To hate how being quiet is seen as a problem

[Ireallydontcare55]

People who are very chatty, outgoing etc are usually seen as favourable and something to strive towards, I find. There are people who prefer quieter personalities but I feel like it’s in the minority.

I’m labelled as quiet/shy/reserved by virtually everybody, which is fine in itself but it’s often seen as something to have to improve and almost to cure.

My partner is fairly chatty and good at talking to people. I met an older female colleague of his the other week for literally a minute, and we made some very brief and insignificant small talk.

Apparently she then said to him, “She’s just so much quieter than you, you’re so different.”

I had seen her very briefly in passing, she hadn’t herself said anything of interest yet she apparently knows what I’m like.

I’ve had so many people refer to me behind my back as nervous. I do have a slightly nervous disposition but there’s nothing I can do about it, I try my best.

A male colleague has told me several times at work to ‘not be nervous’ despite me repeatedly telling him that I am not, and that I’m doing fine. Despite it surely coming from a good place, it’s just not helping me at all having it constantly commented on. I would never tell him to just stop being whatever.

I find that I’ve started to not bother trying to meet new people and just shut myself off from those I already know, it just seems easier.

I just feel picked on, constantly commented on and I hate being seen as having something wrong with me, what can I do ?

Cordyceps - maybe your passengers didn't want to listen to music at all? So by tolerating background music they WERE making an effort. I'm afraid you can't control other people or make them talk if they don't want to - you shouldn't take it personally.

For me quietness has been a problem. It definately held back my career

I had a lot of therapy at one point to make me realise that for me it's partly coping mechanism. I used to get annoyed when people would say I came across as nervous in appropriate feedback sessions but actually watching back some of the presentations I gave my delivery was poor.

My shyness meant I wasn't adequately communicating my knowledge and was coming across as nervous

I sort of just expected for people to just know I knew stuff. Life has been much better since I've put myself foward for tasks, and contributed. Before hand I would happily sit quietly in a meeting for example even when I knew what they were proposing was doomed to fail, and used to just do what I was asked. Since becoming a bit more confident I'm actually taking control of some stuff rather than being steered 100% by everyone else and feeling like a passenger

@Constellationstation

I’m totally with you OP. I’ve met new people before and felt I’d got on really well with them, only to hear that the only thing they’ve had to say about me is ‘she’s quiet isn’t she’. I’d rather be quiet than a loud show off, or someone who interrogates people with a hundred questions as soon as they meet them.

I get very tired of this mindset, where someone congratulates themselves on not being a ‘loud show off’ or insanely nosy, as if that’s the only alternative to being ‘quiet’. It usually also involves misunderstanding the difference between introversion and extroversion, or confusing introversion with shyness/reserve/anxiety etc.

Many of the people complaining about being mistreated because they are ‘quiet’ appear to have poor social skills. If a wide range of people find you hard work to be around in different settings, you might want to consider whether it’s your behaviour that’s wanting, rather than some kind of institutional discrimination in favour of extroverts.

@Gottahavehighhopes

For me quietness has been a problem. It definately held back my career

I had a lot of therapy at one point to make me realise that for me it's partly coping mechanism. I used to get annoyed when people would say I came across as nervous in appropriate feedback sessions but actually watching back some of the presentations I gave my delivery was poor.

My shyness meant I wasn't adequately communicating my knowledge and was coming across as nervous

I sort of just expected for people to just know I knew stuff. Life has been much better since I've put myself foward for tasks, and contributed. Before hand I would happily sit quietly in a meeting for example even when I knew what they were proposing was doomed to fail, and used to just do what I was asked. Since becoming a bit more confident I'm actually taking control of some stuff rather than being steered 100% by everyone else and feeling like a passenger

That sounds very fair, @Gottahavehighhopes. I say the above as someone brought up by very shy, socially awkward parents, especially a mother who thought shyness was the only correct way to be for girls and women. It took me a lot of work to realise that fundamentally I’m not at all shy, it was learned behaviour — which really held my life back, personally and professionally.

I think it’s fine to be whatever you are- the world needs all sorts to work properly and it would be very boring if we are all the same. Plus, there are upsides and downsides to either tendency. And lots of people aren’t at the extreme end of either introvert or extrovert.

