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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I've made a terrible mistake in deciding to move house

223 replies

Scubadivinginabox · 29/11/2021 12:22

I’m having sleepless nights over this and would appreciate some advice.

We live in an area where secondary schools that we would get into are all Ofsted ‘Requires improvement’. We live in a city and DH has wanted to move out to a rural location for a long time now. So we decided to put our DD in for the 11 plus with a view to moving to the more rural grammar school area.

We will find out on March 1st if she has got in to one of two grammar schools (one 50 mins away, one 1 hour 10 mins away) and then the plan is to put our house on the market and move near one of them.

The problem is that I don’t want to move. I’ve lived in this city for 18 years and in our house for 10 and I have a great circle of friends and a community. DH says it’s too built up but the rural villages we’ve looked at seem to have everyone living on top of each other. I don’t want to be away from city life and conveniences and start all over again with making new mum friends. There are buses DD can get to school but I don’t think that’s fair on a child to commute 2 hours a day for school.

My DD and DH want to move, me and DS really don’t. I feel stupid for putting her through a really difficult year of studying for the exam and then balking at following the plan through. Everyone else around here seems happy to send their kids to the local school.

Should I put my happiness aside for hers? It feels like everything is in motion now and I’m powerless to stop it.

WWYD?
AIBU for not wanting to move?

OP posts:
dizzydizzydizzy · 29/11/2021 16:52

Also my DCs went to a local school. In Y11, they stayed late almost every day for revision. We then had to pick them up by car because they missed the school bus, but it wasn't a big deal most of the time because it takes less than 10 minutes to drive each way.

caringcarer · 29/11/2021 16:55

You dd worked really hard for a solid year, then sat daunting exams. If she gets in I think you owe her to move closer to her school. If you work from home and your DH only has to commute twice a week then surely it makes sense to move to reward your dd for working hard. If you don't move she will have to attend the crap school and she will start to wonder we hy did I we ork so hard for this. She will surely resent you. You can always keep in touch with friends but be open to make new friends too. If you don't move, could you see your younger dd we Working hard to attend the crap school? Your dd may not pass so wait to see before you decide what to do. You might find you like rural living. I moved from city to village outside of town and love it. It is greener, prettier and I can walk dogs around a lovely lake. No smog and my asthma is so much better now. Still plenty to do as large town about 3 miles away and large city 14 miles.

TopCatsTopHat · 29/11/2021 16:55

It's a lot to put on dd that the move is for her school. If it is an unsuccessful transition (villages can be heavenly or awful or in between) and no-one is happy she could feel terribly guilty. If her school doesn't go well she'll be under a lot of pressure to make a success of it when everyone has sacrificed so much for her. Because really you don't want to move so it is a sacrifice.

unname · 29/11/2021 17:08

OR

You move, though you feel it's the wrong thing to do AND your DD hates it, is miserable and so are you and DH. There are no guarantees that anyone will be happy with this random, poorly thought out move that was decided upon because DH and DD "want to live someplace else."

You can only base decisions on what you know and feel at the time. You don't walk down the aisle thinking "I know this is the wrong, but I already agreed even before I knew my intended was an axe murderer, so must therefore follow through."

user0176 · 29/11/2021 17:15

I think you need to see if she gets in first, no point stressing about it all if it's a moot point.

TatianaBis · 29/11/2021 17:51

If you dont move, can you afford private schools in your city? (Or boarding elsewhere). Investigate this fast if she's already year 6.

Or state boarding like Cranbrook.

TeenTitan007 · 29/11/2021 18:09

If you love where you live, don't move. Life is too short to uproot yourself (unhappily).
I'd never leave a place I was happily settled in because my child has prepped a year for an exam. Surely all your mental health is worth more than that?

TatianaBis · 29/11/2021 18:15

What about DD’s mental health? I’d be furious. Worked her arse off for a year and then oops mum doesn’t want to leave her friends.

They only have to move there for the duration of school it’s not like they can’t come back or as if it’s very far away.

Nc574mn · 29/11/2021 18:18

Could you stretch to independent schools close by?

Nc574mn · 29/11/2021 18:19

You could even consider remortgaging as I'm guessing you'll be prepped for this if you're considering moving

RitaFires · 29/11/2021 18:25

I would hold tight until you know whether she got in or not before doing anything. If she does get in and you decide not to move, don't be surprised if it destroys your credibility with your daughter. Working extra hard for a whole year at 11 and then having the rug pulled out from under you when your parents renege on a promise is the kind of thing that sticks with you.

Embracelife · 29/11/2021 18:44

She can still go
Just a longer commute
It s parents decision
To move or not

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 29/11/2021 18:51

Do other children go on a school bus or train to one of these schools?

If so, she won't be alone, and that will be part of the school experience. One of mine goes to a grammar school an hour away. She doesn't love the journey but is on there with friends and she would still choose that school if you gave her the option all over again.

NewlyGranny · 29/11/2021 18:56

An hour away by car does not translate to an hour on the bus, though! Buses go all around the houses, stopping and starting to pick kids up. It could easily be a two-hour bus ride each way and that's far too much for an 11yo.

MrsBobDylan · 29/11/2021 19:05

I think you got carried away with giving your dd 'opportunities' and now you are facing the reality.

If your dd is bright and hardworking, she will be fine at an underperforming school.

The problem you have now is how dd would feel about not taking up the place she worked so hard for, if it's offered. I think you need to take your cue from her - would she commute, would she be ok to turn down the place, or would she feel resentful for the rest of her life?

whiteroseredrose · 29/11/2021 19:24

It's tricky. We moved into a Grammar school area but my DM lived close by and it is a suburb not rural. It would have been a real wrench to have to move to somewhere rural.

