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I’ve been admitted to hospital at 37 weeks pg and my do didn’t want to join me
232

PinkFing · 29/11/2021 06:51

AIBU as he’s got work in the morning?

I’ve had a really intense migraine all night and have literally been crawling around our flat in pain. He didn’t want to wake up Ans was telling me to be quiet. At three I called a taxi to take me in after speaking to triage.

I asked if he wanted to come and he said no as he’s got work in the morning.

I’m now dosed up on strong pain relief and have been told I’m staying in tonight. He said he’ll pop by after work.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

PinkFing · 29/11/2021 07:54

He knows he’s got to get better at night. I keep telling him he’s got to help me!

He thinks I’m terrible with money because I love shopping and I’m not good at saving. No debt though

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Throwntothewolves · 29/11/2021 07:55

Look at his actions, don't listen to his words. He let you down in a time of need, and it sounds like he has form. Be prepared for him not being quite so excited about becoming a Dad after couple of weeks living with a new born. It's good you are capable of looking after yourself, because you are clearly not going to be able to rely on him for help once your baby is here.
OP you deserve better. Be prepared for the worst from him. When he lets you down don't expect him to change, just leave him.

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Carrotte · 29/11/2021 07:55

@PinkFing

He’s up and I’ve just had a really sweet text from him. He’s not always this shitty

Doesn't matter. He was shitty when you needed him most.
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NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 29/11/2021 07:55

@PinkFing

I get a migraine about once a year but I can’t take the usual tablets. He would have been more sympathetic in the day but is not happy to be woken at night.

Well that bodes well for having a baby! Not.

He's a horrible, selfish twat. That's unacceptable behaviour from someone in the street, let alone someone that's supposed to love you, pregnant or not.

How disgusting that were in such pain & he told you to be quiet, then didn't go with you to make sure you got to the hospital ok (whether he would have been allowed in or not is irrelevant, he should have taken you as far as possible & stayed with you as long as possible & definitely until someone from the hospital took over).

I suggest when you're feeling up to it, you arrange a birthing partner and look at your housing situation, because, no, he's not going to grow up overnight and you'll need an adult well before he does (IF he ever does).

But all that later, right now you need to rest x
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femfemlicious · 29/11/2021 07:58

@PinkFing

He’s up and I’ve just had a really sweet text from him. He’s not always this shitty

Oh dear ....you are still in denialSad. You have a looooong road ahead of you. Good luck

Just try not to have any more kids with him.
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PinkFing · 29/11/2021 07:58

Thank you, I know I should be resting but someone sounds like they’re in labour next to me and I’m trying to distract myself!!

He’s definitely going to be the birthing partner.

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DarlingFell · 29/11/2021 08:00

You need to raise your bar way Way higher.

Your DH told you to be quiet when you were crawling around in pain. Unforgivable.

He would be my ex DH if he did that to me.

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Offmyfence · 29/11/2021 08:01

@Unsure1983

I would be incandescent at such disregard and selfishness. I've been in abusive relationships and even those partners wouldn't have done that. If he continues to be useless OP, I'd suggest you would be a lot happier without him.

Well said!

Telling you to keep quiet when you're in extreme pain?

What happens if your labour is through the night?

He sounds awful.
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JustDanceAddict · 29/11/2021 08:02

People’s true selves come out in a crisis.
It’s easy to be sweetness and light when things are calm.
Having a baby is not a calm experience. You said you’ll breastfeed but my dh still helped settle after baby had fed in the early days. And I couldn’t feed baby no.2 so we took turns doing the night shift. There’s ni guarantee you’ll be able to breastfeed but it’s easier to get through the early days if you have the support of your partner.
Def kept your pay in your account for goodness sakes esp if you’re not married.

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diddl · 29/11/2021 08:03

He might be usually lovely but he's certainly showing a bloody great case of unlovliness now!

You were in pain with a migraine & he was telling you to shut up.

How do you get past such nasty behaviour?

I'd be telling him to fuck off with his "sweet text".

Too little too late.

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DukkaDukka · 29/11/2021 08:04

Don’t let him look after your finances! You’re not married, you need to be careful. I’m afraid after a few weeks the novelty of having a baby will wear off and he’ll be back to partying. It’s a common theme on the relationship board. Think carefully about giving him your name. You shouldn’t have to hope someone will change, they often don’t.

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diddl · 29/11/2021 08:05

"He’s definitely going to be the birthing partner."

Don't go making any noise if the poor lamb is tired!

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NellieBertram · 29/11/2021 08:06

Keep your own money and give the baby your name!

Have a back up birth partner and make sure you have somewhere else to stay (your mum? Is she helpful?) after the birth just in case he turns shitty again.

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NCnotmyusualone · 29/11/2021 08:07

So you were literally crawling around, in agony, and because it was nighttime he didn’t give a shit? That’s BS op, and excusing him now he’s sent a nice message is not doing yourself any favours. I’m really sorry, but this is not great, and probably a good indicator of how your next few years will be. Him not helping/being a selfish twat, then being nice so you forgive him….

