To hate how being quiet is seen as a problem

[Ireallydontcare55]

People who are very chatty, outgoing etc are usually seen as favourable and something to strive towards, I find. There are people who prefer quieter personalities but I feel like it’s in the minority.

I’m labelled as quiet/shy/reserved by virtually everybody, which is fine in itself but it’s often seen as something to have to improve and almost to cure.

My partner is fairly chatty and good at talking to people. I met an older female colleague of his the other week for literally a minute, and we made some very brief and insignificant small talk.

Apparently she then said to him, “She’s just so much quieter than you, you’re so different.”

I had seen her very briefly in passing, she hadn’t herself said anything of interest yet she apparently knows what I’m like.

I’ve had so many people refer to me behind my back as nervous. I do have a slightly nervous disposition but there’s nothing I can do about it, I try my best.

A male colleague has told me several times at work to ‘not be nervous’ despite me repeatedly telling him that I am not, and that I’m doing fine. Despite it surely coming from a good place, it’s just not helping me at all having it constantly commented on. I would never tell him to just stop being whatever.

I find that I’ve started to not bother trying to meet new people and just shut myself off from those I already know, it just seems easier.

I just feel picked on, constantly commented on and I hate being seen as having something wrong with me, what can I do ?

Also if you’re quieter, people know what music you like, it’s unreal. The number of times I’ve had people assume the sort of music I like or expressed shock that I like something more ‘out there’.

I hear you OP.

I'm often reminded of one of my old convent school teachers who detested noisy show-offs and when there was too much talking in class would witheringly proclaim 'empty vessels make the most noise'.

That sentiment is sadly forgotten these days.

As a quiet person myself I can totally relate.
I think some people feel nervous around quiet people so they spew out loads of random questions. I'm happy with silence rather than mind less chat but appreciate that some people feel uncomfortable with this.
I'm not changing and I'm not forcing myself to be chatty when I'm not.

Yes, the world seems to be set up for extroverts, and introverts are seen as somewhat lacking I think. I become happier with who I am as I become older; everyone else can think whatever they like.

I hear you op. I can be very sociable and chatty when I want to be, other times I don't feel the need to and only talk when I have something to say.
I've had it all my life too, since school when being criticised for it.

Keep being yourself. I try to remember quick lines to reply back when I get it but other times I can't be bothered.

Also I get a lot of people say oh you're a dark horse when they find something out about me. I don't trust people that say they're 'an open book' as a lot of the time they are not. And people shouldn't be, not unless you know someone.

Nothing terribly helpful to say but I do sympathise. I agree being reserved or quiet is often seen as something to be worked on. My DD 15 is reserved and quiet in school (completely different at home). On one hand the teachers love her as she is the perfect hard working head down student. But there has been a constant trickle of I would love her to speak out more, I wish she would contribute more, come out of her shell … Every so often a teacher says it’s just her way and that’s absolutely fine or they say she is keeping her cards close to her chest (spot on for her) which is refreshing for us to hear.

I wish being an introvert was more accepted. Don’t dwell on what your partners colleague said, forget about it. I think I vaguely remember a TED talk about being an introvert, maybe take a look at that. I find extroverts annoying after a while actually. There’s nothing wrong with you at all. Try not to let dumb comments get to you.

I can totally relate! But a shift of mindset for me really helped to stop viewing being quiet as a problem. The book 'quiet, the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking' was great to look at all the good things and benefits about being a quieter person. www.amazon.co.uk/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0141029196/ref=asc_df_0141029196/?hvlocphy=1007460&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310973726618&hvpone&hvlocint&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-448425243075&hvrand=6708444260871716469

I’m totally with you OP. I’ve met new people before and felt I’d got on really well with them, only to hear that the only thing they’ve had to say about me is ‘she’s quiet isn’t she’.
I’d rather be quiet than a loud show off, or someone who interrogates people with a hundred questions as soon as they meet them.

God save us from big personalities, they're so wearing. Give me a quiet person any day. We rock. I use my quietness as a shit filter. If you can't be bothered to get to know me that's just fine, carry on blustering away you windbag. Your loss. I'll go chat in a low key way to the quiet people. Much more interesting conversation. I've always been comfortable with conversational pauses and people who dont force themselves on others

I find that I'm quite sensitive to signals that other people are just chatting for the sake of it, or that they're not particularly interested in what someone else is saying. So, I suppose I limit speaking to more genuine conversation that both parties want to take part in. Does anyone else feel like this?

It’s funny how things have changed over the years. I went to school in the 1960’s and it was considered a good thing to be quiet; I had many complimentary comments on reports etc to that effect.
My children went to school in the 1990’s and got constant they need to speak up comments.
Weird!

I get this all the time
I was once threatened with losing my job (just office admin) for being too quiet

It can be quite hard to deal with very quiet people though. I'm line managing someone at the moment who is very very quiet, lovely girl but i do struggle with reading people like her. It feels a bit one way and I wish she would open up a bit more so I can give her more support.