DD was able to walk to school, but most of her friends lived 30 minutes away.

Mondaymindy · 29/11/2021 19:24

We live rurally. Its v different to.a city. ( we used to live in a fab city).
An hours commute is fine. Quite often our ds, who went out of county to school, used to sleep on the bus. It was hard getting up.early but it was worth it as he loved the school. We used to pick him up as a trear on fridays and take him for food.the only problem.was extra ciricular stuff but we shared lifts when we could with others. Dd went to.an equally good ( on paper) local.school amd it was awful.( to us) .
Dont move before she goes.. what if she doesnt like it ?! And you have moved for no reason.
If you really have to be near the school, cd you rent and rent yr house out ?

Moonlaserbearwolf · 29/11/2021 20:03

If she gets in... how about renting out your city house and renting a place in the country? A lot of families do that at our rural school and it seems to work well (obviously hassle of finding tenants for your house and finding a rental - but it's a less drastic option than selling/buying when you aren't sure about the move).

TatianaBis · 29/11/2021 20:10

@Moonlaserbearwolf

If she gets in... how about renting out your city house and renting a place in the country? A lot of families do that at our rural school and it seems to work well (obviously hassle of finding tenants for your house and finding a rental - but it's a less drastic option than selling/buying when you aren't sure about the move).
Yes, good compromise.
jacks11 · 29/11/2021 20:34

I think you need to take stock of the situation. I don’t wish to be unkind, but I think you’ve behaved quite unfairly to your daughter and your husband.

I think you need to talk to your DH about this. His wants and needs are no less important than yours. You need to hash it out, after all you’ve been leading everyone down the garden path on this one- you want to change the goalposts so you need to discuss it with him. In his position, assuming he does want to move, I’d be pretty annoyed at your behaviour TBH. Your desire to stay put is not more important than his desire to move- you may end up staying put as suspect you’ll dig your heels in by the sounds of it- but that should be a mutual decision not a unilateral declaration.

And I think you’ve not played fair by your daughter- you have dangled an opportunity, got her to study hard and sit the exam and even got her excited about a move to the countryside- only to snatch it away for what are, ultimately, selfish reasons. All the things you’ve mentioned are about you and what you want- your friends, you want everything on your doorstep etc. It’s not wrong to want those things, but it is unfair to promise so much to others and then renege at the last minute.

As to the school- schools can and do improve/deteriorate over time. So perhaps the local schools are just fine. Or maybe they are the same or worse. Have you visited them to see what you think? You might be pleasantly surprised…. Or utterly horrified. You won’t know until you look into it. That said, if you think these schools genuinely aren’t great and the grammar’s are far better/far better got from your daughter, what are you going to do if your daughter does get into a good grammar? I think you have to think long and hard about what you do next. Would your daughter want do that /cope with that commute- an hour by car may well be longer by school bus (if there is one), for instance. You need to find out what staying out would actually mean for her if she did want to go. How will that commute impact on her studies and, just as importantly, on her friendships? How will she get to weekend meet ups etc as her friends are not likely to live close to you. You shouldn’t move solely on her account, but I think you do need to pay cognisance to the situation you’ve created with regards to your daughter and her expectations.

I think you run the risk of causing real upset/resentment if you don’t handle it carefully, assuming she does get in to the grammar. If you make it all about your desire to be close to friends/amenities etc, how do you think that would feel? Equally, don’t try to fool her into thinking it’s selflessly staying out fir her- most children are pretty good at working out bullshit.

Porcupineintherough · 29/11/2021 20:35

If your daughter is bright and hardworking, she will be fine at an underperforming school

Well she might buck the trend but children at underperforming schools tend to, um, underperform. And what a reward for her intelligence and hard work - "there you go love, that'll do you". Do people really think like that?

billy1966 · 29/11/2021 20:40

Absolutely NO WAY would I move to the country if I didn't want to.

I am a city woman and wouldn't dream of it.

I know of several who did it and can't afford to move back, they bitterly regretted it.

Not a chance.
Flowers

Saz12 · 29/11/2021 20:51

At that age, my school journey was just under 2 hours each way, lived rurally obviously! So if course I don’t think an hour is too bad.
How about DD does it for a term or so, see how it goes, then you rent (at least initially)? 7 years is a long time to be unhappy!

purpleneon · 29/11/2021 20:59

So surprised by the responses - I'm sure OP will work out what's best for her.

If it were me, my child's education absolutely comes first, especially given how much impact it can have on overall life outcomes. If you're drive, much easier to pop to your old area to see friends etc - how much does one even socialise in the week?

For your DD in the other hand, 2 hours of commuting is really tiring. Also reduces ability to take part in after school extra-curricular clubs & matches. Likely to live even further from mates too & given she doesn't drive it'll be more of a hassle to see them.

If you're moving for your children's education for the next 7-9 years, that's a long time. Move back to the city when they finish school.

Original poster
Scubadivinginabox · 29/11/2021 21:23

Yes I have looked around all the local comps and all the stats and yes, they are like factories doing the basics but not much else. No we can't afford private - it would give us more options if we could. Thanks for all of your responses. I'm surprised by some of the strident ones considering that nothing has actually happened yet. I haven't told DD she can't go to grammar school (!) or upset my DH. I was getting cold feet about moving so just wanted some thoughts Smile

OP posts:
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