I’ve been admitted to hospital at 37 weeks pg and my do didn’t want to join me

[PinkFing]

AIBU as he’s got work in the morning?

I’ve had a really intense migraine all night and have literally been crawling around our flat in pain. He didn’t want to wake up Ans was telling me to be quiet. At three I called a taxi to take me in after speaking to triage.

I asked if he wanted to come and he said no as he’s got work in the morning.

I’m now dosed up on strong pain relief and have been told I’m staying in tonight. He said he’ll pop by after work.

This man doesn't care about you & I'm afraid he's unlikely to care about his child when it's born.
You need to think about your future.

Aww, this is so sad to read OP, and I hope you're now feeling better physically? Will take a while emotionally I'm sure.

I totally empathise and it's really hard waiting for them to grow up, because they very often don't. We often forgive each of their uncaring/unpleasant actions and move on with life, but eventually it eats away at you.

All I can advise is that I wish SO MUCH I had acted differently with my ex and not forgiven and moved on each time he fucked up. I fell for the tears and apologies and promises for far too long. DCs are young adults now and I've been divorced 8 years, best decision I ever made, just wish I'd made it a lot sooner (after DC1 actually, he was a complete dick during pregnancy and after too).

Wishing you all the best, hope you stay well, have a good labour and really enjoy your baby. Only you know how much of his poor behaviour you are prepared to tolerate. Being a single parent is way easier than having a DC and an entitled Man Child though.

He knows he’s got to get better at night. I keep telling him he’s got to help me!

You need to stop expecting him to change. He's not going to "get better" at night. If he can't get himself out of bed to support his pregnant partner with a migraine then what on earth makes you think he's going to get up at 3am to change a screaming baby's nappy? He's not going to magically have a personality transplant just because you keep telling him he's got to.

He thinks I’m terrible with money because I love shopping and I’m not good at saving. No debt though

You are not terrible with money then, are you? You're just in a relationship with an awful man who'd like to keep you down and get more control of you. DO NOT give him access to YOUR money (I'll bet he's not giving you access to his, is he?). MAKE SURE THE CHILD BENEFIT IS PAID TO YOU as this will continue to cover your state pension contributions while you are on maternity leave

@PinkFing you say you've had a v sweet text from him, but has he apologised for abandoning you?

The very least if he was serious about things he should be grovelling his arse off

hope things get under control op
and i am sure you partner is nervous as well as excited.
will he take paternity leave?

You need to have serious words! What if you go into labour at night? Is he going to let you pop off to hospital to deliver the baby alone until he's had enough sleep?? Not to mention newborns are not exactly known for restful nighttimes...! I'd be furious - severe head pain can be a medical emergency (obviously glad it's not in your case!) and he showed a complete lack of compassion and kindness. Next time he's ill I certainly hope you don't show him one jot of sympathy. I'd really think less of him after this.

my dh preferred to be asleep while i was in labour
i had a bath, which made the labour progress, i thought it was for comfort
so he had to get out of bed.
but my dh is my dh and your dh is yours op.
take care

@PinkFing

He’s up and I’ve just had a really sweet text from him. He’s not always this shitty

Oh FGS 🙄 You'll be chucking rose petals in front of him next.

This guy who goes out partying, leaves you to struggle in pain and he has sent you a text when he has woken up?

OP, he should have looked after you last night, but you know that so there's no point revisiting it.

However: it is absolutely not a good look to be all ditsy and say you're no good with finances and like shopping. No, no, no. Get a grip on your finances NOW. There are so many threads on here by women who have ended up financially screwed either because they're been taken for a ride by a man, or because they're too little and cute to get their money organised. Do not become one of these women. You don't need a Maths degree to manage your money sensibly. Make a deal with your partner? You're both about to be parents, so he needs to rein in his partying, and you need to grow up and stop frittering money away.

