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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I've made a terrible mistake in deciding to move house

223 replies

Scubadivinginabox · 29/11/2021 12:22

I’m having sleepless nights over this and would appreciate some advice.

We live in an area where secondary schools that we would get into are all Ofsted ‘Requires improvement’. We live in a city and DH has wanted to move out to a rural location for a long time now. So we decided to put our DD in for the 11 plus with a view to moving to the more rural grammar school area.

We will find out on March 1st if she has got in to one of two grammar schools (one 50 mins away, one 1 hour 10 mins away) and then the plan is to put our house on the market and move near one of them.

The problem is that I don’t want to move. I’ve lived in this city for 18 years and in our house for 10 and I have a great circle of friends and a community. DH says it’s too built up but the rural villages we’ve looked at seem to have everyone living on top of each other. I don’t want to be away from city life and conveniences and start all over again with making new mum friends. There are buses DD can get to school but I don’t think that’s fair on a child to commute 2 hours a day for school.

My DD and DH want to move, me and DS really don’t. I feel stupid for putting her through a really difficult year of studying for the exam and then balking at following the plan through. Everyone else around here seems happy to send their kids to the local school.

Should I put my happiness aside for hers? It feels like everything is in motion now and I’m powerless to stop it.

WWYD?
AIBU for not wanting to move?

OP posts:
CatkinW · 30/11/2021 18:54

Local comp not company!

Mumontour85 · 30/11/2021 19:00

Surely there's a compromise... live somewhere between rural Middle of nowhere and the Middle of the city?? Move to the suburbs and your daughter has a half hour bus journey each way?

I guess you need to decide whether your social life is more important than your daughters education (that sounds really harsh but is effectively that is what OP said!)... but also be careful not to make your daughter more important than your son if he really doesn't want to move.

Nocutenamesleft · 30/11/2021 19:01

I personally think YABU tk out your kid on a bus for 2 hrs a day.

I went to a really far out of place college and it was horrific. If you had lessons for half the day you had to still get the bus at 7am and leave at 6pm. Regardless. Nothing in between seeing as it’s so far.

I don’t agree with a child being on a bus for that far.

But it’s your choice.

Cottonheadedninymuggins · 30/11/2021 19:03

@Scubadivinginabox

Well it's 7 years if you count sixth form as well and 9 years if you count younger DS.

DD would be commuting if we didn't move - that's what I meant. I'm surprised that a lot of you don't think 2 hours a day on a bus for an 11 year old is a big deal...

My brother did it, and if we'd lived closer I would have too (I passed the 11 plus with marks higher than those in the catchment area but they had to take catchment area first. When the brother did his it was only just opened to include those outside of the catchment area) its perfectly doable. If you make good friends on the same bus it's even fun!
Original poster
Scubadivinginabox · 30/11/2021 19:14

So I made some calls to bus companies - one grammar has a bus that takes 1.5 hours each way (plus about 20 mins to the bus stop), which seems insane to do every day. About 75% of the girls for this school arrive on buses - although I'm guessing they are not so far away. The other school doesn't have a bus route currently from where we are due to lack of demand.
The grammars select on rankings so there is no catchment area. She has already passed the 11 plus but it's whether she is far enough up the rankings to get in.

OP posts:
FootieMama · 30/11/2021 19:25

To be 1 hour away from your friends as an adult is not too much. How often do you see them? I would move. Your child will be near her school and the new friends she will make. And you made her study a whole year for that.

Original poster
Scubadivinginabox · 30/11/2021 19:32

It's not just my social life I'm worried about! I'm find it hard to make new friends (mums or not) and it's literally taken me years to feel happy here and get to a good place. The thought of uprooting not only leaving the city and support is daunting. My DS has his best mate on the same street.
There are outstanding schools in the city of course but they require regular church going (not us) or we can't afford to move within the catchment area. So it's move out, drive or go to the local school.

OP posts:
AnnieSnap · 30/11/2021 19:34

I think a more important issue to consider if you don’t move, but put your daughter in the school an hour away is, any friends she makes at school won’t be local to her and her local friends won’t be in her school. That will leave her feeling ‘left out’ in both parts of her life and we all know how crucial good peer relationships are to children and adolescents. If you decide not to move, I’d send her to the local school. If the Ofsted report stated it ‘needs improvement’, the school will be working hard to bring about improvements for the next inspection. If you are going to send her to the other school, you really should move so that she can develop another set of friends properly. From your description. It sounds as though, she wants to stay put and go to the local school.

Madcats · 30/11/2021 19:38

Are there any Airbnb's in the area that half your family would like to move to? It might well be worth a few pounds to live a few days nearby and understand the day to day logistics:

Where would you need to go for a coffee/pint of milk?
What about a ports and/or other activities for DC?

Are there taxis and delivery services?

Do you need to ferry them everywhere until they go to Uni?

Have a think about whether your DS is as bright; where would he go to school?
Also, if you DD is a marginal pass (no idea if/how you can tell this) how would she feel being in the bottom quartile. Some kids find selective school hellish, whilst the kid on the next desk thrives.

That more or less sums up the negatives I can think of.

Being bright/sporty/musical is celebrated at DD's school, and they are pushed outside of their comfort zone, but that isn't for everyone. Sure, lots of schools will say this but how to they deal with "I messed that up"?

Good luck

Zyana · 30/11/2021 19:42

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request.

whynotwhatknot · 30/11/2021 19:44

the only problem would be her social life-will be too far away to join in anything after school and the weekend although doable will still be a long way out

turnaroundtime · 30/11/2021 19:53

How badly does DH want to move and why? Lots of people on here seem to only be focusing on your needs. Does DH hate it where you live? Has it been his long time dream to move out. You were planning to move so have you pulled the rug out from under him?

