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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I've made a terrible mistake in deciding to move house

223 replies

Scubadivinginabox · 29/11/2021 12:22

I’m having sleepless nights over this and would appreciate some advice.

We live in an area where secondary schools that we would get into are all Ofsted ‘Requires improvement’. We live in a city and DH has wanted to move out to a rural location for a long time now. So we decided to put our DD in for the 11 plus with a view to moving to the more rural grammar school area.

We will find out on March 1st if she has got in to one of two grammar schools (one 50 mins away, one 1 hour 10 mins away) and then the plan is to put our house on the market and move near one of them.

The problem is that I don’t want to move. I’ve lived in this city for 18 years and in our house for 10 and I have a great circle of friends and a community. DH says it’s too built up but the rural villages we’ve looked at seem to have everyone living on top of each other. I don’t want to be away from city life and conveniences and start all over again with making new mum friends. There are buses DD can get to school but I don’t think that’s fair on a child to commute 2 hours a day for school.

My DD and DH want to move, me and DS really don’t. I feel stupid for putting her through a really difficult year of studying for the exam and then balking at following the plan through. Everyone else around here seems happy to send their kids to the local school.

Should I put my happiness aside for hers? It feels like everything is in motion now and I’m powerless to stop it.

WWYD?
AIBU for not wanting to move?

OP posts:
TuftyMarmoset · 29/11/2021 14:01

I also agree with the people asking why it is that the schools are all rated as requiring improvement? My school was rated as inadequate when I was in year 11 (this was 2011 so not a million years ago) and I still went on to Oxbridge so it doesn’t mean that she won’t have academic success if she is bright and driven.

Blossomtoes · 29/11/2021 14:02

@Bluntness100

It’s not just your happiness if you don’t move you will be putting her in a school that requires improvement and you made her work for a year to get in to a better school.

Personally I don’t think it’s remotely right to do that, lead her on then say nah not for me when it comes to it, off you pop to the poor school, my mates are more important.

That’s something you should have done a year ago.

You can rely on @Bluntness100 to tell it like it is! On this occasion I completely agree with her.
blueberryporridge · 29/11/2021 14:02

I personally think that a two hour daily commute for a child is ridiculous. Ten hours a week on a bus for years to come? Then getting in, having dinner and doing homework? In winter weather, the journey could be even longer, and she will find it hard to have after school activities/meet-ups with friends and maybe to keep in touch with her existing friends where you live. (I know that some children rurally have to make this length of commute but choosing it does not seem wise to me.) Not to mention long commutes being bad for the environment too.

I think you should either move closer to the desired school (assuming she gets in) or else bite the bullet, send her to the local school, and be prepared to pay for private tutoring if it looks like she needs it to get to the standard she needs for what she wants to do next. Private tutoring will probably work out cheaper than a house move as well.

Porcupineintherough · 29/11/2021 14:03

2 hours a day is quite a bit for an 11 year old but she wont always be 11.

My kids commute an hour a day to school (2 hours there and back) and all I'd say is are you sure it's an hour door to door, or is it 1 hour on the bus plus walking to and from bus stops (which is a lot)?

Something else to consider is how good are the public transport links? What happens if she wants to join an after school club, or gets detention? Can she still get home or is she stuck?

thedefinitionofmadness · 29/11/2021 14:03

I'd say don't move but find ways and means to reduce the impact of the commute on DD if she gets into grammar. If you WFH find ways to give her lifts etc. My elder 2 each travel a similar distance (in opposite directions). It's a bit shit this time of year but they are happy to have different centres of gravity, places they know etc. If grammar likelihood most will travel a distance.

DD may want to move to a cutesy village now but as a teenager I'd bet she'd regret it. The problem is really if your DH is miserable where you are now.

Disfordarkchocolate · 29/11/2021 14:05

I'm sure there is a compromise location. Edge of town, larger village etc.

Be absolutely sure you want to move somewhere that will mean you have to take the car to every shopping trip/meal out/ play date/doctors/dentist/gym/ cinema/library/parents evening/club/event etc. I would hate that.

verymiddleaged · 29/11/2021 14:08

My dc commute an hour and back, 45 minutes if traffic is good.
After a couple of years of this we are moving next year to be within walking distance of the school.

Dc are now teens and want more freedom and flexibility as do I.
For us it means a much smaller house but we have decided that it is worth it for work, school and life balance.
Dc are losing hours of lives stuck in buses or cars.

