I’ve been admitted to hospital at 37 weeks pg and my do didn’t want to join me

[PinkFing]

AIBU as he’s got work in the morning?

I’ve had a really intense migraine all night and have literally been crawling around our flat in pain. He didn’t want to wake up Ans was telling me to be quiet. At three I called a taxi to take me in after speaking to triage.

I asked if he wanted to come and he said no as he’s got work in the morning.

I’m now dosed up on strong pain relief and have been told I’m staying in tonight. He said he’ll pop by after work.

I'm surprised he could even sleep, he clearly wasn't worried about you.

Texts are cheap, and a complete cop out in this day and age. So many women place so much value on a hastily tapped out "I love you" or similar such sentiment text, interpreting that as an honest declaration of undying love or commitment. Set your bar higher, and remember, as a PP said, look at what he does, not what he says.

It isn’t uncaring, it is logistically sensible

But even if he didn’t actually go in the taxi to the hospital with her, he could have comforted her whilst waiting, spoke to the hospital on the phone, made sure she had her bag/coat/notes.
We have snow and ice on the ground here, OP likely has too, it may also have been a good idea to see her into the taxi in case she slipped whilst feeling very unwell and presumably with quite a big bump at 37 weeks pregnant !

Then if he could really still sleep, the precious little man could have gone back to sleep.

Nevermind he has to go to work to provide for the OP and the unborn baby. She was crawling around in pain and he told her to be quiet! It says that in the OP. Total piece of shit!

Keep control of your own money and pension. Seriously. Protect yourself. If you are rubbish at savings, do an automatic transfer into an ISA of what you can afford. Always have a nest egg, or plan B, no matter how much you trust your partner. And frankly, it should not have been a text, it should have been 2 dozen roses, and apologies. His behaviour was awful.

Pregnant or not pregnant he should have taken you to the hospital. If my DH was unwell enough to need to go to hospital I'd go with him, even if I could only go as far as the front door to make sure he got there safely.

I got a sudden severe headache in late pregnancy. It was pre-eclampsia and me and the baby almost died. Thankfully my husband wasn't a selfish prick, and when the hospital said I needed to come in immediately, he took me straight away. I'm not saying that to demonstrate what a great man my husband is, just that this is what a normal man who cared for you would do. I can't imagine wanting to stay with someone as callous and uncaring as this. And you getting all gooey over a soppy text! Texts are easy to send, , look at how he behaves, especially when inconvenienced. And hang onto your cash, I suspect you might need it.

My DH is pretty useless at stuff like this but even he would have had the cop on to get up and be concerned

Please reconsider your relationship with this individual and make sure that as soon as possible after you give birth you are able to financial stand on your own two feet. So you must not give up work even if it is financially killing you.

I know both women and men with ex-partners who didn't take their illnesses seriously where they were hospitalised. None of them are together whether they have children or not.

Remember -
When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.

@PinkFing

That seems really extreme. He’d go mad if he found out. He’s the Dad!

We’ve never had relationship problems so I think he’s coming off badly on here. He was a total dick tonight though

Remember he is coming off as a dick because last night he was a dick. He may not always be so but last night when you needed him he was a dick.

Unfortunately pregnancy doesn’t make a man grow up. If your lucky then being a father may but it isn’t going to change his personality. You are going to need to be clear about your expectations and boundaries but yourself and with him to ensure your relationship survives parenthood.

The commando Dad book might be good for him to read. They are short and too the point and clearly explain what support women need in pregnancy, labour and how to parent.

Op good luck with the rest of the pregnancy, and focus on keeping yourself and your baby safe, but heed the warnings here. I was similar to you, minimised the unexpected crapness in pregnancy but it was in fact signs of character and red flags I missed. I don't think this guy will step up for you, or the baby, suddenly, just because you have given birth. Be careful, and keep money going to you. Get sorted over money, be organised and careful.

Love is caring for someone, not letting them crawl around in pain and get themselves to a hospital in the middle of the night. Being lovely at 7.30 am is not a sign that all is well. You don't have to make decisions now, though, focus on you and the baby for the timebeing.

I'd be raging!! Where I am DH wouldn't be allowed into the hospital, but he sure as hell could have helped you when you were at home and at least got you into the taxi safely, then stayed on the phone to see you got there/ checked in, how everything went!! He needs to grow up.

