I think I've made a terrible mistake in deciding to move house

[Scubadivinginabox]

I’m having sleepless nights over this and would appreciate some advice.

We live in an area where secondary schools that we would get into are all Ofsted ‘Requires improvement’. We live in a city and DH has wanted to move out to a rural location for a long time now. So we decided to put our DD in for the 11 plus with a view to moving to the more rural grammar school area.

We will find out on March 1st if she has got in to one of two grammar schools (one 50 mins away, one 1 hour 10 mins away) and then the plan is to put our house on the market and move near one of them.

The problem is that I don’t want to move. I’ve lived in this city for 18 years and in our house for 10 and I have a great circle of friends and a community. DH says it’s too built up but the rural villages we’ve looked at seem to have everyone living on top of each other. I don’t want to be away from city life and conveniences and start all over again with making new mum friends. There are buses DD can get to school but I don’t think that’s fair on a child to commute 2 hours a day for school.

My DD and DH want to move, me and DS really don’t. I feel stupid for putting her through a really difficult year of studying for the exam and then balking at following the plan through. Everyone else around here seems happy to send their kids to the local school.

Should I put my happiness aside for hers? It feels like everything is in motion now and I’m powerless to stop it.

WWYD?
AIBU for not wanting to move?

Do tend to*

Is there not an equivalent school nearer? If you're in a city, there must be.
I would have another look at schools closer so you don't have to move. I think you will resent moving if you're not fully bought into the idea.
It will take a long time to build up a network of friends and acquaintances in a new community when you have moved.

You really should have thought this through before you put her through the year of studying and tests! I think you have to stick with the plan now if she does get in.

Is your DS younger than your DD? What if he can't get into the same school as your DD? Are the schools in the rural area any better than the city schools?

I did over an hour to school on a train and bus, it was great (when they ran on time!). Loads of us did the same journey.

I wouldn't even worry about it until you find out if she's got a place though. Are you Kent by any chance?

I’d suggest a mid point move so it’s only a half hour each way for her and you are a bit nearer the countryside while still having your existing friendship groups.

I’d move for better schools, every time. But I like rural which I appreciate isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.

If it’s an hour by car is it likely to actually be longer by bus due to various stops?

Do other kids from your area commute to the grammar?
Where do the kids come from
One hour to school is pretty common for London
For kids choosing to go to certain schools (or parents choosing)

Where are the grammar schools? Surely they are not in rural villages? So why not move to the town / city where the grammar schools actually are?

We did this (moved from city/ urban poor secondary area to a grammar school catchment village, just outside the town). I felt really heartbroken to leave our old house and considered pulling out just beforehand. But honestly it’s been worth it. Our son is very happy at his school, he gets a bus which takes 5 mins to school, and we can walk out of our house and be surrounded by countryside in 5 minutes. I thought village life would feel claustrophobic but it’s actually nice. I didn’t want to have regrets if our son had struggled at the other school. I also don’t think I would have felt it was as safe for him to walk to the bus alone aged 11 in the city. People here now recognise him.

Get a map.

Look at where your friends are.

Look at where dds school is.

Look at the area in between.

Check transport for dd to school. Check transport to friends and work.

Find somewhere that fits in with everything. Then move there.

Can you put what you’d be spending on stamp duty/moving costs towards tuition if the local schools where you are aren’t great, or if she’s bright even apply for a scholarship to an independent school?

Moving more rurally for 9 years to give your children a better education has surely got to be worth it? You can always move again once they’ve flown the nest.

If your DD could travel by bus to school, you could just as easily travel by bus back into the city to meet your mum friends. And as a PP says, if you pick somewhere mid distance then you’d each be looking at a short trip.

hazelnutlatte the grammar school merest to me is in a rural village. I don’t think it’s particularly unusual.

We decided to stay put in the city, despite everyone being very concerned about our children growing up WITHOUT A GARDEN. I just remember being miserable as a teen being so far away from friends, parents not willing to be taxi and loooong cold morning gettings to school, always been so tired and cold. Wanted my kids to be a 15 min walk from school and being able to just go out when they pleased. I've felt strongly about this for a while, but you really need to decide for yourself what you want, OP.

I don't think it's so much that it's 'not a big deal' commuting and hour each way, but that it's not out of the ordinary for kids who go to grammar/private schools.

We do it by car (30 mins each way, so an hour for me, twice daily) as the bus is a long, around the houses, trip and I'm a 'soft touch'
But there are many kids from other areas who come in/go home by bus. Mostly they don't seem to mind as it's quite sociable 💁🏻‍♀️

OR you go & visit the local
Schools. Join local FB groups etc find out what local parents think. Ofsted rating means Jack shit really.

Move halfway. Half hour commute to school is totally reasonable and then half an hour for you to visit the city also fine. Why don't you wait until March before panicking, she might not even get in

What would happen if your younger child doesn't get into the grammar school, are there decent alternatives nearby?

I'm not sure why it's OK for your dd to commute everyday but not ok for youvto travel some of the time to see your friends? If they are good friends you will still see them.

My 11-year-old DD commutes about 50 minutes each way to school. That's door-to-door, including walking, tube and bus. It's not a problem.

(I've had to pay for her to have a high data allowance so she can use her phone to entertain herself along the way though. )

I commuted an hour to school, it was fine. There was a bus and those friends were so tight knit as a result, I loved it. I have no regrets.

I think you need to move OP. Your attitude is a bit shit to your DD and you've led everyone on. Agree with @Bluntness100

Grammar school in my town have a lot of DC attending who get on the school buses and commute for that length of time so it’s not especially unusual and I wouldn’t move just for that reason.

DC could start by commuting, then perhaps you could decide at a later point.

We were also in this position.

We did move, it took about 2 years to get used to. I am now at the point where you couldn’t pay me enough to ever move back to a city. I even struggle to come into the city to go shopping now. I can really see it for what city living is now, Your life is in a little bubble, Cramped and quite ugly. I now sigh in relief when I hit the boarder of the city and I see fields!!

Obviously we are all different, but it was the best thing our family ever did. I travel in to meet friends and have just given up my job in the city as I have really come to hate the business of it all.

We live in a village - husband always wanted to live in a village as he grew up in one and that's what he was used to. Our kids go to the local schools by school bus which takes about half hour each way allowing for stops etc. The school is only 4 miles away. There are no other bus routes to or from the village, a taxi to the nearest town is a minimum of £20 one way so if you're happy to slap a TAXI logo on the top of your car, go rural!!

Also, the school that my eldest is at for Sixth Form has just had an Ofsted inspection and gone from 'requires improvement' to 'Good with areas of Outstanding' - schools change as teachers change. You can't be guaranteed that the schools will always be outstanding etc. Any school, even one that requires improvement will provide an education if the child is willing to learn - works both ways!

I think you're being incredibly unfair to your daughter. Of course you need to honour her hard work and move.