BungleandGeorge · 29/11/2021 14:08

How far away is it? An hour door to door using public transport? How long in the car? Could you drive her some of the time? Will she still be able to get public transport if she stays for sports/ clubs? If everyone else goes to schools local to you presumably her friends would all be miles away?

verymiddleaged · 29/11/2021 14:09

Also every time one is sick or similar it is a significant drive to collect them.

sillysmiles · 29/11/2021 14:10

I think making her work for her exams is going to be irrelevant in the scheme of things really.
You and your husband need to agree on what you want the next phase of your life to be like and if one compromises to the others wishes what are the breaking points.

Working home home in a rural area - how to you plan to meet new people?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 29/11/2021 14:11

This is a huge deal for your DD. The commute is too much for her. Having encouraged her to sit the exams for the 11plus you absolutely have to see it through if she gets in. She has made a huge investment in this. Potential for lifelong resentment if you back out of it now. The time for deciding against moving has gone.

Fairylights25 · 29/11/2021 14:12

My dds commute for the same time and if she passes her test at 17 she can drive herself for the last year.
I wouldn't move.
It is very hard starting again at this age, very hard, and you may absolutely hate it and then what?
Your dd will enjoy having her friends at home in the city, and friends at school. Win win

JumperandJacket · 29/11/2021 14:12

You haven't said much about your DS. Is he at school?

To me it's a no-brainer if she gets in- move to be close to her new school. Much easier for you to travel back to town to see your friends than for her to commute daily by bus.

theSunday · 29/11/2021 14:14

ohh no. so sorry it has unfolded like this...

1 hour commute each way is too much IMHO, would you fancy doing that? Additionally, life will be easier having friends near for your DD. Also you say your DD isn't keen on commuting...so she says it already...

Add to that you backtracking after DD has done all the work isn't ideal either.

But then living in a village, doesn't sound appealing to me either. It's a very tough one.

What could be a better solution? half way house?

Fairylights25 · 29/11/2021 14:16

We live rurally and to be fair every child has to commute a really long way. We know of five years old commuting 45 mins each way. It really is not unusual. Not everyone lives in the middle of the city close to an outstanding school. Personally my dc enjoy the ride and catch up with friends on the bus and see it as downtime, but they are a nice resilient bunch and have all made friends. Now they are older teens there are good looking boys on there Grin so it is NOT all bad

Belindabelle · 29/11/2021 14:16

How rural are we talking?

I wouldn’t want to be too rural with teenagers. Initially you spend a lot of time driving them around, then you spend a lot of time lying awake worrying about them driving themselves around on the country roads.

Maybe just me.

drawacircleroundit · 29/11/2021 14:18

@Theworldisfullofgs

I'm not sure why it's OK for your dd to commute everyday but not ok for youvto travel some of the time to see your friends? If they are good friends you will still see them.
This.
lilly7221w · 29/11/2021 14:25

The bus is right of passage, it's my children favourite part of the day. I could drive them but don't want to. They have just short of two hours on the bus each day.

What I would say is the grammar school will have dispersed friends, there's a lot to be said for having friends close by. If you send her to the grammar, you will have to drive hours for her to meet up with friends.

Skysblue · 29/11/2021 14:31

Move 30 mins away?

NerrSnerr · 29/11/2021 14:38

I don't think it's fair that your daughter was encouraged to study for the 11+ with the pretence that you'll move closer to the school and then when it comes to it you decide not to.

DriftingBlue · 29/11/2021 14:38

I would absolutely move for better schools and shorter commutes for children. They need free time for studying and extra activities not wasting time on the commute (and no, not everyone can study on the commute for various reasons)

ArabellaScott · 29/11/2021 14:41

For making decisions: Two choices is hard because we tend to ricochet back and forth between them. Add more choices. What are other options?

SunnyNights · 29/11/2021 14:44

I would live half way, split the difference.

Or you could stay and drive her in most days.

A two hour commute each day is not ideal, my 12 year old would definitely not want to do that and I wouldn't make them.

PheonixGlitterRepublic · 29/11/2021 14:47

Is that total commute or time in bus. My commute to school was 20 minutes walk to the bus stop either side and 20 minutes on the bus so an hour in total. It wasn’t uncommon at my grammar, but looking back it was way too much and probably why I couldn’t be bothered to go to school a lot of the days.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 29/11/2021 14:49

I’d move closer to whichever school DD is allocated and then DS would be making an easier local application in most cases. Rather go very rural I’d go edge of town with decent transport. You can always go back to the city when kids are at uni / working.