I think I've made a terrible mistake in deciding to move house

[Scubadivinginabox]

I’m having sleepless nights over this and would appreciate some advice.

We live in an area where secondary schools that we would get into are all Ofsted ‘Requires improvement’. We live in a city and DH has wanted to move out to a rural location for a long time now. So we decided to put our DD in for the 11 plus with a view to moving to the more rural grammar school area.

We will find out on March 1st if she has got in to one of two grammar schools (one 50 mins away, one 1 hour 10 mins away) and then the plan is to put our house on the market and move near one of them.

The problem is that I don’t want to move. I’ve lived in this city for 18 years and in our house for 10 and I have a great circle of friends and a community. DH says it’s too built up but the rural villages we’ve looked at seem to have everyone living on top of each other. I don’t want to be away from city life and conveniences and start all over again with making new mum friends. There are buses DD can get to school but I don’t think that’s fair on a child to commute 2 hours a day for school.

My DD and DH want to move, me and DS really don’t. I feel stupid for putting her through a really difficult year of studying for the exam and then balking at following the plan through. Everyone else around here seems happy to send their kids to the local school.

Should I put my happiness aside for hers? It feels like everything is in motion now and I’m powerless to stop it.

WWYD?
AIBU for not wanting to move?

Seems mad to go rural when she's going to be a teenager. She'd have more options in a city and I bet the school isn't that bad in reality. You can't judge these things by ofsted ratings.

Also, everyone saying you can't do this to your DD, how unfair that she worked hard for a year etc. Well, she could easily not get in and then she'd have worked hard for a year for nothing. That's how it goes. Resilience is a great quality to build up.

I'm with you OP and wouldn't move. YANBU. If you're feeling you've made a terrible mistake just having made the decision and not actually moved - just imagine how you'd feel if you went through with it! This is your chance to change course with minimal impact. Better now than later.

whereabouts in the country because I'm surprised there are 2 grammar schools reasonably near each other but both in rural areas. Take the grammar near me, we are definitely not a city however there is still a thriving community and the nearest cities don't take much effort to get to. It's possible you could compromise and still shorten your daughter's journey significantly

I totally understand your reluctance to up root for a very temporary period (secondary school). The difficulty is if your husband is very eager for the move. Regarding your DD- if it’s a very sought after grammar then you’ll probably find that it’s not unusual to do a long journey to school. IF she gets in then I’d look at the bus as the first option- if she’ll be one of many going to school on that bus route then it’ll be fine and also her friends will probably be eager to socialise in the city you live in at the weekend.

Bit of a "sunk costs" philosophy though.
If realize you made a mistake in agreeing to do something, you don't just do it anyway because you said you would.

What kind of lesson is that for a child?

I am of the mind that you move toward something, not away from something else. Tell your DH & DD to get on the stick, finding some place that will woo you into wanting to move away from your home, your friends and everything else you love about where you are today.

I think you've left it really late to decide this now your DD is all geared up for it. I don't think it would be remotely fair to saddle her with that commute. Not to mention living away from her new community. Its not just school its socials with school friends. I sympathise with you, but in your position unless she doesn't get in or decides she is happy to forego the place, I think I'd have to go ahead with the move now. It will be far easier for you to retain a social life with your old community if you move than for DD to build one if you don't.

We moved to a rural ish area outside tunbridge wells. It’s not close enough to feel connected and it’s isolated.
I miss London. I would move back in a heartbeat.

Factors you may not have considered:
-the areas near the grammars may not be exclusively rural - are you sure there are no small/large towns to move to that may be more suitable than a transition from a city to a rural area? Your DC may still require a bus, but it may be much quicker and less time consuming than the rural area you are planning.
-your DC may not get into the grammars. If you move nearer the grammar schools, are the comprehensive schools better than in the city where you currently live?

• I found that people who were nonchalent about their kids going to less good secondaries and were adamant they would not move actually had a back-up plan that involved private schools that they did not freely share when dissuading people from moving for better state education

That was in reply to @Bluntness100 saying that you have to make this major life change which you now feel to be a terrible mistake, because you told your daughter you would.

You move to the countryside to be near the grammar. Your kids have a short walk to school.
And you rent a co-working space in the city 2 days a week so that you can meet up with friends etc.

@unname

That was in reply to *@Bluntness100* saying that you have to make this major life change which you now feel to be a terrible mistake, because you told your daughter you would.

She’s had a year, and the only reason the op doesn’t wish to move is it’s because it’s inconvenient to her, the daughter is either facing a lengthy commute or a poor school.

The op can commute, she can travel to see her friends, or whatever local attractions she wishes, or she can move half way and find a solution.

But it’s not ok to keep this up for a year, make this girl work then when it comes to the crunch say sorry it causes me too much inconvenience.

For me that’s not forgivable. The daughters education comes above the ops inconvenience,

@Scubadivinginabox

Well it's 7 years if you count sixth form as well and 9 years if you count younger DS.

DD would be commuting if we didn't move - that's what I meant. I'm surprised that a lot of you don't think 2 hours a day on a bus for an 11 year old is a big deal...

I don't think the travelling is a big deal, because I did it when I was 11, for 7 years.

The main problem I found was that all my friends were ten miles away during evenings and weekends - some were 20 miles away as they lived a similar distance away on the opposite side of the school. This meant I found it hard to have any sort of social life involving my schoolmates, and only went to one party in my teenage years.

It's unfair to make two of your kids travel every day and maybe at the weekend too, when you as an adult have the use of a car to drive and see your mum friends whenever you wish.

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood

This is a huge deal for your DD. The commute is too much for her. Having encouraged her to sit the exams for the 11plus you absolutely have to see it through if she gets in. She has made a huge investment in this. Potential for lifelong resentment if you back out of it now. The time for deciding against moving has gone.

