I think I've made a terrible mistake in deciding to move house

[Scubadivinginabox]

I’m having sleepless nights over this and would appreciate some advice.

We live in an area where secondary schools that we would get into are all Ofsted ‘Requires improvement’. We live in a city and DH has wanted to move out to a rural location for a long time now. So we decided to put our DD in for the 11 plus with a view to moving to the more rural grammar school area.

We will find out on March 1st if she has got in to one of two grammar schools (one 50 mins away, one 1 hour 10 mins away) and then the plan is to put our house on the market and move near one of them.

The problem is that I don’t want to move. I’ve lived in this city for 18 years and in our house for 10 and I have a great circle of friends and a community. DH says it’s too built up but the rural villages we’ve looked at seem to have everyone living on top of each other. I don’t want to be away from city life and conveniences and start all over again with making new mum friends. There are buses DD can get to school but I don’t think that’s fair on a child to commute 2 hours a day for school.

My DD and DH want to move, me and DS really don’t. I feel stupid for putting her through a really difficult year of studying for the exam and then balking at following the plan through. Everyone else around here seems happy to send their kids to the local school.

Should I put my happiness aside for hers? It feels like everything is in motion now and I’m powerless to stop it.

WWYD?
AIBU for not wanting to move?

If you think the grammar school where you’d move is much better, and DD gets in, would do that then. An option could be to rent initially and not sell your house in the city, to see how you all get on in the new location.

Honestly I don't think it's a good idea to move if you've already decided you really don't want to.
Your daughter has worked hard for a year - where ever she goes next that will stand to her.
You've said 50% of the family don't want to move - how is the desires of the 50% of the family who want to move more important?

@Bluntness100

It’s not just your happiness if you don’t move you will be putting her in a school that requires improvement and you made her work for a year to get in to a better school.

Personally I don’t think it’s remotely right to do that, lead her on then say nah not for me when it comes to it, off you pop to the poor school, my mates are more important.

That’s something you should have done a year ago.

This

Wait and see if she gets in and then decide if you want to move or her commute.
I’m moving out of London where I’ve lived all my life to Hertfordshire in Feb. Similar reason, son started independent school there in Sept which he loves and luckily he has a school bus which picks up around here but it’s still an hours drive.
We’re moving because we do both want a more town life rather than city - but there is a main line station there and I can be back in my spot of london in 21 minutes (not that I’ve counted😄)

You are not being unreasonable. We moved from a nice city to a very rural area when I was 8. It gave my mum severe depression. She never really settled in the 13 years they lived there.

Don't do it. Apply for your child to go out of catchment, or if you can find a way to afford it (I realise this is not a possibility for everyone, but you are talking about moving for school catchment, so...) then go private instead.

@Scubadivinginabox

Yes I have looked around all the local comps and all the stats and yes, they are like factories doing the basics but not much else. No we can't afford private - it would give us more options if we could. Thanks for all of your responses. I'm surprised by some of the strident ones considering that nothing has actually happened yet. I haven't told DD she can't go to grammar school (!) or upset my DH. I was getting cold feet about moving so just wanted some thoughts

Probably too late apply now but you know all of the privates do bursaries? If she’s a strong contender for 11+ grammar then she’d probably get in.

Why not stay put for a couple of years and see how she does at local comp before you decide. If she is academically bright she will learn wherever. I used to have 45 min each way school commute and it was awful and I'd never do it to my DC

If you are in a city there must be secondary schools that are outstanding. I would move into the catchment and send her there.

I have seen year 7 kids totally exhausted from their two hour grammar school commute and I have also seen bright kids not getting into grammar schools and now feel like failures, think they are stupid etc. Absolutely not worth putting your kids through this if you can move into a decent catchment.

An hour's bus ride each way would be pretty common in the country and city that I live in. I honestly don't see the issue with that.
I currently drive my son 45 minutes every morning to his school. Yes there are closer schools but this one is better for him (long story but he has additional needs and th6us school is a good fit).
Best of both worlds is to drive her/ let her get the bus and stay in your home surely?
Saying that, I don't know what secondary school hours are in UK, but here it's roughly 8.30am to 3.30pm x 4 days a week with an early finish at 1pm x 1 day.

Yes move if she gets in. You might love the new house and make better friends and feel good you’ve given your daughter best start. You can drive to the city have dsys out with old friends and when she and DS go off to Uni move to wherever you like. Knowing you did your best. Whatever happens.

Do you have a plan B for if she fails the 11+? Or will you have to find an independent school or move elsewhere (presumably you would count as an in year admission at that point) ?

Are you actually living in the catchment area for the grammar school?

Does it have to be all or nothing? Is there a better connected suburb where you could look for houses a short walk from a bus stop?

I did an hour each way for secondary sch. Really normal in the rural area I grew up in.