I do think though that being quiet is fine, but not contributing to group work etc can be an issue. Also, some replies here are verging in the very thing that you’ve criticised others for doing- being critical of others personality as “too loud”, “windbag” or less interesting etc. I think it better to take each person as they come.

@MilkTooth

I get very tired of this mindset, where someone congratulates themselves on not being a ‘loud show off’ or insanely nosy, as if that’s the only alternative to being ‘quiet’. It usually also involves misunderstanding the difference between introversion and extroversion, or confusing introversion with shyness/reserve/anxiety etc.

I agree with this. I do sympathise with people who struggle with shyness or who feel expected to "join in" when they're not comfortable.

But there is this narrative around at the moment which lumps everyone into one of two categories: sensitive, intelligent introverts vs loud, noisy needy show-offs. It's a cartoonishly simplistic picture of what people are like and what drives them.

And also the vast majority of us are somewhere in the middle of this spectrum anyway.

well put jacks11

Theres different levels of quiet. Training someone who gives you mono syllable answers and a blank face is incredibly hard. You feel like you have to ask 20 questions to get a feeling if they have actually understood what your teaching. It's like pulling teeth.

I'm quiet, and get quite anxious in social situations, but I try to see it as a strength.

The crap that I know about people, because I listen all the time, is unreal. I can use that to my advantage.

People can't learn anything while they're flapping their jaw constantly and seldom have anything worth listening to to say. Those who talk for talking's sake are utterly tiresome.

It's probably no coincidence that my favourite art form is ballet.

My friend and I spent an hour just sewing together recently, chatted a bit but mostly just enjoyed the cosiness and listened to music. It was blissful.

As the opposite to you @Ireallydontcare55 I would say ‘back yourself up’…

One of my favourite people is very quiet BUT she is self assured and confident and no one would dream of saying anything about her being quiet like they have to you. Simply put, be assertive and make sure these people do not get away with it, they’ll soon stop.

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@MilkTooth

I get very tired of this mindset, where someone congratulates themselves on not being a ‘loud show off’ or insanely nosy, as if that’s the only alternative to being ‘quiet’. It usually also involves misunderstanding the difference between introversion and extroversion, or confusing introversion with shyness/reserve/anxiety etc.

I agree with this. I do sympathise with people who struggle with shyness or who feel expected to "join in" when they're not comfortable.

But there is this narrative around at the moment which lumps everyone into one of two categories: sensitive, intelligent introverts vs loud, noisy needy show-offs. It's a cartoonishly simplistic picture of what people are like and what drives them.

And also the vast majority of us are somewhere in the middle of this spectrum anyway.[/quote]
I think that’s fair enough. And yes, few of us are jammed up against either end of the spectrum, anyway, and many of us have to modify our more comfortable :’natural’ mode for work purposes.

And @Hankunamatata , I hear you entirely on teaching. Teachers wish people would ‘contribute’ in class largely because otherwise you need to wait for written work before being able to grasp whether someone is following.

These threads always bring the extroverts out bleating as if they are being attacked and saying quieter people don't have their social skills.
It's very predictable.
All the OP is saying there is nothing wrong with being quiet.

I am an extrovert and I have worked very hard at trying to understand my introverted dd, and make her feel proud and happy to be exactly who she is. My dh is the same as dd. I have the opposite problem however of them complaining about my always wanting to go out/see friends etc and I find that quite annoying. I am what I am in the same way they are what they are. I need other people to feel refreshed and reenergised, I love to meet new people and do new things. They come home to recharge so we are different. I don't think one is better than the other, just different ways of enjoying a fulfilling life. I envy that they don't need other people, enjoy their own company and never seem to suffer from FOMO -

To be honest being at either end of the scales of extroversion or introversion is a problem. Most people are not at the absolute opposite ends.

What people find hard is the absolute silence and nervousness. I’m an introvert, I get very tired around people but I can enjoy company and chatting for a couple of hours.

The issue with all these threads is people look at extreme examples and it just ends up as a ding dong between the extroverts and introverts. I think what people think is introversion is mixed up with social anxiety often.