Zzzsotired · 30/11/2021 20:03

I’ve moved twice to get my children into top primary and grammar schools - but I planned ahead & moved so my application showed we lived very close - anyone living out past about five miles stood no chance of places. I prioritised education above anything else - a lot of kids do commute to a rural grammar in another area- they travel an hour each way but it’s a hassle for tired kids with masses of homework and parents needing to pick up after activities after school ends. Also since it’s not catchment the transport fees are huge. My children are happy and thriving but then so are friends who stayed in our old area attending a regular school that was in special measures (it’s now rated good since Ofsted and has had a lot of changes).

expat101 · 30/11/2021 20:04

I will just say the school years fly by. Ours left school 6 years ago, and I would not recommend moving to somewhere you don't want to be, just for the sake of a school.

We put ours in a school over an hour away (I was doing the pick up and drop off initially) and it didn't work out, so transferred to a local school. It was ok, and DD did well but it wouldn't be our choice of school now.

Can your DD board during the week if the school she wants to go to, is so good?

Seems a hell of a reason to sell up from a much loved area and home.

maddening · 30/11/2021 20:14

There must be some compromise, it rarely goes city, long distance of nothing, small hamlet village. Most cities have leafy areas are you go further out before petering to suburbs and outlying towns and villages. Eg in Manchester you could comfortably live in or near Altrincham or similar outlying places and enjoy the city. There must be a bit inbetween the city and the grammar where you get best of both worlds and tick boxes all round.

nopuppiesallowed · 30/11/2021 20:21

This is a really difficult situation for you OP. But some thoughts...
You have the choice of moving and once or twice a week travelling for an hour to meet up with your friends, or staying in your current area and your daughter travelling for an hour (plus 20 minutes) twice a day for 5 days a week to get to a grammar school. That's an amount of travel that an adult would find tiring. Yes - the local schools would be more convenient and you could stay where you are. But they are not currently good schools. They might improve - but they might not. They might get worse. Parents usually try to avoid sending their children to low achieving schools which can easily slip into sink schools (before people pile into me with examples of schools which have avoided this, I know it's a generalisation). If your daughter is academically inclined and keen to learn, wouldn't you want her to be in an environment which will help her develop her talents? If she's exhausted by 2 + hours of travelling each day, she may find learning more of a struggle. It's a hard decision, OP. But parenting IS hard.

Hankunamatata · 30/11/2021 20:26

Have you looked at scholarships for private?

Jeannie88 · 30/11/2021 20:27

Sometimes got to get to get out of comfort zone and realise there are actually better things out there. It does sound so appealing, give it a try?

MrFlippersPancake · 30/11/2021 20:28

My DD commuted to a grammar school an hour away, she's now in sixth form and it really was worth it, she enjoyed the downtime with friends on the bus to be honest. I worried, but it really was fine.

StrongLegs · 30/11/2021 20:29

That seems like a really difficult choice tbh. Clearly the good school would be good for your kids, and the isolation would be hard for you. There's no easy way to make that okay for everyone.

Is there any chance that you might get a really interesting job in that rural area?

I'm restricted by my location but have managed to get really good voluntary work at a medical centre, which is not something I ever would have thought of. Maybe there is some surprising way that it could become great for you too?

FWIW my ds just moved from a requires improvement school to an outstanding one and the the whole family feels so much better for the change. We just feel like our kid is happy and learning now rather than miserable and going backwards, and it has made a huge difference to all of us.

I went through a phase of commuting and hour each way and it was a killer for me. Never would commit to that again.

lobsteroll · 30/11/2021 20:30

I commuted an hour to school every day (and back) and absolutely loved it. Had a brilliant group of friends on the bus and some of my loveliest school memories are on the bus 🤣

I appreciate that I was probably quite lucky. But what I'm saying is, there were loads of us doing the commute so not as uncommon as you might think.

It's actually a really nice chill time after school where you can just relax and unwind before going home for homework etc.

One thing I would check is how long the bus actually takes. I only lived 25-30 mins from the school but the bus route and stops meant it took an hour.

If your school is an hour away then the bus might be even longer.

prawntoastie · 30/11/2021 20:31

Hopefully the sale doesn’t go through
I wouldn’t move either tbh I love the country but two hours commute to somewhere no thanks

NCnotmyusualone · 30/11/2021 20:31

Can you compromise and try it from your city home to start?

I’m a country girl originally, and then moved to a city for my studies and training for job, then to London ultimately. Myself and DP decided a while ago we were at an age we wanted a quieter life in a more rural setting. I was so sure it would be great. We hate it here. We are in a biggish village, as we wanted some community and facilities, but realistically we both agree we should either have gone really remote, or stayed in the city (with city being our preference). Everyone here knows or wants to know everyone’s business, and there’s so much petty game playing, it’s painful. Also feel sad that we can’t just hop on a bus or tube and be somewhere amazing for fun or afternoon out experiences.

NCnotmyusualone · 30/11/2021 20:32

Ps. My school commute when in I grew up in the countryside was an hour each way and wasn’t a problem ever.

Winterflower84 · 30/11/2021 20:34

Good education is worth the commute in my view. My DD has been commuting to an excellent school an hour each way from the age of three. She's 6yo now and is used to it. From next year she'll be taking the school bus.
Not ideal - I'd love us to live near the school - but the quality of her education is paramout so we have adapted.