Agree with pp re taxi service. You're all much better off in town for the teenage years

What was the birth rate that year, if a high birth rate your DD, probably won’t secure a place if either school is out of catchment, assuming she hasn’t a sibling at either school already. How would you cope if, DD got a place, but you didn’t move in time, 1 March to September 5 mths it can take longer to move than that unfortunately. Moving rurally with rising teens isn’t always the best idea, unless you are prepared to be a taxi service. We lived semi rural when our DS’ were little, and moved to the city when our sons were 19 & 17, as absolutely nothing for them to do.

Why don’t you stay where you are for a year and see how the commute is, then move.

My parents did that. I used to get the bus to and from grammar school in Y7 and Y8, it added an extra hour to each end of the day which was a pain, although there were other kids on the same bus. Then we moved closer and we could walk to school. I’m glad we did because as you go up the school there’s a lot of homework and you don’t want to be starting it too late when you get home.

Stop being selfish... You could have let her go to the local school and got her extra tutoring if not up to scratch. You and DH obviously talked it through and decided she should try for rural schools. You cannot go back now... If you do, you are really selfish! My SIL took the decision to come back from Aus even tho her kids were doing great and DS has a place at uni. My niece is on her 2nd school since returning. It took my brother ages to get a job. Nephew has gone abroad to uni. Brother, niece and nephew regret coming home. SIL not enjoying job that brought her home. We have stopped listening to the whinging by SIL. She is just a selfish cow.

DD would be commuting if we didn't move - that's what I meant. I'm surprised that a lot of you don't think 2 hours a day on a bus for an 11 year old is a big deal...

It depends. Is it a school bus (I imagine it probably isn’t but you never know!) that will always have a seat for her and is pretty much door to door? Or will she have to get a public bus and walk to and from a bus station each day which is in addition to the hour spent on the bus?

It’s not uncommon around here for Yr7 students to get the train to the nearest city to attend one of the private schools, and some of them will have journeys of an hour or more.

We live rurally and the children who decided to not go to the local school and have an hours bus ride absolutely hated it! In the winter it’s especially awful.

Is there a compromise though, could you drive her one way so she only has to go on the bus one way? I know parents who drive their Dc over an hour to private schools, both ways! (Which I think is ridiculous waste of the adults time!)

As someone whose children have to commute an hour or so on the bus to get to their Sixth Form options, I can confirm that it sucks for them. Especially in the cold/wet/dark weather, because the walk to and from the mile away bus stop is awful, too.

In your position I wouldn't move. An hour's commute each way is no big deal. I used to take 2 buses each way to my school every day from the age of 11 and it was fine. She'll make friends on the bus and they'll be local to you. Also, many DC move on from their primary school friends and develop other interests. If there's someone she's particularly friendly with, the friendship needn't end. They can see each other out of school. In secondary school, besties often don't see each other during the school day anyway - different classes/sets, lunchtime and after school activities all limit contact through the school day.
I'd be surprised if there isn't a school bus service tbh, especially if there's a wide catchment area for the grammar school. Speak to the school and see what transport is on offer and if you're nervous about DD travelling alone, there's often a buddy service where 6th formers chaperone the younger ones on public transport.
You're probably going to find yourself pretty isolated when you move if you're permanently WFH. Think about how that might impact you , and the family as a whole.

If you’re working from home, could you drive her for one of the journeys? Whichever one works better with your wfh. 1 hour on a bus can’t be more than 30 mins in a car. You’ll get quality time together to chat and it takes away half of her travel by bus as it won’t feel as bad in the car.

Haven't read through the thread but one consideration is that a child whose school is far away has friends who are far away. It's all much more difficult and less fun.
And another is that the school may be as good or bad as it likes but the child's individual experience is completely different and individual. Personally I went to a school which coasted on the back of its selective intake. Never learned to work.
And thirdly, villages are lovely to look at but the amount of time you spend going to and fro and transporting others...
I think it's worth making absolutely sure everyone recognises and wants what you are all letting yourselves in for

Is there a happy medium where you move to a town where it’s semi- rural ie best of both worlds?
2 hours commute is too much especially if they have homework to do or other activities which means they lose downtime.

Gosh I really feel for you! We have just gone a big move for schools. My eldest has started at his catchment grammar school which is a 1h 10min bus ride by public bus. There is no school bus despite being catchment school! Local company is 10 min bus ride. Some.people commute 2 hours each way to my son’s grammar! I was astounded! My upbringing was education education education. So if you think a grammar is right for her and she gets in, I think you should go for it. Let her try the journey and see how it goes. You’ll have to give it until Xmas to see if it works. Then can decide about moving when you have more information. Definitely I would stick to grammar option. You atleast need to try. If it’s not working I am sure comp will have places eventually! Good luck and DM me if you want to chat more.