*You have to take people's cultural backgrounds and their upbringing into account. People who are very reluctant to express opinions or state a choice have often been brought up to think its rude to do so.

I personally find quiet people quite hard work: it makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable when someone won't attempt to meet me half way conversationally but I have learned over time that that's my problem and not theirs. There is a need for some give and take, conversationally, to oil the wheels of society, but some people will always find this hard.*

Or were often shouted down, talked over to a point they fear others doing so an it became exhausting, hurtful to try. I struggled with voicing opinions and decision-making because I was a “quiet” person in an extremely loud, often shouty family. Saying that, I did speak up in school because it was easier to share knowledge than speak of my own opinions unless it was asked for (usually in written word, which I am way better at).

I just learned to regulate it. Saying that, I struggle with people who cannot have a moment of silence when there has been a natural end to the conversation and must fill it especially when I’m busy.

maybe your passengers didn't want to listen to music at all? So by tolerating background music they WERE making an effort.

No, Bergamot, she wrote: work colleague... says "anything is fine" when I ask for suggestions for music or podcasts but then groans and rubs their head as if in pain when I put on an inoffensive spotify playlist. That is NOT making an effort. That is behaving like a four-year-old.

I hate when people say "it's the quiet ones who are the worst/ have to watch etc". I always feel like saying "really, are there statistics to back this up?"

Or when people say "aren't you quiet".... It seems acceptable somehow to make personal remarks about quiet people. But nobody seems to make comments on how noisy some people are.

When I was small my parents were a bit worried because I rarely spoke (the younger of a crowd, they handnt realised that my older siblings always spoke for me - they still do 🙄).

A relative was a senior child psychologist and they invited him over for a look. He said that there was nothing wrong - that I was just observing and taking everything in and I’d speak when I had something to say.

Reminds me of another old saying:

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
Abraham Lincoln

@Ionlydomassiveones

Oh here we go - the ‘quiet’ people self congratulating themselves about how much more thoughtful and reflective and sensitive and interesting and superior they are to all the ‘empty vessels making all the noise’. Actually as humans we thrive on human interaction and communication. If everyone sat there mute as fuck because somehow it doesn’t seem our responsibility to contribute then society would be a weird place.

Let me assure you that most of the apparent ‘chatty’ ‘loud’ ‘confident’ empty vessels don’t want to shoulder all the social spadework either. Learn to get over your discomfort like most grown ups do and get over yourselves.

As a naturally quiet reserved introvert, I have to say I actually agree with this.

We do need to give something of ourselves if we want to form meaningful relationships or not be constantly overlooked. Other people are not mind readers to know what's going in in our heads.

That doesn't mean anyone needs to change who they are, but sometimes effort is needed from us quiet introverts.

On FB there's an accepting group called introverts, empaths and old souls.

I think the only thing you should is work on truelu accepting yourself so that when people makes comments like that it doesn't bother you.

I feel you OP. My quietness has been pointed out to me my whole life. But I’ve never been a speak just to fill the air with noise kind of person. I do however always speak up when I’ve something to say and don’t hold back.

Really unexpectedly it came up when I was discussing a potential role with a recruiter recently. I was asking them lots of questions about the role and thought our meeting was going really well. Then out of the blue they told me I came across as an “extremely shy” person and that would not come across well in the interview. It really knocked my confidence and I didn’t apply for the role in the end.

It’s rude and unprofessional to comment on how ‘quiet’ someone is. But the world isn’t made up of babbling extroverts and stone silent introverts (I know introvert doesn’t mean silent etc but this is what people seem to believe). Most people are in the middle so being either one of the above is a problem.

From a work perspective talking to people helps build relationships. ‘Quiet’ people can be good at this because they’re good listeners, let the other person talk and feel good about themselves. However a lot of people are quiet and unmemorable. Don’t speak in meetings, don’t chat with anybody, just want to work and go home. Given that at higher levels work is about relationships as a line manager I would point it out however not say they’re quiet, just discuss how they build relationships and contribute to the team spirit. It can take time but be learnt. A few of my mentors have been ‘quiet’ women who were fabulous leaders.

Equally if someone is constantly talking, shutting down others’ opinions etc I also have a word with them to tone it down.