Ask him if he would have been that shit in the middle of the night if you had gone into labour, or if in a few months time your baby is sick at 3am. He’ll say no, of course, but actions speak louder than words. I hate being woken up. Seriously love my sleep. I’d be up in a flash if anyone I cared about was in pain/in need, so that crap doesn’t cut it. He’s a selfish wanker.

Swap it round op, if he was crawling round in agony can you imagine for one second you would be telling him to pipe down as you needed your sleep? No, you’d be worried sick and up trying to help him.

Your addition now of him trying to control you financially is pretty scary too. Please keep your finances separate, as others have advised.

Also, Please stop minimising what he has done tonight because in the day he can be lovely. He just gave you a good old glimpse of just how much he cares about you and your baby. And it wasn’t great was it? Sadly I really don’t think he will step up to the plate when you need him to. He didn’t manage it this time did he.

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LagunaBubbles · 29/11/2021 08:08

No I don’t have a plan b. I don’t think I’ll need one. He’s usually lovely which is why I posted this. It wasn’t his Normal but it gave me a sort of dreading feeling as he’s not being how I thought he’d be when I dreamt of being pregnant

Nothing you gave posted makes him sound lovely. You are backtracking now. Good luck, as you are going to need it.

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RampantIvy · 29/11/2021 08:08

He just lives like one as in partying hard on his evenings off!

That’s a bit of a red flag IMO.

I’m getting mat pay from work directly to me. We’re going to change that soon as I’m rubbish with finances

No, please keep this money going to you. Being rubbish with finances is no excuse. Keep a spreadsheet of your expenses.

If you don't have a car how are you planning to get to hospital? Our taxi services where we live are rubbish just now, and if you are giving birth during then Christmas party period you might find a taxi difficult to get hold of.

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BonesInTheOcean · 29/11/2021 08:09

@PinkFing

I think he’ll step up when the baby’s here. He’s been really excited about becoming a dad

I dont.

Based on what you have said here (I haven't looked at your posting history) I think you will be lucky to get any help. Also I wouldn't have another child with him.
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MrsWooster · 29/11/2021 08:10

When a man tells you what he is like, believe him.
He’s setting the bar for the rest of your relationship-it’s your responsibility, but you’re incompetent (rubbish with money etc-tho I bet he’s got debt etc but it’s somehow different when he does it..). Your needs (support, empathy) have NO merit, but his (partying, sleeping) are absolutely unchallengeable.
Now would be a really good time to challenge and reset some of this before you slip into the baby-years-blur and emerge in a few years with everything set in stone.

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MyOtherProfile · 29/11/2021 08:12

DO NOT change your finances to go to him.

DO NOT make excuses for him now he has sent you a sweet text. He still badly let you down.

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Totalwasteofpaper · 29/11/2021 08:12

He’s definitely going to be the birthing partner.

Unless he is sleepy.

Honestly start making a plan b. Keep your money and think about the birth cert VERY carefully

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EverdeRose · 29/11/2021 08:13

huge huge huge red flags here OP. Absolutely massive!!!!

He's not going to take a magical pill and become a brilliant dad offering help and support. It'll be your job.
It sounds like he's already beginning to financially isolate you and brainwash you into think you're not to be trusted with your own finances.

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Naunet · 29/11/2021 08:14

If this is what love looks like, I’ll pass.

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GertietheGherkin · 29/11/2021 08:19

@PinkFing

I know. I’m dreading the nights as I don’t think he’ll be much use

Why on Earth did even think having a baby with this guy was a good idea?

You said you'd fantasised he'd turn into an overprotective Father? Have you been testing that theory out? Have you grumbled a few times hoping he'd suddenly change?

Well he hasn't, and he won't. You now have two choices, stay and put up with being treated this way, or leave. That's the bottom line of it really isn't it? If you think presenting him with a baby is going to make him go all soft and caring, you know what his attitude will be. He won't offer any support at all. You'll be on here asking why he's not pulling his weight, helping with the baby, doing chores. Asking for advice on your relationship. It's dead in the water, his actions have shown you that. Spend the next few weeks preparing for your baby, you'll do far better without him.
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Sidehustle99 · 29/11/2021 08:20

Just over an hour and you've done a complete u turn. You know what he did was heartless otherwise you wouldn't have asked on here. Why are you so ready to wind your neck in. He hasn't even been to check on you or helped in any way. He's sent a text that's a very small gesture.

I know you are feeling vulnerable but it is how people treat you when you are like that that will stick with you. He should be holding your hand and you know it. Stick up for yourself.

I'm so glad he's getting excited about 'becoming a Dad' but he also needs to work on 'becoming a partner'. You really should need to be prompting him on this either.

Good luck OP with the rest of your pregnancy and beyond Thanks

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Whatwouldscullydo · 29/11/2021 08:21

Oh god so he's planyed seeds of doubt with regards to your financial capabilities.

That doesn't sound good op

Make sure you keep your own money!

He sounds financially controlling.

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