It is NOT a huge deal to get to school by bus. Plenty of kids do if, there's no reason why she can't.

The time to change their minds about moving has not passed! They haven't moved yet. They haven't sold/bought/rented. They don't even know fir another 3-4 months if their DD has got into the school!

They're not backing out of allowing her to go if she gets a place, she'll just have a longer bus trip than if they move closer (she'll have to bus it anyway as they're highly unlikely to buy a house within walking distance)

Your being a complete drama llama.

I think it’s overkill to move for a school.

I see kids traveling from London to my little town to go to our grammar school. My DC gets up at 6am and leaves at 7am to get to their high school a few towns away. If any age-group can handle that commute it’s young spritely teens!

I make sure to pack healthy snacks, water, hand-warmers, emergency money, charged phone. And of course we have emergency back up to pick them up if there’s any cancellations.

I think it’s good for independence and confidence! If you buy season tickets they can use them at weekends too to do fun things.

It's extremely unfair of you to have pushed her to gain entry into the Grammar system and then do this. Her options are either she travels (the rest of you don't) she won't be living close enough to any friends she will make at the Grammar school to be with them outside of school hours which will limit her interaction with them, any after school clubs or sporting activities she may want to do after hours will make her day even longer and her return home even later and would the bus service accommodate that? So she will have choose between those options. Or she goes to a school you originally didn't want her to go to in the City whereby her time and effort has been wasted. You dangled an opportunity in front of her, she did the work you wanted her to do to achieve that opportunity and now you have moved the goalposts.

Very unfair of you, you should never have let it get this far when you knew that you ultimately didn't want to move.

Why does the local school 'require improvement'? If it was bad enough a year ago that you were prepared to move and require your DD to work hard to get into the grammar school, what has changed that you now think it will offer her the chance to fulfil her potential?

@MostlyGuesswork. Even if they move closer there's. I thing to say their friends will live close by (not at a grammar)

DH is pushing for this because HE wants to live rurally, the OP does not. The DD hasn't even got a place at the school yet.

I honestly think the people saying such a young kid could commute that far to school 5 days a week are being a bit unfair. Especially if you want to stay in the city for your friends and “city life”.

Why would you need a new group of Mum friends? Why is it unreasonable for you to travel and hour to visit the city and your current friends but totally fine for your poor daughter to make that journey 10 times a week for school?

I live in rural Scotland and honestly city folk can be a bit ridiculous sometimes. You don’t fall off the edge of the world just because you no longer live in a city. If there are two grammar schools so close by it probably isn’t even what most people would consider as rural! My social life hasn’t changed much at all since living more rurally. I just have a longer drive to visit some friends. Not the end of the world.

Rural living: shudder. Stay where you are.

Listen to your gut. We have moved A LOT over the years and the ones where I didn't listen to my gut gave me years of actual misery. If you know you like the type of living you have now , I'd talk to dh about it and tell him you're not on board. It is never too late until you've got the new house. And yes people do love rural living and it can be amazing but if you like your life now, there's your answer.

Very unfair of you, you should never have let it get this far when you knew that you ultimately didn't want to move.
Oh stop! People get swept along by others, or events, or what th eff y think is the right thing to do. Everyone has the right to change their mind!!

I don’t think it’s fair to apply to put your daughter through 11 plus and apply for the 2 schools then back out. It’s a heck of a commute for a child. Mine’s at a grammar (under 3 miles away) where 25% come from out of catchment and some travel a very long way. Anyone can have an out of catchment place it goes purely on score order - headteacher advised parents to be sensible re commute at open evening. It’s the time commuting plus difficulty of staying for extra clubs or revision sessions etc. It’s heavy snow and mocks today I bet there were some horribly stressed teens yesterday worried they wouldn’t make it in.

Are the times for travel by school bus or by car? One reason we moved was I’d see kids at bus station at 7am in dark and 5.15pm and didn’t want that for DD day in day out. A grammar school will have a heavy workload. Up at 6am home at 5.30, dinner then 2 or 3 hours study shower and bed is hard. No time for friends or hobbies.

All the people that I'm being unfair on my DD. I worked so hard to tutor her for that year to make sure she passed. She is the only person in her primary to do the 11 plus. I'm creating not taking away opportunities for her. IF she gets into a grammar and wants to go then she will - either travelling or we up sticks our whole life and move closer to the school. How is that selfish? I just love where I live - that's all.

@stayathomer

Very unfair of you, you should never have let it get this far when you knew that you ultimately didn't want to move. Oh stop! People get swept along by others, or events, or what th eff y think is the right thing to do. Everyone has the right to change their mind!!

Except the daughter it would seem, no option for her to change her mind and not do the work the OP required of her to gain the opportunity the OP dangled in front of her.

My school bus was an hour a day, was there for 7 years including sixth form (it wasn't even that far away, about 15-20 min in the car, just a stupidly long and busy bus route!).

It was fine. So don't worry too much about that.

I don’t want to be away from city life and conveniences and start all over again with making new mum friends.

You knew this a year ago. Either you didn't think it would really happen and weren't thinking about it properly, or you've now changed your mind - if it's the latter, what's sparked the sudden worry about it when the same was true last year? Might be useful to work out what's changed and why you were happy to set big (for your DD) life changes in motion last year with this move in mind and now aren't, to see if it's something you can work past.

YANBU for not wanting to move and I can see your reasons, but I can see why your DH (and DD) would be pretty upset at the bait and switch. I'm not sure what the answer is though - I don't think you should be miserable for your DD's sake, but it sounds like this is something DH has been quite clear about wanting for some time, so I'd be inclined to say you'll compromise by renting in the area for a year or two before you buy anywhere.