@PinkFing

No I don’t have a plan b. I don’t think I’ll need one. He’s usually lovely which is why I posted this. It wasn’t his Normal but it gave me a sort of dreading feeling as he’s not being how I thought he’d be when I dreamt of being pregnant.

Oh dear! You really need to stop fantasising and start getting real because men who are selfish pricks when you’re pre-kids, don’t suddenly change when they get married and have children.

Why would you think otherwise?

My mum always hoped my dad would step up but after 5 kids, he was still a selfish alcoholic who occasionally did something decent which kept her hoping he’d change. When he was dying of cancer, he finally apologised for being a shit husband and father. Bit too late by then!

If you want him to do something specific, you have to tell him very clearly to do it. No hoping, hinting or martyrdom on your part will make him change his basic personality from being a selfish prick. He will do the bare minimum to keep you sweet as evidenced by his pathetic text.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. Hopefully, you’ll feel better soon and can go home and rest.

Men only really become a father when the baby arrives. I can understand him wanting to continue work/not waste leave until the baby is actually here, which is probably what is driving his decision not to come with you.

Also being really rational, in the event that baby was going to arrive imminently, he needs to get all the sleep he can now! My contractions started at 10pm at night, I sent DH immediately to bed because we needed at least one of us to have had some sleep!

Regardless of what posters say, I’d say you have a few things to keep in mind

• you are at a vulnerable time in your life. Don’t make harsh or rushed decisions. The pregnancy might be colouring your views or maybe actually you are waking up to how he is. Who knows…

• don’t be tempted to believe what he says. Believe what he does. Not wanting to be with you last night wasn’t great. My H is very much like this and is like this with everyone. He had the same attitude with his dad when he was literally on his last day . I suspect this is who he is. But he might still turn out to be a great dad. Just be careful not to set the bar too low!! A couple of nice things he has done doesn’t mean he is a great dad if he is never there when it matters (but only when it’s convenient for him)

• don’t accept excuses about him having to get up etc.. for never getting up at night. He has to learn to put his needs and wants aside until 1- you have recovered from the pg and birth and 2- baby is old enough that you, as the mother, aren’t deep into a treacle of exhaustion.

@DeepaBeesKit

Men only really become a father when the baby arrives. I can understand him wanting to continue work/not waste leave until the baby is actually here, which is probably what is driving his decision not to come with you.

Also being really rational, in the event that baby was going to arrive imminently, he needs to get all the sleep he can now! My contractions started at 10pm at night, I sent DH immediately to bed because we needed at least one of us to have had some sleep!

Well that was you. Not everyone wants to Labour alone so their DH can sleep…

He has all the sleep he wants and can just now. One night of supporting his DW is hardly going to be a make or break situation.
I mean he is SUPPOSED to have a crap night and be woken every night for the next several months!! Or is that reserved to new mothers?

@PinkFing

He knows he’s got to get better at night. I keep telling him he’s got to help me!

He thinks I’m terrible with money because I love shopping and I’m not good at saving. No debt though

Well it seems to have fallen on deaf ears! You told him "He needed to help you?" Well that's proven to not be the case hasn't it?

So you're going to have to ask him for your maternity pay? Ask him before you buy anything for your baby?

You both sound incredibly immature. I think you're both going to find parenting very difficult. You're basing it on fantasy scenarios, and he's not excited now it's a reality in the offing.

@Naunet

If this is what love looks like, I’ll pass.

This is absolutely not what love looks like.

But I'll agree that "my partner did a horrible thing and it wasn't the first time...OH NO I'M BEING UNFAIR HE'S SO LOVELY REALLY LOOK HE SENT ME A TEXT" does seem to be what a lot of women think it looks like.

If you're terrible with money how have you coped without anyone else taking over?

Shopping more & having less savings than he thinks you should doesn't make you bad with money!

He’s an arse. I’m sorry. I’d have gone in with a heavily pregnant stranger who was in pain and worried!!

Men only really become a father when the baby arrives. I can understand him wanting to continue work/not waste leave until the baby is actually here, which is probably what is driving his decision not to come with you.