As for the money, keep you own bank acc and maternity pay going in there. If you're rubbish at finances get better at it. Budget out what you need. If you want maybe get a joint acc and agree how much he needs from you monthly from rent/ bills etc and transfer over that and let him deal with it. But keep your own money. Not even just in case you spilt up, just because it is nice to have your own money that you don't need to discuss all the time.

1. Your partner is scum. He told you to be quiet when you were in pain and left you to get a taxi on your own. These are the actions of a deeply selfish, uncaring man. A sweet text does not make up for his horrible behaviour.

1. If you have no debt you are not bad with money. Do NOT give up your financial independence. Keep your maternity pay and child benefit going into your account.

1. I know you may be thinking ‘What do all these strangers know? They all sound like they hate men’. Sadly, many of us here have had experience of very similar useless, immature partners. They don’t suddenly become good fathers because they will ALWAYS put their own needs first. They also tend to resent the baby taking up so much of their partner’s attention. Unfortunately, the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy

you’ve had a rough night.

As pp said, and I’m not saying this to be harsh, I promise...he’s not going to step up. If he was going to step up he would already have done so. Be prepared for your fantasies about that not to come true. He’s already shown you who he is.

Absolutely do not have your maternity pay redirected to his account - you have a child now, you need to be smart and you need to be able to look after yourself and your baby. If you’re used to the thrill of shopping you will just have to be disciplined and determined, because your baby will be relying on you.

Hope you feel better soon.

Ach, I cannot get past the first post by OP & no doubt much much has been said before,

But FFS you are 37 weeks pregnant, any pain any where requires attention. Your wellbeing & safety is the absolute priority. That the triage outcome did not shift his thinking (!) is a concern.

If he doesn’t have that common sense now, I doubt that he will wise up fast enough for you & baby.

@PinkFing

That seems really extreme. He’d go mad if he found out. He’s the Dad!

We’ve never had relationship problems so I think he’s coming off badly on here. He was a total dick tonight though

Well, at least don't rush to register the baby. Give it a few weeks at least to see if he steps up. If not, then you have options.

@PinkFing

He knows he’s got to get better at night. I keep telling him he’s got to help me!

He thinks I’m terrible with money because I love shopping and I’m not good at saving. No debt though

Don’t let him tell you this. If you were in debt he might have a point, but it sounds like he just wants to control all the finances. Next time you need to post about him (and there will be a next time) do it on the Relationships board.

@PinkFing

Sorry I should have said he can drive but we don’t have a car at the moment

He is not very responsible with money himself then, is he? His partner (who I guess he hasn't committed to/married you, so if you are not married you have no financial protections and if you are not married AND he controls your money, you are FUCKED) is pregnant, he can drive but can't even be arsed to get a car to take you to emergencies if needed and what about when baby comes? A car is necessary if you have small children. The other posters are right. He is a selfish, controlling, cold hearted pos. My DH would be driving me to the hospital and waiting in triage. He would never have told a thirty-seven week pregnant woman to 'be quiet' as he'd be panicking more than me something was wrong.

And now, you satisfy yourself with the lousy crumbs he throws your way - on a text message, of all things. Sorry honey but where is your self respect? This man doesn't love you, he isn't committed to you or his child, and he instead of being up and helping you get ready (purse, overnight bag, etc) he admonishes you, a 37 week pregnant woman in pain. Wtf? Only the lowest of the low would tell a 37 week pregnant woman - in pain - to 'be quiet'. Why is your self esteem so low that you accept this pathetic, lousy treatment from him? He IS scum, like a previous poster said. He is as useful to you as an ashtray on a motorbike. And you haven't even had the baby yet, so just think of how much more useless he will be then, because if you think he'll step up, when he hasn't so far, you are fooling yourself. He will get worse. A lot of my love and respect for him would die the moment he told me, the 37 week pregnant mother of his child, to be quiet, and went back to sleep instead of helping to organise me for the ambulance which is what the base level of any semi decent partner does. The basest of base levels. I could never love him or respect him in the same way or look at him the same way from that moment on. Forget the text, ACTIONS mean more than words. A cheap text is tacky and pathetic. When someone shows you who they are with their actions and attitude, believe them.

