctors, dentist, pharmacy, shops, train station, yours and DH’s places of employment, DS’s school (or would you move him to a different school as well, in which case disruptive for him), leisure facilities, DC’s school friends (as rural kids are more spread out), DC’s activities, etc.

Your daughter wouldn’t have known it was an option if you hadn’t put her in for it though.
Seeing how it goes by her commuting is potentially setting her up for a rubbish time at school. She won’t be able to stay to clubs or go to friends houses easily affecting her making friends. However you dress it up a 7am bus day in day out is grim. Teens need more sleep than adults.

It would certainly be easier if they move I’m not questioning that. But an hour to school is not uncommon outside comprehensives where everyone goes to the local school.

I wouldn't want my daughter to have a 2-hour round commute every day. She'll have homework on top (which will be tricky to do on a bus), and I'd be worried she'll have no free time left to herself.

If money isn't an object, there is a lot to be said for being within a reasonably easy walk of school as a teen.

Don't move. You're happy where you are, and the commute for your daughter is fine. Lots of kids will be doing the same, and as she gets older she'll appreciate the independence it brings her. Plus, speaking of getting older, both your kids will almost certainly be bored in the countryside where there is nothing to do but underage drinking and drug taking. You sound like you have a good set up where you are, and your daughter will be fine on the bus.

Realistically how likely is it she will get a place? The grammars around here are hugely over-subscribed. It's not just a case of passing the 11 plus, it comes down to percentage score and distance from the school. 50 mins to an hour is not local catchment, where I am that would discount you straight away.

I would not do anything until you know whether she has a place or not, and I would also do a lot of research into alternative school options.

That aside grammars aren't for everyone. V competitive. They best suit kids that can sail through the 11 plus with a high mark without much extra help. For those that have to work to get in the pressure once they are there to keep up makes for a very miserable school experience. Horses for courses.

Also, how resilient is your dd? The girls grammars here are quite bitchy, kids need a thick skin unless they are part of the very smart good looking crowd that rule the roost. That sounds awful, and it is, but my goodness the nastiness on the train to the ones they deem to be uncool. It's uncomfortable. DH messaged me once from the train to ask me to speak to one girl's mum, as he witnessed horrible bullying daily. He was worried about the girl but obviously couldn't approach a group of teenage girls to do anything about it. The poor kid in question had a break down and left the school.

Something to factor in to the decision. School life is about more than grades.

I grew up rurally so everyone had almost an hour a day each way kn bus from middle school to end of 6th form. Don't move! My mum had to drive me to every activity I couldn't cycle too.

1. People are allowed to change their minds
2. Travelling back to see your mates is not the same as living in a community
3. Kids travel miles to go to grammar, it goes with the territory. Very unlikely to have mates on the doorstep in a village. Much better to have primary school mates at home and new friends at school.

Is your ds also likely to get into the grammar, otherwise will you have another issue in a few years time e.g him commuting for a hour each way to get to a different school? Something to consider?

If you dont move, can you afford private schools in your city? (Or boarding elsewhere). Investigate this fast if she's already year 6.

Are there small towns as an option to move to that are reasonable commute for dds desired school?

Your mum friends - if they are real friends (not just friends of convenience because you have similar aged dcs), then you can keep those friendships going if you travel to meet up with them.

If you think the distance will make it impossible for you to keep friendships going, how do you think your dd will do socially at her new school if she's too far away to ever meet up with them after school/ weekends / holidays? Why is your social life more important than your dds?

I really would look at local options again - including pricing up private options.

How far are the schools? Is the 1 hour driving or via bus (including walking to bust stop, waiting, walking from bus)? There could be a big difference in those two things.

I had a 1 hour commute to grammar school from age 11. It was only around 6 miles, but walking to bus stop, waiting, taking 2 buses and then walking to school took an hour each way. It was fine, most people had similar. Friends were dispersed, but driving distances were smallish so with parents willing to drive us about got to see friends weekends and holidays. I drove in 6th form.

Are the schools in rural villages? Or are you looking to move to a rural village where she would have a short(ish) walk, bus or car journey? Are there no towns or villages mid way between where you are now and the schools?

What would the situation be for your ds if you move? Would he also have to sit 11+? What if he doesn't get a place? Will he have to commute back to his primary school until secondary?

I disagree with parents asking children to make decisions about things like house moves. Of course they need to be considered (hugely!) but where to live is a decision for adults to make.

I currently drive my kid 50 mins to grammar school but am moving to the town where their school is after ten years in this house so they can be self sufficient in walking to school and I'm freed up from the commute.

I know several DCs who did these long commutes. They didn't like them! When they got to 6th form, they switched to local schools . Also the cost is tremendous! That money could be used for holidays, hobbies...... or even tutoring.