Even if you believe that, he was still OPs partner last night and treated her very badly when she was in pain and worried for herself and their child. A caring partner would have been awake, trying to make her comfortable, speaking to the hospital and working out a plan. He could have took all that on, even if she did go alone to hospital and he went back to sleep and then work.

Also being really rational, in the event that baby was going to arrive imminently, he needs to get all the sleep he can now! My contractions started at 10pm at night, I sent DH immediately to bed because we needed at least one of us to have had some sleep!

She was in a lot of pain, something was wrong. She needed medical help, that is no time to be ensuring he gets sleep. Of course some fathers sleep when their partner is in the earlier stages of labour if everything is going to plan and their partner is coping. This isn’t what was happening here. This was potentially a very serious problem and OP needed support and help.

Seriously, what the fuck?

OP, I hope you’re ok. Firstly that you’re feeling better and everything is okay with the baby. Secondly, I imagine you are finding it difficult to read these posts. A lot of women have been in relationships with partners like this or seen their mums/sisters/friends go through it. You need to keep good family and friends around you, keep financial independence, seriously consider giving the child your surname, leaving your partner off the birth certificate and be honest with yourself about what is happening.

I really hope your partner steps up, but reading your posts, I sadly think it’s unlikely. Men like this don’t get better, they get worse after children and the longer you’ve been with them.

Mumsnetters have really good advice on the relationships board if/when you need it. There’s lots of help out there if you do need to leave at any point.

@PinkFing

He’s up and I’ve just had a really sweet text from him. He’s not always this shitty

It's easy to be sweet when you've had a full night's sleep. True love is being sweet even when it's disruptive and inconvenient.

He should have taken you in and shown he cared but he wouldn’t have been allowed in the hospital anyway.

Which would have been a complete and utter waste of time. Yes his response of having to work in the morning might seem uncaring, but when there was an option of her getting to the hospital herself that seems like the right thing to do.

My husband had to go in for surgery to remove a kidney, he went himself because there was no childcare available for our daughter. And anyway what’s the point in all of us sitting around for hours waiting for him to be called?

It isn’t uncaring, it is logistically sensible.

He's uncaring scum and you're deluded. I wouldn't even let a pregnant stranger get themselves to hospital if I could help and this is his own partner and baby and he couldn't be fucked. Pathetic!

It isn’t uncaring, it is logistically sensible

There wasn't another child though. And someone needed to advocate fir op just in case she was unable to.

Hell why doesn't he just miss the birth too I mean after all the drs and nurses can look after her. Amd single parent manage it , and well there's covid to use as the excuse for being an arsehole.Just give him a call in the morning when it's over. Not before 10am mind. Don't want poor guy tired.

@BoredZelda

He should have taken you in and shown he cared but he wouldn’t have been allowed in the hospital anyway.

Which would have been a complete and utter waste of time. Yes his response of having to work in the morning might seem uncaring, but when there was an option of her getting to the hospital herself that seems like the right thing to do.

My husband had to go in for surgery to remove a kidney, he went himself because there was no childcare available for our daughter. And anyway what’s the point in all of us sitting around for hours waiting for him to be called?

It isn’t uncaring, it is logistically sensible.

It is most definitely uncaring that as the op was in their home in agony he was telling her to be quiet. FFS.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

It sounds like this isn't the first time he's lacked compassion, but I'd certainly let it be the last time it bothered me if I were in your shoes.

Whatever you decide to do, however upset you are, protect your future by making sure you'll return to a stable job after maternity leave, that you're not paying a mortgage (fully or partially) on a house you're not on the title deeds for, and prioritise YOUR support network over his. If that means being closer to friends or family then so be it.

He can step up or step off.

Set your boundaries now, and love yourself enough to enforce them.

I can't get over the fact he told you to be quiet while you were in severe pain. That speaks volumes how is he going to cope when your baby cries? They don't have an off switch he can flick so he can get a sleep for work he will just have to get on with it