And now he wants to control your money, when he hasn't even made the best financial decisions himself. I wouldn't be with someone who wouldn't have a car when he had a wife/partner and child. I wouldn't. Nor would I allow him any financial control when I don't even have the legal financial security of marriage, you're just allowing this man to control you and your finances when he has no business controlling anyone's finances, he can't even look after himself, his partner and child's security with something as basic as a car. You are setting yourself up to be controlled and financially abused with no protection or security for yourself.

Can you go to your mothers or sisters or anyone for now until the birth? Face it, your 'partner' is useless and won't be any help to you anyway, definitely don't have him as the birthing partner. He'll probably shout at you to be quiet when you're in labor! Listen to the posters on here; if we're all telling you he is truly a horrible, selfish, controlling and abusive man, it's because he is. If this isn't LTB category, I don't know what is.

MN is full of very wise women who have seen and experienced all this shit a million times over and can see when it’s about to happen to someone else. You might think people are giving you a hard time but it is as clear as day what is in store for you over the next couple of years.

Nice, caring, loving partners do not leave their loved one crawling about in pain, even when they’re not heavily pregnant. What he did last night is bloody disgusting. It doesn’t matter whether or not he would have been allowed in with you. Taking 30 seconds to send a nice text doesn’t show he cares. It shows he’s careful enough not to push you too far in case you see him for what he is. You’re paying attention to his words when you should be paying attention to his actions. He might be excited about day trips and football matches and Christmas mornings but he’s completely unprepared for sleepless nights, shitty nappies and crying for ages.

I think you would be absolutely mad to transfer your money to his account.

[quote Rosiiiiie]@PinkFing it’s not really the same as any migraine though. You’re 37 weeks!! For all he knows you could’ve gotten to hospital and they could’ve decided on an emergency Caesar![/quote]
Agree with this. Your partner is incredibly uncaring.. he's totally in the wrong.

@DeepaBeesKit

Men only really become a father when the baby arrives. I can understand him wanting to continue work/not waste leave until the baby is actually here, which is probably what is driving his decision not to come with you.

Also being really rational, in the event that baby was going to arrive imminently, he needs to get all the sleep he can now! My contractions started at 10pm at night, I sent DH immediately to bed because we needed at least one of us to have had some sleep!

She is not in labour, she was in so much pain from a migraine she was crawling around. He told her to be quiet.

And some men only become a father when the baby arrives, don't judge all men by your low standards.

i mean you could have been losing your baby... the baby that should be loved by bothof you and it doesnt sound like he would care..

There were some me elements where I gave him the benefit of the doubt. If you don’t have a car, I understand you getting a cab as it does seem pointless getting a cab together to essentially drop you off and then he has to get home. However, I would expect constant communication in the cab with him checking you were okay and that you arrived safely and getting updates, not bunking off back to bed. Also, no hospital wants partners there at 3am in morn if you are admitted. If it’s a situation where you need to give birth sooner rather than later he could get a cab in and likely not miss the main event.

It’s all the other stuff though they makes him seem like a contender for prick of the universe. Sleeping through while you are unwell, telling you to be quiet while you are in pain, providing no support or follow up. Fucking hell, that’s abusive.

I do think you need to check expectation re excitement though. No idea who can be that excited for 9 months, I struggled to maintain it for a few weeks with my first then it was life as usual, then right at the end I was too tired to be excited. I wouldn’t have expected DH to be bursting out of his skin at any point. He was very excited at the actual births though when he met each.

But even if he didn’t actually go in the taxi to the hospital with her, he could have comforted her whilst waiting, spoke to the hospital on the phone, made sure she had her bag/coat/notes.

Oh I agree. In the OP’s situation, a whole load more sympathy and concern should have been shown. The quoted post I took issue with was when PP suggested he should have gone with her anyway even though he wouldn’t be allowed in, just to show he cared. That’s a ludicrous suggestion and feeds in to some unrealistically romanticised view of what we should expect from a partner.

This does not bode well for the future OP. This is not a man who cares for your welfare or his baby's.
I'm sorry you can't see what a selfish uncaring twat your partner is. I hope your fantasy of him becoming a loving daddy to your baby and a supportive partner comes true but I seriously doubt it.
Take care.

Thanks for all your messages. On reflection I’m definitely not going to combine our Konya and keep getting mat leave paid to me. I think he worries as his own mum got into massive debt through catalogues when he was younger.

I’m still really hurt by his actions and after a sleep I’m feeling less forgiving.

He’s called and I reminded him that he was getting annoyed with my pain noises last night and he said he was sorry and must have been half asleep.