@TrueGrit54 I know what you mean! My DS is 16, and every single teacher throughout his time at school, at every single parents evening, with one exception, commented on him being quite as if it was a bad thing. Only one said something like, you're quiet, and that's ok. We started to explicitly say to him that if that's the only thing they want you to change, you must be doing ok, but don't change. Schools in particular seem to reward more sociable children.
I'm very similar. I struggle at work in large teams if expected to 'speak up'. I now work in a lovely small team where I can happily just be myself, quietly getting on with my work. But I have been overlooked in the past for my more talkative colleagues. It's frustrating, but I no longer push myself to 'speak up' at work.

I've been slated for being quiet but I'm actually not. If I start a new job for example, I like to stay fairly quiet at first to concentrate on learning the role and scope out my colleagues. I prefer one-on-one chat to get to know people better before I open up.

In my experience, the quieter people are always the most interesting. They usually have interesting hobbies, are well travelled or well read. The louder ones seem to feed off gossip or don't have anything interesting to say. My MIL is an outgoing, chatty person but she talks about the most trivial shit just for the sake of talking.

I’m quiet. People seem to think I’m sitting there plotting their murder- remember the Tom’s nutty bars on tv? Where the man is in the tube and you can hear peoples thoughts but when it for to the nutty bar man it was all just weird whistles and honks? That’s me... or I’m thinking about food.

I'm often described as quiet - one person referred to me very disdainfully as 'mousy'! They know nothing, absolutely nothing, about me or my abilities, knowledge, and accomplishments, and I'm happy for it to stay that way.

Quiet people are great but the ones who make no effort whatsoever and sit there with a face on while you do all the work when you are stuck together are rude and infuriating. Friend's partner for example, always comes on a night out, and then looks miserably at the floor and gives one word answers to my desperate polite small talk when friend is in the toilet or at the bar. Or work colleague who I've had to go on drives with to client sites, who refuses to talk and says "anything is fine" when I ask for suggestions for music or podcasts but then groans and rubs their head as if in pain when I put on an inoffensive spotify playlist so we end up just sitting in silence for two hours.
Being shy and being quiet and being an introvert is great - I lean that way myself. Refusing to hold up your side of the social contract and leaving other people feeling awkward and miserable as a result is rude and arrogant.

It seems like you have 2 issues - being perceived as "too quiet" and being perceived as "nervous." The first sounds like a "them" problem - be as quiet as you like! They can learn to appreciate you or not, up to them. However, you might lose out if people continue to see you as nervous. In their minds, it often correlates with "less capable /confident in your abilities". Obviously this matters more in work situations, so depending on how you feel it's affecting your progress, you may want to look into personal coaching or even some YouTube videos to learn how to project quiet assurance without changing your personality.

Yes and no:

Its definitely true that extroverts and confident people get noticed more and it probably is an advantage initially and in situations where you have to get noticed: ie when applying for a job or in a bar.

But over the longer term I'm not so sure: very extrovert people and people who don't know when to stop talking are quite often people who struggle with meaningful long-term relationships and just seek surface validation from social events. I've known a lot of people in my life who are superficially mega confident but actually have difficulty sustaining close friendships and relationships.

Because with these people its all about them and they frequently struggle to engage with other people and to respond to their social cues and to "read" them. People who are quiet are often better able to listen, absorb and watch, which are very useful skills and probably serve them better in making durable friendships.

So I wouldn't be too quick to assume its always a handicap.

If you find your quietness holds you back then it may be something to work on. But in and of itself I don't think quietness is a problem and I think you might want to learn to embrace it a bit.

Seconding having a read of Susan Cain’s book, Quiet. I own my quietness! As a op said, empty vessels make the most noise.

Totally understand. I'm by nature a quiet person but can be chatty when I want to be and only when I feel comfortable. I've lost count of how many times I've been told similar things to you OP.

My son went for a college interview. He was quietly listening to everything the tutor was saying as he showed us around. The tutor then blurted out "Oh you'll have to speak up more if you want to do well here" That just had the effect (on both of us) to say even less and we quickly left soon after. He wasn't enrolling on a public speaking course fgs! Really don't know why they thought that kind of comment would bring out the best in someone 🤷‍♀️ My son went to a different college and got the top grades in his year. The first college missed out on a great student.

I feel so strongly about this issue. My DS was constantly quiet-shamed in school and it drained his confidence. Studies show that introversion is largely genetic and an intrinsic part of personality. So, really, it should be a protected characteristic. No shaming allowed!

I’m a quiet person, but yes, I do think we’re a problem socially. We hardly say anything, we don’t really contribute like more outgoing people, we’re hard work.

It’s like getting blood out of a stone when you’re stuck with (other) quiet people. So yeah, I do think it’s something they should be worked on.